


Black

by AltheaG



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Animagus, Betrayal, Death Eaters, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Hogwarts, M/M, Marauders era, Sibling Rivalry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-05
Updated: 2013-12-25
Packaged: 2017-12-14 00:35:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 50
Words: 135,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/830669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AltheaG/pseuds/AltheaG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><img/><br/>Banner by sugar & spice @ the-dark-arts.net</p><p> <i>All his life, Sirius Black had heard about the wonders and challenges of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His mother and father told him about the secret rooms and the traditions and all the rites of passage he would soon experience. Sirius and his younger brother, Regulus, listened with rapt attention and eagerness at all the tales of running the corridors at night, playing pranks on hapless Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors, playing Quidditch for the glory of Slytherin House.</i></p><p> <i>And now, the time had come for the young wizard to take his family’s place as the new generation of the venerable House of Black.</i></p><p>This is the story of Sirius Black, from his childhood as the son of the Dark Lord's most loyal followers, to the rebellious young man who risked everything he had to make the right choices in life. Why did he rebel, and what role did James Potter play in that transformation?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Snape Hunting

**Author's Note:**

> This is a companion piece to "The Rise and Fall of Severus Snape," which covers the same time frame, but this time from Sirius' point of view. Enjoy!

He was so excited. 

All his life, Sirius Black had heard about the wonders and challenges of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. His mother and father told him about the secret rooms and the traditions and all the rites of passage he would soon experience. Sirius and his younger brother, Regulus, listened with rapt attention and eagerness at all the tales of running the corridors at night, playing pranks on hapless Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors, playing Quidditch for the glory of Slytherin House.

And now, the time had come for the young wizard to take his family’s place as the new generation of the venerable House of Black. Before they left the house at Grimmauld Place that cloudy September morning, Sirius’ mother, Walburga rushed about the house, barking orders at the House Elves, making sure that Sirius had everything he needed, from his toothbrush to his underwear and his secret stash of “special” potions to be used on enemies and Gryffindors.

Regulus whined the whole way to Kings Cross, braying nonstop about how much he wanted to go with Sirius--every time Walburga snapped at her younger son to shut up, he whined all the more. Sirius could only roll his eyes with derision. In truth, he was a bit relieved to get away from his clingy little brother for a while. As much as he and Regulus got along, there were times when Sirius wanted a break from him. Regulus was bigger than Sirius, despite being a year younger, and though some of Sirius’ best times were wrestling with Regulus, he wanted something else.

By the time they reached the station, the Blacks were terribly late. Walburga blamed Regulus, but Sirius blamed the Elves. After all, they had overpacked his trunk, making it impossible to close, and by the time they had gotten everything sorted out and repacked, it was nearly too late. Thus, their driver had to break a few speeding rules in order to get the family to Platform 9 3/4 on time. Regulus ran ahead onto the platform, making Walburga have to chase after him angrily. Sirius hung back just a bit with Orion, his father.

Orion looked Sirius in the eye. “Ready, boy?”

Sirius took a deep breath and grinned. “Yep!”

“Excited?”

“Yes, sir!”

Orion cuffed him on the shoulder. “Maybe you’ll see Cassius and Damien on the train.”

“I hope so!” Sirius replied. “I told those goons they’d better save me a good seat or there’d be trouble!”

On the platform, Sirius couldn’t help but gaze all around him in wonder at everything going on. Harried wizards and witches of all ages scurried everywhere, loading children onto the train, locating lost luggage, giving hugs and kisses good-bye. The older kids seemed so big to Sirius, and though he was tall for his age, the Sixth and Seventh Years seemed like giants to him. He hoped to run into his cousin, Narcissa and her elegant Seventh Year boyfriend, Lucius Malfoy, at some point during the journey. 

He didn’t see his cousin and her older sister, Bellatrix, all that often, so when he did, Sirius couldn’t help but feel a swell of pride. It was well known throughout wizardkind that the Blacks were not people to mess with unless you wanted trouble or an early death. It was an aspect of his family history that Sirius found mysterious. On some level, he knew the sort of people his parents associated with on a regular basis--in fact, the Dark Lord Voldemort was a regular visitor to Grimmauld Place, and he didn’t seem so bad to Sirius. Naturally, he and Regulus were shooed out of the room when it came time for business talk, but as far as Sirius knew, people like the Dark Lord and Bellatrix and the others talked a big game but were otherwise innocuous.

Sirius look forward to learning more from Narcissa. It had long been discussed in the family circle that one day, both Sirius and Regulus would follow in the footsteps of Narcissa and Bellatrix. Though he had resigned himself to that fate, Sirius wanted to know more. He wanted to know exactly what would be expected of him and what sort of things he might do beyond having boring conversations about mudbloods and half-breeds.

“Come on, Sirius!” Walburga called. “The train is leaving in five minutes!”

He saw no sign of his friends at all, though he did stop and snigger at a skinny boy in tatty old robes--that boy had the biggest nose Sirius had ever seen in his life, not to mention the unkempt, lanky, greasy hair that hung limply down his gaunt, pale face. Sirius hoped that boy would get sorted in to Gryffindor so he’d have reason to taunt him further. This could be fun. He also eyed a boy his age sporting silver-rimmed spectacles and a sarcastic smirk on his face. Walburga gripped his arm tightly.

“Stay away from that boy,” she whispered harshly. “He comes from filthy blood-traitors.”

Sirius nodded, gave his mother and father a hug and turned to board the train.

“HEY!” Regulus shouted so loud that heads turned to glare at him or laugh.

Sirius grinned and put his brother in a rough headlock. They laughed and pushed each other around until finally, Walburga tore them apart.

“Get on the train!” she snapped.

“Bye, Reg!” Sirius called, waving to his brother.

“I’m stealing your gobstones!” Regulus called back. He stuck out his tongue.

“You do and I’ll turn you into a turtle!”

The train lurched hard, making Sirius stumble back. The last thing he saw as the train pulled out of the station was Regulus doubled over with laughter at his expense.

Sirius picked up the handle of his trunk and lugged it down the narrow passageway of the train, where kids were still jockeying about for compartments, or standing by the window looking out at the passing scenery.

“Sirius!”

Sirius looked up to see a friendly face--his cousin, Narcissa, approached him with that typical sashay of hers. She shook her long, blonde hair to one side so that it fluttered about her slender shoulders like dove’s wings.

“Need a bit of help?” she asked with a smile.

“I got it,” Sirius replied. Actually, help would have been nice. On the other hand, he wanted to look extra capable in front of his dangerous, beautiful cousin.

“Come with us,” she said. “We’re up in the Prefects compartment.”

“Is that okay?”

Narcissa giggled. “Of course, silly! You’re a Black! You can sit wherever you want!”

He kept forgetting.

As Sirius trailed his cousin down one passageway after the next, he couldn’t help but look inside every single compartment he passed. He saw so many interesting kids, including the ugly boy with the big nose sitting by himself in a darkened compartment. In another compartment was the boy with the glasses, telling jokes and laughing raucously with two pretty redheaded girls and a boy with sandy hair. He saw older kids, too, but no Cassius Avery and no Damien Mulciber. Sirius hoped they were admitted to Hogwarts. He supposed there was some chance they weren’t--their families had a bit of a dodgy history, perhaps a bit too dodgy. Then again, the Blacks were not without controversy, though one Phineas Nigellus Black had been Headmaster a hundred years or so ago. Sirius supposed that made the Blacks a bit less dodgy, despite Bellatrix’s reputation.

The Prefects compartment was more like a small room, complete with several groupings of seats and a long table down the centre of everything. Sirius recognised only a couple of people inside--Lucius was there holding court as usual, and, to Sirus’ relief, Cassius and Damien sat by Lucius’ side, laughing at his jokes about mudbloods. Most of the other Prefects in the compartment didn’t looked too chuffed about Lucius’ odd brand of humour, but that didn’t stop Lucius in the least. He gave Sirius a wicked glance.

“Oh goodness!” Lucius crowed. “What’s this urchin doing here? We have enough midgets in this compartment as it is!”

“Very funny, Lucius,” Narcissa replied sharply. “I rescued my little cousin here from being squashed by his own trunk!”

Everyone laughed, including Sirius. Lucius whipped out his wand, and with a quick flick, set Sirius’ trunk in the rack above.

“Thanks,” Sirius said.

Lucius shrugged, then imperiously glanced him over with his icy blue eyes, examining every aspect of Sirius, from his dark waves to his very tall frame. “Narcissa tells me you’re an insider,” he said smoothly.

“An insider?” Sirius wondered.

“With the Dark Lord, naturally.”

“Oh yeah, well he does come around a bit,” Sirius replied matter-of-factly.

That made Lucius roar with laughter. “It must be nice to be so casual about the Dark Lord,” he finally said.

Sirius blushed hotly, not sure whether he was being complimented or insulted. “He’s alright, I guess,” Sirius mused. “He’s about as boring as the next adult.”

Lucius glared at him, horrified, but Narcissa rescued the situation. “Don’t worry, cousin, he’ll get a lot more interesting once you get a bit older.”

Sirius hoped not. He had a hard time understanding all the closed-door sessions between his parents, the Dark Lord, his cousin Bellatrix and her boyfriend, Rodolphus Lestrange. He never did like Rodolphus much. Like a lot of his older cousin’s friends, Lestrange was thickheaded, stupid and from what he could tell, cold-hearted. To Sirius, all adults seemed much the same way, even his parents. Adults cared about back-room deals and plots and not so much about kids or fun or joking about. Sirius loved nothing more than joking about--he was relieved that Regulus liked a good joke, as well. Otherwise, Sirius might have found life at home nearly impossible to endure. Regulus made everything alright.

“So I hear that there are some legacies on the train,” Lucius said.

“Sirius, there’s going to be a lot of really great people in your class!” Narcissa gushed. “You and Cassius and Damien are going to have such fun in Slytherin!”

“Yeah,” Cassius piped up. “Besides me and Mulciber here, there’s a Rosier in our year, and papa said that there’s a Carrow, too!”

Narcissa winked at Lucius and licked her lips. “I heard that there’s a boy in your year that’s already a master of dark magic!” she said very quietly so the scant few other Prefects couldn’t hear her. “His name is Severus Snape.”

“Seriously?” Damien asked. “He’s that good?”

Narcissa nodded authoritatively. “I heard that he can already apparate!”

“You’re kidding!” Sirius barked. “He’s too young for that!”

“I’m telling you, Sirius, it would be a very good idea for you to get to know him,” Narcissa said.

“Hey! Let’s meet him now!” Sirius suggested eagerly. “Let’s all meet him!”

“Yeah!” Cassius echoed. “Can we bring him in here?”

Lucius stood up, straightening his expensive black robes. “I suggest we find him and impose ourselves on him. After all, if he is as you say, Narcissa, we shouldn’t let him get away from us.”

Narcissa giggled and jumped up. She gave Lucius a quick kiss and grinned at the boys. “Alright, Firsties, it’s time to do a little Snape-hunting!”

“But we don’t know what he looks like!” Damien pointed out.

“According to my friend,” Narcissa said, “well, let’s just say he’s not exactly attractive.”

“Hey! Maybe he’s that ugly kid with the big nose!” Sirius laughed. “Say, if he’s so good at magic, why hasn’t he done a reduction charm on his nose?” Cassius and Damien snorted with laughter.

“Maybe you should do him a favour,” Lucius suggested. Everyone laughed again.

“I think I know where he is,” Sirius said, now remembering that dark compartment.

Sure enough, the big-nosed boy was still alone, the compartment towards the front of the train still otherwise empty. Sirius grinned and bounded in. The boy looked particularly affronted by the intrusion, gripping his potions book with extra force as Sirius threw himself onto the seat across from him.

“Hey, mate!” Sirius said brightly.

The boy opened his mouth to tell Sirius off, but when he laid his black eyes on Lucius Malfoy standing like a young Adonis at the compartment door, his expression changed from fury to mild annoyance.

“Forgive him,” Lucius said grandly. “These Blacks don’t always know their place.”

“Black?” the boy said, now interested. He set his book aside.

“Sirius Black.” Sirius held out his hand, which the boy shook politely. His grip was strong and cold.

“Severus Snape,” he said, looking not at Sirius but at Lucius. “You’re the son of Abraxas Malfoy, aren’t you?”

Lucius smirked. “As a matter of fact, I am. I see you’ve done a bit of research.”

Severus lifted his chin proudly. “Only on those who matter.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and laughed. “Do you always kiss arse like that, Snape?” he joked.

“Do you always intrude on people’s privacy, Black?” Severus shot back.

“Only on those who matter,” Sirius quipped. Severus chuckled at that.

Narcissa sat down next to Severus and glanced at his book. “I expect you three will be a handful once you’re all in Slytherin! Old Sluggy will have a tough time keeping up with you all!”

“That is your ambition, isn’t it, Snape?” Lucius asked.

“To be a handful?” Severus asked wryly.

“To be in Slytherin, of course,” Lucius replied, a little miffed by his cheek.

“I know what you meant, Malfoy,” Severus said sharply. “Only the best people are in Slytherin, of course, so naturally, I wish to be there as well.”

“My guess is that you three are all a shoe-in to Slytherin,” Narcissa observed. “Though I suppose I’d still talk to you if you got Ravenclaw.”

“Just not Gryffindor,” Sirius said. “Anything but that! My mother says that Gryffindors are the greatest threat to the wizarding world!”

“She’s quite correct,” Lucius said. 

“But isn’t anyone from Gryffindor on our side?” Damien asked. “It can’t just be all Slytherins who are normal, right?”

Lucius folded his arms across his chest. “So far, it’s just been us, though I believe the Dark Lord has accepted the occasional Ravenclaw into his company.”

“Not too many, I hope,” Narcissa said. “They have too many half-bloods, even a few mudbloods amongst them!”

They talked like that the rest of the journey to Hogsmeade, about politics and the purity of the wizarding world and justice and the future. It wasn’t Sirius’ favourite type of conversation, and in fact, he briefly thought he just might run off and join Gryffindor if he had to put up with too much of that boring stuff. His needs were relatively simple: fun, laughter and Quidditch, at least for now. He knew his duty to his family legacy and that one day he would join the Dark Lord’s Death Eaters--but not just yet. After all, life was too short to be so serious all the time.


	2. The Sorting of Sirius Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Instructions given at long last, the door opened and in walked all the First Years, like little ducks all in a row, marching nervously up to the front. Sirius eyed Narcissa and Lucius, who both gave him a little wave--he waved back and grinned excitedly. He looked with curiosity at the floating candles overhead, and at all the students who stared and pointed and laughed at all the little Firsties as if they were elves or something._
> 
> _This was it. Time to get on with destiny._

By the time the train arrived at Hogsmeade station, everyone, including Sirius, was tired and hungry and ready call it a night. As they neared their destination, all the First Years were instructed sharply by the Prefects to get into their school robes and to make darn well sure they were presentable for the Sorting Ceremony that night. Narcissa fussed over Sirius, making sure his black waves were just right and that his tie was on straight. He tried to wriggle out of her grasp, but she persisted.

“We can’t have a Black looking like a Potter,” she grumbled, making sure the chocolate stain on his collar was properly scourgified away.

“I’m fine, Narcissa!” Sirius snapped, wishing she’d fuss over Lucius instead. Then again, Lucius was perfect, as always, not a white blond hair out of place as if it were afraid to. Sirius couldn’t help but be a bit afraid of Lucius as well, though he’d never admit to that.

Soon, everyone was jumping out of their seats, grabbing trunks and pets and cloaks and stray Chocolate Frogs and gobstones and everything else. Girls fixed their hair, boys shoved each other around and in a mad tangle, everyone finally got themselves off the train, stepping out into the cool evening air. Sirius made sure to stick close to Cassius, Damien and Severus, especially as Narcissa and Lucius had to go off with the older students.

A girl’s voice rang out. “Sev! Severus!”

Severus turned around, blithely acknowledging the redheaded girl who waved enthusiastically at him. She really was very pretty, as was her redheaded friend, but to Sirius’ deep disappointment, the girls were accompanied by the bespectacled blood-traitor and another boy Sirius didn’t know. The little party bounded over to say hello--the girl practically threw herself into Severus’ arms, making Sirius snort with laughter.

“So are you going to introduce me?” she said playfully.

“Lily Evans, this is Cassius Avery, Damien Mulciber and Sirius Black,” Severus said formally.

The boy with glasses narrowed his eyes. “Black? You keep strange company, pal,” he said to Severus.

“And you are?” Severus asked haughtily.

“James Potter. This is my friend, Remus Lupin.”

“And?” Severus asked, eyeing the other redheaded girl.

“Oh! This is Alice Bones,” Lily said, blushing a little. Alice gave them all a little wave.

“Potter?” Sirius asked.

“What?”

“My parents told me about your family. Bunch of blood-traitors, or so I hear.”

“I’m not a traitor to anyone, Black,” Potter said dangerously. “Say, Snape, you might not want to hang around his sort. You’re not good-looking enough to be unpopular.”

Severus opened his mouth to reply, but they were interrupted by the biggest man Sirius had ever seen.

“Alri’ you lot!” the man’s voice boomed. “Les get ya Firsties o’er here!” With hands the size of dustbin covers, he waved them all over. No one felt brave enough to do otherwise, and besides, none of the new students had any idea where to go. Sirius, along withe everyone else, followed obediently.

At first, Sirius feared that they’d all have to walk from the station to the school, so when the giant, called Hagrid, directed them to a little fleet of boats, he felt greatly relieved. Three by three they climbed into the boats, which then took off across the smooth Black Lake, gliding closer and closer to the sparkling, grand castle. 

Sirius laughed and rocked his boat a little, making Severus grip the sides tightly.

“Cut it out, Black!” he snapped.

“Hey!” Hagrid rumbled. “No rockin the boats!”

Sirius snorted, throwing a wry grin at Damien, laughing at him in the adjacent boat. He rocked the boat again, harder this time. When Severus turned around to glare at him, Sirius pinched his arm, nearly falling out himself because he was laughing so hard at that point. Damien splashed a little water at Sirius, who splashed back.

“YOU! You boys cut tha out!” Hagrid ordered.

“Don’t be such a brat, Black,” Potter mumbled. “Your mummy isn’t here to wipe your arse for you!”

“And NO rude language, Potter!” Hagrid retorted.

“Hey, Severus,” Sirius whispered. “Do you think Potter’s breath smells like old man farts?”

Severus snorted. “I think they smell worse,” he whispered back.

“I think he wears glasses because he’s kept his hands in his pockets too long!” Sirius whispered again.

Severus laughed out loud this time. “Well that’s the only way he’ll ever get any!” he whispered back.

Sirius laughed so hard he nearly fell out of the boat again. He slipped off the back of his seat and fell into Cassius’ lap.

By the time they reached the shore, Sirius could tell that Hagrid was glad to be rid of them. He gripped Severus and Cassius by the arm and strode into the castle, wide eyed and ready for anything. As he looked about at the turrets and stone columns and torches and moving paintings, Sirius, along with the rest of the First Years, couldn’t suppress a gasp of wonder and awe.

“Wow,” Damien breathed.

Sirius poked Severus. “Where do you think they keep the whips and chains?”

Severus smirked. “Far away from Slytherin, I expect.”

Sirius snorted. “Sadly. We’re the only ones who know how to use them properly. I guess the mudbloods are lucky!”

As they crossed the expansive Entrance Hall, they approached the tall, imposing doors of the Great Hall, where the rest of the school waited in anticipation for their entrance. Sirius had looked forward to this very moment, fantasised about how it would be to sit up there in all his Black glory, listening to the Sorting Hat pronounce him the newest member of Slytherin House. He imagined himself sitting exactly where his mother and father sat, where Bellatrix once sat, taking control of the entire company of Slytherins who would be all too eager to be led by yet another Black.

Sirius straightened his shoulders as an older lady with a light Scottish lilt to her voice instructed them on what to do. Blah blah blah. Go there. Sit there. Blah blah blah. Keep quiet and listen for directions. Sirius forgot to pay attention to her name and what she taught and what she looked like. All he wanted was to get on with it, to get into Slytherin and to fulfill his legacy.

Instructions given at long last, the door opened and in walked all the First Years, like little ducks all in a row, marching nervously up to the front. Sirius eyed Narcissa and Lucius, who both gave him a little wave--he waved back and grinned excitedly. He looked with curiosity at the floating candles overhead, and at all the students who stared and pointed and laughed at all the little Firsties as if they were elves or something.

This was it. Time to get on with destiny.

The Scottish lady motioned for all of them to gather at the front of the Hall, facing the Staff table and...a lone stool on which rested a very old, tatty hat. This was it. Sirius felt his mouth run dry for a moment. He recognised the Headmaster right away--everyone in the wizarding world knew all about Professor Albus Dumbledore and all his great and courageous feats of glory. Sirius thought with a secret snigger about all the terrible names his mother used to call Dumbledore: Bumblebore, Dumble-arse, and even worse. His father said Dumbledore was a murderer and a fraud, though he never exactly explained why that was true. It just was.

They were called up one by one, alphabetically thank goodness. That would get Sirius into Slytherin even sooner! Cassius Avery was amongst the first to be sorted.

“SLYTHERIN!”

The Slytherin table exploded in applause, standing to welcome their newest member. And of course, Cassius came from one of the very best families, his ancestors being allied with the Dark Lord from the start, as were Sirius’ own parents.

A Jenny Barrett went to Hufflepuff, and a Prudence Bierce was sorted into Ravenclaw. And then…

“Black, Sirius!” the Scottish lady called.

Severus cuffed him on the shoulder. Sirius straightened his robes, lifted his chin as imperiously as he’d seen his mother do, and strode up to the stool, where he sat eagerly. The Scottish lady set the hat on his head. But...

“GRYFFINDOR!” the Hat declared.

“WHAT?” Sirius bellowed.

The Scottish lady scowled at him. “You heard the Sorting Hat, Mr. Black.”

“But…”

“It said Gryffindor!”

Confused, Sirius stood there, frozen in horror. He saw Narcissa and Lucius at the Slytherin table looking just as gobsmacked as he was. How could this happen? What had he done? For a moment, Sirius thought he might collapse.

“Mr. Black, you’re holding up the ceremony,” she said. “Go to the Gryffindor table, young man!”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. No one was going to tell him what house he could be in! This was just wrong! Sirius turned to head towards the Slytherin table, which of course was in the opposite direction, and just as quickly, the Scottish lady gripped him by the shoulders and steered him toward Gryffindor.

Sirius stuck a finger right in her face fiercely. “You haven’t heard the end of this, lady,” he hissed, stomping off to a subdued Gryffindor table. Sirius was too angry and bewildered to feel embarrassment.

Some girl patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, Black,” she said. “We’re not that bad!” Those around her laughed, trying desperately to lighten the mood, but Sirius wouldn’t be disabused of his fury. 

Surely this was a terrible mistake! Surely a stupid hat couldn’t have total rule over his fate! A hat? Please! Since when did anyone, especially a Black, let themselves be ruled by an article of clothing? Ridiculous! They hadn’t heard the end of this, Sirius felt sure. His mother and father would object, do everything in their power to get Sirius where he belonged, in Slytherin. He pined as Damien was sorted into Slytherin. The redheaded girl, Lily, was put into Gryffindor, and just to add insult to injury, so was Potter. Sirius lost his appetite.

* * * *

Nothing. For days, Sirius waited and waited for his parents’ influence get him out of this impossible predicament, but by the end of the week he was still in Gryffindor. What puzzled him was the complete lack of communication from his mother and father. He was so sure they would have sent him words of encouragement, telling him to be patient until they had sorted out the details. Instead, Sirius heard nothing. Maybe they blamed him.

But how could they? What had he done? He was only eleven years old! This just couldn’t be. And no matter what his housemates did to make him feel welcome, Sirius found he just couldn’t get past it.

Potter annoyed him most of all. The two of them couldn’t look at each other without practically growling at each other. For Sirius, James Potter stood for everything he was taught to hate in the world. How could he say that blood status didn’t matter? What sort of nonsense was that? And as a pureblood, Potter should have known better. 

In truth, in his more secret moments, Sirius really did think it would be pretty okay to be friends with Potter. Their backgrounds weren’t all that different, and in fact, they were distant relatives, so it wouldn’t have been totally out of line for them to be friends. But it was that attitude, that complete lack of discretion that troubled Sirius. Potter hung around with too many undesirables, like that mudblood Lily Evans. OK, so she was a girl and, Sirius had to admit, she was very pretty and really funny. He found himself having to suppress a snigger at her antics in the common room at times.

Never mind that. Never mind her. 

His grades were terrible, which infuriated his parents. Sirius rebelled, too. By the end of September, he had been put into detention six times, and the highest grade he had earned on anything was a mediocre A, and that was only because Professor Sprout felt sorry for him. Other than that, Sirius regularly earned a litany of Ps and even a couple of Ts. As he sat glumly in the Great Hall the morning of October 1, therefore, Sirius was overjoyed finally to receive a letter from home. He eagerly tore into it, excited that he might get some words of encouragement from his mother and father.

_Sirius,  
I have had a note from your Head of House, Professor McGonagall, and though she is a blood traitor and a foreigner, I am mortified by her report of your abysmal performance._

_If it weren’t bad enough that you disgraced the family by your presence in Gryffindor, you have only made things worse by humiliating the family with poor grades and an immature attitude. Though your sorting is a troubling mystery to the family, it is no excuse for the way in which you have behaved, and if this keeps up, you will find yourself on the next train back to London._

_Your father and I will have a long talk with you when you come home for Christmas, so poor marks will only make things that much worse for you. You are in enough trouble as it is._

_From,  
Mother_

Sirius’ hands shook violently as he read the terrible news. She had said everything he already felt. He was an embarrassment to the family, a blight on the regal House of Black, and on top of that, a failure in everything. His heart sank as he let the letter drop to the table, but when Potter snatched it up to read it, Sirius flew into a rage.

“GIVE IT BACK!” he bellowed. He grabbed at the letter, but Potter was too quick. “GIVE IT HERE!”

Potter laughed. “No! I’m going to read it to the school!”

That was it for Sirius. He leapt across the table, tackling Potter such force that both boys fell backward onto the hard stone floor. Faster than quick, three teachers and two Prefects rushed forward to break up the fight, tearing an out of control Sirius off of Potter, whose face and arms were now bloodied by Sirius scratching and clawing at him, still grabbing at the letter. 

“Stop this immediately!” Professor McGonagall barked at them.

“Make him give it back!” Sirius shouted.

“What?”

“He stole my letter!” Sirius declared angrily. “He stole my mother’s letter!”

McGonagall turned on Potter--a little blood trickled from his nose. His glasses sat askew on the bridge of his nose. “What’s this, Potter?” she demanded dangerously.

Potter shrugged. “I was just kidding,” he said defencively. He thrust the letter at Sirius.

“He was going to read it in front of everyone!” Sirius complained.

“I was just kidding, Black!” Potter shot back. “I was just taking the piss out of you!”

McGonagall glared at him. “You will watch your mouth, young man! Alright, my office, NOW!”

With that, she marched both boys out of the Great Hall, all eyes on them. Students laughed and murmured and pointed and gossiped as they went. Sirius caught sight of Narcissa and Lucius--she looked shocked and saddened by the fight, but Lucius only looked disgusted. Sirius wasn’t sure whether Lucius was disgusted with him or with Potter. He decided not to think about it.

In McGonagall’s office, both boys stood before her desk, both a little chastened, both a little worried about just how much trouble they were in. For Potter, though he was rambunctious and loud, he hadn’t been in any serious trouble--on top of that, his grades were consistently good. Sirius wasn’t so fortunate, and as he waited for McGonagall to speak, he felt a surge of mortal dread wash through him. He knew very well that his mother did not issue idle threats, and that if she got word of this fight, she would immediately send him off to Durmstrang.

Thus, Sirius found it nearly impossible to hold back tears, though so far, he managed to stay somewhat composed. He’d already embarrassed the family enough, and the last thing he wanted was to look like a Hufflepuff in front of a blood-traitor.

“Mr. Black,” McGonagall started, “you will explain your behaviour. I believe this is the third fight you’ve been in?”

“It wasn’t my fault!” Sirius protested. “I was reading a letter from home and Potter stole it from me! He was going to read it…”

“I said I was just kidding!” Potter shot back. “I didn’t even look at it for real!”

McGonagall held out her hand. “I’d like to see this letter.”

“No! It’s private!”

“Please, Mr. Black.”

“NO!”

“I’m not going to read it aloud. But if it’s something serious, then this will help me decide on your punishment.”

Sirius paused, then handed it to her reluctantly. He sniffled, watching her face carefully as she read over Mrs. Black’s edict. Sirius’ face felt hot. 

McGonagall sighed. “Alright, then,” she said, more softly this time. “Mr. Potter, what you have done is a terrible thing. Mr. Black has received some very bad news from home, and by stealing his letter, you have invaded his privacy. You owe him an apology.”

“I…” But Potter sighed, tired of it all. “Look, Black, I’m sorry, alright? I was bang out of order.”

“Mr. Black, I am taking ten points from Gryffindor for your behaviour today, however, you will not receive a detention. I am satisfied that you were somewhat justified in being upset. As for you, Mr. Potter, there is no excuse for what you have done to Mr. Black, and you have acted far beneath the standard we expect in Gryffindor. That being said, I am taking twenty-five points from Gryffindor and giving you three weeks detentions, starting tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” Potter said quietly. “It won’t be repeated.”

“Good. You are both excused.”

No sooner had she excused them that Sirius took his letter back and stormed out of the office, heading straight for the common room. He could feel Potter behind him, his pace quickening. Sirius picked up his own pace, but Potter caught him up.

“Hey, Black, I really am sorry,” Potter said, panting to keep up with him.

Sirius didn’t reply. He climbed the stairs.

Potter followed at his heels. “Hey, are you alright? What’s your bad news?”

“Piss off, Potter!”

“Seriously, mate…”

"MATE? Are you barking? YOU are NOT my MATE!”

“But your family, I mean, are they alright?”

Sirius gave him a shove and stomped off towards the common room, not looking back.


	3. A Game of Chess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _After his mother’s threat, Sirius knew that if he didn’t change his ways right away, he’d pay for it dearly. Walburga Black wasn’t exactly known for her compassion on anyone, including her two sons. But as much as Sirius laboured to focus on his chapter, the obnoxious laughter from the other side of the common room broke his concentration--James Potter, Remus Lupin, Lily Evans and Peter Pettigrew were playing a wicked game of wizard chess._

Sirius sat in a dark corner of the common room, doing his best to read a chapter from his Potions text. After his mother’s threat, he knew that if he didn’t change his ways right away, he’d pay for it dearly. Walburga Black wasn’t exactly known for her compassion on anyone, including her two sons. But as much as Sirius laboured to focus on his chapter, the obnoxious laughter from the other side of the common room broke his concentration--James Potter, Remus Lupin, Lily Evans and Peter Pettigrew were playing a wicked game of wizard chess. Every time one of Potter’s pieces took one of Lupin’s, Potter hooted and brayed and made a general jackass of himself.

After an hour, Sirius had enough. He stormed over to where they played, all eyes intently gazing on Lupin as he screwed up his eyes to decide on his next move. An experienced player himself, Sirius quickly saw what Lupin could have done--his remaining bishop was in a perfect position to take Potter’s knight. When Lupin finally moved his own knight, Sirius groaned.

Lupin gasped, suddenly realising his mistake, but by then, Potter’s queen took his knight. Sirius shook his head disdainfully.

“You play the winner, right, Black?” Potter declared, as if his word were law.

“Nah.”

Lily giggled. “Come on, Black, play! You any good?”

“Yeah, I’m good!” Sirius replied hotly.

Potter sat back and smirked. “He just doesn’t want to play me, Lils,” he said smartly.

“Hey!” Lupin retorted. “Who’s to say he’s going to play you?”

“Because you’ve made four major errors in a row, that’s why,” Potter replied.

Actually, Sirius wouldn’t have minded playing. He loved wizard chess and was exceptionally talented at it, regularly beating Regulus, Bellatrix, his father and Cassius Avery’s brilliant father. On the other hand, this was a blood-traitor bullying him into playing. On the other hand, didn’t he owe it to his parents to beat him out, fair and square, to show Black superiority?

Potter laughed. “I think he’s scared, Remus,” he said.

“That’s a lie!” Sirius shouted. “I’ll play anyone, and I’ll win, too!”

Potter narrowed his eyes at him. “You’re on, Black.” With that, he returned his attention to the game, and in three moves, beat Lupin decisively.

Lupin shrugged. “Well, Black, good luck. He’s good.”

“I’m better.”

“We’ll see,” Potter said as he reset the board with a flick of his wand.

“You can open,” Sirius said.

“Oh no, you,” Potter replied. “Ladies first.”

“Whatever. I can take you any day, Potter.” With that, Sirius opened with his typical aggressive move, taking his knight and moving it out front right away.

Potter narrowed his eyes at him. “Gutsy move, Black. Maybe you do belong in Gryffindor.” But he countered with an equally aggressive move with his own knight.

Sirius grunted. “I knew you were going to do that.” He moved a pawn.

Back and forth they went, back and forth, and for a while, it seemed that Potter was able to answer each of Sirius’ attacks. For a terrible moment, Sirius feared that he might actually lose the game, but just then, a certain clarity washed through him, and he knew exactly what to do. In a potentially dangerous move, he allowed his queen to be taken, but then, he launched a sneak attack and in the next, he had put Potter into checkmate.

“Damn, you’re good,” Potter declared. He held out his hand. “Well played, Sirius.”

Should he touch a blood-traitor? Would his mother find out? Reluctantly, Sirius took Potter’s hand and shook it...for half a second.

“Who taught you to play so well?” Lupin asked.

“The Dark Lord,” Sirius replied casually. It was true. By the time Sirius was seven years old, the Dark Lord started teaching him methods to win at wizard chess, promising him that if he could master the art of war on the chessboard, he could become a great warrior in real life. That sounded promising to the young pureblood.

Potter scowled. “Did he teach you to cheat?”

“I don’t cheat!” Sirius barked. “I play to win, unlike you.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Potter spat. “You play like a Death Eater!”

“Well you play like a blood-traitor!”

Potter laughed derisively. “You don’t even know what a blood-traitor is, you pillock!”

“I do so!” Sirius shot back.

Potter folded his arms across his chest. “Alright then, Black. Define it. Tell me what a blood-traitor is.”

In truth, Sirius wasn’t entirely sure. All he knew was that they were bad and that they didn’t care about the purity of the wizarding world.

“It’s…” But he hesitated, scrambling for just the right words.

Potter roared with laughter, as did Lupin and Lily. Pettigrew, oddly enough, looked just as confused as Sirius.

“You’re such a prat, Black!” Potter crowed. “You don’t even know!”

“I do know! It’s just hard to describe, especially with you staring at me through your butterbeer bottle glasses!”

“Translation--you don’t have a description. Come on, Black, admit it! You have no idea what mummy told you you’re supposedly against!”

“That’s not true, Potter!” Sirius replied. “We have to be worried about the purity of our world! We can’t let mudbloods and half-bloods spoil everything for us!”

But this time, it was Lily, not Potter, who reacted. “Say that word again, Black!” she shouted.

“Mudblood!” Sirius snarled, trying to sound braver than he felt. His mother wouldn’t have forgiven him if he had retracted the word. Sirius knew that much.

Lily drew her hand back and smashed Sirius in the face. “Just remember this!” she bellowed. “The man who gave you chess lessons wants to see me DEAD! Just ponder on THAT!” She turned on her heel and stormed out of the room, disappearing into the girls’ dorm.

Without another word, Potter and Lupin turned to go to the boys’ dorm. Pettigrew hesitated for a moment.

“Come on, Pettigrew,” Potter called out. “You don’t want to get stuck with a stupid ignoramus like Black here.”

Pettigrew obediently followed the others, leaving Sirius alone in the dark. The dying embers gave off one final spark, and dissolved into blackness and cold.

* * * *

By the end of October, Sirius’ grades had picked up, and finally he was starting to see fewer Ps and more As and Es. No Os yet, though he got close on a couple of assignments in Transfigurations. No more detentions, either, and no more fights. Though he couldn’t see as much of Cassius, Damien and Severus as he wanted, Sirius managed to spend a little time with them between classes or during breaks when possible.

“How do you stand it?” Severus asked. They sat together under a tree snacking on carrot sticks.

“Yeah!” Damien chimed in. “If I were in Gryffindor, I think I’d take a header off the Astronomy Tower and do the world a favour!”

But was it so bad? Probably. But… No, it was bad. Of that, Sirius was sure. Pretty sure. What a question to ask! He bit his lip. Thankfully, Narcissa and Lucius approached, giving Sirius the perfect excuse not to reply. Lucius mussed his hair and smirked.

“So, are you a blood-traitor yet?” he asked smoothly.

“Get real, Malfoy!” Sirius retorted more sharply than he intended.

“Your house has a tragic history of accepting unfortunates. The mudblood stink must be unbearable!”

Everyone laughed, though Sirius suddenly felt a small ache in his stomach. But no. Probably just a bit of acid reflux or something. A bad bit of bacon at breakfast. He rolled his eyes and smirked. “Yeah, well I’ve gotten pretty good at holding my nose!”

“Seriously,” Lucius purred. “What does your mother say about your placement? She must be livid.”

Sirius looked away for a quick moment. “She’s unhappy. But she can’t get it fixed, no matter what, and believe me, she did her very best.”

Lucius shook his head dolefully. “Stupid Dumbledore,” he muttered. “I suppose he has more trust in a silly old hat than in family loyalty or blood purity.”

“Probably,” Sirius replied.

“Definitely.”

Sirius nodded. “Yeah. Definitely.” He lost his appetite.

His mood didn’t pick up the rest of the day, and later on in Transfiguration, he earned yet another D, something he hadn’t done in a while. And then, Professor McGonagall had the gall to call him up after class, looking as severe and cross as ever. Potter and Evans sniggered at the sight of a very glum Sirius trudging up to the teacher’s desk for yet another scolding. But Sirius couldn’t bear to throw them even a hint of a glare. Instead, he kept his eyes lowered, as he did when he had to face his mother’s wrath, hoping the tirade would be quick and painless.

So when she offered him a rich tea biscuit, Sirius didn’t know what to do.

“Uh, thank you, Professor,” he said, hesitantly taking a biscuit.

She frowned. “What happened to you today, Black?” she asked sternly.

Sirius held the biscuit but didn’t take a bite. “I don’t know, ma’am.”

“You were finally doing so well in this class. Your performance is a shock to me, to be honest.”

Sirius suddenly had a terrible thought. “You’re not going to tell my parents, are you?”

“Over one D? No. However, if this becomes a pattern yet again, then I will have to tell them.”

“I’m sorry, ma’am, it’s...I don’t know, I mean, I think I’m just having a hard time adjusting.”

McGonagall looked at him a little more softly. “Are you homesick?”

“Oh goodness no! It’s not that!” Sirius suddenly blushed.

She eyed him carefully just then. “Then? Are you still upset about the Sorting?”

Sirius sighed. “I just can’t help thinking it’s a mistake. I can’t get along with anyone! And then Lily Evans…” But he stopped. There was no way he wanted to turn into a fink.

“What? Did she say something?”

“No...it’s just between us. We don’t get along.”

“Because she’s muggle-born?”

Sirius hadn’t expected her to be so direct with him. He hardly knew what to say.

“Go on, eat your biscuit,” she said.

Sirius obeyed. Actually, it tasted good. He was hungrier than he realised, and in the space of ten seconds, he had devoured it and readily accepted a second one.

“Would it shock you to know that I am half-blooded?” she asked him.

“I had no idea, ma’am.”

“Mr. Black...Sirius...I don’t wish to pronounce on anything about your background, but I do want to challenge you to see beyond blood status. You haven’t been around people of mixed blood, and I think that if you would only be a little more open to them, you might be able to get along with your housemates.”

“I’m not a bad person,” he said defencively. “My parents aren’t bad people, either!”

“Your parents love you very much, and like any other parents, they have passed on their values to you. I don’t fault them for that. But you are in a unique position here at Hogwarts, in that you are in a House I’m sure you’ve been taught to…” She hesitated.

“To hate,” Sirius said.

“You are very young, at the very start of your school career! If you cut yourself off from your housemates, you’ll be miserable and your grades will never improve! I am asking you to set aside any preconceived ideas of Gryffindor and give them a chance. Can you do that, Mr. Black?”   
Could he? What would his mother say? What would the Dark Lord say? What kind of example would he be to Regulus if he were suddenly to be nice to half-bloods and mudbloods and blood-traitors? What would that do to the family? All Sirius could think about as he made his way to dinner that evening was one treacherous idea after the next. He thought about how clever Lily was and how funny Potter was, despite everything. And Lupin seemed alright, though Sirius didn’t know his blood-status.

He entered the Great Hall, quickly noticing a large empty space right next to Lily. Did he dare sit there? But she had just slapped his face, told him off. And he had just embarrassed her, called her a terrible name in front of everyone. Would she hit him again if he sat next to her? Then again, he was a Black. He was supposed to be intrepid, not a timid little pansy.

Sirius sat, but without looking at Lily or anyone else.

Potter laughed. “Hey, Evans, keep down the mudblood stink, alright? We don’t want Black puking all over the table!”

Everyone laughed, but Sirius scowled. “I’m just fine,” he said casually. Inside, his stomach was doing backflips.

“So what is this, the new and improved Sirus Black?” Potter sneered.

“Nothing’s new,” Sirius replied coolly. “Can I sit with my own housemates and not take shit for it?”

“Oh! Nice language, Black!” Potter crowed. “Did the Dark Lord teach you that word?”

“What do you care?” Sirius shot back. “I don’t have to explain myself to you!”

“You guys, will you please shut up?” Lily shouted. “Can’t I eat my supper in peace?”

Sirius turned to Lily. “Do you mind if I sit here?”

“No, if you’d only shut up and let me eat. Sit where you want.”

Sirius shrugged. “See, Potter? She doesn’t mind.”

Potter scowled. “Lily’s a lot nicer than you.”

“She’s nicer than you, too,” Sirius replied.

Potter smirked at that. “True. Then again, Evans, for some reason you’re friends with that Snape kid, I mean, what’s up with that?”

“What’s wrong with Sev?” Lily demanded.

“You mean besides the fact that he needs a nose job and a hairdresser?” Potter said. Sirius snorted.

Lily glared at him. She picked up her plate and silverware and stood up. “I’m going to sit with Alice,” she said in a sniffy voice. “I’m tired of haters.” With that, she flounced off, to the far end of the table, leaving the four boys alone and slightly mystified.

“Why don’t girls ever want to talk about stuff?” Potter mused.

“They do,” Lupin replied. “Just not about the same stuff we talk about.”

“I guess,” Potter grumbled.

“One day you’ll learn how to talk to girls,” Sirius said, suddenly appalled at his eagerness to join in with these people.

“Maybe,” Potter replied, “but let’s hope I don’t get slapped in the face.” He and Lupin laughed, whereas Sirius...couldn’t help it. He laughed, too.

“I guess I’ll remember to wear a helmet the next time I talk to her,” he said.

“Or you could just be normal.”

“Like you? I’m not the one who drove her away, Potter!” Sirius came dangerously close to calling him _mate_ , but caught himself just in time.

Potter suddenly laughed. “Come on, you guys,” he said rather loudly. “My bet is that Snape’s nose has it’s own postal code! Hey, Black, you’re his friend. Go on and ask him!”

Sirius blushed slightly. “I think I’ll let you ask all the embarrassing questions. He can do some serious shit!”

Potter smirked. “After dinner?” The boys exploded in laughter.

“That is so gross!” Lupin exclaimed.

But all that aside, Sirius couldn’t help but feel just a little sullied, as if he had just compromised something sacred by laughing with Potter. And he liked Snape, despite his big nose and greasy hair--in fact, Sirius rather admired Severus Snape. Unlike most First Years, and for that matter, most Sixth Years, Snape was an accomplished student who took his magic seriously. Snape strove always to improve himself, and he had the marks to prove it. He spent hours in the library, perfecting his techniques and expanding his knowledge. 

In truth, Snape was everything that Sirius knew his parents would have admired and desired in a son. How could Sirius live up to that? As much as he wanted to be like Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy, he had to admit that there was something...satisfying...about laughing at crass jokes with James Potter and Remus Lupin.

Sirius Black was more confused than ever, and he couldn’t see a way out. His mother would be mortified.


	4. Inner Conflict

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Though he caroused and shouted and played and pulled all sorts of pranks with his...friends, at night, Sirius would lie awake, his stomach burning with terrible pains. Even in the midst of all his fun and games with the Marauders, he couldn’t help at times but feel as if he were doing something dirty, but at the same time, the more time he spent with them, the more liked being around them._

The three of them had come up with a clever name for themselves. Sirius, Potter and Lupin decided to dub themselves the Marauders. Now if only they knew why they were marauders. But that didn’t matter to Sirius at the moment. He had finally found his place in Gryffindor, and even though he didn’t fully like the situation, he decided to take Professor McGonagall’s advice to heart, if for no other reason than his own personal happiness.

Though he caroused and shouted and played and pulled all sorts of pranks with his...friends, at night, Sirius would lie awake, his stomach burning with terrible pains. Even in the midst of all his fun and games with the Marauders, he couldn’t help at times but feel as if he were doing something dirty, but at the same time, the more time he spent with them, the more liked being around them. But if he told them that they made him feel like a sell-out, they might never speak to him again; on the other hand, if he ever told his mother he was running the corridors with a blood-traitor, well, he didn’t want to think on that.

So he stayed awake every night, twisting his blankets and wringing his hands and tossing and turning every which way until he fell asleep from sheer exhaustion.

To make things worse, all this insomnia once again threatened his academic progress, terrorizing Sirius with new fears of being pulled out of school by his ferocious mother. Lily was willing to help him out with his work, and from time to time, Potter pitched in and sometimes finished Sirius’ homework for him. Then again, if Sirius told his mother that he was getting tutored by a blood-traitor and a mudblood, she might kill him.

More sleepless nights. More nightmares.

By the time the Christmas holidays neared, Sirius was worn out from too little sleep and way too much worry. He hated living in fear like this--it wasn’t like him to get so worked up. If only he’d been sorted properly, he might be sleeping well, getting high marks and making his parents proud.

He would have to lie. About everything.

Of that, Sirius was certain. But what sort of lie would he tell his parents? How could he make them believe that he was having a terrible time and missing Cassius and Damien and Snape? What if they discovered the truth? After all, Cassius and Damien certainly had seen him laughing and joking about with the Marauders. They had heard stories of the pranks they pulled on other Gryffindors such as Peter Pettigrew, and of course the whole school knew all about how Sirius had docked points by Lucius Malfoy for being out of bounds with James Potter. How would he lie about that?

More worry.

The night before they were all to leave for home, Sirius could only pick at his dinner, despite the fact that the House Elves had made all his favourites--roast beef, mashed potatoes, fresh cauldron cakes and gallons of pumpkin juice. Potter threw a pea at him.

“For someone about to go on holiday, you’re in a bad way,” he commented.

“You alright, Sirius?” Lily asked.

“Stomachache,” Sirius said glumly. He spotted Cassius and Snape laughing together across the room. He scowled.

“So what are you all doing for the holiday?” Lily asked, trying to brighten the mood.

“Dad is taking me on a Quidditch tour!” Potter said excitedly. “He’s got tickets to six matches in six countries over the next two weeks! It’s going to be brilliant!”

“That sounds great!” Lupin replied.

“What about you, Remus?” Lily asked.

Lupin reddened slightly. “Oh, probably just home. I’ll be out for a couple of days, maybe three, but that’s about it.”

“Out where?” Lily asked.

“Camping again, right, Moony?” Potter said.

Lupin smirked. “Something like that.”

“I never took you for an outdoorsman, Remus,” Lily mused. “I love camping! My mum hates it, but my dad and I go sometimes.”

“With your sister?” Potter asked mirthfully.

“Not quite,” Lily replied sourly. “We don’t really get along. Severus came with us a couple of times, though.”

Potter laughed. “So are you like his girlfriend or something?” he sneered.

“No!” Lily stuck her tongue out at him. “He’s not really my type.”

“Thank the gods for that,” Potter replied. “I’d hate to think you went for the bigoted type, considering...well, you know.”

Lily rolled her eyes. “You’re such a ponce!”

Potter pointed a carrot stick at her. “You do know what he’s into, right?”

Suddenly Sirius took interest. He sat up, straightening his spine. “Just because he’s in Slytherin…” he started.

“That has nothing to do with it!” Potter shot back harshly. “Frank Longbottom caught him doing some really weird stuff with your friend Malfoy!”

“Like what?” Sirius demanded.

“Torturing a cat, actually,” Potter said with disgust. “Frank said they were giving it different potions and seeing what the results were.”

“That’s not torture,” Lily replied.

“Right, Evans, stick up for him. You guys don’t get it about that Snape kid. He’s a freak.”

“It’s not a crime to be a freak,” Lily reminded him.

“Maybe not, but when a freak hangs about with the likes of Lucius Malfoy, he’s just asking for it,” Potter said.

“You don’t even know Lucius,” Sirius pointed out sharply. On the other hand he knew all too well of his mother’s approval of Lucius. He knew all too well of the Dark Lord’s high opinion of Lucius. Sirius’ stomach burned again.

“Can we change the subject please?” Lupin asked.

Potter gave him a hard look, but relented. “So, Black, where do you winter?” he asked sardonically.

“Same as you,” Sirius replied defencively. “Family. Friends.”

“Not the same as me,” Potter said.

Sirius glared at him. He stood up. “Look, I’m not in the mood for this. I have to pack.” With that, he left his untouched dinner behind and stormed back to Gryffindor House.

But Sirus didn’t pack his trunk. In fact, he didn’t do much of anything. By the time he returned to the empty dorm, he feared he might throw up from all his stomach pain. He couldn’t understand himself in that moment. Why couldn’t he stand up for his family? Why couldn’t he say some nice thing about his mother and father or at least say he was going to spend time with Regulus? What was wrong with him?

Sirius sat by the window, looking out at nothing in particular. The moon was waxing--it would be full in a week or so. His mother would occasionally disappear from home whilst the moon was full, visiting someone Sirius only knew as Greyback. He had no idea who this Greyback fellow was, nor did his mother ever volunteer information about him. Sirius’ theory was that he was somehow connected to werewolves, but of course, there was no way of proving that. Actually, Sirius didn’t want to have anything to do with werewolves, ever. Stories of the terrors they caused traumatised Sirius early in life.

His attention turned to a black owl flying across the night sky--he hoped it wasn’t carrying a message from his mother telling him not to bother coming home. Could she already know that he was friends with Potter? Then again, after tonight’s argument, Sirius had to wonder whether that friendship had been damaged.

Soon, the sounds of his roommates returning from dinner filled the common room and the corridor outside. Sirius wanted to jump up and pretend that he’d been packing all evening, but to his shame, he found that he couldn’t move from his spot. He despaired just a bit, and when Potter bounded into the room, Sirius felt even worse.

Potter took one look at Sirius’ open and empty trunk and laughed. “See you’re hard at work.”

“Do you hate me?” Sirius asked, still looking out the window.

Potter frowned briefly. “No, I don’t hate anyone. Do you hate me?”

Sirius sighed, not answering right away. “I guess not.”

Potter chortled at that. “You guess not? Gee, Black, that’s big of you!”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “You don’t get it.”

“Alright, then. Explain it to me! Go on! Bare your soul to me!”

“Don’t mock me, James,” Sirius snapped. “I’m not in the mood.”

Potter bit his lip. He stared down at his shoelaces for a moment, taking the air in sharply through his long, thin nose. “Sorry, mate, alright?”

“You have no idea what I have to face tomorrow,” Sirius said quietly. “Look, I can’t help it! You don’t choose your family, you know!”

“I know, I know.”

“And I...I love my family! I have a younger brother to think about, and I can’t just trash that, and when you say things about them…”

“Oh wait just a minute!” Potter retorted. “You called me a blood-traitor the moment we set eyes on each other! Family love goes both ways, pal! You think I enjoy listening to you and your Slytherin buddies talking shit about my father? How about people like Evans?”

“You don’t have to lie to your father!” Sirius barked, rubbing the side of his face. “You have the luxury of being able to look him in the eye and tell him the truth about your friends! I can’t do that!”

“That’s ridiculous!”

“It’s not! Remember that letter, the one you stole from me?”

Potter groaned. “Not that again! I didn’t read it, Black!”

“She threatened me! Look, you don’t get it! My mother doesn’t issue idle threats. When she says she wants to throw me out for having the wrong friends or being in the wrong house, she means it!”

“She threatened to throw you out?” Potter gasped, horrified.

“Not exactly, but as good as. Look, I’m in enough trouble as it is just for the crime of not being in Slytherin, and if I go and tell her I’m friends with you and Evans, I’m going to be sleeping on Platform 9 ¾ the rest of the holiday!”

Potter sat on Sirius’ bed, not saying a word. Sirius sniffled.

“So what are you going to do?” Potter finally asked.

Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know. I just...feel so bad about this. I don’t want to lie about you, James. I really don’t. But she’s going to ask and...I just don’t know what I’m going to say.”

Potter pursed his lips. “I guess you’re pretty scared.”

Sirius nodded. “Somewhat. My mother isn’t exactly someone to cross, if you know what I mean.”

Potter nodded. “Listen, mate, I have an idea. On the train tomorrow, I think you should go ahead and sit with your Slytherin friends, you know, just so that you don’t get in trouble.”

Sirius blushed. “You sure?”

“Yeah! Anyway, it’s not like we’re going to see each other during the holiday, I mean, I’ll be off with Dad for two weeks.”

“Thanks.”

* * * *

The next morning was spent finishing up packing, getting breakfast and saying goodbye to those few who were staying at school for the holiday. Sirius was half tempted to stay behind, but on the other hand, despite his concerns about his mother, he was eager to see Regulus again. No matter how much trouble his parents gave him, Sirius always knew he could have a good time with his little brother.

Sirius ate every bite of his full English breakfast that morning, then half of Lupin’s and then seconds. He made sure to wave at Narcissa across the Great Hall, and he also made sure she waved back. Sirius also made sure to glare at Potter and give him a little shove, just when Lucius looked over at them, and when he saw Lucius nod approvingly at the shove, Sirius gave Potter a surreptitious wink before he left the Gryffindor table. He swaggered over to the Slytherin table to say hello to his cousin.

“You look good this morning, little cousin,” Narcissa said happily. She pinched his cheek.

“Glad to be getting out of here, y’know, away from everyone,” Sirius replied coolly.

Lucius grunted. “Away from Potter anyway.”

“He’s such a pain in the arse,” Sirius whined.

“Didn’t seem so last month when you two were sneaking about,” Lucius reminded him.

Sirius shrugged. “He’s impossible to shake! I figured I may as well get the dirt on him so the Dark Lord can use it against him someday.”

Lucius nodded, seemingly satisfied with Sirius’ response. “You know, Black, you just might be able to use your influence as a pureblood to get Potter on our side. His father may be a filthy blood-traitor but that doesn’t mean the son has to follow in his footsteps.”

“True,” Sirius replied. His hands shook. And then he got an idea. “But that might take a while, I mean, knowing him, he’s not likely to see our side of things any time soon.”

“Perhaps,” Lucius replied. “It’s my view, however, that you should try. I believe that if you can get close to him, befriend him even, you can slowly bring him to our way of thinking.”

Sirius sighed with relief. “Yeah,” he said casually, eagerly. “I think you might have a point.”

But Narcissa frowned. “I wouldn’t do that without your parents’ approval, Sirius,” she said. 

“So you think my parents would object? Even if it’s to benefit the Dark Lord?”

She pinched his cheek again. “Just ask them. You don’t want them getting the wrong idea, right?”

On the train later that morning, Sirius couldn’t help but grin wickedly the entire way back. Though he shouted insults at Potter and Lily as he boarded the train, he knew that they knew he didn’t really mean it, and he also knew that Cassius, Damien, Severus and the others thought he did mean it. Sirius knew he was playing a dangerous game by trying to have it both ways like this, but he didn’t have any other solutions--at least not right now. He understood that in time he’d have to make a choice, but for today, he could satisfy himself with renewing his friendship with his old mates, even if he did have to demean his new friends.

For now, it would be enough.


	5. Sirius' Big Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _As the Black family sat down to dinner later that evening, Walburga had Sirius sit at the head of the table. Most young boys would have seen this as a distinct honour, to be given a place of respect and authority in the family, however, Sirius knew better. The last person to be placed unexpectedly at the head of the table ended up receiving the Cruciatus curse the following day, and the day after that._

Cassius couldn’t stop howling with laughter as Sirius mimicked Potter the entire way back to London. Sirius oinked like a pig, scratched his backside like an ape, snorted and growled and did all he could to show that Potter was nothing other than a fool.

“Tell us again how he snores!” Damien cried out. Severus sat in the dark corner of the compartment, looking on with vauge interest but remaining stealthily silent.

Sirius snorted as long and loud as he could, ending it with a crescendo of choking, gagging and barking like a dog. Cassius laughed so hard he fell off the seat, which made all the boys shriek with new laughter. Even Severus joined in, and that was saying something. As much as Sirius admired Severus Snape for his magical prowess and extreme personal discipline, he didn’t exactly like him. Severus wasn’t too talkative, as far as Sirius could telll, and he didn’t seem to have much of a sense of humour. On the other hand, Sirius supposed Severus didn’t think he had a sense of humour, either. For some reason, he wanted Severus to like him.

Potter stopped by the compartment, but only to throw Sirius a rude gesture, which Sirius grandly returned. Potter stormed off, which made Sirius crow with laughter.

“He’s such a tosser,” Damien grumbled.

“How do you stand it?” Cassius asked. “I mean, being in Gryffindor must be pure torture! I think I’d rather be Crucioed by your cousin Bellatrix than be in Gryffindor!”

Sirius shrugged. “All I can do is use it to my advantage.”

Severus smirked at that. “Spoken like a true Slytherin. Think of the information you can gather on those swine. Think of what the Dark Lord will do for you!”

“That’s what I was thinking, too,” Sirius replied. “That’s why I decided to stop being depressed.”

“Good,” Severus replied. “You were fading away. Your mother will have to feed you when you get home.”

“Say, Sev,” Cassius asked. “What are you doing for the holiday?”

“Not much. Just being at home is all,” he replied.

“Where are you from anyway?” Damien asked him. “You never did tell us that.”

“You’re right, Mulciber, I didn’t. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?” Severus snapped.

Sirius laughed. “Yeah, that you’ve got something to hide!” When Severus glared at him, Sirius cuffed him on the arm. “I’m just jerking your chain, man. Just taking the piss outta you!”

“Don’t do me any favours, Black,” Severus muttered bitterly.

Damien looked quickly at Severus’ third hand robes and holey shoes. “Say, you’re not homeless or anything, are you, Sev?”

Severus whipped out his wand and lunged at Damien, ready to do an Unforgivable on him. Sirius grabbed Severus’ arm and pulled him away.

“Hey, come on, Sev! Lighten up!” Sirius shouted. “Apologise, Mulciber! That was bang out of order!”

“I was just…”

“Apologise!”

Damien blushed. “Yeah, I mean, I’m sorry, Sev. I didn’t mean to offend you, mate.”

Severus narrowed his fierce black eyes at him, breathing in sharply through his hooked nose. “Just don’t talk about what you don’t know.”

Sirius laughed. “Hey, that means you won’t be able to talk about anything, Mulciber!” he teased.

Severus cracked the slightest hint of a smirk, making Sirius feel very much relieved. They spent the rest of the train ride playing at wizard chess. Sirius found himself equally matched for the first time with Severus, who nearly defeated him in their first game. Severus won the second game but Sirius won the third. By then, the train had pulled into the station at King’s Cross. The boys all jumped up to grab their belongings, eager to get out of their school robes and into their everyday robes.

Peering out the window, Sirius looked all over the platform for his parents and brother, but only saw Bellatrix Black and her large, stupid boyfriend, Rodolphus Lestrange. He worried. Did his mother find out about his friendship with Potter? Had his parents decided not to bring him home? A wave of nauseating panic tore through Sirius, and he struggled to maintain his composure as he said good-bye to everyone and got off the train. On the platform, Narcissa and Lucius motioned for Sirius to come over to where they stood with Bella and Roddy. As people passed the notorious couple at a safe distance, they threw them looks of hatred, fear and suspicion, however, Sirius bounded over to them eagerly.

“Hi!” he said merrily. “You the welcome wagon?”

Bellatrix made a face at him. “The what?”

Sirius gulped. His cousin was almost as scary as his mother. Unlike Narcissa, Bellatrix had jet black hair that curled and waved like tentacles, framing her ghostly white face severely. Where Narcissa was all elegance and blond softness, Bellatrix had a hard edge to her, a coldness that Sirius could feel deep down in his soul. He shuddered.

“There’s been an incident,” Bellatrix explained. “Your mother is otherwise engaged today and so she has asked me and Roddy to collect you lot.”

“What happened?” Narcissa asked.

Bellatrix frowned but didn’t explain. “I’ll tell you all later, when we put little Sirius down at home. You’ll sick up your lunch.”

Sirius gulped suddenly worried all over again. He just hoped it wasn’t anything too horrible. Could it be something to do with Regulus? Had he been attacked or something? He hoped his father was okay. Sirius knew his mother had a way of steamrolling over anyone who disagreed with her in the slightest, though now that he thought of it, his father had never once disagreed with her. He didn’t dare. So what happened?

Grimmauld Place felt cold all of a sudden, forbidding and stonily imposing. Sirius felt a chill as he stepped through the door of his home, his heart heavy with worry about this awful thing that had happened to his family. And then Regulus got him.

Like always, Regulus exploded down the stairs of the house, throwing himself joyfully into Sirius’ arms, not even waiting for Sirius to set down his bags. Sirius stumbled back and laughed, then wrenched Regulus into a headlock. For a full minute, the two boys hollered and shrieked and wrestled each other, banging into walls and finally tumbling to the floor. Bella didn’t look too pleased.

“Get up this instant,” she hissed at them.

Regulus glared at her. “Since when do you give orders?” he snapped. “You don’t live here!”

“Since your mother bullied me into making sure the two of you don’t destroy the house whilst she’s away dealing with my stupid sister!”

“Yeah, well don’t take what she did out on us!” Regulus retorted.

“What did she do?” Sirius asked.

Bella threw a sneer at an ashen faced Narcissa. “She bloody ran off, didn’t she!”

“Where?” Sirius asked. “Is she alright? Is someone trying to get her back?”

Narcissa sniffled, but Lucius only stood there, not touching her.

“Get Andromeda back?” Bella growled. “You must be joking! She ran off with a muggle! There’s no getting her back! She’s sullied herself in the foulest of ways!”

“Oh my gods,” Sirius gasped. “But how? How did it happen?”

Bella narrowed her eyes at Sirius. “Your blood-traitor friend, actually.”

“What are you talking about?” Sirius shot back defencively. “I don’t have a blood-traitor friend!”

“Right, Sirius,” Lucius murmured.

“Anyway, Potter Senior is involved with a foul group called the Order of the Phoenix,” Bella explained. “Their goal is to destroy the wizarding world and all its purity.”

Narcissa sniffled again, louder this time. Lucius handed her a handkerchief.

Bella went on. “You remember Molly Prewett? Our bitch cousin who married that blood-traitor Arthur Weasley? Well, Molly and Andromeda have been all chatty and friendly these days, on the pretext of family ties or something. So Molly got Andromeda to go to one of their meetings, and ever since then...Narcissa, will you STOP SNIVELING?” Bella paused, taking a sharp breath through her nose. “...Andromeda got some strange ideas in her small head and now, she’s run off with some filth called Ted Tonks!”

It suddenly occurred to Sirius that they were all still standing in the entrance hall, Sirius’ bags still littering the floor. Regulus had sat down on the stair and Lucius leaned lazily against the wall while Bella told the story.

“So what is Mother doing?” Sirius asked.

“Damage control,” Lucius replied.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that she’s reasoning with the Dark Lord not to turn the family out of the organisation,” Bella replied coldly.

“But he wouldn’t do that!” Regulus exclaimed. “Not after all these years of loyalty!”

“He might,” Bella said dangerously. “Though I do admit, Reg, you have a good point. She’ll likely just cast Andromeda out of the family, which to my way of thinking is the right thing. Walburga will probably burn Andromeda’s name off the family tree, drink a bottle sherry and call it a night.”

* * * *

But Walburga didn’t drink an entire bottle of sherry the next night, after her return to Grimmauld Place. She didn’t even drink the elf-made wine Abraxas Malfoy brought over for the belated welcome home feast. True, Walburga did take a moment to eradicate Andromeda from the family tree, just as Bella predicted, but as the family sat down to dinner later that evening, she had Sirius sit at the head of the table.

Most young boys would have seen this as a distinct honour, to be given a place of respect and authority in the family, however, Sirius knew better. The last person to be placed unexpectedly at the head of the table ended up receiving the Cruciatus curse the following day, and the day after that. Sirius and Regulus were made to watch the spectacle as the heretical Death Eater received his punishment from Walburga, Bella and the Dark Lord himself. Sirius could still hear the man’s anguished screams ringing in his ears.

Still, Sirius sat, knees slightly trembling, knowing exactly what his mother would ask. She did not disappoint. A stiff silence permeated the air, making Sirius’ blood run cold as his mother’s eyes bore straight through his heart. He knew she sensed his weakness, that treacherous softness that he wanted so desperately to expunge from himself. She sat at the opposite end of the table, with the others, his father included, flanking her on either side like ivory chessmen.

Sirius gulped, hoping that perhaps he was mistaken and she would simply smile and have the elves serve dinner. But then again, his mother rarely smiled. In fact, she never smiled.

“There are foul, nasty rumours about you, Sirius,” she began, her voice like daggers.

“I...uh…”

“You will tell me why I am informed that you are friendly with a blood-traitor.”

Sirius shot a furtive glance at a smug Lucius Malfoy, returning frightened eyes to his stern mother. She suddenly resembled a stone gargoyle. Sirius’ mouth ran dry as he scrambled for an answer.

“I’m not friendly with any blood-traitors, Mum...eh...Mother.”

“Are you telling me you do not spend time with James Potter and that werewolf, Lupin?”

Sirius’ eyes grew wide. “Remus is a werewolf?” he exclaimed.

Lucius snorted. “You didn’t know?”

“No!”

“You never wondered why he disappeared every full moon?”

“I had no idea he did!” Sirius looked all around for any sympathetic glance. Nothing. “Mother, I’m telling you I am not friends with Potter! I swear it!”

“And yet you spend time with him!” she snapped. “Don’t you dare lie to me, Sirius Black!”

“I’m not! Honestly! See, I...I have a plan!”

Lucius and his father chuckled at that. Bella rolled her eyes impatiently, looking ready to administer the Cruciatus curse herself.

“Really?” Walburga replied silkily. “And what exactly is your plan, Sirius?”

Sirius looked all around again, still finding no sympathy. He sighed, determined not to lose this argument. “It’s just that I tried so hard to get this whole sorting situation straightened out and when nothing was done, I needed...a scheme! So...I thought that maybe it would be a good idea to sort of be friendly with Potter…”

“Ah! So you admit it!” Bella hissed.

“No!” Sirius retorted. “But as you all know, Potter is a pureblood, and so I thought it would be a good idea to sort of gain his trust so I could...you know...bring him to the right way of thinking.” He looked hopefully at everyone, wondering whether they would believe him.

His mother paused. “You do know that his father is a notorious blood-traitor, Sirius. You can’t think that his son would come to our side!”

“But you think that I’d go to his side?” Sirius pointed out. “I don’t think that’s quite fair, Mother!”

“Oh good lord, Sirius!” Bella moaned. “Stop acting like a Hufflepuff!”

“I’m not! Mother, you know you can trust me, right? I just thought that since I’m stuck in Gryffindor, I should use my time to influence a fellow pureblood! Isn’t that a good thing?”

Walburga scowled briefly, but then, to Sirius’ great relief, her features softened just a little. “I think you are taking a great risk, my dear,” she finally said. “I know your heart is in the right place, but you are also very young.”

“But so is Potter!” Sirius shot back. “Look, maybe Snape and I could work on him, I mean, Snape is friends with Lily Evans, and she’s friends with Potter. He might not object to a friend of a friend.”

“Lily Evans is also a mudblood,” Lucius pointed out.

Walburga looked murderous. “You mean to tell me that extraordinary boy is friends with a filthy mudblood?” she cried out.

Lucius shrugged dismissively. “Leftovers from early childhood, or so he tells me.”

Walburga frowned. “I am not satisfied with this, Sirius. You are extremely special! You are to enter the Death Eaters at sixteen, and the last thing I want is for you to get mixed up with these strange people. You must promise me to be very careful and to tell Lucius and Narcissa of every single conversation. I want to be sure that you are doing as you promised.”

Sirius nodded gratefully. “Of course, Mother.”

But then…

“And I will put this matter before the Dark Lord immediately. He shall have the final word about this. Is that clear?”

Sirius nodded, fighting back a new wave of fright. All he cold hope for is that he would survive the holiday and get safely back on the train.


	6. The Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When the door to his room opened two days later, Sirius was not greeted by Kreacher carrying a plate of ham sandwiches and a glass of cold, fresh pumpkin juice. He was not greeted by Regulus bounding in and jumping up and down on his bed. No. To his reluctant horror, Sirius was greeted by the Dark Lord._

Sent to bed without supper. Left alone in his room for two days, with only bread crusts and tepid water. He couldn’t understand it. Why was he being punished when he had just offered to do something for the Dark Lord? Of course, Sirius had to admit that much of what he said was a lie and that he now had no idea what he had gotten himself into by making such a promise, and the more he thought about it, the sicker he felt.

He should have felt safe in his room, softly enclosed by gentle shadows and lush decor. Sirius lay on his luxurious bed, wide awake with new worry, new fear, an endless litany of frenzied thoughts. Would he get Crucioed after all? Would Bella sneak in and let him have it? He longed for freedom, for fresh air...for a ham sandwich.

But when the door to his room opened two days later, Sirius was not greeted by Kreacher carrying a plate of ham sandwiches and a glass of cold, fresh pumpkin juice. He was not greeted by Regulus bounding in and jumping up and down on his bed. No. To his reluctant horror, Sirius was greeted by the Dark Lord. He fought back a sob as he sat up quickly.

“My lord,” Sirius said suppliantly. He moved to slide off the bed so he could kneel before him, but the Dark Lord motioned for him to keep still. Sirius obeyed.

He sat portentously on the chair next to Sirius’ bed and studied the boy carefully with his red, snakelike eyes. Sirius couldn’t help but feel as if he were being invaded somehow, even violated. The Dark Lord smirked wickedly.

“I understand you have devoted yourself to converting the heretical,” he said softly. “Perhaps you would care to explain your new endeavour.”

Sirius had no idea what to say. All he could manage was a pathetic “Uh…”

The Dark Lord chuckled knowingly. “You may be able to lie to your mother, Sirius, but you cannot lie to the Dark Lord. You know that, do you not?”

“Yes, my lord. I’m sorry.” But why was he apologising? Sirius felt a hot wave of shame overwhelm him.

“Then hear this, Sirius. Your idea intrigues me, though I know you didn’t actually mean it. However, despite your intentions, which we shall have to monitor carefully, your plan will be undertaken by you. In other words, I shall give you a little time for you to turn your lie into the truth.”

“Sir?” Was he being serious? What was the Dark Lord playing at?

“You will do as you told your mother. You will gain James Potter’s trust and you WILL turn him to our side. And you will do nothing else until he is safely with us. Is that understood?”

“Yes, sir.”

“I understand that this is a process that may take a little time, considering your age and his,” the Dark Lord went on. “Therefore, I shall be generous with you, especially as his father is notorious. Thus, you will secure his allegiance by the end of your OWL year.”

“I understand, sir,” Sirius replied, sounding much more terrified than he intended.

“Failure to do so will not go well for you, Sirius. You do see that, as this task was your idea, correct?”

Sirius nodded, cringing at the feeling of sweat dripping down his back. “Yes, sir,” he said, his quavering voice barely above a whisper.

“Then you may eat.”

With a simple flick of his wand, a large plate filled with ham and turkey sandwiches appeared on Sirius’ bed, along with a whole pitcher of ice cold pumpkin juice. The Dark Lord gave a quick nod to an eager Sirius, who tore into the sandwiches. Briefly mussing Sirius’ black waves, the Dark Lord stood up and disapparated.

Sirius ate and ate until his stomach was overloaded. He stopped, but not because of that. Sirius set down a half-eaten turkey sandwich, suddenly feeling intensely nauseated. The food was delicious, the very best he’d ever had, but...he felt strange, a little dizzy and then, his stomach lurched violently. Sirius scrambled to the bathroom, throwing himself over the toilet where he vomited every single thing he had just consumed, as if they were filled with some terrible poison.

The nausea now passed, Sirius flushed the toilet and sat back, his exhausted body shaking savagely. He raised a quaking hand to his clammy brow, fumbling to push his black hair out of his tear-filled eyes. What could he do? What was he supposed to say or think? How could he go downstairs and present himself to his family when...but no, those were bad thoughts. Alright, so he had joked with James about pretending to hate him. Was that just talk? Was it weakness? Was it fear?

Sirius had no idea.

* * * *

The next morning, Walburga called a family meeting, again placing Sirius at the head of the dining room table. This time, however, she sat right next to him, with his father at the other, far end. Regulus sat directly across from her, not speaking or smiling or moving. For a moment, Sirius feared he might pass out from all the pressure. He had no idea what to expect from her at this point, though he understood the Dark Lord’s imperative loud and clear--turn James Potter to their side or else.

“The Dark Lord tells me you will undertake the task of turning young James Potter to our side,” she started stiffly.

“Yes, Mother.”

“Good.” She eyed him carefully, critically, as if she were looking for the slightest flaw in him. “Sirius, why do we follow the Dark Lord?”

“To purify the wizarding world,” Sirius replied promptly.

“And what do we think of blood-traitors?”

“That they are filth who seek to destroy our world and all we know and all that is precious to us.”

“And what about mudbloods?”

Sirius hesitated, thinking briefly about how Lily’s tutoring helped him out of his academic abyss this term. “They don’t deserve to live,” he said. His stomach hurt again.

Walburga sat back and smiled. “And you will not forget this, Sirius, correct?”

“No, Mother. Of course not. Never.”

“And should I suspect treachery from you?”

Sirius straightened his spine. “You won’t, Mother. I promise.” He hoped that was the truth. He wanted it to be the truth. Sirius strove to stuff all his Gryffindor acquaintances into the box his mother had so carefully constructed for him--purebloods in one section, selected half-bloods in another, and the rest at the very bottom, worthy only of scorn and violent extinction.

Walburga turned her glare to a squirming Regulus. “And as for you, young man,” she said to him, “you will remember the same thing. I expect only the best from both my boys, and I expect full compliance from you.”

“Yes, Mother,” Regulus replied smartly, giving her a smug smirk.

She narrowed her eyes at him. “Don’t you dare give me that look, Regulus Arcturus Black!” she snapped. “After your little expedition into that muggle shop last month, I trust you about as much as I trust your brother!”

Regulus blushed hotly, but Sirius could only stare at him, gobsmacked. His brother in a muggle shop? Probably a toy store, Sirius reckoned. But what was Regulus thinking? How could he have made such an error in judgement, knowing their mother would likely find out?

Walburga continued her lecture. “My only hope is that you will be sorted correctly and be an example to your older brother! Someone must fly the flag of rectitude in this family!”

“If I get Gryffindor, I’ll drown myself in the lake!” Regulus crowed. Sirius snarled at him and turned away. Their father, as usual, said nothing.

The question about Regulus dogged Sirius the rest of the day, but he didn’t get a chance to ask him right away. The family would spend the day at the ostentatiously sprawling Malfoy estate where the adults would disappear into Abraxas Malfoy’s huge library for hours, leaving Sirius and Regulus to spend time reading books about the importance of blood status and blood hygiene. Sirius would rather have played outside or snuck out to torment the caged up manticore, but after his mother’s tirade, he decided to be good for a change. He could not say the same for Regulus, who whined the entire day and fidgeted and never got too far in his book about the Dark Lord.

“This is boring,” Regulus whispered. The brothers sat in a quiet, sunlit morning room, watched over carefully a team of three house elves.

“Shut up,” Sirius hissed, eyeing the elves anxiously. He wondered whether they would report everything to the adults.

“Let’s go outside!” Regulus suggested.

“We can’t!” Sirius whispered back.

Regulus sniggered. “Come on, Sirius! Where’s your sense of adventure? I heard they have another manticore now. We can go and throw rocks at it!”

Sirius bit his lip. Actually, throwing rocks at the manticores sounded like a good time. He shook his head. “I’m in enough trouble as it is, Reg! I’m this close to getting my arse crucioed, so leave it!”

Regulus scowled. “I hate this stupid book.”

Sirius gasped. “You had better watch yourself, Regulus! Don’t let Mother catch you saying that rubbish!”

“I wouldn’t say it in front of her or anything. I’m not that stupid! Come on, Sirius, you won’t tell, right?”

Sirius set down his book. “I won’t if you tell me why you went to a muggle shop.”

“Not in front of servants,” Regulus replied haughtily. He shot a glare at the elves, but they remained in the room.

Sirius chuckled. “See anything good there?”

“A muggle football!” Regulus said eagerly.

Sirius crinkled his nose. “Football? Sounds kind of boring.”

“Well yeah, I mean, the game is boring, but just kicking it around and running after it sounds like a laugh. We should try it!”

Sirius laughed. “I don’t know, little bro. Maybe.”

Regulus winked. “How about definitely?”

“When Mother and Father are away, though.”

“And when we don’t have to read this stupid stuff.”

“Regulus! Watch your language!” Sirius snapped. 

On the other hand, he couldn't help but see his brother’s point. He thumbed through the thick book on blood hygiene and sighed. 

_...Mudbloods are a cruel accident of nature, however, new ways have been developed to purge these deviants from our society. Brave legislators have laboured intensively to enact laws that will bar mudbloods from entrance to Hogwarts and to positions at the Ministry of Magic and St. Mungo’s. Yet these efforts are constantly undermined by foul blood-traitors whose feeble appeals to moronic emotion have sadly brainwashed many in power..._

Lily Evans was a mudblood. She was a foul deviant who had to be purged from the wizarding world. She was a blight on wizardkind, worthy only of a horrible death. She was…was one of the few who could put Potter in his place. She was…nice.

* * * *

More lectures that night, and the next and the next. More threats, too. And then Bella and Roddy and Lucius would come over and throw about insults against mudbloods and the Potters and anyone else they didn’t like. Sirius understood it, why they always came by. Walburga wanted her sons exposed to positive role models like Lucius Malfoy and the Lestrange brothers and of course, his Black cousins. They had all the right ideas, said all the correct things, told only the best jokes. But why did they have to insult people all the time? Why not say something positive for a change? Why not show examples of exactly what sort of damage mudbloods did to wizarding society? If he could have conclusive proof, then perhaps...

Sirius couldn't help but feel awful about himself just then. He shouldn't have those sorts of questions in his mind. Proof? Proof? Wasn’t it obvious enough without proof? Had he run mad or something? Maybe his mother was right. Maybe his sorting into Gryffindor had affected him more than he realised. Maybe he really had become warped on the inside, and maybe that’s why he was suddenly asking such horrible questions that he had no right to ask. Sirius was nearly convinced that he had something terribly wrong within himself--that had to be true. Why else would he dare to think of Lily Evans in any other way? Why else would he joke around with the son of a notorious blood-traitor? What was wrong with him?

Sirius suddenly couldn’t wait to get back to school, back to...his friends.

Even on the way to King’s Cross, Walburga wouldn’t let up, despite Regulus’ best efforts to annoy her to the point of distraction. But a sharp slap on the cheek quieted him down at last, to Sirius’ great disappointment. He had rather enjoyed watching his brother threaten to pick his nose with their father’s wand, and he nearly laughed aloud when Regulus attempted to shout obscenities at passing muggles. Sirius secretly hoped Regulus would be sorted into Gryffindor. That way he might be able to relax a bit more.

“Regulus,” Walburga said impatiently, “the next time I see your tongue hanging out, I’ll hex it off and feed it to the house elves!”

Regulus scowled and sat back in a huff. Sirius shrugged dolefully.

True to her promise, Walburga had cornered Lucius and Narcissa and goaded them into spending the entire train ride keeping Sirius at their side. 

“We have strict instructions,” Lucius smirked as he sat regally, directly across from Sirius on the train. Narcissa sat next to Sirius and mussed his hair whilst Cassius and Damien looked on, sniggering.

“That’s right, little cousin,” Narcissa said. “We’re commissioned to follow your pasty arse and make sure you don’t get too close to blood-traitor filth. She won’t have you back otherwise!”

Lucius narrowed his grey eyes dangerously. “And you know she means it.”

Sirius nodded. He knew. “Just don’t get the wrong idea when you catch me and James out of bounds from time to time, right?”

Cassius crowed. “Up to no good, Sirius? I didn’t think you went in for that sort of thing!”

“It is the 70’s,” Damien laughed. “Anything goes, right?”

Sirius scowled and threw a chocolate frog at them.

“I see your aim hasn't improved, Black,” Severus said smoothly. He stood in the doorway of the compartment, as stern and serious as ever.

“How’s your mudblood friend?” Sirius asked.

Severus frowned briefly, but quickly regained his composure. “I didn’t see her,” he replied coolly.

“What do you see in her anyway?” Cassius asked.

“She’s just someone who lives near my house,” Severus said. He took a seat next to Lucius, spine straight as an arrow, shoulders proudly squared. “It’s not like she’s my girlfriend or anything!”

“Well, Snape,” Lucius mused, “I’d hate to see you go the way of Potter. Cozying up to mudbloods is a dangerous habit.”

Narcissa nodded in agreement, as did Sirius.

“Well yeah, but I figure it’s best to get what you can from something like a mudblood and then toss her aside,” Sirius declared. When Lucius gave him an odd glare, Sirius panicked. “You know, sort of like a dog. You play with it a bit and then you put it to sleep when it’s not useful any more.”

Narcissa laughed. “That is totally sick!”

“You’ve been hanging around your mother too much!” Lucius added. He patted Sirius on the knee and grinned widely. “I think the Dark Lord is going to be very happy with you, Sirius Black.”


	7. The Snitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Look, mate," Potter said, "I know we never talked about this before, but, well, I sort of brought you something, you know, for Christmas. It’s nothing much but when I got it, I had a feeling you’d like it.”_
> 
> _What was this? Sirius sat bolt upright, dumbfounded. James Potter got him a Christmas present? “Why would you do that?”_
> 
> _Potter shrugged. “I just thought you’d like it.” He thrust out his hand producing a small, brown box._

He had to make it work somehow. He had to get Potter on his side...on the Dark Lord’s side. Sirius would appeal to Potter’s status as a pureblood, to his love and respect for magic. Yes, that would do. He was sure it would do. All Sirius had to do was be friendly and open, the sort of person that he was sure Potter was used to being around, and then, once he had gained Potter’s trust, Sirius would start to drop suggestions, find ways of influencing the way that Potter viewed the wizarding world. Yes, that would be perfect.

Of course, there was every chance that Potter wouldn’t budge on this, but that was something Sirius chose not to consider. He couldn’t understand how a simple suggestion had blown up into a major threat against his own life! What should have been a way for Sirius to have it both ways ended up working directly against him, so that his new fear was that by pretending to befriend Potter, he might befriend him in reality. The only way that would be acceptable is if Potter came to his side.

At dinner that evening, Potter had everyone in hysterics as he gabbed on about his quidditch tour. He mocked bad players, lampooned referees, pantomimed the more exciting parts of all the matches he’d seen, at one point even jumping atop the Gryffindor table to demonstrate. He got ten points taken from Gryffindor by the Head Girl for that, and when he did it again just five minutes later, nearly sticking his foot into the platter of roasted potatoes, he got a three hours of detention from Professor McGonagall, plus a loss of twenty-five house points. Sirius could only watch with wonder at Potter, curious about where this boy got his tremendous stores of energy and charm.

Sirius glanced over to the Slytherin table, and seeing that his friends were otherwise engaged with their own stories of the holidays, he returned his attention to Potter, making the daring choice to enjoy the tale. Soon, Sirius was doubled over with raucous laughter as Potter recounted a run-in with Alecto Carrow at one of the matches.

“So she sort of lumbers over like this,” Potter described, contorting his body and sticking out his tongue and grunting a little. “So I shouted that someone with an ugly pug face like hers should be caged up and sold in a pet shop!”

“Did she hex you?” Lupin asked.

“The idiot couldn't find her wand! Can you imagine! She was searching every single pocket in her robes and when I suggested that she check up her backside, she actually reached her hand back there for a second!” Potter crowed. The table exploded in laughter, Sirius included.

“You know why their parents got married, right?” Sirius said, laughing more. “The mother was the youngest of four, and to be honest, the ugliest and the stupidest…”

“And the smelliest!” Potter added.

“Probably,” Sirius agreed. “So anyway, according to my mother, nobody would marry Carrow Senior because...well...flatulence apparently.”

Potter spat a very loud fake fart, making every howl all over again.

“That can’t be true!” Lupin exclaimed, wiping his eyes dry.

“You don’t know the man,” Sirius replied eagerly. “Seriously, it’s disgusting! So Carrow’s father agrees to let his smelly son marry their ugly-arse daughter ONLY if the girl’s family paid a price. Three hundred galleons!”

“What?” Peter Pettigrew shouted.

“Actually,” Sirius continued, laughing again, “the first price was five hundred, but when the family was reluctant to pay that much, they bargained it down to three.”

“So what did You-Know-Who have to say about that?” Pettigrew asked.

Sirius made a face. “What does he care about it? As long as purebloods marry each other, the details aren’t important to him.”

Potter winked at him. “So if first cousins marry?”

“Oh ha ha,” Sirius grumbled.

“That’s your problem, Black,” Potter went on. You can’t help it if you’re a product of incest.”

Lupin glared at him. “Hey, come on, James! Cut it out!”

“I’m just being sympathetic with him!”

“You’re being a prat!”

Potter blushed light. “Hey, Black, I was just kidding. I was just taking the piss, right? Sorry I offended you, mate.”

Sirius paused. This was an important moment for him. If he remained offended, he’d never win Potter’s trust, but if he forgave, then he’d just allowed his family to be insulted. On the other hand…

He gave Potter a wry grin. “Let’s not forget your family history, Potter. If you’re a pureblood, that means someone in your past was shagging his sister.”

Potter scowled briefly, but then chucked at that. “So we’re both barking, right?”

But later that night, Sirius still felt the sting of Potter’s remark about his parents. Potter was right, of course, that his mother and father were first cousins. Sirius liked to forget about that rather scandalous detail of his family history, preferring to think that all pureblooded families were just the same. It wasn’t just the Blacks with a history of incest in the family. He was sure that even the perfect, holier-than-thou Potters had some dark secret, some illicit liaison in their past that was just as bad if not worse than anything his mother had done.

And then, Potter had to go and mix him up even more.

Sirius sat alone in a dark corner of the common room, looking out the window and worrying about the Dark Lord’s mandate. True, Potter had apologised to him, so he wasn’t a complete prat. Potter inched forward, his hands behind his back, sort of half-smiling. Sirius wondered what he was up to.

“Hey,” Sirius said, not looking away from the window.

“Look, Black, sorry about before. My father always tells me my big mouth will get me into serious trouble one day.”

Sirius chuckled. “He’s probably right.”

“Look, mate, I know we never talked about this before, but, well, I sort of brought you something, you know, for Christmas. It’s nothing much but when I got it, I had a feeling you’d like it.”

What was this? Sirius sat bolt upright, dumbfounded. James Potter got him a Christmas present? “Why would you do that?”

Potter shrugged. “I just thought you’d like it.” He thrust out his hand producing a small, brown box. “I got it from a friend of my Dad’s.”

Sirius took the box in hand, feeling its woody smoothness under his curious fingers. He opened the box with a little pop, and looking inside, could only gasp with wonder. Inside the box rested what at first looked like a little gold ball, but which Sirius instantly recognised as a Snitch. All he could do was gasp as he pulled out the Snitch and held it up to the nearby firelight.

“My gods!” he murmured. “Where did you get this?”

“I told you,” Potter replied, sitting next to him on the window seat. “My Dad’s friend is a Seeker, and when we went to the match at Cheddar, he gave it to me later on. Dad told him all about how I want to be a professional Quidditch player one day, but I knew right away I was going to give it to you.”

“But I don’t understand,” Sirius said, overwhelmed. “Why would you give me anything? You know what I am, what my family is.”

Potter bit his lip. “I know what your family is, Sirius, but I don’t know what you are. And neither do you. I just thought you deserved to have a bit of fun rather than getting messed up with politics all the time.”

Sirius tossed the Snitch in the air, causing it to take flight. Together, he and James chased it all over the common room, leaping on tables, jumping on couches and chairs, finally catching it simultaneously and then landing in a heap on the Persian rug, shrieking with laughter.

That night, Sirius slept like a baby.

* * * *

That Saturday, whilst the older students got to spend the day in Hogsmeade, Sirius and James decided to take a long walk around the lake. James had given him the promise that they’d see a small herd of unicorns grazing at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. Sirius wasn’t so sure they’d see that, but he was all too eager for a new adventure, so off the two boys went, their pockets filled with cauldron cakes that James had gotten from the kitchens.

“So what do you think of Pettigrew?” James asked as they trudged along, occasionally tossing a snowball at each other.

Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know. He’s alright, I guess.”

“I can’t bloody shake him. Every time I turn around, he’s there.”

Sirius grinned. “Maybe he’s in love with you.”

“Yeah right.”

“I think you two should marry. I can really see you hitting it off.”

James laughed. “You’re not serious!”

“I’m always Sirius.”

James smirked at that. “Funny. But honestly, Sirius, what do you think of him? I guess I worry about him being around Remus.”

“Because Remus is a werewolf?”

James stopped in his tracks, stricken. “Who told you that?” he demanded sharply.

“I found out from my mother, but Lucius Malfoy and my cousin, Narcissa know, too. How long have you known about it?”

James looked away for a moment. “Remus and I go way back. Our parents were longtime friends. He got attacked when he was just a little kid, and it’s been so hard for him ever since. You know how Remus is. He’s a good bloke, not a monster, but when he transforms, everyone has to stay away from him. It’s awful.”

“I bet,” Sirius murmured. “Have you ever seen him transform?”

“Only a little, but we both know that I have to stay away because it’s just too dangerous for me. Dumbledore told me that once I’m old enough he’d make sure I knew how to become an Animagus so I can be with Remus when he transforms.”

“But isn’t that just putting you in danger?” Sirius asked.

“If I were an Animagus, I wouldn’t be in danger, and then Remus wouldn’t have to be alone.”

“So why are you worried about Pettigrew? He doesn’t know Remus is a werewolf.”

“No, but if he keeps following me, he will find out,” James pointed out.

“Is that bad?”

James turned to face him, his features anxious and tense. “Look, mate, you won’t tell anyone, right? It would be hell for Remus if anyone found out.”

“I won’t tell. I can’t say the same for Lucius Malfoy, though. You don’t think Pettigrew would rat out Remus, do you?”

“I don’t know.” 

Together, they continued their walk, not talking any more. Sirius’ mind raced, suddenly distracted by the choice he had to make -- when would it be time to ask James the big question? When would he know that he could gain James’ allegiance and convince him to come to the Dark Lord’s side? A sudden thought struck Sirius just then. Would Pettigrew be able to help? It was entirely possible, he reckoned. Pettigrew was a follower, so maybe if Sirius got him on his side then the two of them could work on bringing James over.

It just might work.

That night in the common room, Sirius made a point of sitting near Pettigrew, who seemed to be struggling with his Transfiguration homework. Sirius could see it in Pettigrew’s face, that he laboured to understand these very remote concepts but wasn’t having much luck.

“You okay, Pettigrew?” Sirius asked casually.

“I hate Transfiguration,” Pettigrew admitted.

“Need any help?”

“What do you know about Transfiguration, Black?” he asked. “Didn’t you get an A last term?”

“Yeah, but I moved up from a D, so I figure I know a fair bit about the subject now. Come on, man, let me help you.”

For the next hour, Sirius sat patiently with Pettigrew, going over the basics about Switching Spells, and after a bit of frustration and a lot of mistakes, Pettigrew finally started to understand the theory.

“See, mate? You’re not as thick as Potter says you are!” Sirius joked.

“Hey!” James protested. “I never said he was thick! I said he was an ignoramus! See, Pettigrew, it’s not your fault you don’t know anything!”

They all laughed.

“You’re such a bully prat, Potter,” Lily piped up. She sat at the fireside with her friend, Cecilia, both of whom shot the boys disgusted glares.

“Oh come on, Evans!” James snapped back. “Can’t you take a bit of ribbing? I never took you for the stoic type!”

“Just because you don’t struggle with school doesn’t give you the right to insult people!” she fired back.

James and Sirius laughed. “You really need to get a sense of humour, Evans,” James chortled. “I insult Black here, and he takes it like a man!”

“Well I haven’t had to sic my cousin Bella on you, but don’t count me out just yet!” Sirius replied. “If you make Pettigrew cry, I might have to get Bella to Crucio your arse!”

Pettigrew looked on, somewhat bewildered, but laughed all the same. Sirius cuffed him on the arm.

“Hey, Pettigrew, what’s say you and me show Potter just what us purebloods are made of!” he declared.

“Yeah!” Pettigrew replied, though Sirius could tell that Pettigrew had grown increasingly confused.

Sirius winked at James and turned to Pettigrew. “Say, Pettigrew, don’t you think it would be a laugh if Potter were to get pelted with dungbombs?”

Pettigrew laughed. “That’s fun!”

“See, Potter?” Sirius sneered. “You’d just better watch yourself! Otherwise, you’ll have Evans here enforcing the moral law and Pettigrew punishing you for being a right pillock!”

James folded his arms across his chest and grinned. “Oh, I think I can take you both. No problem.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes at him. “You’re on, mate."

Lily rolled her eyes in exasperation and returned to her book and to Cecilia.


	8. A Gentleman's Agreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Despite the numbers of times they’d all been in trouble, this was the Marauders’ first time in the Headmaster’s office. Normally, either a Prefect or Professor McGonagall would put them in detention or dock them points, however, things had changed. Lucius had seen to that. He had declared the boys incorrigible and thus, unresponsive to the words of anyone else--perhaps a few harsh words and a stiff punishment from Dumbledore would set them straight. Plus, it would mean that Gryffindors were in trouble, rather than Slytherins._

For an entire month it was total war -- Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew versus James Potter and Remus Lupin. Dungbomb attacks, short-sheeted beds, lacing pumpkin juice with various potions, bat-bogey hexes in the corridors, not to mention a constant use of the jelly-legs jinx and on one thrilling occasion, the body-binding curse which Sirius used on James in the middle of dinner. The frozen Potter ended up pouring the entire contents of the pumpkin juice pitcher all over Remus’ dinner. All four boys got three weeks detentions and collectively lost Gryffindor one hundred house points.

Lily Evans was furious with the four Marauders, but the boys were beyond chuffed at the accomplishment. True, they had lost their house a lot of points, but on the other hand, they had great fun in the process. They routinely ran the corridors well after hours, playing magical hide-and-seek, and one glorious night, played a version of Capture the Flag, using a stolen pair of Lily’s knickers as the trophy. James never did explain exactly how he got his hands on those knickers, though Peter asked him consistently.

James shrugged diffidently. “It’s all in the technique, Pettigrew,” he replied luxuriously. “You’d never quite get it, I’m afraid. The only one possibly capable is Black here, and let’s not forget that he’s a bastard freak.”

“Oh, like your father, Potter?” Sirius laughed. He mussed Pettigrew’s hair as the four of them snuck back to Gryffindor, only to be greeted at the foot of the stairs by an extremely miffed Lucius Malfoy. Sirius gulped.

“Out for a little buggery, boys?” he asked snidely.

“You wish, Malfoy,” Sirius shot back. “Too bad you’ll be gone when Regulus starts up here. I guess you’ll just have to be satisfied with Snape and his big nose.”

Lucius didn’t react, other than to put the four of them into detention with the Headmaster. “Clearly your head of house is incapable of controlling you lot, so we’ll just see whether the Headmaster can whip you into shape.” But before he strode away, Lucius shot Sirius a furious glare, making Sirius turn white.

Remus touched him on the arm. “You alright, mate?” he asked Sirius.

“He’s such a bloody prat,” Sirius grumbled.

James chuckled. “I thought he was your best friend!”

“Piss off, Potter! Just because he’s shagging my cousin doesn’t make him my best friend!”

Pettigrew opened his mouth to comment, but fell silent, deferring to Sirius instead. Thankfully, Remus changed the subject when the four of them realised they had quite forgotten the password. And when James lifted his hand to knock, the Fat Lady bellowed obscenities at him.

“Well what are we to do?” Sirius complained. “Sleep out here all night?”

She shrugged. “Well, you lot chose to break the rules so now you’ll just have to suffer the consequences!”

So there.

But James wouldn’t be discouraged from his quest to get back into the common room. He threw a quick smirk at Sirius, then swaggered over to the Fat Lady.

“You know, Violet, is it?” he started, sounding very suave. Sirius stifled a snigger. “You have very pretty eyes. Did anyone ever tell you that?”

The Fat Lady frowned. “Now look here, boyo!”

“No, I’m being honest! Sirius here can tell you all about what a tosser I am, you know. I never notice things about girls though I know I should. But honestly, I am simply stunned by how lovely your eyes are.” He looked up at her with doleful, puppy-dog eyes. She flushed just a little.

“You must have been the most popular girl in Gryffindor,” Sirius chimed in. “I bet the boys were just gaga over you. I know I would be.”

She giggled lightly. “Now now, boys. Tut tut.”

James turned to Sirius, gripping him by the arms. “I don’t want to go inside, Sirius. I don’t want to leave this painting! I want to gaze upon this majestic beauty all night!”

“I’ll stay with you, James!” Sirius replied eagerly. “I swear it! But I might have to give you a shove so that I can get the best spot.”

James frowned. “Like this?” And with that, he gave Sirius a shove.

Sirius shoved back. “No, you ponce! Like that!”

“Boys! Boys!” the Fat Lady protested. “I won’t have this! You must get inside right away and stop your fighting!” 

She swung the door wide open to admit them, but James stopped and knelt down on one knee.

“Until later, my lady,” he said grandly.

* * * *

True to his threat, Lucius reported the Marauders to Headmaster Dumbledore, though James didn’t seem too worried.

“He and Dad go back a long way,” James said confidently as they ate their bangers and eggs the next morning. But Pettigrew looked positively mortified, and no matter how many funny faces James made at him, he remained sullen and anxious.

Sirius cuffed him on the arm as they made their way to Dumbledore’s office to meet their fate. “Just remember who you are, mate,” he whispered in his ear.

“What?” Pettigrew asked, flummoxed.

“No one can put a pureblood in his place,” Sirius said quietly, so only Pettigrew could hear. “Just ponder on that, and you’ll be just fine.”

Up ahead, James and Remus pretended to be soldiers marching off to battle. James looked more like a demented robot, Sirius mused, smirking at the scene. Finally, the Marauders reached their destiny, only to be met by a crabby Lucius, who had pursed his lips in a long, thin line and tapped his toe impatiently as they made their approach.

“Making sure we’d show?” Sirius barked.

“Something like that,” Lucius replied. “He’s waiting for you in there.”

With Lucius right behind them, the Marauders passed between the stone gargoyles, heading up the narrow stairs and into the expansive offices of the Headmaster. Sirius couldn’t help but gawk openly at the spectacular, luxurious decor, the vaulted ceilings, the rich woods and elegant appointments everywhere he looked--and this was only the atrium. Lucius knocked sharply on the door.

“Enter!” a cheery voice responded.

By its own volition the black door opened silently--Lucius scurried the boys inside, where Sirius now gaped at the series of silver whirring instruments everywhere in the large office. He wondered what they were, whether they were detecting something good or bad, whether they gave the Headmaster some extra insight. He hoped these instruments didn’t detect his plan to turn James Potter away from his father.

Despite the numbers of times they’d all been in trouble, this was the Marauders’ first time in the Headmaster’s office. Normally, either a Prefect or Professor McGonagall would put them in detention or dock them points, however, things had changed. Lucius had seen to that. He had declared the boys incorrigible and thus, unresponsive to the words of anyone else--perhaps a few harsh words and a stiff punishment from Dumbledore would set them straight. Plus, it would mean that Gryffindors were in trouble, rather than Slytherins.

So Professor Dumbledore confounded Lucius with a wave of the hand. “Thank you, Mr. Malfoy, you may go. I can take it from here.”

“Yes, sir,” he replied smoothly. “And I hope you will give this lot the harshest punishment the school permits.”

“Well I hope you will leave it in my capable hands, Mr. Malfoy.”

“Of course, sir.” Lucius grandly turned on his heel and strode out of the office, quick to give Sirius a final glare.

“My father said you came to dinner last week,” James said jovially.

“I did, actually. Your mother still prepares a fine roasted turkey,” Dumbledore replied brightly, a twinkle in his eye. “Now then, are we finished with the personal references?”

“Oh sure,” James said.

“Good. Mr. Malfoy tells me that you four seem to like running the corridors after hours. Is that the case?”

“Oh come on, sir,” James replied with a sly wink. “I’m sure you ran the corridors, too. We’re investigators!”

Dumbledore raised his eyebrows and nodded. “Oh really, Mr. Potter. And what is it you’re investigating?”

“The castle, of course,” James replied without hesitation. “I am of the thought that I have a duty to wizardkind to know every inch of this castle. The problem is simply that there are not enough hours in the day to discover everything.”

Dumbledore chuckled fondly. “And this is for the good of wizardkind? I’m sorry, James, but you’ll need to enlighten me on that. I don’t think I’ve ever heard that excuse before.”

“It’s quite simple, sir. As you well know, our world is at war with You-Know-Who, you know, Black’s family friend.”

Sirius started at that, but he remained silent.

James continued on confidently. “There may come a day when we have to defend the castle against invading Death Eaters, I mean after all, there are plenty of passages in and out of this building.”

“And am I to assume that you four have discovered some of those passages?”

“Well no, I mean, we’re only Firsties, sir. We’ve only barely started on the Dungeons!”

Remus snorted, but Pettigrew looked mortified and pale. Sirius remained stoic for the moment, wondering just where James was going to take this next. To his shock and, he hated to admit it, to his envy, Dumbledore seemed to be buying the entire tall tale. Potter was a prince.

Dumbledore raised a curious eyebrow, thinking a moment. “That is an impressive task, Mr. Potter. Perhaps I can pose you boys a little challenge, then, that is, if you are truly interested in protecting the school from invading Death Eaters or indeed, from rambunctious First Years.”

Remus snorted again, but James kept his cool. “Certainly, sir. I’ll take on any good challenge,” James replied confidently.

“Mr. Black, I understand you are quite talented at drawing, correct?” Dumbledore asked.

“I do pretty well, sir,” Sirius replied, his curiosity rising.

Dumbledore fumbled through his very crowded shelves, making quite a lot of noise as he searched until finally, after a couple of minutes, he produced what looked like a stack of parchments. He laid it out on the massive desk, unfolding layer after layer as Sirius gasped. It wasn’t a stack of parchments, but one, intricately folded, single piece.

“This is a very special piece of parchment, upon which I have already placed some preliminary charms which I won’t explain to you just now. When I obtained this parchment, I intended to use it to draw an intricate map of the entire school, noting every single passage, every room and even every secret corridor and way out of here.”

James salivated at the idea, as did Sirius. He started to understand exactly what Dumbledore was about to propose.

“Do you want us to map out the school, sir?” Sirius asked.

 

“Actually, Mr. Black, that is precisely what I would like you four to do. I have become extremely busy these days with the school and with outside affairs, but I believe that this map is an essential tool for the Order. Will you do this?”

James ran his hands over the parchment greedily, smiling wickedly. “I’d love it!”

“What do you mean, sir? For the Order?” Sirius asked. He knew, but he wanted to hear it from Dumbledore.

“Let us just say that you would be doing this for a very good cause, Mr. Black.”

Sirius frowned. “Would my mother approve?”

“No. That is, unless she got her hands on it. You do not have to participate if you don’t wish to, Mr. Black.”

“Come on, Sirius!” James insisted. “It’ll be fun! Just don’t tell on us.”

“And get myself in trouble?” Sirius shot back. “But, sir, what do you mean that the parchment is already charmed?” Sirius asked.

“For now, simply that the information can appear and disappear with the use of a password. I have a few other ideas for this parchment, but I do not know whether they are possible.”

“Like what?” Sirius asked. If only he could get a little information on Dumbledore, he suddenly realised, maybe the Dark Lord would back off on the issue of Potter.

“That is another conversation, Mr. Black. So, are you boys up for an adventure?” Dumbledore asked. “This will mean, of course, that I will have to give you quite a bit of latitude regarding the out of bounds rules, but I’m willing to do that for the cause.”

“And you trust us?” Sirius wondered. “You don’t mind that we’re just First Years?”

“Not at all. You are intelligent, energetic, and since you already seem to prowl the corridors anyway, this will give you something to do that’s useful. So are you all willing?”

“Yes!” the Marauders shouted in unison. Finally, Pettigrew got his colour back--he even smiled briefly, which made Sirius relieved.

Later, as they made their way to the Great Hall for dinner, it suddenly struck Sirius that Dumbledore had neglected to give them a punishment. The thought made him smile, but it also made him wonder just what this new adventure would entail. He wondered whether he had just struck a bargain that he might come to regret. Sirius was sure he was up to it, but with Remus as a werewolf and Pettigrew as...himself, he suspected that most of the work would fall to him and James.

This was precisely what Sirius knew he shouldn’t be doing. He was now actively helping the Order of the Phoenix, the very group his family taught him to hate so profoundly, people he might one day be ordered to kill. This was something Lucius absolutely could not find out, no matter what lie Sirius would have to tell. No amount of words would be enough to get his mother to think he was doing this to get James Potter on their side. What was even worse was that, much to his shame, Sirius was eager to do this, and not just for the adventure or the glory, but rather, for something greater even than himself.


	9. Drawing and Plotting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sirius jumped to his feet and clapped him on the back. “Just stick with me, Pettigrew! I’ll make sure you get your head on straight!”_
> 
> _“Sure!”_
> 
> _“But this is just between us, right?”_
> 
> _“Sure!” But the Pettigrew’s face fell. “But what about James and Remus?”_
> 
> _“They don’t get it, mate. I don’t understand the pair of them sometimes.”_
> 
> _Pettigrew bit his lip. “Maybe we can make them understand."_

Lucius Malfoy might have been Narcissa Black’s boyfriend, but Sirius thought that at times, he could be a real prat. He was the sort of Prefect Sirius had grown to despise, the type who actually set people up to get in trouble, and then to humiliate them publicly. Naturally, this did not apply to the Slytherins. No matter how much they misbehaved, Lucius never once got them in trouble.

Sirius had to be honest with himself on that. He watched from a distance as his old friends--Cassius, Damien, and Severus--bullied Hufflepuffs and hexed Ravenclaws in the corridors. It didn’t matter to Sirius that they got in trouble in front of any other Prefect. When it came to Lucius, they could act with complete impunity. True, Dumbledore had just allowed Sirius to get away with some pretty serious rule-breaking and now was even encouraging the Marauders to break even more rules. But that was different. That was just a task to be done for the Headmaster--it wasn’t the same as just getting away with something, just because.

More often than he was willing to admit, Sirius imagined himself running the corridors not with the Marauders, but with Severus and the Slytherin boys. He wondered whether Lucius joined them, maybe even gave them tips on how to create extra trouble. He liked that brand of trouble, that sense of creating havoc just because one could. It was how his parents behaved and how he and Regulus were trained, to exert one’s power and superiority simply because they could, because they were Blacks.

It shouldn’t have surprised Sirius, therefore, that Lucius stormed over to the Gryffindor table and practically dragged Sirius off the bench. Several Gryffindors jumped up to protest.

“Hey, Malfoy!” someone shouted. “Leave the kid alone!”

“You can’t just drag someone off like that!” another exclaimed. From a distance, Professor McGonagall looked on, her expression lethal.

“Family matters,” Lucius growled back, keeping Sirius in his grip. “With me, now.” Giving Sirius a shove, he steered him out of the Great Hall.

Professor McGonagall, however, quickly pursued them. “Mr. Malfoy!” she called. “Exactly what do you think you’re doing, dragging a student out of the Great Hall like that? Explain yourself!”

Lucius smirked slightly, briefly narrowing his eyes at her. “I apologise, Professor. This is a family matter to which I must attend. As I’m sure you know, Mr. Black’s cousin is my fiancee.”

“You’re engaged?” Sirius blurted out.

“Of course we are, you twit.” Giving a slight bow to Professor McGonagall, he mussed Sirius’ hair. “If you would excuse us, Professor. And don’t worry. He’ll be quite safe with me.”

But no sooner had Lucius shoved Sirius into a disused classroom that he immediately slammed Sirius into the rough stone wall.

“OWWWW!!!” Sirius bellowed. “You’re hurting me!”

“You’re lucky I don’t Crucio you, you little shit! What are you playing at these days?”

Sirius struggled under Lucius’ tight grip. “Let me go!”

But Lucius gripped him harder. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, running about with blood-traitors and that werewolf? Have you taken leave of your senses, your loyalty to your bloodline?”

“No! Lucius, you know what I’m doing! The Dark Lord gave me some time to get Potter on our side, and that’s what I’m working on! I swear!”

Lucius let him go finally, but then he spun Sirius around and gripped him by the front of his robes. “You had better listen up, boy. If I hear even the slightest rumour that you’re getting overly friendly with that lot, your mother will know it.”

“But how can I get him on our side if I don’t get close to him?”

Lucius lifted his chin proudly. “Perhaps you are too young to appreciate politics and diplomacy, however, there is a right way to go about this without getting too emotionally close to filth.”

“But if James comes to our side, then he’s not filth any more, right?”

“I am only here for a few more weeks, but Narcissa will take over when I’m gone, and she will be just as watchful as I have been. Now get out.”

Sirius stormed to the door, but stopped. “If you dare threaten me again, Lucius Malfoy, the Dark Lord will know it. He has given me a very special task to perform, so you’d better not get in my way!” Before Lucius could reply, Sirius turned on his heel and left, quickly heading back to the Great Hall.

But he paused near the door, too many thoughts and emotions racing through him. He was happy he had asserted himself against Lucius, but knew it was a risk, too, especially as he really was becoming way too friendly with James. Sirius spied James about halfway down the Gryffindor table, once again telling stories and entertaining everyone around him. No longer did James jump up on the tables, but then again, he did jump up on the bench from time to time, just to illustrate a point or make a joke.

By the time Sirius returned to them, James was finishing a joke about a boy with a huge nose. The table exploded in laughter, but Sirius was slightly pleased to see that Pettigrew didn’t laugh quite as much as the others.

Sirius chuckled and sat down, thumping Pettigrew on the back. “So, Potter, did you hear the joke about the smelly ape who wore round spectacles?”

“No, but I did hear the one about the flea-bitten dog who got buggered by a big fat white poodle!” James retorted.

“Hey, Black, what did Malfoy want?” Remus asked.

James laughed. “Yeah, speaking of poodles.”

Sirius shrugged. “He thinks I’m going soft or something. It’s just family stuff.”

“Yeah, heaven forbid you become a decent human being,” Remus muttered.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Sirius joked. “I’ll be the Death Eater with a heart of gold.”

“Stolen gold,” James added.

“That’s the best kind,” Sirius noted. “Hey, come on, guys, let’s talk about our new project!”

Anything but politics. Anything but the truth.

* * * * *

They waited until it was safe, as always, and then the Marauders quietly slipped out the portrait-hole, heading for their favourite spot--Flitwick’s empty classroom. They liked it so much not just because of its vaulted ceilings and large size, but because it was always filled with strange objects and curios and big fluffy pillows--the Marauders had many fierce battles with those pillows, occasionally making one burst open. Thankfully, James always knew how to clean up the mess and hide the evidence. The shadows loomed high over their heads.

The boys cleared a wide space on the floor and opened up the entire parchment, spreading it out flat.

“This is unbelievable,” Pettigrew murmured. “It’s so big! Do you think we can really fill it up?”

“Sure!” James replied. “My worry is that the parchment is too small.”

“We could use both sides, I suppose,” Sirius suggested.

“Maybe one side could be inside and the other could be outside,” Remus mused.

“Good idea,” James replied.

“But how are you going to draw it out, Sirius?” Pettigrew asked, worried all over again.

Sirius pursed his lips tight, thinking hard. “Well...uh…”

“I know!” James piped up excitedly. “Let’s find the nexus of the entire building and start from there! You know, we could sort take a drawing of that particular area and where it leads and how many doors and stairs and stuff are there and map it all out.”

“Like you’re looking overhead, right?” Remus added.

“I guess so,” Sirius replied thoughtfully. “Maybe we should use other smaller parchments first and draw separate parts of the castle, and then join it up later.”

“But where’s the nexus of the building?” Pettigrew asked.

“The Headmaster’s chair, of course,” Dumbledore replied when they asked him that very question the following afternoon. They had flagged him down after their last lesson, hoping to pepper the Headmaster with as many questions as they could in order to get themselves started.

“You’re sure of that?” James asked.

“Absolutely. The Founders placed it there for a very good purpose, as the Headmaster is the guardian of the school’s magic and its traditions. Placing his chair at the nexus allows him to access a maximum of magic every single day.”

Sirius briefly wondered whether the Dark Lord knew of this. He also wondered whether he should give away that sort of information. How could the Dark Lord use such a fact? Would it create more problems than necessary were Sirius to tell him? No. For now, Sirius decided it was best for him to keep his mouth shut.

That night, the Marauders gathered at the chair, now more curious than ever about what sort of magic it possessed and whether it was even right to sit on it. James resolved that conflict, however, in a matter of seconds when he threw himself into the chair, grinning like a Cheshire cat.

“This is great!” he crowed. “OK, now then, as your new Headmaster, I declare that every single day of the week is lesson free!”

The boys clapped and cheered.

“And I also declare that for as many points that Gryffindor wins in Quidditch, Slytherin loses twice that much!”

They cheered again, Sirius included. His face felt hot for a moment, but it quickly passed.

“And finally, I solemnly rule that anyone with a nose bigger than a man’s...uh...you know, shall be cast out of Hogwarts and forced to clean bedpans at St. Mungo’s with his tongue!”

Sirius laughed so hard he stumbled forward. Finally, after a few more minutes of James’ wild edicts, Remus brought them back to order.

“Come on, guys! The Head Boy will hear us!” he warned.

“So what?” James shot back. “Remember? We’re on a mission from Dumbledore himself! We won’t get into trouble.”

“Maybe not, but if we keep getting caught out of bounds and then keep not getting punished, people are going to think we’re getting special treatment because Dumbledore is a family friend,” Remus lectured. “Plus, Malfoy will catch on and then make it really bad for Sirius.”

James scowled. “Oh alright, then.”

Each boy took a different, smaller piece of parchment and a different quarter of the Great Hall. They noted down the windows, the tables, the dais up front, the doors to the sides and to the back, sketching madly on their parchments every detail they could see. Once done, they all agreed that it would be best to split up to the right and to the left. Sirius piped up first.

“OK, Pettigrew, it’s you and me, right?” he said forcefully.

“Sure!”

James threw them both a funny look for a quick moment, but then turned to Remus. “I guess it’s you and me, old man,” he said grandly. “Black is still distasted by my father’s alliances.”

“Shut up, Potter!” Sirius spat.

James laughed. “Black! Come on! Haven’t you known me long to know when I’m just jerking your chain?”

“Some jokes aren’t funny,” Remus pointed out.

“Alright, can we get on with it?” Pettigrew snapped.

With that, the boys separated, James and Remus heading out the door to the right, whilst Sirius and Pettigrew went left. Sirius knew this was a prime opportunity to say some important things to Pettigrew, maybe even get him on his mother’s side if he were lucky. Anything to keep the Dark Lord at bay, he reckoned. Now was the time to strike.

* * * *

They walked a long ways down the dark corridor, passing door after black door, noting down each one as they went but not entering any of the rooms quite yet. Sirius had the idea that it would be best to get a general sense of the corridor first before entering any of the rooms along the way. Finally, they reached the end and turned to go back to their place of origin.

“Now it’s time to go into the rooms,” Sirius whispered.

“How will we get in?”

“Alohomora, I suppose. Let’s note down any place we can’t enter. Maybe Dumbledore can show us how to get in.”

First door to their left. Locked. No entry possible. Same for the next three doors. Frustrated, Sirius and Pettigrew returned to the starting point and tried the doors on the right. The first one didn’t open at all, but they had some luck with the second door.

“It’s just a janitor’s closet,” Sirius noted, disappointed.

The next door didn’t open either, but the following one, at the very end of the corridor did. Sirius and Pettigrew crept inside and shut the door quietly.

“Lumos,” Sirius whispered. With his wand now alight, they looked around what looked like a conference room. A long table stretched nearly the length of the narrow room, surrounded by two dozen wooden chairs. At the head of the table rested a larger, leather padded chair.

“I wonder what goes on in here?” Pettigrew mused.

Sirius chuckled. “They probably hold meetings to expel students who run the corridors too often!”

“My uncles’s brother-in-law was kicked out of Hogwarts ages ago, like in the early 40’s or something.”

“What crime did he commit?” Sirius asked.

“Fighting. Constantly I guess. Roughed up a lot of Hufflepuffs in his day.”

“Was he in Gryffindor, too?”

Pettigrew shook his head. “Most of my family were in Slytherin, actually. We had a couple of Hufflepuffs a while back and then there’s me.”

Sirius sat in the larger chair and put his feet on the table. “So you’re like me, then? The only Gryffindor?”

“Not the only one,” he replied. “The first in a couple of generations, though.”

“Do you mind it?”

“I’m not exactly a Black, so it wasn’t such a big deal for my family. They were just happy I got into Hogwarts at all.”

Sirius crinkled his brow. “They thought you were a squib or something?”

“No! Just stupid!” They laughed at that.

“You’re not stupid, Peter,” Sirius replied. “You’re a pureblood, right? I bet my mother knows your family. She was in school around the time your uncle’s brother in law was kicked out. I’ll ask her.”

“My family didn’t make too much of being pureblooded, actually,” Pettigrew said softly. “I mean, I know it’s important and all, but they just never really got into it. I mean, they’re not blood-traitors or anything!”

Sirius nodded. “Just neutral?”

Pettigrew blushed lightly. “I guess.”

Sirius jumped to his feet and clapped him on the back. “Just stick with me, Pettigrew! I’ll make sure you get your head on straight!”

“Sure!”

“But this is just between us, right?”

“Sure!” But the Pettigrew’s face fell. “But what about James and Remus?”

“They don’t get it, mate. I don’t understand the pair of them sometimes.”

Pettigrew bit his lip. “Maybe we can make them understand. Maybe if you and I sort of talked to them, they might learn to take pride in their blood status!”

Inside, Sirius felt a rush of excitement, replaced by a twinge of pain. “Let’s just go easy on them for now, right, mate? No rushing in or anything, right?”

Yeah, right.


	10. The Jewel and the Spinning Wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Owls were sent, permissions granted and in just two days, Peter Pettigrew arrived at the gates of the sprawling estate, with a tatty little suitcase in hand. Naturally, Sirius wasn’t totally reckless. He took care to invite Cassius and Damien and even Severus--Severus, however, declined, and without an explanation._
> 
> _“Stupid Snape,” Sirius muttered, tossing Severus’ neatly written owl post aside. But never mind. He had friends coming over and that was enough for him. He just wanted to have a little fun for a change, even if James and Remus weren’t around._

Before anyone knew it, the term was over and it was time to return to London. Sirius was slightly less anxious about going home this time, mostly because he now had both the blessing of the Dark Lord to befriend James, and the blessing of Dumbledore to run the corridors at night. Going home also meant an end to the presence of Lucius Malfoy at Hogwarts, and Sirius liked that. Sure, he admired Malfoy for his cunning, his cleverness and his sheer steel, but he had become an annoyance as well.

One thing hadn’t changed, however. Despite his two projects, Sirius still felt obligated to sit with his Slytherin friends on the train. The Marauders already knew that this would have to happen, and beyond a few more jokes at his mother’s expense, James didn’t make too much of a show about it. Naturally, he threw in a few more barbs regarding Severus’ nose, but Sirius let that slide for now. In fact, now that he looked at Severus more intensely as they sat in the train compartment, it really was the biggest nose he’d ever seen.

“What are you staring at?” Severus snapped.

“Nothing. You should hear what James Potter has to say about you, Sev.”

Severus rolled his eyes impatiently. “And why should I be bothered with anything that ridiculous child has to say? He’s nothing but a spoilt brat as far as I’m concerned.”

Sirius shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Maybe?”

“He still gets marks almost as good as yours.”

Severus glared at him. “He’s just lucky the be the Headmaster’s pet. I wonder if he knows just what that old man gets up to in private.”

Damien and Cassius snorted.

“There are stories, you know,” Lucius interjected, “about just how close he was to Grindelwald.”

“I thought he killed Grindelwald!” Sirius exclaimed.

“Lover’s quarrel?” Lucius mused. He flicked his eyebrow wickedly.

Sirius sat back, gobsmacked. “Wow. I had no idea.”

“Well, it’s just a theory,” Lucius conceded. “But my grandfather swears he’s got some serious shit on Dumbledore. He’s not so pristine as everyone thinks.”

“Hey, Narcissa, so when’s the wedding?” Sirius asked, a little desperate to change the subject.

She grinned. “Well aren’t you a Nosey Parker! Not until I’m done next year. We’re working out the details, of course.”

“What does Bella think?” Sirius asked.

“Who cares?” she replied with a flip of her blonde hair. “She’s busy shagging Roddy and doing work for the Dark Lord, so she’s not exactly tuned into my love life these days.”

“What about Rabastan?” Cassius asked. “I thought he was sweet on you.”

“That ponce?” Narcissa replied, almost offended. “Not hardly. Nothing compares to Lucius.” She threw Lucius a simpering look--Sirius cringed.

“Come on! I’m trying to keep my breakfast down!” he declared. “No lovey-dovey stuff here!”

“Speaking of which, what are you going to tell your mother about how you’ve been running the corridors with Potter every night this term?” Severus asked.

Lucius narrowed his eyes at Sirius, incensed. “Gods, Sirius!” he muttered.

“Didn’t we already have this conversation?” Sirius sneered. “Look, it’s all in aid of something good, so don’t worry!” But then he turned on Severus. “And how exactly do you know what I’m doing after hours, Snape?”

“I have my ways,” Severus replied haughtily.

“You’re a bloody stalker, Snape,” Sirius grumbled. “Just leave alone what doesn’t concern you!”

“I would,” Severus replied silkily, “only you seem to have devised a way of sneaking about and avoiding punishment at the same time. I just wonder how you manage it, Black.”

“Trade secret, mate,” Sirius shot back. “Sorry. You’ll just have to jerk off somewhere else.”

Severus flushed deep red but the others sniggered.

“I think you’ve been hanging around Potter too much, Black,” Severus seethed. “You’re developing the same warped sense of humour. You’d better not develop anything else from him.”

“Such as?”

“You know what I mean.”

“You’re out of line, Snape!” Sirius fired back. “Who do you think you are, talking to a Black like that?”

“And what good is it to be a Black if you flout their values?”

“I do not flout their values!”

Severus laughed. “You don’t even know what ‘flout’ means!”

That was true. “Maybe not,” Sirius conceded. “But I can tell it’s bad! Since when did you ever turn into such a tight-arsed prat, Snape?” By then, both boys had jumped to their feet, standing nose to nose, angry eyes flashing. Narcissa quickly intervened.

“Come on, now, stop!” she insisted. “You boys are friends! Severus, you’ll just have to be a bit patient with Sirius. I know you question his actions, but they’re actually in aid of something good. Even the Dark Lord knows about it, so don’t trouble yourself.”

Severus sat back down with a humph and turned his attention to the passing scenery. Before long, the train had reached London, making Sirius both excited to see Regulus again, but worried about what exactly he would tell his parents...and the Dark Lord...about his growing friendship with James Potter. Was it really in aid of winning him over to the Dark Lord’s side? But no, that was a stupid question. Of course it was! But that didn’t mean he couldn’t be true friends with him at the same time, did it?

Once again, the sour face of Bellatrix greeted Sirius at the station, this time accompanied by a hyperactive Regulus who was bouncing up and down at the sight of the train and waving wildly. Sirius couldn’t help but break into a broad grin at the sight of his brother. His heart felt just a little lighter now. After saying good-bye to everyone, Sirius dashed right past James without as much as a second glance, body-slamming Regulus. The boys wrestled each other brutally, shrieking with laughter until an embarrassed Bellatrix pulled them apart.

“Honestly, you two are like gorillas!” she hissed. 

“Nice to see you, Bella,” Sirius said. He smacked Regulus upside the head. Regulus punched him in the shoulder.

“Stop it!” Bella ordered. “Your parents send their regards, by the way.”

“Their regards?” Sirius barked. “How formal of them!”

“They’re away on business for a while, so you brats get to stay with the Malfoys until their return.”

“Where did they go?” Sirius asked, knowing he wouldn’t get an answer.

“Never you mind that,” Bella said gravely.

“The Malfoys got a new manticore!” Regulus said, helping Sirius push the trolley out of the portal.

“What happened to the other ones?”

“One of them ate the other! Isn’t that awesome?”

Sirius chuckled. “Bloody brilliant.”

* * * *

After a solid week at the magnificent Malfoy Manor, Sirius grew bored. True, he and Regulus ran and played and swam and explored and terrorised the manticores, but after a few days of all that, Sirius needed a change. He needed more than just his brother. He needed his friends. In truth, he needed the Marauders.

That, of course, was out of the question. Remus was a werewolf and James was a Potter and Pettigrew was...but wait! That might just work to his advantage! Sirius needed Pettigrew’s influence to help win over James, and since he was a pureblood, Pettigrew might just be acceptable to his parents, despite being in Gryffindor.

Owls were sent, permissions granted and in just two days, Peter Pettigrew arrived at the gates of the sprawling estate, with a tatty little suitcase in hand. Naturally, Sirius wasn’t totally reckless. He took care to invite Cassius and Damien and even Severus--Severus, however, declined, and without an explanation.

“Stupid Snape,” Sirius muttered, tossing Severus’ neatly written owl post aside. But never mind. He had friends coming over and that was enough for him. He just wanted to have a little fun for a change, even if James and Remus weren’t around.

The Blacks’ business ended up taking far more than just two weeks, making Sirius extremely curious about what they were up to and with whom. He suspected it was all to do with the Dark Lord, however, one never knew when it came right down to it. Their sojourn would last at least a full month, and again, with no explanation. In the meantime, however, Sirius made up his mind to foster his friendship with Pettigrew even more. Thus, when Pettigrew was overtly overwhelmed by the awesome grandeur of the Malfoy estate, Sirius took the time to give him a detailed tour of the place, showing him all his favourite spots. After a day of that, Lucius joined them, eager to take both boys up to the garrett above his bedrooms.

“Got the whips and chains up there, Malfoy?” Sirius joked.

Lucius snarled at him. “Sorry, Black, you’re not my type,” he shot back. Pettigrew snorted.

“Yeah,” Sirius whispered to Pettigrew, “I’m too old!”

Both boys gasped at the massive size of the garrett, but more than that, at the intricate network of crates, boxes and other random items covered up against dust and age and air. Sirius gaped at everything he saw, from marble and gold busts of Malfoy ancestors to disused dining tables stretching for what seemed like miles, to cabinets and mysterious silver boxes and even what looked like an old spinning wheel.

“What’s that?” Sirius asked, pointing to the spinning wheel.

“It’s very old and very rare,” Lucius replied. “Don’t touch it. Are you boys familiar with the story of Rumplestiltskin?”

“That’s a muggle story,” Sirius said.

“The muggles think it’s a fairy tale, but wizards know better,” Lucius told them. “My great-grandfather obtained this spinning wheel ages ago, from a very special source.”

Sirius laughed. “So does it spin hay into gold?”

“Actually, it does,” Lucius said. “The wheel was lost for generations, and thus, the story of Rumplestiltskin turned into a legend, a mere fiction. So when my great-grandfather acquired it, he decided to keep it, shall we say, private.”

“So you’re saying the story is real?” Pettigrew exclaimed.

“Do you know how to use this thing?” Sirius asked.

“Spinning is a woman’s art,” Lucius replied coolly. “My grandmother knew, and she passed it on to my mother. That’s all you need to know for now. Actually, what I wanted to show you was this.” Lucius led them to an old mahogany chest of drawers, opening the top drawer with a little effort. He produced a blue box, which he opened for the two boys. They gasped.

“Wow,” Pettigrew murmured, staring at the bright green jewel. It sparkled even in the dim light of the garrett.

“Is that an emerald?” Sirius asked, reaching out to touch the jewel.

Lucius slapped his hand back. “It is not an emerald, in fact. In fact, this little jewel has incredibly powerful magic in it. The wearer gains the power of persuasion and seduction.”

Sirius laughed. “Hey, you should wear it on your next date with Narcissa!”

Lucius glowered at him. “I don’t need any help from this jewel, Black. I can seduce very well on my own. You, however, might need a little assistance since you have a big mouth and little tact.”

Sirius looked slightly offended by the comment. “I’m not wearing some fancy-pants ponce jewel like that! I’ll look like a right pillock!”

“You are a right pillock,” Lucius purred. “You don’t have to wear it like a pendant, you stupid boy. One can carry it in one’s pocket and it works just the same.”

“Oh.” Sirius reached out again to touch it--this time, Lucius allowed him not only that, but to handle it. As the cold hardness of the jewel touched the warmth of Sirius’ skin, he felt suddenly relaxed, confident, as if he’d just drunk a vat of Felix Felicis. He noticed that Pettigrew was now gazing at him with new eyes, with supreme adoration. Yes, this could really do something, Sirius thought.


	11. The Arrival of Regulus Black

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“My little brother starts this year!” Sirius announced._
> 
> _“Is he anything like you?” Lily asked._
> 
> _Sirius shrugged. “Not really.”_
> 
> _“Good,” she replied with a smirk._
> 
> _“He’s far worse,” Sirius continued. “If you guys think I’m brainwashed by my family, you haven’t seen anything yet till you meet Regulus!”_
> 
> _“So you’re not brainwashed any more?” Lily asked._
> 
> _Sirius paused. “I have my own mind,” he said haughtily, trying to imitate Severus._

He barely saw them. Only for two days, and then they were off again, this time taking Regulus with them. Sirius wondered why they took Regulus and not him. Was it to do with Regulus impending entry to Hogwarts? Were they worried that he might be wrongfully sorted into Gryffindor? Were they doing something to prevent that from happening? But could it be prevented, Sirius thought. And if so, why didn’t they do something to protect him?

“I guess they didn’t see it coming,” he said to himself. He put his fishing line back in the lake on the Malfoy estate and sighed. The manticore growled in the far distance.

Regulus had looked somewhat forlorn at leaving so suddenly and without explanation.They had been having such a good time together, reuniting, causing trouble, making life that much more challenging for Dobby, the Malfoy’s annoying House Elf. But you could poke fun at Dobby and not feel too bad about it, Sirius thought, unlike Kreacher, the Black’s own Elf. Where Kreacher was all nastiness and bile, at least towards Sirius, Dobby could sort of laugh it off and not let their pranks get to him too much.

But now, Regulus was gone, along with Cassius, Damien and Pettigrew. Even Lucius was gone, spending time with Narcissa and Bella and the others, leaving Sirius even more alone. And when it came time for Sirius to go to Diagon Alley for books, new robes and supplies, it was Miss Bitters, Lucius’ aging governess, who escorted him there and back. Never before did Sirius ever think that he’d long to be back in school, yet on the journey from Wiltshire to Kings Cross on September 1, Sirius could barely wait to arrive.

Miss Bitters did not accompany him through the portal, which suited Sirius just fine. The moment he arrived on the platform, in fact, the first thing he did was to search out his friends. Off in the distance he spotted Narcissa receiving a rather steamy good-bye kiss from Lucius. He caught sight of Lily Evans saying good-bye to her parents and to a tall, thin woman with long, lank black hair--to Sirius’ surprise, Severus emerged the little group, clearly the son of the black-haired woman.

And then he caught sight of them--Regulus being fussed over and smoothed over and tenderly kissed by his mother and father. Sirius paused for a moment, letting combatting feelings of envy and longing and confusion wash through him briefly. But then, taking a deep breath, he stood up straight and strode over to his family, smiling brightly.

Sirius imposing mother turned grandly to face her eldest son, with an imperious look on her regal features. That was better than a frown, Sirius reckoned.

“Mother, Father,” Sirius said politely. He placed his hands behind his back, just as he had seen muggle royalty do, waiting for cues from his mother.

“My dear,” Mrs. Black said. She gave him a little pat on the shoulder and kissed him on the cheek. His father shook his hand. “I hear the Malfoys enjoyed your company this summer.”

“Yes, Mother,” Sirius replied. “It was a lovely time.” He winked at Regulus. “Hey, booger.”

“How’s the manticore?” Regulus asked with a laugh.

“Still breathing!” Sirius replied, struggling to maintain his composure. More than anything he wanted to laugh out loud, but he sensed that his parents weren’t in the mood for anything like that from him. “I hope your travels were pleasant, Mother.”

“Thank you, Sirius,” she replied stiffly. “They were, weren’t they, Regulus?”

Regulus nodded slightly. He bit his lip.

“It was most instructive, wasn’t it, Regulus?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Regulus replied softly.

“Now then, Sirius,” she said, turning her attention from Regulus. “I trust you know how to behave this term, correct?”

“Yes, Mother.”

“And did Lucius give you that jewel?”

“Yes, Mother. It’s in my pocket.”

“What jewel?” Regulus asked eagerly.

“That is between your brother and Lucius Malfoy, my dear,” she replied frankly. “Now then, boys, it’s time for you to go. I shall keep in touch with Narcissa on your progress, and I expect to hear good things.”

“I know, Mother,” Sirius said, trying to conceal his irritation.

“And you will not maintain your poor attitude, will you?”

“No, ma’am.”

“And you will earn high marks this year?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She nodded, seemingly satisfied with her son’s prompt replies. With that, she gave both boys a light kiss on the forehead, as did their father. Sirius waited for a word from him, but only received a “be good, son” from him.

“I will, Father.”

“Bye, Dad!” Regulus shouted as they ran towards the train, which was due to leave any minute. Together, the Black brothers lugged their trunks onto the train and banged their way down the long car and into a compartment already occupied by Cassius, Damien and Severus, along with Alecto and Amicus Carrow.

“OK, guys, you all know my stupid brat brother, right? This is Regulus!” Sirius said with a laugh. Regulus gave him a shove.

“I learned how to be a brat from Sirius!” he crowed.

Severus rolled his eyes. “I believe that,” he grumbled.

“Never mind Snape,” Sirius laughed. “Part of his nose is still on the platform!”

Severus flipped him the finger, which made Regulus laugh.

“Can you imagine what Mother would do if I gave her that gesture!” he said loudly.

“Do you want to give your mother the finger?” Severus asked pointedly.

Regulus reddened slightly.

“He was just kidding, Snape, in case you don’t know a joke when you hear it,” Sirius snapped. He was already tired of Severus’ annoying arrogance. It reminded him too much of his mother.

“Looking forward to another year in Gryffindor?” Severus asked.

“I know how to handle myself,” Sirius replied coolly.

Severus raised an eyebrow. “So I hear. Just don’t do that too much or you’ll go blind.”

The compartment exploded in laughter, Sirius included. They spent the rest of the trip giving Regulus all sorts of advice and abusing the reputations of James, Remus and most other Gryffindors.

* * * *

Sirius and Regulus parted ways, however, at the Hogsmeade station, where Regulus would get to make that glorious journey across the lake. Sirius and the others, on the other hand, piled into coaches pulled by the strangest looking animals he’d ever seen--it looked almost reptilian, big and skinny and almost haunted, yet gentle at the same time.

It felt different this time, entering the Great Hall with everyone else. Sirius felt a little old, a little experienced and even a little wise. No longer was he just a little child experiencing everything for the first time. He was a veteran student now, a part of the whole community. Sirius liked that.

Sirius also liked being reunited with the Marauders. As nice as it was to see Pettigrew over the summer, it was nothing to seeing James again. Sirius only realised just how much he missed his friend the moment they saw each other back at school. The first thing James did when Sirius sat down at the Gryffindor table was to thwack his forehead with the back of his fork.

“Fork you!” James shouted, laughing.

“Hey!” Sirius retorted. “Fork off!” He poked James in the shoulder with his own fork.

“Is this what we have to look forward to this term?” Lily asked derisively as she plopped down next to Sirius. Cecilia sat across from her, next to Remus.

“That and more!” Sirius replied. “My little brother starts this year!”

“Is he anything like you?” Lily asked.

Sirius shrugged. “Not really.”

“Good,” she replied with a smirk.

“He’s far worse,” Sirius continued. “If you guys think I’m brainwashed by my family, you haven’t seen anything yet till you meet Regulus!”

“So you’re not brainwashed any more?” Lily asked.

Sirius paused. “I have my own mind,” he said haughtily, trying to imitate Severus.

“That’s a first,” James remarked with a snigger. “There’s hope for you after all, Black.”

“Or you just need to be educated on a few things, Potter,” Sirius shot back.

“Oh really? On what? Who to hate more?”

“Can we not have politics, please?” Remus begged. “Come on, guys! Lay off at least until after pudding, for goodness sake!”

But the conversation stopped altogether as the doors to the Great Hall opened wide, letting Professor McGonagall stride through, leading the new First Years down the centre aisle towards the front. One of the Carrows was in the line, along with a very energetic, rambunctious Regulus Black. Sirius grinned proudly as he watched his brother, and he laughed aloud when Regulus tripped over his robes.

“You guys look alike,” Lily whispered in Sirius’ ear.

“He’s cute,” Cecilia said. “He’ll be chasing girls soon.”

Sirius felt his ears turn pink. He worried terribly for his brother just then, unsure what would be best for him. Sirius would have loved for Regulus to be with him in Gryffindor. Regulus could join the Marauders, even help the boys with the map, take part in pillow fights and their constant attempts to paint a mustache on the Fat Lady’s portrait. On the other hand, Regulus would undoubtedly get in trouble, as would Sirius for being a bad influence or something. And in Slytherin, Regulus could keep Severus in check and make sure he didn’t get too arrogant.

“Black, Regulus!” Professor McGonagall called out.

A very nervous Regulus approached the stool and sat, giving Sirius one more glance before the Sorting Hat was placed on his black waves. A minute passed, and then two, making both Regulus and Sirius increasingly anxious.

“What’s taking so long?” Lily whispered in Sirius’ ear. 

Sirius shrugged. Before he could reply, the Sorting Hat made its declaration:

“SLYTHERIN!”

Sirius’ heart broke, to his shame. He had hoped, secretly of course, that Regulus would join him, though he knew the chances of that were pretty slim. A new worry assaulted his mind in the wake of that realisation: what would this mean for his whole relationship with Regulus? Could they still be friends, despite their house differences? Would their parents allow that, or would they renew their disappointment in Sirius’ unfortunate situation? 

His mind was all a jumble, so when James started in on him, Sirius reacted instinctively.

“Figures, right?” James joked.

“Excuse me?” Sirius replied, affronted.

James laughed. “Just keep an eye on him, you know, and keep him away from Snape.”

“Snape?”

“You don’t want him teaching little Regulus any dark spells, do you? Those Slytherins don’t know how to say no!”

Sirius flushed with protective rage. “So you think that just because someone is in Slytherin, he’s automatically fated to be a dark wizard?”

James smirked. “No, not anyone. Just members of your family.”   
Sirius opened his mouth to retort, but he suddenly didn’t have the heart. He lost his appetite, regardless of the sumptuous feast which now lay before them all. As everyone around him was tucking into their roasted chicken and shepherd’s pie and every good thing, an ashen-faced Sirius swung his trembling legs around and got to his feet.

“I don’t feel well,” he mumbled.

“Hey!” James called out.

“You’re such a prat, Potter!” Lily hissed at him, only by then, Sirius hardly heard her rant. He slouched towards the doors of the Great Hall, meaning to return to Gryffindor and to his bed. That’s when a Ravenclaw Prefect stopped him in his tracks.

“And where do you think you’re going, Black?” the redheaded, spotty boy asked sharply.

“I’m sick,” Sirius said, his voice heavy with grief. “Got sick on the train, I think. I’m going back to Gryffindor for a lie-down.”

The boy looked him over like a chef inspecting a roasted duck. He even touched Sirius on the forehead and the cheek as if he were a Healer. “You feel alright to me, but you should go to the Hospital Wing, get a restorative.”

Sirius nodded glumly and left, only he didn’t end up going to the Hospital Wing, nor to Gryffindor house. Rather, he wended his way to Flitwick’s disused classroom, where he sank down onto one of the many cushions, tears streaming treacherously down his face. He sat and sniffled and dried his eyes a thousand times, all at once losing any last shreds of self-knowledge.

After a while, Sirius managed to calm down his emotions, now feeling spent emotionally and physically. His head ached and his empty stomach rumbled uncomfortably. He fixated his glance on the passing clouds outside, glowing under the light of the moon. To be so quiet, so serene...Sirius wished he could indulge in such a luxury, but the more he thought about his situation and now, Regulus’ situation, he despaired just a little.

The rattle of the doorknob snapped Sirius back into reality. The heavy door creaked open, then quickly shut with a squeak. Sirius recognised the familiar squish of James’ only pair of dress shoes--he groaned inaudibly, trying to ignore the new scent of dinner. James squatted down and set before Sirius a plate piled high with a lot of everything from the feast.

“Peace offering,” James said quietly.

Sirius nodded but didn’t say anything.

“Go on,” James said, nudging the plate towards Sirius. “You didn’t get anything to eat. You’re not fat enough to starve yourself.”

When Sirius didn’t move, James sat down next to him, at a safe distance.

“I figured you’d come in here,” he said, trying to be friendly. “Coolest room in the castle, right?” He paused, adjusting his spectacles. “Look, man, I’m sorry, alright? Sirius?”

Sirius nodded. “I guess I overreacted, I mean, I should be used to you being a jerk.”

James chuckled at that. “That’s what Dad says about me all the time.”

“James, can I...I mean, do I have your confidence?”

James shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, yeah. Sure.”

“I haven’t told anyone about Remus, by the way,” Sirius said. “Not even Pettigrew knows. Not even Snape knows!”

“Why would Snape know?”

“He stalks us, remember?” Sirius picked up a chicken leg and took a bite. It tasted good, even though it was cold by then. “I...I just don’t understand myself any more, I guess.”

James frowned. “You’re twelve! You have a good sixty years before you start to understand yourself! That’s what Dad always says, anyway.”

“I should be happy for Regulus,” Sirius lamented. “I should be jealous of him but...I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m supposed to think or feel or...anything right now.”

James scooted over to give Sirius a pat on the shoulder. “You know I’ll always be there for you, right? We’re mates, no matter who your family is or mine for that matter.” 

For a moment, they leaned their heads together, not talking any more. Suddenly, Sirius looked more closely at the plate of food. His stomach rumbled again.

“Well I’ll tell you one thing, Potter. We can’t sit here and let this food get even colder.”

James mussed Sirius’ hair and grinned.

“You’re helping me eat all this, right?”

With that, they tore into everything on the plate until there was nothing left but a few chicken bones and a couple of stray traces of chocolate. They lay back on the cushions to digest--James burped loudly, making both boys laugh.

“Sign of a good meal,” James said.

“Sign of bad manners,” Sirius shot back. He burped, even louder than James had. “I guess I’m a bigot and a slob!” he declared.

James sat up, frowning. “You’re not a bigot, Sirius.”

“I’m supposed to be one.”

“Yeah, but you’re not! I see how well you treat Remus and you’re sure not shy about getting help from Evans!”

“Don’t you get it, James?” Sirius insisted. “That’s my problem! I have no business even talking for a second to Evans or to Remus! I have no business being in Gryffindor! I should be in Slytherin with Regulus and Severus and the others, like I was raised to be!”

“But there has to be a reason why you’re not,” James replied hotly. “You don’t have to be that way! You can be anything you want.”

“No I can’t!” Sirius shouted. “You don’t get it, you have no idea what I face if I don’t become just like them! I’m not like you, James! I don’t get the privilege of that devil-may-care attitude you flaunt around so well!”

“Now hang on just a bloody minute!”

“NO! You hang on!” Sirius cried, new tears filling his tired eyes.

James gripped Sirius by the shoulders, hard. “Hey! Sirius, come on! Listen to me! You are not bound by anyone other than your own self! Whatever you become is because you chose it, not because you were forced against your will! Don’t you get it?”

Sirius looked down. “What if I do want what they want?”

“And what if you don’t?”

He didn’t know what to say. 


	12. Pettigrew's Error

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _One morning in early December, Sirius awoke to a sort of unexpected peace. He knew these thoughts about Lily were bad, treacherous, horrible. If his mother found out, she’d have him flogged or worse...so why did he no longer feel guilty? Had he lost his conscience, or was it just pre-teenage rebellion taking over? Sirius supposed it was the latter, that he was nearly thirteen years old and thus, knew much more than any adult or authority figure. Yes. He liked that idea very much. It was so much safer than the alternative._

The conversation troubled him for days, to the point where Sirius found himself struggling academically. Each A and D he received depressed him even more, and when he learned that Regulus was earning O’s in every class, Sirius felt even worse. He knew he could get help from Lily, but for the first time, he hedged at that.

It wasn’t that Sirius didn’t like her, because he did--very much, actually. He admired her cheerful attitude and her ability to stand up to others. Lily was unpretentious and kind, making Sirius wonder how she came to be as she was. He wondered about her muggle parents and whether they had something to do with that lovely quality she possessed. Lily was definitely not like most witches Sirius knew. She didn’t have that obsession with blood status and she had no entanglements with other wizarding families.

Why not like her? Why reject her? After all, it wasn’t Lily’s fault that she was born to muggles. She didn’t ask to be a mudblood. Lily’s magic was as strong as anyone else’s, and maybe even more so. Why wasn’t that good enough?

Knowing that his mother would likely punish him severely for his low grades once again, Sirius made a decision. He would go to Lily for help and he wouldn’t feel sorry for it. After all, why should he? His mother didn’t have to know, and nor did Regulus or Severus or Narcissa or anyone else. Maybe Lily would agree to keep it a little secret, that he sought some tutoring from her on the sly. He hoped she wouldn’t be insulted when he asked her to keep it between them. Then again, maybe she wouldn’t even ask why.

“Why don’t you want anyone to know I’m helping you?” she asked. Drat. She asked.

“If Potter found out I was getting help, you know how he’d react,” Sirius lied. “He’s always on me about everything!”

She eyed him carefully. “So it’s not because I’m a mudblood?” she asked.

Sirius gasped. He’d never heard Lily used that word before. She hated that word!

“What?” Sirius exclaimed. “You don’t use that kind of language, Evans!”

She giggled. “What? A Black shocked by the M-word?”

“Hey…”

“I’m impressed, actually, Sirius,” she said, giving his arm a little squeeze. “So let’s get going on this homework, yeah?”

* * * *

They worked together incredibly well, as it turned out. The more that Sirius went over his lessons with Lily, the more he learned. To his amazement, Sirius discovered that Lily seemed to learn a thing or two from him, which made him feel proud. He loved the scent of strawberries in her hair and the minty smell of her chewing gum. Sometimes as they worked together, Sirius found him distracted by her sparkling emerald eyes and her fierce red hair. He wanted to touch her hair, run his fingers through its softness…

What was going on?

One morning in early December, Sirius awoke to a sort of unexpected peace. He knew these thoughts about Lily were bad, treacherous, horrible. If his mother found out, she’d have him flogged or worse...so why did he no longer feel guilty? Had he lost his conscience, or was it just pre-teenage rebellion taking over? Sirius supposed it was the latter, that he was nearly thirteen years old and thus, knew much more than any adult or authority figure. Yes. He liked that idea very much. It was so much safer than the alternative.

At the same time, however, Sirius had not lost sight of his promise to the Dark Lord, to bring James Potter to his side, by any means necessary. To that end, Sirius continued to develop his close friendship with Peter Pettigrew, even going so far as to bring him along when he hung out with Cassius, Damien and Severus. Though he liked his old friends a little less than before, Sirius knew it was important to keep up with them, especially with Regulus around so much.

“Hey you guys,” Damien announced one Saturday afternoon as they trudged around the lake to throw snowballs at the Giant Squid, “we just got the word that my cousin, Albert, is getting the Mark on Solstice this year!”

“That’s so awesome!” Cassius replied enthusiastically. “I wish we could go and watch!”

“No kids allowed, I guess,” Sirius said. “Only Death Eaters are allowed.”

“When did your mum and dad become Death Eaters, Black?” Cassius asked.

“They’re not. They don’t need to be,” Sirius replied haughtily. Severus snorted.

“Why?” Pettigrew asked, flummoxed.

Sirius rolled his eyes and laughed.

“Honestly, Pettigrew,” Severus sniped. “Don’t you even know who his parents are, you twit?”

“I’m not a twit!” Pettigrew shot back.

“No, you are a twit,” Severus said smoothly. “But don’t worry too much. You still have your uses.” Sirius socked him in the arm, laughing again.

“You’re such a ponce, Snape!” he said. “I love it! But seriously, mate, we have to set a good example for Pettigrew here. After all, he has to return to Gryffindor every night!”

“So do you!” Pettigrew pointed out.

“Exactly!” Sirius replied. “You need to learn to take advantage of its benefits whilst remembering where your true loyalties lie.”

Cassius laughed. “You sound like a good Slytherin, Black!”

“Who do you think raised me? The day I don’t is day I don’t want to know about!” But no sooner had Sirius made the comment that he wondered. He had meant it at the time, but did he truly mean it? He supposed so...what else was he supposed to think?

Thank goodness for the Marauders’ Map. That project, though it was for his parents’ enemies, distracted Sirius from his darker musings and gave him a new focus. By the last week of the winter term, the boys had mapped out the entire ground floor and much of the grounds, though they stopped short of the Forbidden Forest. The Marauders oo’ed and ah’ed at Sirus’ talent for artistic detail, not leaving out a single thing. 

“Hey,” he said, setting down his quill and stretching his arms. “What if we made this more than just a map?”

“What did you have in mind?” James asked.

Sirius scratched his head with his wand and thought a moment. “See, I was sort of thinking that it might be a fun way of...well...sort of spying on people, or at least of knowing which Prefects are about at night when we’re doing this.”

Remus nodded, but pursed his lips, thinking of how that could be accomplished.

“How would we do that?” James asked.

“I don’t know,” Sirius replied. “I know that the Dark Lord has ways of spying on the Ministry. I’ll ask my mother if she has any ideas.”

“Don’t take a risk like that, Sirius,” Remus cautioned. “You don’t want us exposed.”

“Oh, don’t worry, Lupin. I’ll tell her some story, you know, like I want to keep an eye on my brother or something.”

James grinned. “I think it’s a brilliant idea! I hope we can pull it off, though!”

“My mother has all sorts of weird spells, so I’m sure she’ll be okay with this as long as she thinks I’m doing this to keep Regulus out of trouble or to spy for the Dark Lord.”

“True,” Remus replied. “Of course, she might want Regulus to keep you out of trouble. You’re the one living with blood-traitors and such.”

“And werewolves!” Pettigrew declared.

In a flash, a furious James lunged at him, grabbing him by the front of his robes. “What do you mean? Who told you that?” he demanded. Remus could only stare at the two of them, ashen.

“Hey!” Sirius shouted. “Let him go!”

But James only gripped a shaking Pettigrew harder, getting right in his face. “Who the hell told you, Pettigrew?”

“No one!”

“That is a damn LIE! WHO TOLD YOU?”

Pettigrew shot Sirius a desperate glance, making James even more enraged.

“I...uh…” Pettigrew stammered. “...I heard Lu…”

“Lucius Malfoy?” Sirius asked. But why? When? “He told you? He just told you?”

“I...I just...I heard him say something,” Pettigrew choked. “Remus, I’m sorry! I didn’t tell anyone! I swear it!”

“My gods,” James breathed, finally letting Pettigrew go. “Remus…”

“We need to talk to Professor Dumbledore,” Remus replied gravely. “I can’t have people knowing about this! I just can’t! And every full moon I…”

“I know,” James replied. “Remus, it’s not your fault. You didn’t ask to be attacked and you didn’t ask to become a werewolf. Look, mate, we’ll work it out. We’ll fix it.”

“You had just better make sure you don’t breathe a word of this, Peter!” Sirius said sharply. But then he wondered just how long Pettigrew knew this and said nothing to him or to the others. Maybe he was scared to tell. Maybe he feared that Remus might attack him. Sirius supposed that had merit. He couldn’t fathom any other reason why Pettigrew had kept this so quiet.

The thought assaulted him all the way home on the train a couple of days later, and even Regulus’ constant jokes and barbs against blood-traitors and mudbloods couldn’t bring Sirius out of his dark mood. What kept coming back at him was that he’d felt an urge to protect Remus, as James did, to prevent him from getting hurt or humiliated or shunned. And as with Lily, to his surprise, Sirius didn’t feel the slightest guilt for wanting to protect someone he considered a friend, despite his being...a monster.

That night at dinner, unfortunately, the Malfoys and the Black sisters came over, along with the Lestrange brothers. As they sat and dined on foie gras and pheasant and white asparagus, Sirius could barely look at Lucius. He couldn’t get Remus’ sad, betrayed eyes out of his mind, and Lucius’ eager attention to Regulus only made Sirius angrier. As Regulus regaled everyone with wild tales of his first term at Hogwarts, Sirius found that he couldn’t eat another bite. Regulus was too much like James sometimes, especially when he started telling stories.

“So when that stupid Hufflepuff got herself stuck in the missing step, I got her with dungbombs!” Regulus crowed.

“You should have done a body-binding curse on the little cow,” Bellatrix noted with a snigger.

“The half-blood got what she deserved,” Regulus said, stuffing his mouth with an overloaded spoonful of creme brulée. “To bad you weren’t there to see it, Lucius.”

Sirius unconsciously let out an audible _humph_ , but when his mother glared at him, he blanched.

“What was that, Sirius?” she asked.

“Nothing, Mother,” Sirius replied.

“Do you object to your brother dealing with half-bloods? Oh yes, that’s right, you’re spending your time seducing blood-traitors, aren’t you?”

Sirius squared his shoulders at that. “With the Dark Lord’s approval, Mother,” he reminded her. “And I am being careful! I know what I’m doing!”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “And if you speak like that to me again, my love, you will regret it. Is that clear?”

“Yes, Mother,” Sirius replied stiffly. “Loud and clear.”

“And are your marks as good as Regulus’ have been?” she asked.

“I had a slow start this year…”

“Again?”

“I picked up in plenty of time, Mother,” Sirius shot back, checking his tone. “I got myself focused and now I’m fine. My marks are O’s and E’s now.”

“No E’s, Sirius,” she demanded. “Regulus doesn’t have a single one, and neither should you! Narcissa and Bella and myself and your father all had all O’s, and so should you. I don’t want to see any more E’s!”

Sirius sighed lightly. “Yes, Mother. I’ll do my best.”

Regulus bit his lip, but then he winked at Sirius and laughed. “Say, I got to know that Severus kid a bit. The bloke is a bloody lunatic, but he’s wicked clever at magic! He knows how to do Unforgivables!”

“Did you see it or did he just tell you?” Sirius wondered.

“You doubt your friend?” Lucius asked pointedly.

“Severus is alright, but he can really be a tosser sometimes,” Sirius replied.

“Really? In what way is that?” Lucius queried. All eyes fell on Sirius, who could only stare back, bewildered.

“From what I hear,” Walburga said, “Severus Snape is an extraordinary young wizard. Powerful beyond his years. I can’t see how that qualifies him as, what did you say, Sirius? A tosser?”

Sirius lowered his eyes.

“I hear that Severus doesn’t get along with that Potter boy,” Walburga mused. “Does that classify him as a tosser?”

“No...no, of course not.” By then, Sirius was growing increasingly frustrated. Just how much did Lucius know and what did he pass on?

“Well we’re waiting your explanation, son,” Orion Black, Sirius’ father, said sternly. Orion spoke only when absolutely necessary, making Sirius even more nervous.

“He’s a snob where he doesn’t have a right to be,” Sirius finally blurted out. “You should see the state of his clothes, but he goes around acting like he’s better than anyone! I mean who is he? Is he even pureblooded?”

“I should think so,” Walburga replied. “I can’t imagine that someone with natural talents like his would be anything other than pureblooded. Can you imagine?”

Regulus smirked. “Say, Sirius, what about your mudblood friend? That girl with the red hair? I hear she’s pretty awesome.” But when Lucius glared at him fiercely, Regulus blushed.

“Mudblood FRIEND?” Walburga said, a tone of violence in her voice.

“She’s just someone I know in Gryffindor. Seriously, Mother, you know I wouldn’t betray our kind like that!” Sirius found himself pleading, yet at the same time, he couldn’t help but feel like a heel. He prayed desperately that the subject would change.

“If the Dark Lord knew of this, Sirius, he would not be happy.”

“Mother, really, it’s fine,” Sirius argued. “Look, this girl is friendly with Potter, so I have to be around her, at least for now! But once Potter starts to see our side of things, then I can pull him away from her and we can forget the mudblood.”

But as he lay in bed that night, Sirius wiped away tears of regret. Something was going to happen, and he wasn’t sure how he would handle the consequences. Suddenly, he wished that James were around so they could just talk and be together and not worry so much. More than anything, Sirius longed for peace, for the freedom to follow his heart...even if it strayed from what he knew to be true and right.


	13. The Whomping Willow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The very last week of the term, Dumbledore took the boys out across the grounds well after curfew, promising to show them something very special. The five of them walked down the lawns over the gentle hill and into a little clearing. Just ahead, Sirius saw a rather large, odd-looking tree, something he hadn’t noticed before. Dumbledore stopped a short distance before the tree, beckoning the Marauders to take a look._
> 
> _“What do you make of that tree?” Dumbledore asked them. “I just had it planted a couple of weeks ago."_
> 
> _“What is it, sir?” Pettigrew asked, his voice quavering just a little._
> 
> _“It is called a Whomping Willow,” Dumbledore replied readily._

The map was nearly finished, after three long years of persistence and painstaking detail. Sirius and James sat back and looked upon the completed product with swelling pride. James cuffed him upside the head.

“It’s extraordinary,” he said. Sirius nodded.

“But there’s just one more thing we have to do with it,” Sirius said eagerly. Taking out his wand, he tapped it and said, “Anima animus.”

“What does that do?” Pettigrew asked.

Sirius smirked. “It’s a spell I got from my mother. Just watch.” 

Suddenly, after about thirty seconds, little moving names started to appear all over the map, going every which way. James gasped in amazement. Lupin couldn’t take his eyes from the map, now animated and alive with movement.

“Wow!” James exclaimed. “What sort of spell is that?”

“My mother said that the Dark Lord created a map of the Ministry so that he could spy on everyone there, watch all their comings and goings. Pretty spiffing, isn’t it?”

Remus frowned. “So wait. Then this is dark magic?”

“It’s not dark!” Sirius protested. “Just because the Dark Lord invented the spell doesn’t make it so. It won’t kill or maim anyone or modify memories or anything. It’s just...useful.”

“It’s bloody brilliant,” James conceded. “I guess even evil louts have their good days.”

“Sure!” Sirius replied. “And think of what the Order could do with this!”

Pettigrew laughed. “Think of what WE can do with this!”

“Hey, we’ll know when Snivellus is stalking us again,” James said.

“Snivellus?” Sirius roared. “Oh gods, James, that’s priceless!”

“I thought you liked Snivellus,” Remus pointed out.

“He’s alright, I guess. I got nervous about him when he started getting too friendly with Narcissa in our Second Year.”

James shrugged. “Well, she is your cousin after all.”

“Nice. Doesn’t mean we’re best bloody friends,” Sirius said sourly.

Remus scowled at the two of them. “Can I break into this little conversation for just a moment? What do we do with the map now? Dumbledore asked us to make it, so shouldn’t we hand it over to his care now we’re done?”

Sirius felt a pang of regret just then. He knew, of course, that the map wasn’t for them, but on the other hand, it had become so much a part of him that he didn’t want to let it go. He sensed that James felt the same way.

“It’s a shame, isn’t it,” James thought aloud. “We did make the damn thing after all. Maybe he’ll let us hang onto for a while, you know, have a bit of fun with it.”

“We’ve earned it, after all,” Sirius agreed.

But as they made their way to Dumbledore’s office the following day, all four Marauders felt a burning fear in the pit of their stomachs, unsure what the Headmaster would say or even whether he liked the final product. Sirius hadn’t told him about this new feature of the map, and it suddenly occurred to him that Dumbledore might like it so much he’d want to keep it for himself.

Dumbledore’s expression, therefore, surprised him entirely. As the Marauders sat before him in his office, Sirius watched as the Headmaster’s expression went from satisfied to curious to dumbfounded.

“This is astonishing, boys,” he finally said. “You are far more talented than I’d realised. Mr. Black, your artistic talents are extremely impressive, I must say.”

“Thank you, sir,” Sirius replied, feeling his heart swell just a bit.

“And what is this?” Dumbledore went on. “The ability to track every single person in this castle. This is inspired! Who came up with this spell?”

“You-Know-Who!” Pettigrew said excitedly, but when the Marauders glared at him, he turned white.

Dumbledore, however, seemed unrattled by this. “Lord Voldemort?” he said lightly.

“He doesn’t know about the map, sir,” Sirius assured him. “I swear it!”

Dumbledore looked directly into his eyes, searching the boy’s face. “I believe you, Mr. Black. But tell me where Lord Voldemort got such a curious spell.”

“He devised it to spy on the Ministry of Magic,” Sirius replied. But he paused, wondering whether he’d said too much. Surely the Dark Lord kept his private affairs very private, and Sirius was certain that the Dark Lord didn’t want Albus Dumbledore knowing about a spying spell.

“And he passed it on to you?”

“No, sir. My mother did. I told her I was making a charmed parchment so I could keep an eye on Regulus, and she gave me the spell.”

Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. “So you lied to your mother?”

“Doesn’t everyone?”

“I don’t know, son. Does everyone?”

James sniggered. “Well Remus doesn’t, of course, because he’s bloody perfect!”

Dumbledore grinned. “Unlike yourself, James?”

James shrugged. “My perfections rest in other areas of life.”

They all laughed.

“Boys, this is a wonderful map, and I know you all put a tremendous amount of work into it. For the time being, I shall have need of it, however, I believe that we should work out an agreement with each other, as you took the pains to create it.”

“So you mean we can use it sometimes?” Sirius blurted out excitedly.

“I believe so, Mr. Black.”

That made Sirius’ day, though it troubled him once again. Yet another reason to think well of the old man. Yet another reason to have second thoughts about the Order of the Phoenix.

* * * *

The rest of the term passed like a dream. More running the corridors with the Marauders, more tutoring from Lily, and now, a new task from Dumbledore. The very last week of the term, he took the boys out across the grounds well after curfew, promising to show them something very special. The five of them walked down the lawns over the gentle hill and into a little clearing. Just ahead, Sirius saw a rather large, odd-looking tree, something he hadn’t noticed before. Dumbledore stopped a short distance before the tree, beckoning the Marauders to take a look.

“What do you make of that tree?” Dumbledore asked them. “I just had it planted a couple of weeks ago."

“A couple of weeks?” James exclaimed. “But we never saw it before! We come down this way a lot!”

“I placed charms around the area, not unlike muggle-repellant charms, to keep everyone away. This is a very special tree, but it is also very dangerous.”

“What is it, sir?” Pettigrew asked, his voice quavering just a little.

“It is called a Whomping Willow,” Dumbledore replied readily. The name made James laugh aloud. “Ah, so I see the name amuses you just as much as it amused me, James.”

“Why is it called a Whomping Willow?” Remus asked.

“I’ll show you,” Dumbledore replied. “You boys stay here. Do not move an inch, for your own safety’s sake.” With that, he stepped forward slowly and carefully. For a moment all was well, but when he reached within just a few feet of the tree, it suddenly came to life, swiping at Dumbledore violently. It whipped and smashed and nearly lunged at the Headmaster, forcing him to jump back.

“Oh my gods,” Remus murmured under his breath.

“Why would he plant such a thing?” Sirius wondered.

“What’s it protecting?” James mused.

Dumbledore jogged back to them, a little out of breath. “To answer your questions, boys, this tree protects an unknown passage into Hogsmeade. In particular, to a little shack just outside of town. The former owners abandoned the place ages ago, and so, it stands empty and rather weather-worn. But it is a nice place for schoolboys to gather after hours.”

“Wicked!” James replied eagerly. “Can we break into Honeydukes?”

“No, you may not,” Dumbledore replied gently. “Mr. Lupin, this pertains to you. You are all familiar with Mr. Lupin’s condition, correct?”

They all nodded. Pettigrew blushed scarlet when James threw him a quick snarl.

“Now that I know what you four are capable of magically, I think you can be of assistance to Mr. Lupin on those nights when he transforms. Are you boys familiar with the term, Animagus?”

“We’re only Fourth Years, sir!” Sirius protested. “Isn’t that really advanced Transfiguration?”

“It is, however, with proper lessons, I think you can manage it in time. It is nearly summertime, which will give you plenty of time to focus your efforts on learning to become Animagi.”

“But why do we want to?” Pettigrew asked.

“Because werewolves won’t attack animals,” Remus replied.

James smiled. “So you won’t be alone,” he said.

“That’s a great idea,” Sirius said despite himself. His only worry was how to keep this from the Dark Lord. “But sir, I don’t know whether I…”

Dumbledore looked upon him almost like a father just then. “Mr. Black, I believe you are also in need of lessons in Occlumency.”

“What about us, sir?” James protested. “I want to be an Occlumens, too.”

“You don’t have to return to a family of dark wizards, James, whereas Mr. Black does. There are some around him who are Legilimens, thus making it necessary at this point for him to learn how to keep them out. Are you willing, Mr. Black?”

Sirius paused for the eternity of a second, during which too many clashing ideas crashed through his mind and heart. This was it, his big moment from which he could never return. He looked at them all, standing there under the starlight, all eagerly awaiting his response. Learning Occlumency to keep the Dark Lord out meant taking a side about which he wasn’t completely convinced was right. It meant throwing away everything his parents had done for him all his life. It meant taking to heart what James had told him two years ago in Flitwick’s classroom, that he had choices in life, by his own power and his own mind…

“Yes, sir, I think so,” Sirius replied, his heart pounding in his ears. Pettigrew looked away, but James and Remus beamed.

* * * *

He understood Pettigrew’s concern, and frankly, Sirius shared it. By accepting Dumbledore’s offer to learn Occlumency, Sirius understood that he had created an irreversible rupture with his own family. As much as this worried him, however, Sirius knew why he had done it. Though the thought of being around blood-traitors and mudbloods still distasted him, he was willing to set aside those qualities for the sake of friendship with these particular undesirables. Despite their bickering and teasing, Sirius knew that he and James were as close as he was to his own brother. In fact, these days, James had grown closer to him than his own brother.

As Sirius and Regulus had grown older, Sirius watched his brother transform from someone carefree and occasionally open-minded to yet another Black drone. Sure, Regulus retained his bright personality, and he hadn’t lost his boyish desire to play pranks and tell dirty jokes. That made Sirius happy. On the other hand, he could also see that Severus Snape’s influence was rubbing off on Regulus. Regulus looked up to Severus, desired to be as dark and dangerous and inscrutable. 

Naturally, Regulus didn’t have it in him to be remotely inscrutable, and at times, Sirius doubted whether his little brother could ever really become a dangerous dark wizard. Regulus was too playful, too full of glee and mischief and fun. It bothered Sirius that Lucius had recently taken a shine to Regulus, though Regulus wasn’t yet fourteen. Sirius wanted to reach out to his brother in these moments, sweep down and protect Regulus from an awful fate, always worried that he would turn into another Rodolphus Lestrange or Ludo Bagman. Regulus deserved better, Sirius thought.

But now, by making the choice to learn Occlumency from Dumbledore, Sirius had placed himself in an impossible situation, and the more he thought about it at breakfast the next morning, the more he started to have second thoughts.

“Hey!” James snapped, throwing a bit of scone at Sirius’ forehead.

“Bullseye!” Pettigrew crowed as the scone hit Sirius square between the eyes.

“Cut it out, Potter,” Sirius groused. “It’s too early in the morning.”

“Don’t worry, mate,” James replied sarcastically. “I won’t do anything to damage your pretty face.”

Just then, Lily and Cecilia plunked themselves down next to them. Cecilia nudged Sirius playfully. “Nothing could damage that face, no matter what Potter tries to do!” she gushed.

Lily threw her a curious look, and James burst out laughing. Sirius tried to cover his embarrassment with a wide grin.

“Say, Cecilia, maybe you and I shouldn’t be with this crowd of dullards,” he said, doing his best to seem flirtatious. “Maybe you and I should go for a morning walk.”

Before he had gotten the final words out of his mouth, an excited Cecilia had already jumped up and gathered her things, eagerly awaiting him. Ignoring James’ choking laughter, Sirius rose with all the dignity of his mother and offered his arm to Cecilia--together, they swept out of the Great Hall, heading towards the privacy of the lake.

Now what?

He didn’t exactly know Cecilia very well, and as far as she knew, she was mostly just a nice witch and an average student. More often than not she was with Lily, or sometimes with Alice Bones, but she never said much when she was around the likes of the Marauders. As they walked onward, not saying too much, it suddenly occurred to Sirius that witches tended to act a little differently around wizards like James and...himself. They either chattered on interminably, giggling and squealing and touching, or like Cecilia, they sat quietly and just sort of stared. Lots of witches stared at James, especially now that he was getting older and taller.

“...so I was so excited when you wanted to come out here with me!” Cecilia went on. Sirius suddenly realised that she had been speaking nonstop for the past five minutes. He had been so entrenched in thought that he hadn’t noticed a word she was saying.

Sirius took notice of her golden blonde hair, falling in gentle curls around her slender shoulders. Actually, she really was quite pretty. He noticed her delicate nose and her full lips and suddenly…

“How could I not want to come out here with you?” he said smoothly. “I’ve been wanting to be alone with you for a long time.”

She giggled. “Oh come on, Sirius! I bet you say that to all the girls!”

“No, no one else,” he admitted.

“But what about Lily? You’re always with her!”

What about Lily? It was true that Sirius was intensely attracted to her...sort of. He also knew that James liked her as well. Then again, a lot of wizards liked Lily Evans.

“She’s too clever for me,” Sirius replied with a laugh.

“And I’m an idiot?”

“No! But everyone knows that Evans is the cleverest student in the school. She’s even cleverer than most of the teachers! You and I are mere mortals.”

There. That seemed to work. Cecilia smiled quixotically.

“Say, Cecilia,” Sirius said, taking hold of her soft hand. “Tell me about yourself. Are you from London?”

“Canterbury,” she replied, giving his hand a squeeze. “My father is an Anglican priest and my mother does charity work for the Church.”

Muggle-born! He found himself unconsciously loosening his grip on her hand, but in a quick second, he tightened his hold on her hand. Sirius could feel the Mudblood contagion seeping through his skin, invading his blood and sweat and muscle. His throat tightened just a little as he crinkled his nose, certain he’d just smelled something awful in her presence. Finally, Sirius turned to face her, again, loosening his grip on her hand.

“Say, Cecilia,” Sirius said softly. 

He let go of her hand, but then ran his hands slowly down her arms, feeling their elegance and suppleness. His breathing quickened just a little, and when he leaned into her, he could hear her own breathing quicken, too. To kiss a Mudblood, to press his own, pureblooded lips to her own, filthy, stinking lips made his stomach churn painfully for a moment, but then, Sirius closed his eyes, haltingly touching his lips to hers. He wanted to taste bile and foul poison, but to his consternation, all he tasted in her kiss was strawberry lip gloss.

In the eternity of a minute, surfacing from that deep kiss, Sirius Black had crossed the proverbial Rubicon. There was no going back.


	14. Rebel with a Cause

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sirius started to see more and more of Cecilia. They met in dark corners and kissed passionately, deeply, inappropriately, and after only a couple of days, she was allowing his hands to travel to forbidden places. After another day, he was allowing her to do exactly the same thing. And so they carried on like that, their clothes in disarray, his trousers unbuttoned, her blouse half off. He pressed himself against her and into her in closets and empty rooms and unknown corridors far away from prying eyes. She was his soft rebellion, his gentle treasure, and every encounter they had made her all the more precious to him._

Naturally, his mother couldn’t find out a word about Cecilia the Mudblood. All the more reason for Occlumency.

Exams first, of course, then special lessons. In the meantime, Sirius started to see more and more of Cecilia. They met in dark corners and kissed passionately, deeply, inappropriately, and after only a couple of days, she was allowing his hands to travel to forbidden places. After another day, he was allowing her to do exactly the same thing. And so they carried on like that, their clothes in disarray, his trousers unbuttoned, her blouse half off. He pressed himself against her and into her in closets and empty rooms and unknown corridors far away from prying eyes. She was his soft rebellion, his gentle treasure, and every encounter they had made her all the more precious to him.

So what if she had taken his virginity, Sirius thought after they parted for the night yet again. Weren’t there greater things at stake? Wasn’t this a time for him to explore new things, to treat himself to what had been forbidden to him before? Didn’t he have a mind of his own? If he wanted to shag a Mudblood, wasn’t that his choice? It was his body, after all. His body, his choice.

“If you say that to Cecilia,” James told him the next morning as they walked together to Dumbledore’s office, “she’ll cut your nuts off and shove them up your arse.”

“Why?”

“Oh come on, Sirius! You don’t just use a girl like that! That’s not quite fair!”

“I’m not using her!” Sirius protested.

“So you’re in love with her? How long have you been shagging? Four days?”

“We work fast,” Sirius replied smoothly. “We’re very decisive.”

James laughed. “Sirius, you’re just fifteen years old! Come on! This is ME you’re talking to! I mean, I’ll be the first to admit that I get pretty close to that moment with a pretty young thing, but so far I’ve resisted.”

Sirius blushed lightly. “It’s just something I have to do, James. I can’t explain why.”

“I know why,” James replied. “Look, mate, I know you were raised with privilege and all, but you have to learn that you can’t just use people like that, no matter what.”

“Who’s to say that she’s not using me?” Sirius shot back. “She doesn’t know me any more than I know her!”

“Then put an end to it! Keep it in your pants at any rate before McGonagall or Dumbledore find out! You know you’re way too young for that sort of thing.”

“You sound like my cousin, Bella. She says I should stay celibate!”

James cuffed him on the arm. “She’s just jealous because you’re better looking than she.” They stood before the stone gargoyles, awaiting Dumbledore’s arrival. “Look, mate, just keep it moral, alright? I don’t think Hogwarts has a contingency plan for unwed mothers or teenaged fathers, even if it is the 1970’s.”

A red-faced Peter Pettigrew rounded the corner, huffing and puffing as he approached.

“Where’s Remus?” James asked.

“Doing Prefect stuff,” Pettigrew replied. “He don’t have to learn to be an Animagus.”

“He doesn’t have to,” James corrected him.

“Whatever,” Pettigrew said with a scowl.

* * * *

The spell was easy enough. The hard part was that it had to be done nonverbally and preferably without a wand. While James had strong abilities in nonverbal and wandless magic, Sirius did not. To everyone’s shock, Pettigrew did extremely well during the week’s worth of intense lessons with the Headmaster, quickly learning to become a rat and then, equally seamlessly, to transform back into himself. James nearly mastered transforming into a stag, but couldn’t quite master transforming back to himself. He couldn’t get rid of the antlers.

Sirius, on the other hand, struggled with both. In his first attempt, he turned into a giant dog with a human head, and when he tried to transform back into himself, he couldn’t get rid of the tail or the dog ears. Even after a full week of lessons and practice all day long, he still couldn’t do it on his own.

“It’s bloody impossible!” Sirius moaned as the four of them worked on their Animagus skills in Flitwick’s classroom. Remus looked on in amusement, laughing harder at each strange configuration Sirius found himself in. This time he had transformed successfully into a dog, albeit a very small one, but when he made the transformation back, he became his full self, only he was three feet high, with a dog’s wet nose.

“If you’d stop shagging your girlfriend so much, you’d be able to concentrate!” James said.

Remus and Pettigrew stopped and stared at Sirius, mouths agape. 

“You’ve got a girlfriend?” Remus asked, aghast.

“You had sex?” Pettigrew exclaimed.

“Who is it?” Remus queried. “Is she in Gryffindor?”

“Is it Lily Evans?” Pettigrew asked. James narrowed his eyes slightly at him.

“None of your business, boys,” Sirius replied grandly.

“What’s it like?” Pettigrew asked.

“You’ll never know!” James sniggered.

“Shut up, Potter! I will too!” Pettigrew said hotly.

“Well, if you count your right hand, then yeah,” James shot back. Everyone laughed, but Pettigrew glared at him.

“Right, Potter, and what’s all that moaning I hear from you under the sheets at night?” Pettigrew replied. “What are you exploring?”

“He’s just inspecting things, Pettigrew,” Sirius said. “He’s got to make certain he’s got the goods. You know, it’s not always apparent in some people.”

“Why do you think Potter has to wear spectacles?” Remus quipped. James socked him in the arm.

“So? What’s the girl’s name?” Pettigrew asked again.

“None of your business!” Sirius said loudly. “And if you try to use the map to find out, I’ll kick your arse!”

Even the last day of the term, as they all packed up their things and got ready to go, Pettigrew wouldn’t let up. Sirius used the map to avoid Pettigrew for two whole days, but now that all the boys had to get their things together, there was no more getting away from him.

“So is she pureblooded?” Pettigrew whispered in his ear as they put socks and other things into their trunks.

“Do you really think that I would stick my privates into anything less than a pureblood?” Sirius replied indignantly. “I do have my standards.”

Pettigrew sat back on his heels, chastened. “Well no, of course not. I expect your mother wouldn’t care for that.”

“Nor would any true pureblood,” Sirius said proudly. “This girl is very willing, very compliant and very...talented.” He raised an impish eyebrow, making Pettigrew giggle like a schoolgirl. “She does what a girl is supposed to do. She keeps me very satisfied. Say, Peter, this is between you and me, right? Not a word to anyone about this. Mother might approve of another pureblood, but I suspect she’d think I’m too young.”

“But you’re not!” Pettigrew replied, astonished by the suggestion. “Purebloods have a duty to propagate the race as soon as possible!”

“Is that what Lucius told you?”

“He gave me a book last summer, about blood hygiene. I’ve been reading it all year!”

“And what do you think of Lucius Malfoy’s reading choices?” Sirius asked dangerously.

Pettigrew blanched. “I...uh...well I...I think they’re...they’re great!”

Sirius smirked. “Hey, close this for me, right?” he said, pointing to the trunk. To his bemused shock, Pettigrew obeyed. Sirius worried about that, unsure what to make of this. At the same time, he was amazed that Pettigrew seemed not to have the least suspicion that Sirius might not be living up to his mother’s expectations.

Thankfully, no one in Slytherin asked Sirius about girlfriends or sex or Mudbloods or anything remotely related to Cecilia. He hoped this meant that for once, Pettigrew had finally kept his big mouth shut about important matters. Severus stared at him the entire way back, making Sirius worry all over again. Had Severus become a Legilimens? Did he know all of his secrets? Did he know about Cecilia? The reality of Occlumency hovered over Sirius, beckoning him to learn everything.

That would be easier said than done. Dumbledore offered to teach him Occlumency, however, he hadn’t exactly specified when or where this would happen. But maybe Dumbledore didn’t have to be the one to teach him. Maybe...just maybe the Dark Lord could! Sirius knew it would be a great risk to ask such a question, but on the other hand, the Dark Lord might see it as Sirius’ desire to do his will and to keep Albus Dumbledore out of his thoughts. Yes, that just might work.

He hoped so anyway.

* * * *

He hadn’t said good-bye to Cecilia. Sirius only remembered that as he got off the train at King’s Cross. James and Remus already knew that Sirius wasn’t allowed to say good-bye to them in public, however, he had neglected to discuss this situation with Cecilia. But with his parents and younger brother present on the platform, Sirius was no longer free to seek her out, apologise and kiss her good-bye. Thus, he’d just have to be a jerk and hope she’d forgive him in September.

Seeing his parents again, however, distracted him from any current girl trouble. He stiffened his spine, as he’d been taught all his life, standing proud and tall and ready to take on even the very worst the Dark Lord might demand of him. His mother’s rare smile confused him. Usually she was ready to lay into him with everything he’d done wrong and how disappointed she was in him. Why was she smiling? What had she heard?

“My dear,” she said sweetly, wrapping her arms briefly around Sirius.

“Mother,” Sirius replied politely. “You look well.”

“I’ve had a word with Professor Slughorn, you know,” she went on. “He tells me you are set to earn a very high Potions OWL next year.”

“I should hope so, Mother,” Sirius said. “As I promised, I’ve been working hard.”

“I am happy to see you’ve turned yourself around, my dear.”

As they rode back to Grimmauld Place, Sirius decided to ask the big question. “Mother, when will we receive another visit from the Dark Lord?”

“Next week. Why?”

“I wish to render my report of my progress with Potter,” Sirius said readily. “But I also have a personal request of him.”

Mrs. Black laughed lightly. “A request of the Dark Lord? My dear, he does not grant many requests.”

“He might grant mine. It’s for the good of the organisation!”

“And what might that be?” she asked dangerously.

“I prefer to keep that between myself and the Dark Lord, Mother,” Sirius replied. Regulus laughed.

“It’s not about that girl you’re shagging is it?” Regulus asked with a snort.

Sirius blanched in horror as his mother turned on him.

“What is this, Sirius?” she hissed. “What GIRL is this?”

Sirius glared at Regulus. “Did Snape tell you that?”

“Yeah. Said she’s an ugly-arse Mudblood!”

“You shut up!” Sirius shouted. “You don’t even know what you’re talking about!”

“Are you calling Severus a liar?” Mrs. Black asked.

“I’m calling him a snivelly, stupid, jealous little half-blood who doesn’t know his place, so he makes up stories and feeds them to dimwits like Regulus!”

“I am NOT a dimwit and Severus isn’t a half-blood!” Regulus shouted back.

“BOYS!!! Stop this at once!” Mrs. Black roared. “Sirius, while I understand the importance of propagating the race, you are too young for that right now. You will become a Death Eater in a year, and after that, you may have as many girls as you wish, so long as they are pureblooded.”

“I…”

“And as for you, Regulus, don’t you DARE spread vicious rumours like that again about your own brother! I am very disappointed in Severus right now.”

“You haven’t even met him yet, Mother!” Regulus pouted.

“Trust me, you don’t want to,” Sirius said waspishly. “Pompous git. Regulus, you should stay away from vermin like that.”

“Why? You hang around with that Pettigrew oaf!” Regulus pointed out.

“That is for practical purposes, you little twit,” Sirius shot back. “It’s not your place to question my dealings with Peter Pettigrew. The Dark Lord and Lucius Malfoy know precisely why I associate with him.”

“Boys! Enough!” Mrs. Black snapped.

It was one thing to bicker with his little brother, and quite something else to face the Dark Lord, especially with a rather controversial request. As always, the Black house was all in uproar as they made preparations for the Dark Lord’s upcoming visit. The entire house was cleaned from top to bottom, all boggarts expunged, all other pests driven from their hiding places and wiped out entirely. Kreacher, the lead House Elf, barked out orders to the other Elves, making sure the job was done to perfection. 

Regulus and Sirius were under strict orders to bathe, wear their very best robes and to be sure they didn’t smell like teenaged boys. They washed behind their ears, scrubbed under their fingernails, used sweet-smelling shampoo and their father’s cologne. Mrs. Black scolded them both for their poor posture, reminding them to stand tall and proud members of the great and glorious Black family.

“You really are both exquisite specimens,” she noted, looking into both her sons’ handsome faces. “You will create extraordinarily beautiful pureblooded children one day.” Giving Sirius an extra glare, she added, “one day in future. Not quite yet, however.”

“Yes, Mother,” Sirius said robotically. His ears turned slightly pink.

“Of course, Mother,” Regulus echoed impishly. She poked his nose and returned to the kitchen to bark out more orders to an already overworked Kreacher.

It came to Sirius’ great surprise later on, that Regulus couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off of Lucius Malfoy that evening at dinner. Sirius had heard vague rumours about Lucius and his various exploits with all sorts, regardless of gender, so seeing his own brother seemingly entranced by Malfoy troubled him. Sirius wouldn’t have minded if Regulus had entangled himself with a wizard, if that’s what he wanted, but not with Lucius. Regulus was far too young for any wizard, and especially for a notorious wolf like Malfoy.

Of course, it could have been the force of Lucius’ rather extravagant personality that drew Regulus’ attention. After all, even Sirius couldn’t deny the power that Lucius held, despite his young age and relative inexperience in the world. Yet Lucius always seemed so in command, so completely sure of every aspect of himself. He carried himself with such strength, such arrogance and authority, intimidating and impressing wizards three times his age. Why shouldn’t Regulus give him a second look, as a role model, a potential mentor, a goal of sorts?

The evening air crackled with eager excitement of the Dark Lord’s impending arrival. Sirius could detect it in everyone around him, though it made him wonder just a little why this particular visit was so highly anticipated. He’d visited before, many times, almost monthly, yet tonight, Sirius noted an extra note of intensity in his parents, something that troubled him now that he had so many deep secrets to keep. 

He grew quickly doubtful of his scheme to ask for the Dark Lord’s tutelage in Occlumency, suddenly realising that the whole thing could go terribly wrong if he made even the slightest miscalculation. What if he couldn’t adequately suppress his true thoughts in the midst of training? What if he blew everything, put himself and Remus and even James into mortal danger? How could he live with himself.

Before Sirius could tamp down those treacherous thoughts, the door to the dining room opened...


	15. Beneath the Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Dark Lord turned to face Sirius, a mild smirk on his ugly, distorted face. _Not Cecilia,_ Sirius thought, madly searching for a new name, a new face for her. _Amber. Yes, that’s who she is,_ he now thought. Looking into the Dark Lord’s red, snakelike eyes, Sirius put on his guiltiest expression, thinking at the front of his mind, _Don’t let him know about Amber. Don’t let him know about the Half-blood Amber._ In desperation, Sirius thought of a girl with dark brown, straight hair, tall with olive skin and brown, almond eyes. Was she even real? He didn’t know and he didn’t care, as long as...but no, he thought it best not to think of her name or her face, just in case. He pushed Cecilia to the back of his mind, tucking her into a safe corner just behind his Quidditch bet with Pettigrew.

Alone with the Dark Lord was something that always made Sirius Black nervous. It wasn’t just the man’s strange appearance and that faint, odd smell that emanated from him. Not unlike Professor Dumbledore, Sirius always got the feeling that the Dark Lord sort of knew things about him, could look beneath the surface, delving into whatever he might be feeling or thinking at the moment. Sirius supposed that was Legilimency, and perhaps because of that, he always made sure never to look the Dark Lord quite in the eye.

He never quite entered a room, at least not in the usual way. Sirius often felt as if the Dark Lord were sort of hovering spiritually in some dark niche, taking everything in, interpreting each minute gesture and facial tic before emerging from the shadows to resume total control. He wondered how the Dark Lord managed it, to remain so elusive yet so potent in his proximity to people’s minds and hearts. Sirius thought the Dark Lord must have left pieces of himself, perhaps his own soul, in various places around the wizarding world as if to extend his presence or his life force.

The room fell silent upon the Dark Lord’s entrance, as if the Holy of Holies had been exposed for all to see and worship. Mrs. Black silently set down her teaspoon and stood before him, her head bowed reverentially. When he took her hands in his, she shivered slightly, her face aglow with new life. Sirius felt a pain in his stomach suddenly, and when the Dark Lord threw him a quick, intrusive glance before turning his attention to Abraxas Malfoy, Sirius flinched.

“You are most welcome once again, my Lord,” she gushed. 

With a gentle, dismissive wave of his hand, she stepped back and let him pass through the lines of his devotees, who all inclined their heads towards him in reverence. Sirius found himself bowing his head along with the others, but as the Dark Lord drew near, Sirius lifted his eyes, trying to ascertain whether he really should make his request.

No, he concluded. It would be wrong. It would be too risky. Stupid idea, really. He’d find some excuse to get out of the house, maybe on the pretext of seeing Pettigrew, and then somehow get to Dumbledore before the summer was up. Yes, that would work just fine. Better to learn Occlumency from someone who didn’t look like a snake.

Without realising, the Dark Lord threw him a vicious look, but in the very next second, he looked upon Sirius as a gentle father. Sirius gulped. What became paramount to him in that moment was to keep Cecilia safe from him. What would he do if the Dark Lord found out that Sirius had...done it...with a Mudblood? No, that could be disastrous for both of them.

The Dark Lord turned to face Sirius, a mild smirk on his ugly, distorted face. _Not Cecilia,_ Sirius thought, madly searching for a new name, a new face for her. _Amber. Yes, that’s who she is,_ he now thought. Looking into the Dark Lord’s red, snakelike eyes, Sirius put on his guiltiest expression, thinking at the front of his mind, _Don’t let him know about Amber. Don’t let him know about the Half-blood Amber._ In desperation, Sirius thought of a girl with dark brown, straight hair, tall with olive skin and brown, almond eyes. Was she even real? He didn’t know and he didn’t care, as long as...but no, he thought it best not to think of her name or her face, just in case. He pushed Cecilia to the back of his mind, tucking her into a safe corner just behind his Quidditch bet with Pettigrew.

“And how is your quest, Sirius?” the Dark Lord asked.

“Fine, sir,” Sirius replied coolly, making sure not to seem nervous. He put his trembling hands behind his back. “I’m now in the final stages of the process, now that Potter trusts me entirely.”

“That is good. And how shall you go about this next stage?”

“I have another pureblooded friend who’s been helping me. Of course, he doesn’t realise it. Peter Pettigrew is a bit thick but he does have his uses.” Sirius ignored an audible grunt from Lucius.

The Dark Lord looked once again into Sirius’ eyes, and this time, he did not turn his glance away. Knowing that Cecilia was safe where she was, Sirius kept his feigned fears for the fictional Amber at the front of his thoughts. The Dark Lord smirked again, wickedly this time. Sirius sighed with relief as his father approached to take the Dark Lord’s arm and lead him to the head of the table.

The Dark Lord sat grandly, accepting the glass of chilled, elf-made wine, which he only sipped minimally. Fixing his eyes now on Regulus, the Dark Lord scratched his chin and furrowed his brow. “I hear your youngest son is making the family proud, my dear Walburga.”

She smiled warmly, a rare occurrence in the Black home. “Indeed he is, my Lord. Our Regulus will be ready for you as soon as he’s sixteen, isn’t that so, my dear?”

Regulus, whose attention had been distracted once again by Lucius, snapped to attention. “Oh, yes Mother! I’m ready now if the Dark Lord would take me!”

The Dark Lord chuckled at that. “I think we might just wait at least until your balls have dropped, don’t you agree, Regulus?”

The table exploded in laughter, though Regulus turned seven shades of red.

“That might take a while, sir!” Sirius crowed. “Then again, maybe Lucius can help!”

Lucius sat up straight, masking his deep offence. “If by that you mean I can teach him to become a man, Sirius, then yes, I’d say I’m far more qualified than yourself.”

“I think we can dispense with the proverbial wand-waving, gentlemen,” Mrs. Black said, sounding tired and irritated.

“Just so,” the Dark Lord replied smoothly, now narrowing his eyes at Sirius once again. “Young Sirius, your mother tells me that you have a request of me? Is that so?”

Drat. “Oh...uh...I uh...no, sir, I don’t,” Sirius stammered.

Mrs. Black looked furious. “You said only a few days ago that you had a request for the Dark Lord!” she snapped. “How dare you…”

“Now now Walburga,” he replied. “The boy can’t help it if he can’t make up his mind. After all, he’s a mere child. But that will come to an end next year, will it not, Sirius?”

“Yes, sir,” Sirius breathed, his heart pounding.

“Because by then, you will join our ranks and become one of ours forever, correct?”

“Of course, sir.”

“And then you will know how to make up your mind, correct?”

“Naturally, sir.”

“And you will stop protecting Mudbloods?”

Sirius paused, his mouth agape. “Sir?”

“It’s a simple question. Once you receive the Mark, you will do only what is right and good for the good of wizardkind, correct?”

“Yes, sir.” His stomach burned and churned.

* * * *

The next few days were like a blur to Sirius, as he and Regulus started to spend more time studying books from the Dark Lord’s required reading list and less time playing at Quidditch or wrestling each other. Sirius admired his brother’s zest for all this new material--books on blood status, the hygienic approach to the wizarding community, the rounding up of all undesirables and of course, ways of subduing the muggle world. Sirius thought of Lily’s parents. He thought of Cecilia’s priest father and philanthropist mother, too.

They were not to talk but rather, to read, to take notes, to answer questions and never to contradict Mrs. Black when it came to such important and lofty ideas. Sirius started to feel like he was being interrogated very afternoon when his mother and Bellatrix would invade his privacy to quiz him on his daily readings. He started to wonder what fun James was having. He also worried a little about Remus, especially on the night of the full moon.

_...allowing them to breed, even if they be intellectually gifted, can never be acceptable or permissible. The Mudblood uses magic that does not belong to him by rights, and for him to mingle his filthy blood with pure magical blood or even with half-bloods only serves to diminish what it truly means to be a witch or wizard. Yet to kill the Mudblood outright might be a mistake. If they have a strong back and a minimal appetite, they can certainly be given menial tasks so that proper wizards may go about their day burdened with the more important business of our times._

_Sadly, some amongst the pureblooded ranks have defied these standards, and have unfortunately bred more of these undesirables. These blood-traitors need to be dealt with carefully, not rashly. Perhaps they are ignorant or are too influenced by the surrounding muggle society. Once it is determined how they came to hold these aberrant views, pureblooded witches and wizards can better deal with them. The institution of reeducation camps has worked in the past, and should be revived for our dangerous times. If, however, the blood-traitor is unresponsive to intervention and reeducation, they should be declared anathema and purged from our society..._

Sirius set his book down and rubbed his eyes. Would someone like James Potter really agree to go to reeducation camp? Would he honestly ever change his views? The more that Sirius read, the more he realised that he was fooling himself. No jewel from Lucius Malfoy would ever work to change James, and in truth, Sirius concluded, he didn’t really want James to change. He’d just have to find another excuse for the Dark Lord, another lie.

The following morning, a sunny July day, Sirius awoke to a loud banging on his door. He groaned and threw a pillow at the door.

“Go away!” he grumbled.

“Open up, Sirius!” Regulus replied. He sounded excited. Regulus always sounded excited.

Sirius opened the door with a flick of his wand. Regulus bounded in and jumped on his bed, nearly stomping on Sirius’ leg.

“Watch it, brat!” Sirius snapped.

“Did you hear? A student got killed! Her whole stupid muggle family got killed!” Regulus grinned and jumped for joy, but when he accidentally tumbled to the floor, Sirius didn’t reach out to help him up.

“What student?” Sirius asked. He immediately thought of Lily and her muggle family. His heart pounded in his chest, and he started to feel a little lightheaded.

Regulus shrugged. “Like I said. Some Mudblood.” He resumed jumping on Sirius’ bed.

“Get off my bed, creep! A student died and you’re jumping about?”

Regulus laughed and rolled onto his back, next to Sirius. “Oh come on! She was a filthy Mudblood! Who the heck cares if she died or not?”

“Well who is she?”

“Dunno. Mother has the newspaper. She just told me about it at breakfast. I guess the whole story is really funny, cause she and Father were laughing the whole time. Anyway, she wanted you to know.”

Sirius furrowed his brow. “Why did she want me to know?”

Regulus nudged Sirius bare foot with his own. “Because it’s a victory for us, for purebloods! It’s one less Mudblood to stink up our air!”

Sirius found he couldn’t conceal his distress over this news. He knew he should have looked happy, even relieved at the news. Every bone in his body told him that this was a good thing, that the wizarding world had been thankfully cleansed of filth. All his logic and years of careful training directed him towards that glorious path...so why did he suddenly feel sick to his stomach? Sirius knew why, but the thought of admitting it made him even sicker. More than anything, he wanted to send an owl to Lily, just to make sure she was alright. He hoped.

Downstairs, still in his nightshirt, Sirius found his parents in the morning room, finishing their coffee and breakfast. He took a plate from the sideboard and filled it with fresh eggs, tomatoes, bacon and some heavily buttered toast. Pouring some juice for himself, he took a seat at his father’s left, digging into his breakfast without a word.

“You’re quiet this morning, son,” Mr. Black observed as he watched Sirius shoveling his breakfast rather noisily.

“You’ll get more than Mudblood dates if you’d stop eating like a pig, my dear,” Mrs. Black said icily.

Sirius sat up straight and wiped his mouth with his napkin. “Sorry,” he said. “I was starving.”

“If you wouldn’t get up so late, you wouldn’t be so hungry,” she replied.

“I’m fifteen, Mother! I’m always hungry!” Sirius decided not to bring up the news story, though he ached to know.

Mrs. Black riffled through the newspaper for a few minutes, then turned back to the front page, laughing again. “I suppose Regulus told you of your fellow student who passed?”

“Some Mudblood, he said,” Sirius replied. “He didn’t give a name.”

“He wouldn’t have known the name anyway,” she said. “The girl was in your year, your house, too.”

Sirius shuddered, knowing the name she was about to tell him. “A Gryffindor Mudblood?” he asked, fighting to mask the tremor in voice. He failed miserably.

“Yes, the father of the family was some sort of Christian preacher or something. The mother was some useless lump of muggle flesh. The girl, Cecilia, well, she was quite pretty, I must say, even for a filthy Mudblood.”

Sirius’ blood ran cold. He suddenly found it nearly impossible to breathe properly. “Cecilia?” he stammered. “How…”

“The Killing Curse, of course,” Mrs. Black replied casually. “Bella isn’t usually so merciful, but knowing how much this girl meant to you, she decided to be nice for a change.”

“Bella? Bella did it?” Sirius roared.

Mrs. Black chuckled. “My dear, if you think you can hide some disgusting tryst from the Dark Lord, you are sorely mistaken. He saw beneath your little lie to him and he made sure to correct the situation.”

“No,” Sirius said adamantly. “This is IMPOSSIBLE! He had no right!”

In a flash of fury, she smashed him across the face. “No right? No right? How dare you say that, Sirius Black!”

“I have every right to say that, Mother!” Sirius fired back. “She was completely innocent! Her father is a priest, for crying out loud! They were good people!”

“Leave this table at once!” she shrieked.

Indignant and heartbroken, Sirius jumped up. “Fine. I’ll leave this house, too!” With that, he stormed out of the morning room, heading to the front door. Mrs. Black chased him down, her wand pointed right at him.

“You go anywhere, Sirius Black, and you will not be welcome back!” she barked.

Sirius turned to face her, his own wand out. “Fine. Then I won’t come back!”


	16. Homeless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He didn’t know what to do, where to go, who to speak to. All Sirius could do the moment he stopped running down the street and into Hyde Park, was to crumple to his knees, wailing pitifully, blaming himself, hating the Dark Lord for the first time. A surge of terror flooded his mind and heart just then--Sirius had never felt such deep hatred before, and especially not for the man his mother held up as a moral and spiritual icon._
> 
> _Who was he any more?_

He didn’t know what to do, where to go, who to speak to. All Sirius could do the moment he stopped running down the street and into Hyde Park, was to crumple to his knees, wailing pitifully, blaming himself, hating the Dark Lord for the first time. A surge of terror flooded his mind and heart just then--Sirius had never felt such deep hatred before, and especially not for the man his mother held up as a moral and spiritual icon.

Who was he any more?

After a few minutes, Sirius managed to get a hold of his raging emotions, drying his face with the sleeve of his...nightshirt. He groaned pitifully, realising suddenly how stupid he must look, crying like a pathetic muggle, dressed up like a ponce in a nightdress. At least he had his wand.

Unfortunately, Sirius hadn’t learned to apparate, leaving him with the uncomfortable task of somehow walking through the streets of London, all the way to Diagon Alley, where he could possibly use the Floo Network and get to James’ house. That is, if the Potters were connected to the Floo Network. Sirius despaired. But Cecilia--his heart felt like stone weighing him down, chilling him to the marrow. Why didn’t he bother to say good-bye to her? Why had he allowed his desire to be a good little bigot overrule his basic humanity and decency?

Who was Sirius Black?

He was done with making excuses. He was done with double-dealing and spying and playing both sides of the fence. Where did all that get him in the end? Where did it get Cecilia? She was dead and he was homeless. What had it done to his friendships, other than to create an unwelcome barrier against someone he truly liked, even loved as a brother? So long as he held onto these views, so long as he remained a true son of the Blacks, Sirius understood that he could never have a real friend in the world. So long as politics ruled every relationship he had, all he could ever have were allies or cronies or minions--but not friends.

Sirius stood in the centre of Charing Cross Road, barefoot and a little chilly, feeling the morning breeze graze his cheek. Someone tittered at his expense, bringing Sirius back to life. It was time to go, time to move on.

But how would he get his stuff? How would he get his trunk, his robes, his books, all his belongings? Where would he get some proper clothes to wear so he could get out of his nightshirt?

Sirius could only hope he’d run into someone he knew at the Leaky Cauldron or in Diagon Alley, but when he first walked into the tavern, he saw no familiar faces. No, that was wrong. Sirius did spot Cassius’ parents sitting in a far corner, reading the newspaper and laughing, no doubt about Cecilia’s murder. His heart ached all over again, and he ignored their friendly thumbs-up. Sirius marched out of the Leaky Cauldron, tapping the stone wall to be admitted to Diagon Alley.

As it was early morning, no one much was about. A few shoppers going to the news agents or to the apothecary shop. A small family rushed out of Gringotts, heading in the direction of Flourish and Blott’s. And then…

“Nice outfit, Black!”

A slightly embarrassed Sirius whipped around, his tired, puffy eyes meeting with the sparkling green eyes of Lily Evans. Her face went from delighted to concerned the moment she sized him up.

“My gods! Sirius!” she exclaimed, reaching out to give his arm a squeeze. “What happened? Why are you...in your nightshirt?”

“You didn’t hear the news?”

“No. I was just heading to the news agents. What happened?”

“Cecilia...she’s...she’s dead.” He could barely raise his voice above a ragged whisper.

Lily blanched. “Wait...what? Cecilia?”

“It’s all my fault, Lily,” Sirius mourned.

She threw her arms around him and held him close. “Oh honey, I’m so sorry,” she said in his ear. “But how can this be your fault?”

“My stupid family, that’s how!” he spat. “The Dark Lord found out about us and he...he had her killed! If only I’d been more careful! I’m so stupid, Lily!”

She took him by the arm and ushered him to a little table outside Fortescue’s ice cream shop. Conjuring a handkerchief, Lily thrust it under Sirius’ nose, which he accepted gratefully. He blew his nose and struggled to get himself under control once again, but it was nearly impossible. As each moment passed, his resentment and scorn and fury rose to dangerous heights, and now, here he was in the presence of a Mudbl...Muggle-born, pouring his heart out to her. The irony made him only angrier.

“I don’t know what to do any more,” he confessed. “I don’t want to go home. My mother will be completely unforgiving.”

“Do you want to be forgiven?” Lily asked.

Sirius sighed. “I don’t know. I do but I don’t. The only way they’ll take me back is if I follow their beliefs like always only...I can’t do that any more. Not after what they did to Cecilia and her parents.”

She smiled. “Say, I’ve got a bit of money. How about if I take you shopping so you can get out of that ridiculous nightshirt?”

* * * *

The new robes were perfect. A beautiful shade of blue, a stark contrast to his pale skin--he initially tried on a set of green robes, but he couldn’t bring himself to take those. Too many painful associations.

“I’ll pay you back, Evans,” Sirius told her as they walked back towards the Leaky Cauldron together, arm in arm.

“It’s not a problem, Sirius,” Lily replied. “What are friends for? Say, if you need a place to stay for a while, we have a spare room. My parents would be more than happy to put you up for a little while.”

Instinctively, Sirius reacted negatively. He’d never been inside a muggle dwelling in his life, nor did he ever wish to. The smells, the contagion, the...no, that wasn’t right. That was his mother doing the thinking for him again.

“Are you sure that would be alright?” he asked.

“The only other wizard they know is Severus, and...well...you know.”

“Do you really like him?”

Lily shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, he’s different when he’s not at school. When it’s just me and him he’s much more relaxed. He laughs a lot more when it’s just us.”

Sirius scowled. “I didn’t know the prat had the ability.”

“Why don’t you like him? I thought you two were friends.”

“We are...sort of. It’s just, he’s...weird, you know? He’s like a stalker or something! I used to think maybe he was queer or something, like maybe he had a thing for James or me, but I don’t think it’s that.”

“Lots of people have a thing for you and James,” Lily replied with a laugh. “He’s the cleverest boy at school and you’re the cutest.”

Sirius blushed. “Oh come on, Evans! You’re laying it on a bit thick, aren’t you?”

“Why do you think Cecilia was attracted to you?”

He wanted to weep all over again, but Sirius was so emotionally exhausted by then, he had no more energy for it. “Let’s not talk about Cecilia today. I feel horrible enough.”

“Sorry.”

At half two, the Evans came to pick up Lily, and when they saw Sirius with their daughter, they welcomed him heartily. And when Lily tactfully explained why Sirius needed a place to stay for a few days, Mrs. Evans gave him a big hug. Initially, he wanted to flinch away from her, knowing what she was. Sirius had never touched a muggle before, and until then, he never wanted to. But now, with everything that had happened, Sirius decided it was time for him to overcome his fears. Her hug was nice, warm, maternal. She smelled like lemons.

Mrs. Black didn’t like hugs. She would always say that too many hugs turned a man into a queer little girl, and she wasn’t about to allow her own sons to go down that path.

The Evans home was larger than Sirius expected, and as he looked at all the embellishments all around the cozy place, he could tell that Mr. Evans made a fair amount of money at whatever job he held. He wondered at all the muggle contraptions, those things Lily called “lamps” and “the telly” and “the cooker.” They did have a fireplace, but it was quite small, nothing that one could use with the Floo Network. After Lily gave Sirius a short tour of the house, she got on something called “the telephone” to communicate with someone.

About ten minutes later, the doorbell rang, and in bounded a very concerned James Potter. He rushed to Sirius and gave him a tight embrace, then a polite little hug to Lily. After giving a quick wave to Mr. and Mrs. Evans, he sat on the sofa next to Sirius.

“Crystal told me you were here,” he said breathlessly. “She’s got a telephone.”

“She live near you?” Sirius asked, still wondering how he got there so fast.

“She’s seventeen. She apparated me here.” He adjusted his spectacles, searching Sirius’ troubled features. “You okay, mate?”

Sirius shook his head. “No. I’m a bloody mess. I ran off.”

James eyes bugged out wide. “What? You ran off? Why?”

“I can’t stay there any more, James! Too much has happened! They hurt me too much!”

“Look, man, I know this is going to sound a bit daft, but I really think you should try to work things out with them.”

“They won’t change, James! Don’t you get it?” 

“I know that, but maybe you can sort of compromise.”

Sirius laughed derisively. “Compromise? My mother? You’re barking, Potter. The last time my mother ever compromised was when she decided to Crucio someone rather than do the Killing Curse on them.”

“What about Regulus?” James asked.

“Regulus is a big boy now,” Sirius replied. “I can’t make choices for him.”

“No, but he still needs you. He needs his big brother,” James pointed out.

He had a point, but…

James scowled. “Listen, Evans,” he started. “I think Black should come and stay with me.”

“Why? He’s fine here.”

“Yeah, but you’re a witch and he’s a wizard and…”

Lily laughed. “Oh, and you think we’re going to start going at it or something?” The comment made Sirius gasp. Lily certainly had a way of getting straight to the point.

“No!” James retorted. “But it’s not proper for a wizard to stay in a witch’s house like this!”

“Are you serious?” she asked scornfully. “Oh, James, get out of the Middle Ages! Haven’t you heard of something called the twentieth century?”

This was unbelievable to Sirius! In the space of just a few minutes, he went from having nowhere to go to having two places to go. He was beyond words.

“Look, I know you guys both mean well, but you're sort of putting me in a weird place,” he said.

Both James and Lily looked away.

“Hey,” Lily said, breaking the awkward silence, “maybe James is right. Maybe it is more...proper for you to stay with him.” But there was a tinge of sadness in her voice.

Sirius felt like a heel. Actually, it would have been sort of nice to stay with Lily and her parents, but at the same time, Sirius admitted that he needed James just a little more in that moment. It wasn’t so much that James was another wizard, but more specifically, that Lily was a very pretty, very friendly, lovely, sweet-smelling witch who seemed to want nothing other than to give him comfort and be a dear friend to him. Dare he dream for more?

* * * *

“The first thing we’ll do, son, is get you to Gringotts,” Mr. Potter said that evening after dinner. The House Elf had just cleared away the last of the dishes, and now brought out a bottle of brandy and three snifters. Mr. Potter poured out a little brandy for the boys and a lot of brandy for himself.

“I guess you’re right,” Sirius replied. The brandy smelled strong. It made his eyes water just a bit. “I should pay back Evans for these clothes and get a few more.”

Mr. Potter nodded. “Well that for starters, but what’s more important is that you secure your vault against anyone else. Death Eaters have no qualms about taking what isn’t theirs.”

“I don’t care if they do take it,” Sirius declared. “I’d rather be poor than accept one knut from them!”

Mr. Potter chuckled. Sirius suddenly noticed just how much James looked like his father, right down to the slightly mussed hair and the spectacles on his blue eyes.

“You have a right to whatever money they’ve put away for you, Sirius,” Mr. Potter pointed out. “Once your anger abates, you still have to live your life, and life can get very expensive. That money is yours.”

Sirius understood, even if he didn’t want to. He wanted to hold onto his righteous indignation for as long as he could. At that point, his moral outrage was all he had. If he couldn’t stay indignant for himself, he could for Cecilia and Lily and even for Regulus.

Regulus. Sirius started to wonder whether James had a point about his brother. After all, Regulus was still very young, not yet fourteen. And then there was the Lucius factor in all this. Sirius suspected something other than a paternal attachment on the part of Lucius towards Regulus. Sirius turned over in his bed and sighed.

He had to go home.


	17. Reconciliation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sirius couldn’t stop thinking he was making a colossal mistake by doing this. It was such a final gesture, and one that would infuriate his parents and the Dark Lord. They might even kill him over this. On the other hand, he also knew that Mr. Potter was right--if they didn’t move the inheritance right away, Sirius would be penniless within a very short amount of time._

Sirius and Mr. Potter wasted no time the next morning. The moment Sirius woke up from a troubled sleep, Mr. Potter got a massive breakfast into him and shuttled him right out the door. They disapparated together, going directly to Diagon Alley, making their way straight to Gringotts.

“But I don’t have my key,” Sirius announced.

“Don’t worry about that, Sirius,” Mr. Potter replied. “I will vouch for your identity.”

Sirius worried about that. The Gringotts goblins weren’t always so easily persuaded to open a vault to a keyless client. He had to hope that Mr. Potter knew what he was doing. Thankfully, after a brief but slightly painful interrogation, the goblin in charge decided that Sirius was who he claimed to be--Sirius was sure he detected a slight amount of fear in the goblin’s eyes, as if he thought twice about denying a Black.

To Sirius’ great relief, the vault was still stuffed with gold and treasure, tokens of...was it love?...bestowed on him by his parents over the years. Sirius wondered why they hadn’t collected the stuff by then. Maybe they wanted him to come home, despite everything. He started to feel guilty all over again.

“Now then,” Mr. Potter said to the goblin, “Mr. Black wishes to place protections on this vault so that no one other than himself may access its contents.”

“He’s underaged and unqualified,” the goblin pointed out.

“He is living on his own, in fact,” Mr. Potter replied firmly. “He has broken with his family and has asserted his independence.”

The goblin gave Sirius an astonished look, slightly baring his sharp teeth. Sirius gulped.

“Is this true, Mr. Black?” the goblin asked. “Have you broken with the most noble house of Black?”

Had he? Of course so! But what about Regulus? No! He had to hang onto his decision!

“Yes, I have. I am on my own entirely,” Sirius replied. “If I don’t protect my vault, I may wind up on the streets.”

The goblin didn’t look too impressed, nor too sympathetic. At the same time, he wasn’t saying no, either.

“Technically, this vault belongs to the Black family. Therefore, I am not empowered to place protections that would keep them out. However,” he went on, “I do have the power to open a new vault in the name of a wizard who is living without family. And as such, he may take that which was lawfully given to him and place it in that vault. Would this be a better arrangement?”

Mr. Potter beamed. “That sounds perfect. Mr. Black, is that amenable to you?”

“Oh yes, absolutely.”

“And Mr. Black will be given a key, correct?” Mr. Potter asked.

“Today, in fact,” the goblin replied. “If you gentlemen will wait in the lobby, I can have this taken care of straightaway. I will place a binding charm on the treasure, then open a new vault and then send the bound treasure to that vault. It should take about twenty minutes.”

“Excellent!” Mr. Potter said.

As they waited in the lobby, Sirius couldn’t stop thinking he was making a colossal mistake by doing this. It was such a final gesture, and one that would infuriate his parents and the Dark Lord. They might even kill him over this. On the other hand, he also knew that Mr. Potter was right--if they didn’t move the inheritance right away, Sirius would be penniless within a very short amount of time.

With the treasure safely moved into a brand new vault, Sirius placed the key on a chain and put it around his neck, taking extra care to keep track of it. He also made sure to fill a rather large blue bag with gold, knowing he’d need quite a lot of money to get him through the rest of the summer. He would also need money for school, books, robes...tuition.

He wasn’t expecting to run into Regulus at the mouth of Knockturn Alley. Regulus nearly ignored Sirius, attempted to walk right past him, likely heading to the Rack and Noose to meet up with some dark wizard or Severus Snape or Cassius Avery. He paused, stepped forward, paused again, then finally turned to face Sirius. Regulus’ scowl on his handsome features told Sirius that he had deeply hurt his brother.

“You had some nerve, running off like you did!” Regulus seethed.

“I had every right, Regulus!” Sirius shot back.

“No you didn’t! You left me! You left me alone and you know that I don’t like being alone like that!”

Fearing his brother might actually cry in public, Sirius approached him cautiously. “Listen, Regulus, I’m sorry, alright? I just couldn’t take it any more! They’re responsible for killing a totally innocent person! I can’t live with that! You have to understand that, Reg!”

“I can’t handle Mother on my own! Come on, Sirius! She’s always coming down on me for nothing, like I’m going to be a Death Eater tomorrow or something!”

Sirius took Regulus by the arm, steering him towards a little corner. He spoke to him now in hushed tones. “Look, Regulus, you know you don’t have to be a Death Eater at all, right?”

Regulus looked affronted. “What are you talking about? That’s madness! That’s treason!” he shouted.

“It’s not treason! It’s your life and your future, Regulus, and if you’re so damn afraid of Mother and the Dark Lord, then do something else!”

“No!”

“Regulus!”

“Stop it, Sirius!” But then Regulus’ features softened, and for a moment, yet again, Sirius thought Regulus might burst into tears. “Come on. Come home. Please. For me?”

“I can’t.”

“I miss you. Don’t you miss me?”

“Of course I do!”

“Then come home! Please, Sirius, I...I’m begging you!” He rubbed his eyes, turning away. “I need you.”

Sirius sighed. “I...I don’t know, Regulus. Can you give me a day or two?”

Regulus threw his arms around Sirius for a few seconds, sniffling loudly. “Don’t leave me, Sirius.”

* * * *

“You’re not fooled by this, are you?” James asked an ashen Sirius a while later, back at the Potter’s house.

“He’s my brother, James! And it’s true, I mean, he is pretty weak around our mother. Maybe if I’m there I can sort of work on him, you know, get him on our side.”

James widened his eyes at that. “OUR side?”

Sirius blushed. He stared intently at his shoelaces, avoiding real eye contact. “Yeah,” he said softly. “Look, Regulus looks up to me and…”

“He also looks up to Severus Snape and Lucius Malfoy,” James reminded him.

“Maybe that’s all the reason more why I should be there for him, to protect him from them.”

“But what if they pull you back?” James asked.

“They killed Cecilia. They’re dead to me. But my brother is innocent, and he’s in real danger the longer he’s exposed to them.”

“But Sirius, be real,” James pleaded. “You know your mother won’t let you back as long as she thinks you’re a blood-traitor.”

“Then I’ll lie to her, pretend to conform.”

“She’ll never believe you.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Just leave her to me. I’ll be fine.”

He carried that confident attitude with him all the way back to London, down the streets, through the park and right up to the threshold of 12 Grimmauld Place. And then he stopped, his hand on the doorknob, suddenly feeling an icy chill tear through his whole body. Sirius shuddered, hoping he had made the right choice. It was hard for him to leave the Potters, and the more James pleaded for him to stay, the worse Sirius felt. Was he a bad friend for leaving or was he a good brother? He couldn’t seem to reconcile the two sides, despite his best efforts.

Thankfully, only Regulus and Kreacher were home when he arrived, bag in hand, secret Gringotts key still kept safely under his robes.

Out of nowhere, Regulus burst into the foyer, nearly knocking Sirius over as he jumped gleefully into his arms.

“You’re back!” Regulus cried. “I’m so relieved! You came back!”

Sirius laughed as he pulled Regulus into a headlock, wrenching him down to the floor. Before long, the two brothers were screeching riotously as they wrestled and slammed each other about for a few minutes. A sour-faced Kreacher broke up the little reunion.

“Master Sirius has retuned, I see,” he said. “Master Sirius shall face the wrath of my mistress. Oh, my mistress will be most grieved to see the blood-traitor son dragging himself back for forgiveness, oh yes.”

“Oh shut it, Kreacher!” Sirius spat. He picked up his small bag of new belongings and tore up the stairs, with Regulus following close behind.

Regulus threw himself on Sirius’ bed and stretched himself out like a cat. “You know, Kreacher has a point,” he said.

Sirius frowned. “You’re the one who wanted me back, Regulus! You had better stand up for me!”

“She’ll forgive you.”

“Right. If I go back to reading that shit she’s been giving to us.”

“It’s not shit! It’s truth!”

“It’s bollocks, Regulus! Blood-hygiene? Are you kidding?”

“You didn’t think it was bollocks before.”

“Yeah, well I’ve wised up these last few weeks, haven’t I?”

“You’ve been hanging around the blood-traitor too much.”

“What of it? Maybe that’s what I am, too!” Sirius shouted.

“Don’t say that!” Regulus retorted, horrified. “You don’t mean it!”

Sirius folded his arms with a grunt. He sighed. “Look, Regulus, I’m sorry. I want to be here for you, but that’s it. I can’t go back to believing all that stuff of Mother’s. I just can’t.”

Regulus pursed his lips, his mind lost in thought. “Can’t you just pretend? For me?”

Sirius hesitated. “I...I’ll try, alright. No guarantees, though, alright?”

* * * *

Walburga Black was none too pleased to see her truant, treacherous son back in her pureblooded house. She knew it before she returned, of course, thanks to a frantic message from Kreacher, who told his mistress every last detail, including the conversation he overheard between the brothers. Thus, the moment Mrs. Black stormed in the house that evening, she used a Sonorous charm that rattled the whole house.

“SIRIUS BLACK, YOU GET YOUR TREACHEROUS ARSE DOWN HERE THIS INSTANT!!!” The china shook. The crystal chandeliers trembled. Dogs outside howled in protest.

After a few uneasy seconds, the door to Sirius’ bedroom opened, and silently, shakily, Sirius emerged, with Regulus trailing him at a safe distance.

“Hello, Mother,” Sirius said at the top of the stairs.

She smiled wickedly. “Come down here, Sirius.” Her voice was saccharine, murderous.

With a little trepidation and a little shove from Regulus, Sirius descended the stairs, staring straight into his mother’s hard glare. “Yes, Mother?”

“What are you doing here?” she demanded.

“I’ve decided to come home.”

“Oh really?” she laughed disdainfully. “And what makes you think that you are still welcome here?”

Sirius cast his eyes down, not wanting to look at her angry face any longer. “Regulus helped me realise the mistake I made in leaving like that. I was out of line, Mother, and I’m ready to amend my ways for the sake of the family.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “Are you? How’s Potter?”

“Fine,” Sirius replied. “He didn’t want me to come back, but I did. He tried to make me stay with him, but I held out. I hope you see that I’m trying to do the right thing, Mother.”

“Are you willing to resume your studies, then? Are you willing to receive the Dark Mark in a year? Because if not, then you are no longer welcome in this house. And if you leave this house, I can no longer guarantee your safety.”

Sirius’ throat tightened, fully aware of what she meant by the threat. “I’m willing to resume my studies, Mother,” he said, though his voice quavered slightly. “I know what’s at stake.”

She nodded, presumably satisfied. “Then you will be ready to receive your punishment for your indolence and foul mouth?”

Sirius breathed in sharply through his nose. He could hear Regulus whisper something he couldn’t quite make out, though he suspected that his brother didn’t want to see him punished.

“Yes, Mother, I’m ready,” he replied, looking her straight in the eye.

“Good. Bellatrix will be here in about ten minutes, my dear, so I suggest you ready yourself.”

Sirius furrowed his brow. “For what?”

“For your punishment, of course. My own form of the Cruciatus curse is potent enough, but I think you deserve more than that. Bella is a specialist, as I’m sure you know.”

Sirius blanched. “You’re going to have me...Crucioed?” he gasped.

“It’s what you deserve. The Dark Lord would have you killed, of course, but I’m a little more merciful than he is. He would be quite right in having you extinguished, but then again, he is not a parent and doesn’t always understand a mother’s love like I do.”

Sirius choked in disbelief. “A mother’s love? The Cruciatus Curse is a mother’s love?”

“Of course!” she replied. “Doesn’t the muggle Bible say ‘spare the rod, spoil the child’?”

“Aren’t we supposed to be better than muggles?” Sirius argued.

“This is for your own good, Sirius,” she explained. “I don’t want to see you stray again, so this shall serve as a little reminder.”

By then, the front door had opened again, admitting a very impish Bellatrix. She licked her lips at Sirius and giggled. “Ooo! I get to play with my errant cousin today!”

Sirius couldn’t move a muscle. All he could do was stare at Bella’s wand, which she rolled playfully between her long fingers like a cigar.

“Mother, please, I swear I won’t stray!” he begged. He could hear Regulus sniffling behind him, but remaining quiet.

Mrs. Black gestured towards Bellatrix. “Let’s do this in his bedroom, where he sleeps,” she suggested. Before Sirius could make a move, Mrs. Black had put him in a full body bind with one flick of her wand. “The boy is a bit reluctant, I’m afraid.”

Bella laughed. “He needs toughening up. Those dalliances with Potter has made him weak.”

With another flick of her wand, Mrs. Black transported Sirius up the stairs, down the long corridor and right into his bedroom, where she set him down on the plush carpet. Another flick freed him from the body bind, but by then, it was too late for him to escape. Mrs. Black motioned for a white-faced, trembling Regulus to come in to watch.

“Sit right there, Regulus, on your brother’s bed. I want you to see what happens to those who attempt to flout our values and discredit the Dark Lord.” She nodded in Bella’s direction.

Bella stood before Sirius, who was kneeling on the floor, unsure of where to go or what to do. She narrowed her eyes and pointed her wand directly at his heart...


	18. The Reward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _If it hadn’t been for Regulus’ attentive care after the ordeal was all over, Sirius was sure he would have taken his own life. But thankfully, Regulus had watched over him assiduously, made sure he had water to drink and relief for his pains for the next few days. It was in those moments when Sirius was glad to have returned, if only to be a vehicle for his brother to do something kind and worthwhile._
> 
> _“I’m so sorry,” Regulus whispered again and again, more tearfully each time. “I had no idea they would do this to you!”_
> 
> _Sirius had no words for him._

A stoic Sirius Black sat quietly on a bench near the portal to Platform 9 ¾. He’d been there for three hours, not moving, not speaking, barely thinking. All summer long he had tried to put out of his mind the pain of Cecilia’s murder, the loneliness of his brief homelessness, and especially the horrors of the Cruciatus Curse, which Bellatrix did a total of seven times over three days. It was no small wonder that Sirius hadn’t lost his mind entirely after the first day, when the agony threatened to send him over the edge.

If it hadn’t been for Regulus’ attentive care after the ordeal was all over, Sirius was sure he would have taken his own life. But thankfully, Regulus had watched over him assiduously, made sure he had water to drink and relief for his pains for the next few days. It was in those moments when Sirius was glad to have returned, if only to be a vehicle for his brother to do something kind and worthwhile.

“I’m so sorry,” Regulus whispered again and again, more tearfully each time. “I had no idea they would do this to you!”

Sirius had no words for him. 

And then something strange happened. There he was, lying on his bed, alone in the dark, his entire body still on fire from days of...punishment, when the door opened softly. Sirius wanted to scurry back frantically and hide, terrified of new pains. But the girl who entered didn’t bring pain. Rather, she brought such pleasure that Sirius thought he might lose his mind all over again.

She entered softly, disrobing entirely before a stunned Sirius’ eyes, then without a word, climbed into his bed.

“Hi,” she finally said.

Sirius was sure he’d seen the girl before. Sixth year Slytherin, Prefect, though not a strong student. Pretty. Very...womanly. Popular with Slytherin boys, to the chagrin of the girls. What was going on?

“You’re Janis, right?” Sirius croaked. His voice was raw from shrieking out in pain for so many days.

“Mmhmm,” she said. “Shhh.” Janis Nott had a certain reputation, which made Sirius very nervous. He was in no shape for any sort of physical intimacy.

Then again, with a naked girl in his bed, Sirius reasoned he was in no state to argue with her. Very quickly, all talk was replaced by kisses and caresses and...more. She did things to his body he never dreamed of before, and had him so intensely aroused that he was sure he had left the planet for a few minutes. Sirius had no idea how long Janis stayed, but the moment she left him, still tingling with ecstasy, he fell straight to sleep for a very long time.

Sunshine. Traffic. Sounds of a new day. A knock on the door awoke him again, but unfortunately for Sirius, Kreacher, not Janis, entered the room.

“My mistress wishes to see Master Sirius right now.” Without another word, he left.

His aching head still spinning, Sirius stumbled out of bed, threw on some robes and made his way to the sitting room. Mrs. Black waited for him, alone in the daylight. Sirius could only look at her with confusion and pain, wondering what she would do to him this time.

“I’m very proud of you, Sirius,” she said, her voice very businesslike.

“Proud of me?” His voice shook slightly. What was she playing at?

“You took your punishment very well, like a true Black. You showed great strength throughout the entire experience. I think you were also a very good example for your brother. He was very affected by your attitude. He has learned from you, my dear.”

He stared at his mother blankly, saying nothing, still uncertain of what she wanted this time.

“Did you enjoy your reward?” she asked.

“My...what?”

“Your reward. Janis did service you, didn’t she?”

“Yeah.” Sirius felt numb suddenly. Is that what it was? Service rendered for a job well done?

“You may have her at any time you wish, my dear, both here and at school. This will cleanse you of the Mudblood contagion that has poisoned you these last few weeks. Janis will cure you of your ills the more you are with her.”

Sirius was unsure how to react. He couldn’t quite believe that his own mother was encouraging, even expecting him to engage in frequent sexual activity for the sake of “cleansing” him. What could he say in that moment but, “Thank you, Mother.”

But then it was back to reading, back to mind-numbing propaganda. Books on the supremacy of purebloods and on the justification of violence against Mudbloods filled his mind during the day, and more encounters with Janis enflamed his senses during the night. By the time the summer had ended, Sirius no longer knew whether he was coming or going, living or dead. He never had a moment to reflect alone or to find any sort of quiet. Every waking moment was filled with books, more of his mother’s quizzes, more and more of Janis’ pleasures.

Thus he found himself on the morning of August 31, alone for the first time in weeks, just sitting there in the train station, staring ahead and vaguely watching the muggles pass him by on their way to work or on holiday or whatever else that muggles did. Sirius didn’t really know what muggles did and he didn’t really care any more. Caring was too costly, as he discovered with Cecilia. Mindless sex with a pureblood was easier, less complicated, less likely to cause him trouble.

Getting away had been no easy task. Never before had his family let him out of their sight all summer long, fearing he might run back to the Potters and be lost to them forever. He was tempted to transform into a dog, but then again, he didn’t want anyone in his family to know that he had become an Animagus. He needed a better tactic, so this morning, he politely asked his mother whether she’d mind awfully if he were to take a turn and perhaps spend a little time in the city on his own. She had eyed him suspiciously for a moment, but then, seeing a flare of sincerity in his dark eyes, she relented, giving him a strict curfew.

Sirius knew better at this point that testing his mother’s limits was a bad idea. He had suffered too much under Bellatrix’s wand to tempt fate this time. There were moments when Sirius still could feel the crushing pain of the Cruciatus curse, as much as he tried to expunge the memory entirely. He tried desperately every time he was with Janis, as if the pleasure she gave him could cancel out the pain--but it never quite worked. His body and mind had been too tormented for too long, and as Sirius rose from the bench to make his way home, he despaired that he might never again be the same.

* * * *

James looked at him as if he was seeing a total stranger. Sirius appeared tired, pale, a little thin, a little listless in his demeanour. It came as no surprise to James that Sirius was expected to sit with Regulus, Severus, Cassius and Damien in their own compartment, yet as the two friends passed each other in the train corridor, James couldn’t help but feel a sharp pain in his heart as he was left to wonder what had been done to Sirius over the long summer.

Sirius didn’t say much on the train, but rather, let everyone else do the talking. Regulus was entertaining everyone with crass jokes and exaggerated stories of his summer activities. It bothered Sirius that Regulus couldn’t stop talking about Lucius Malfoy at every turn. Lucius said this, Lucius did that, Lucius is so amazing, Lucius is my idol, blah blah blah. Sirius noticed that Severus looked just about as disgusted as he did, which heartened him just a little.

“So Sirius,” Damien started, “you excited? You only have a year to go, right? You’re full-fledged next summer, right?”

Sirius didn’t reply, but Regulus did. “Hey, Mulciber, leave my brother alone! He’s still recovering.”

“From what, exactly?” Severus asked.

Regulus smirked, elbowing Sirius in the ribs. “Janis Nott.”

“Oh my gods!” Damien laughed. “Janis?”

“Is there anyone she hasn’t done at this school?” Cassius crowed.

“Yeah,” Sirius snarled. “Severus.” Severus flipped him the finger.

“I wouldn’t touch that slag,” Severus replied with disgust. “She’s the school broomstick! Curious that she’s branching out and screwing Gryffindors now. The Hufflepuffs will have to be on their guard this term.”

Everyone laughed at that. Sirius returned his attention to the passing scenery out the window, doing all he could to ignore the new insults now leveled at Janis and her promiscuous exploits. All he could think about was what he would say to James. He was overwhelmed with guilt, feeling as if he had sold himself for the sake of...of what? Why had he gone home? Why couldn’t he have stayed strong and remained with the Potters? He had been safe there, happy for once.

Maybe he could have convinced Regulus to come with him, but now, Sirius wasn’t so sure. It wasn’t just his mother’s threat that remained at the front of his mind, but that Regulus had grown so enamoured with Lucius Malfoy. Sirius had never liked Lucius, never trusted him either. He had heard too many rumours about Malfoy, involving controversial trysts with witches and with wizards of many ages.

Sirius despaired. He had gone home to protect Regulus against people like Lucius, but what had he really accomplished? He had allowed himself to be tortured and corrupted, and for what? Regulus hadn’t changed one whit, and Sirius started to realise that maybe, just maybe, Regulus would never change.

At the feast that night, Sirius was still lost in thought, making the Marauders worry about him more. Lily kept shoving food at Sirius, making sure his plate was constantly filled with everything. James remained relatively quiet that night, a rarity for him. As he sat there, not eating very much despite Lily’s protests, Sirius started to realise how similar James was to Regulus. Maybe that’s what drew him to James so much, that he possessed the same playful, joyous spirit that Regulus did. That realisation, however, made Sirius unconsolable. Maybe Regulus was doomed.

Late that night in the common room, James finally cornered Sirius by the hearth. Sirius had sat there for a good half hour, not moving but only staring into the lapping flames.

“What happened to you?” James asked in a low voice, not wanting the others to hear.

“Nothing,” Sirius replied.

“Something happened to you. I know you, Sirius Black, and you don’t look the same. What did they do to you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Sirius said.

“Hey,” James started, but by then, Sirius had stormed off, straight to bed.

The next morning, James cornered Sirius again, with the same questions that Sirius didn’t want to answer.

“Have you practiced?” he asked as they walked to class together.

“Practiced?”

“You know, being a you-know-what. You know, _woof woof_!”

Sirius sighed. “Oh, that. No. Not much. You?”

“I’ll show you later, alright? Pettigrew’s been practicing, too.”

“Pettigrew can kiss my arse.”

James scoffed at that. “What is wrong with you, mate? You and Peter are supposed to be friends! You know, I saw quite a lot of him this summer. Had him and Remus over for a while, just to hang out and keep practicing. Remus finally had some company during his...you know...his time of the month. We missed you.”

“I was busy,” Sirius said plainly.

“Well I gathered that,” James replied sharply. “Maybe when you stop acting like a prat you’ll tell me what the hell is wrong with you.”

Suddenly, Sirius lashed out at James, giving him a hard shove. “Just stay out of it, Potter! Stay out of what doesn’t concern you!”

James shoved him back. “Listen, you idiot, if it concerns you it concerns me! Just ponder on that!” That being said, James stomped off to class, leaving Sirius behind to rub his arm and try to stop shaking.

* * * *

Had Sirius Black returned to his old ways, his family’s beliefs? James determined to get to the bottom of this, no matter what. He couldn’t believe that after everything that happened regarding Cecilia, that Sirius was remotely capable of returning to his mother’s way of thinking. On the other hand, Sirius wasn’t acting like himself either. James hadn’t seen his friend like this before, ever. Who was this new Sirius Black? What had they done to him?

But as determined as James was to break through and get Sirius to talk, Sirius was equally determined to keep to himself, even at the risk of losing the only real friends he had. The rest of that first week back, Sirius avoided the Marauders entirely, and though his grades were off to a shaky start once again, he avoided getting help from Lily. He couldn’t be responsible for another Mudblood getting herself killed by the Dark Lord for the crime of associating with a pureblood.

By Sunday afternoon, James had enough of Sirius’ avoidance, and with a little help from Remus, literally cornered Sirius in their dorm room while everyone was out playing or studying or talking in the Great Hall. So when Sirius, backed up against the wall, reacted like a frightened animal cowering frantically on the floor as they confronted him, James stopped, horrified by the pleading, scared boy before him. He motioned for Remus to stop.

“They hurt you, didn’t they?” James asked, now kneeling on the floor before Sirius. Remus knelt, so that he wasn’t the only one towering over Sirius.

“You can tell us, Sirius,” Remus added.

Sirius paused, fighting against the urge to break down in front of them. The only word he could get out was, “Cruciatus.”

Both James and Remus blanched. “Oh, Sirius,” James started. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything,” Sirius replied. He rubbed his eyes and stared at his shoelaces. “There’s nothing to be said.”

“Gods, Sirius!” Remus breathed.

“She threatened me,” Sirius went on. “If I stray again, well, that’s it for me. I’m dead.”

James reached out to touch Sirius’ shoulder. “We’ll protect you, mate. You’re not alone. You know that, right?”

Sirius nodded furtively, again rubbing his eyes with a trembling hand. “Yeah, I know.”


	19. Pranking Severus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Severus Snape had changed, too. Over the years, the boy had transformed from someone was was slightly creepy to a dark wizard with some pretty scary ambitions. And that his influence over Regulus had increased exponentially angered Sirius all the more. Severus was nearly inseparable from Regulus these days, leaving Sirius to wonder exactly what he was teaching his little brother._

As Fifth Years, life suddenly became extremely busy and stressful for the Marauders. Not only had Remus been made Prefect, but like everyone else in their year, the boys now had to worry about their upcoming OWL exams. Sirius also had to worry about the Dark Lord. His time was getting short, and he didn’t know what to do. So much had changed since he made that desperate promise as a scared twelve year-old. 

Severus Snape had changed, too. Over the years, the boy had transformed from someone was was slightly creepy to a dark wizard with some pretty scary ambitions. And that his influence over Regulus had increased exponentially angered Sirius all the more. Severus was nearly inseparable from Regulus these days, leaving Sirius to wonder exactly what he was teaching his little brother. On the other hand, Regulus had a mind of his own and had every right to make his own choices. That much Sirius could appreciate and respect. But he also noticed that the more Regulus hung around Severus, Cassius and Damien, the more openly hostile he had become toward Sirius.

He didn’t get it. Surely, Regulus should have been disillusioned by the way their mother had tortured her own son. He should have seen her for what she was and, like Sirius, rejected her utterly. Of course, their mother had likely scared Regulus by forcing him to watch, so that he dared not put a toe out of step. Regulus was already terrified of their mother, but what confounded Sirius was why he now sought out Severus rather than himself.

One day in late September, Sirius and Lily sat together in the Great Hall, going over some notes for an upcoming Potions exam, whereas James and the other Marauders were in McGonagall’s office. Lily looked uncommonly pretty that cozy afternoon, the sunlight crowning Lily’s red tresses. Sirius couldn’t help but notice the fresh scent of perfume and how lovely her eyes were.

“You have the most amazing eyes,” he blurted out.

Lily rapped him on the knuckles with her quill. “Stop staring. You’re supposed to be studying the properties of Valerian root.”

Sirius tried to refocus himself, but it was no good. “Say, maybe you and me...maybe we could, you know, sort of go out sometime. Maybe we could hang out during the next Hogsmeade weekend?”

She giggled. “You’re kidding, right?”

“No,” he replied, slightly offended. “Why would I be kidding?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I just never knew you were interested, especially after Cecilia.”

“Look, if you’re not interested, it’s okay, really.”

“No, I’m interested, Sirius. I’d love to hang out with you in Hogsmeade!” And then she did it. She leaned forward and gave him a little kiss on the lips.

“Wow,” he said, laughing. But then he kissed her back, and until a very cross Professor Slughorn broke them up, they kissed a little more.

That was when he felt it, the burning stare of Severus Snape right behind him, well, two tables away, just staring at him, looking as if he wanted to murder Sirius right on the spot.

“I think Snivellus is jealous,” Sirius whispered into Lily’s ear, laughing.

“Give him a break, alright?”

“You know he wants to be a Death Eater, right?”

“I don’t think he knows what he wants.”

“He wants you, that’s for sure.”

Lily kissed Sirius again. “Don’t be ridiculous! He knows we’re just friends.”

“Does he?” Sirius glanced behind him again. 

Severus was still staring, still looking murderous. But suddenly, he rose, gestured towards Regulus, who got up and followed him out of the Great Hall.

“Freak,” Sirius muttered under his breath.

To his slight surprise that Hogsmeade weekend, James was more than a little bent out of shape when Sirius told him he’d see them later, after his date with Lily Evans.

“Why are you going out with her?” James asked hotly.

Sirius laughed. “She’s going to make a man out of me!”

“I thought Janis Nott already did that,” James replied.

“Nah. She just molested me. But to tell you the truth, mate, I didn’t think she’d say yes. I thought she was sort of sweet on you.”

James raised his eyebrows in alarm. “Then why ask her out at all?”

“Well when she kissed me right there in the middle of Study Hall, I sorta felt encouraged. Wish me luck!”

James frowned. “Yeah, right.”

* * * *

There was nothing Sirius liked better than to go to Hogsmeade, even if it was just for a few hours once a month. But it was that sense of freedom, of being mostly unsupervised that attracted him the most. He was so used to be watched and guarded and tracked that the first moment Sirius could get out from under it, he couldn’t contain his joy. What did it matter that Regulus accompanied Cassius, Damien and Severus? Who cared?

This time was different, though. Perhaps because of their very public show of affection, the entire school that Sirius Black was dating yet another Muggle-born. Sirius hoped Lily would be alright with that, considering what happened to Cecilia. He wasn’t sure he could take it if he were responsible for another Mudbl...Muggle-born’s murder. 

Thus, the constant presence of Severus Snape wherever they went that day bothered Sirius. Was it a simple case of boyish jealousy, or was it something more? Sirius was convinced that his mother must know about this new tryst, so reasoned that perhaps Severus was spying on him, feeding information to Regulus who would then pass it on to their mother. He hoped it was jealousy.

Sirius and Lily sat together at a little corner table at the Three Broomsticks, sharing a butterbeer and more than a few kisses. As good as it felt to be with her, Sirius couldn’t help but notice the constant subject of Lily’s conversation.

“I could have killed James...James is such a prat...James told me that...and then James ran at him…that sounds like what James said the other day...James gave me...” And so on.

By the end of the date, Sirius was sure that Lily had said James’ name at least a hundred times, maybe even two hundred. At first he was annoyed, then jealous, but suddenly, looking at a ravenous Severus sitting not so far away, still staring and ignoring Regulus’ antics, Sirius became terribly amused. It was clear to him that this wasn’t going to work out with Lily, but somehow he didn’t mind. After all, Lily might not be interested in one pureblood, but if she were truly interested in the son of a notorious blood-traitor rather than in Severus Snape, then Sirius reasoned it was worth the loss. He grinned.

“What?” Lily asked, taking another sip of butterbeer. She ran her hand up his thigh, but Sirius stopped her from going too far.

Sirius kissed her again. “Nothing.” He threw a wicked glance at Severus and laughed.

“He’s staring again, isn’t he,” she said quietly.

“Bloody stalker.”

“He thinks you’re going to use me and throw me away.”

Sirius sniggered at that. “Is that what he said?”

She nodded, rolling her eyes. “He means well…”

“No he doesn’t. He wants you for himself.”

“I told you, we’re just friends! He’s got too many dodgy acquaintances for me to be seriously interested in him. I wouldn’t survive the wedding reception!”

Sirius grunted. “Neither would he. That’s how they are. It’s like guilt by association with them. No matter who you are or how high up your family is, the second you associate with an undesirable, they’re done with you.”

Lily couldn’t mask her offence. “Are they done with you?”

Sirius glanced at his brother mournfully. “Yeah. I think so. I don’t know.”

She squeezed his hand. “Then you’re in danger?”

He nodded. “Yep. I expect so.”

“They won’t get you, Sirius.”

He sighed. “They might. But I’ll do everything I can to keep safe. I’ll be alright, Evans.”

She didn’t kiss him this time, but instead, finished her butterbeer.

Sirius grinned impishly just then, noticing Severus’ continual stare in their direction. “Say, do you want to cause a little scandal?” he whispered to Lily.

“Why? To take the mickey out of Sev?”

“We won’t actually do anything, but what if you and I held hands and walked upstairs? You know what he’ll think!”

“Oh, honestly, Sirius!” she crowed. “You’re impossible! I prefer to keep my reputation slightly less sordid than yours!” But then she lowered her voice. “Plus, it would be much more fun if we were to sort of disappear into the woods!”

Sirius laughed. Together, they jumped up, stole a little kiss and then, hand-in-hand, rushed out, walking quickly in the direction of the woods. A couple of minutes passed and they could hear nothing, but suddenly, footsteps at a far distance. Lily laughed and pulled Sirius into the woods where they ran behind the widest tree they could find, listening. The footsteps stopped. Lily looked around and giggled as if Sirius had just tickled her.

“Oh Sirius!” she moaned, winking at him. “Aaahhhh!!!”

Sirius laughed. “Oh yeah,” he groaned. “Right there, baby!”

Lily started panting, and it was all Sirius could do to prevent himself from shrieking out in laughter. “Oh yeah,” she purred. 

Sirius kissed the back of his hand as loudly as he could as Lily shook with laughter and started kissing the back of her own hand in the same way. They slurped and snorted and groaned for a full three minutes, until the footsteps ran off in the other direction. Sirius and Lily burst out laughing, rolling about in the leaves unable to stop.

“James is going to love that one!” Lily gasped, finally calming down.

“Hey, you know, I think he was a bit put out by us going out today,” Sirius said. “I think he’s got it bad for you, Evans.”

“Oh get real! He’s too busy being Mr. Quidditch champion these days to notice a single hair on my head!”

“I think he does notice.” Sirius sat up. “Say, Lily, can I ask you something?”

She sat up, too and pulled a big leaf out of Sirius’ hair, crunching it in her small hand. “Sure. What’s on your mind?”

“Be honest with me, alright? It’s just...what do you think of James?”

She laughed. “I’m on a date with YOU, Sirius! That’s kind of a weird question.”

“It’s not that I’m jealous or anything…”

“So wait, then why are you out with me? What are you playing at?”

“Nothing! I really like you, Lily, but...I only just noticed today that...well maybe you and me should be like you and Severus.”

Her face fell. “Just friends?”

“Is that bad?” Sirius felt terrible just then.

“I just...I don’t understand,” she said, not looking at him. “Then what have we been doing these last few days?”

“So you’re not interested in James?” Sirius asked.

“Why would I be?” she retorted. “He is the biggest prat I’ve ever met!”

“Oh come on! I know you don’t believe that! Otherwise, why keep bringing him up today? You don’t talk about anyone else, Lily! Even when you’re kissing me you’re talking about him!”

“I do?” She looked mortified.

“It’s okay, seriously.”

“Sirius, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say! That’s got to be the rudest thing I’ve ever done!”

Sirius kissed her on the cheek. “Hey, just promise me one thing, alright? When you have your first son, teach him to be a blood-traitor. I want to be proud of him!”

* * * *

That evening at dinner, Sirius sat next to Lily, but they kept their hands to themselves, which seemed to please James. He winked at Sirius.

“Full moon Monday,” he said.

Remus bit his lip and scowled.

“Nice night to go out, don’t you think?” Sirius replied. He nudged Remus with his elbow.

“Not when there’s a Transfiguration exam on Tuesday morning,” Lily reminded them.

Sirius noticed across the room that Severus was in deep conversation with...Janis Nott? This was too much for Sirius to resist.

“Will you all excuse me?” he said, scrambling to his feet. 

With a confident smirk on his face, he marched straight over to the Slytherin table, ready to give Severus a little hell. Ignoring the fierce glares from Cassius and Damien, Sirius plopped down on the bench, wrenching himself right between Janis and Severus.

“Hey, Janis,” he cooed.

Janis smiled dreamily at Sirius. “Hey there, handsome.” She ran a finger down the side of his cheek, giggling.

Sirius leaned close, whispering in her ear. “Say, how about you and me later, by the lake?”

She giggled again. “Sure! I’ve got something new to show you.”

Actually, the thought aroused Sirius more than it should have, and suddenly, he decided to go ahead and meet up with her, for old time’s sake. “Half eleven, then. Bye, Snivellus.”

“Heard from your mother recently?” Severus asked stiffly.

“Mother? What’s that?” Sirius sneered. Regulus gasped.

“Say, Black, didn’t you learn the Mudblood lesson the first time?” Damien asked, inclining his head in Lily’s direction.

Both Sirius and Severus whipped out their wands, pointing them directly at Damien’s face.

“You shut up about that!” Sirius shouted, his wand shaking.

Severus had calmed down by then, however, and already put his wand away. “Honestly, Mulciber, don’t you possess a shred of tact?”

“Tact about a stupid Mudblood?” Damien protested.

Severus narrowed his eyes at him, stealing a quick in Lily’s direction. “No. You seem to have a cavalier attitude about the death of anyone. The Dark Lord does not share such a frivolous view.”

“You are so stupid, Snape!” Sirius spat. “You don’t even know the man! How do you know what is view is about anything?”

“Because I read, you idiot,” Severus replied. “Unlike yourself. I listen. I watch. I observe.”

“Gods!” Sirius groaned loudly in sheer exasperation, jumping to his feet. “You are such a bloody freak! You know, if you’d stop being a bloody stalker you might have actual friends!”

“Oh really?” Severus scoffed. “Friends like you, who use girls in order to score cheap points?”

“Take off, Sirius!” Cassius growled.

“Yeah, go back to your Gryffindork friends and leave us alone, you stupid ass!” Regulus yelled. “I can still smell the Mudblood on you!”

Sirius’ blood ran cold. With stunned eyes he looked unbelievably at Regulus, then at Severus, both of whom glared at him with...real hatred. “You really are a piece of shit, Snape,” he hissed.

Severus lunged at Sirius, wand pointed directly at his heart.

Sirius only laughed. “What are you going to do, Snivellus? Crucio me?”

“Not today,” Severus replied through gritted teeth.

Sirius bowed grandly towards Regulus. “Good luck to you, little brother. Have fun destroying your life!” And with that, he stormed out of the Great Hall, disappearing into the dark of night.


	20. The Hog's Head

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _For hours, all Sirius did was to walk through the empty streets of Hogsmeade, every so often reaching up to dry the angry tears from his face as he went, not caring who might see him or hear him. No one was about anyway, to his relief. But wait...what was that? A light was on at the Hog’s Head Inn. Sirius slowed his pace, unsure whether to pass by. But who could be out so late, and in a tavern?_

No one saw Sirius Black for two days, and everyone in Gryffindor started to worry, especially when he didn’t even turn up for dinner the next evening. The Head Boy and Girl asked Professor Dumbledore whether they should form a search party for the lost wizard.

“Give him a little more time,” Dumbledore replied.

“But Headmaster,” a very worried Professor McGonagall said, “it’s the full moon tonight.”

“Mr. Black will be fine, Minerva. He knows what to do.”

As a matter of fact, Sirius did know what to do. The only problem was that he still didn’t do it very well. Having lost precious time over the summer left Sirius at a distinct disadvantage as an Animagus, yet that was the least of his troubles. Sirius had initially escaped the grounds, forgetting about his promised date with Janis, instead heading to the shack outside of Hogsmeade, and then leaving the shack in order to wander the empty streets of Hogsmeade, alone. In the far distance he heard the howling of the werewolves as they made their monthly transformation--he shivered.

But Sirius was too angry to return, at least just yet. What should have been a laugh at Severus’ expense turned into the unexpected loss of his brother, leaving Sirius shattered. He knew it was rash and foolhardy to run off like that, especially on the full moon, but Sirius felt compelled. It didn’t matter to him that he would likely get into a lot of trouble for truancy, but he didn’t care about that. He had to feel this pain, had to work his way through it, use it to give him the strength he knew he needed so that maybe one day, he might be able to fight for the brother he had just lost.

For hours, all Sirius did was to walk through the empty streets of Hogsmeade, every so often reaching up to dry the angry tears from his face as he went, not caring who might see him or hear him. No one was about anyway, to his relief. But wait...what was that? A light was on at the Hog’s Head Inn. Sirius slowed his pace, unsure whether to pass by. But who could be out so late, and in a tavern?

Quietly, secretly, he peered in the window. What was Professor Dumbledore doing there, sipping mead in the middle of the night like that, his bathed in candlelight? Maybe Lucius was right about Dumbledore, that he was up to no good behind the students’ backs. To Sirius’ horror, Dumbledore suddenly looked straight at him, smiled and waved for him to come in. What else could Sirius do?

Hesitantly, he opened the creaky wooden door, his body flooded with guilt and humiliation. He thought he’d been so careful, so sure that no one would find him until he was ready to present himself back at school and face the wrath of Professor McGonagall...and his parents. In fact, the thought of leaving Hogwarts and Regulus and everyone else tempted Sirius more than a little those past few painful hours as he walked aimlessly through the forest and the neighbouring town of St. Luke. No one knew him in that muggle town, so Sirius felt relatively safe.

But now, as he stood at the threshold of the Hog’s Head, Sirius knew exactly what would happen. He would have to apologise and he would definitely have to return to school...and to Regulus. He wasn’t so sure he was up for such an encounter at this point, preferring the quiet solitude of the woods. At the same time, Sirius conceded that he wasn’t good enough as an Animagus to survive for long out there, and thus, he shuffled over to Professor Dumbledore’s table and reluctantly sat.

Dumbledore pushed a glass of mead towards him. “You look tired.”

Sirius shrugged. He didn’t drink, at least not right away. “I’m alright.”

“You know, truancy is a serious offense.”

Sirius nodded. “I know.”

“You seem to have a tendency these days to run off.”

“Yeah.”

“Talk to me, Mr. Black. What happened? Why did you run away like that and make us all worry about you?”

Sirius balked, not wanting to parade his family disputes in front of Professor Dumbledore. After all, this was a man his entire family and all their friends loathed, wanted to see dead. A rush of shame flooded him just then. He shivered.

“Mr. Black?”

“I...uh...argued with my brother today.”

Dumbledore raised an skeptical eyebrow. “You ran off for two days over an argument with Regulus?”

“I lost him, sir,” Sirius said quietly.

“Oh. I see. I am sorry, then.”

Sirius rubbed his eyes. “He was my best friend, all my life. We did everything together and we always supported each other, even if we disagreed on things. But he looked at me with such hatred, sir. I’ve never seen my brother look like that at anyone!”

“Perhaps he was caught up in the moment. Perhaps he regrets what he did.”

Sirius took a sip of mead, shaking his head. “I doubt that. I went home, you know, this summer. I should have stayed with James! I thought if I went home then I’d be there for Regulus, you know, to sort of support him and even bring him over to our side of things.”

“It’s not too late.”

Sirius looked down. “I think it is, sir. You don’t know what it’s like at my house, I mean, you were lucky you didn’t grow up with Lord...You-Know-Who knocking on your door every month!”

“I can imagine it must have been difficult,” Dumbledore conceded. He finished his glass and ordered another.

“I guess it wasn’t so bad when I agreed with them all, but the second I got my own mind, all they’ve done is either torture me or have me corrupted and brainwashed!”

Dumbledore frowned at the word “torture.” “Excuse me, Sirius, but did you say ‘torture’?”

Sirius blushed. “My family has a sort of sick way of punishing the heretics.”

“What did they do to you, Sirius?”

Sirius sighed. “Cruciatus,” he said quietly. “My cousin, Bella, did it under Mother’s orders. Naturally she was happy to comply.” As Sirius related the very worst of what had been done to him by his cousin, Dumbledore’s expression went from mildly concerned to outraged.

“Who else knows of this?” he asked.

“James and Remus know a little. I didn’t really say that much to my friends, though. It was...I don’t know. And of course my brother knows. Mother made him watch. I don’t know who else.”

“This is very upsetting to me, Sirius. All the more reason why you must promise never again to run off like this.”

“Am I in big trouble?”

“Of course you are, young man! We’ve been frantic for two days, worrying about you! Had I known you were being abused at home, I might not have contacted your parents, but unfortunately, as they know you are missing. I am obligated, of course, to inform them of your discovery.”

Sirius flinched at the word “abused.” “Just tell them I’m dead. Tell them a werewolf tore out my throat. That should make Bella excited.”

“I think your brother might just let the truth slip, Sirius,” Dumbledore replied lightly. “You’ll have to face them, I’m afraid.”

“They might not know, sir, I mean, that I’m not...the same. All summer long Mother forced books onto me.”

“And you believed their contents?”

“Well no, but...it’s just that...they kept sending this girl into my rooms to...uh...you know...to me, and well it just sort of got me sort of…”

“Hot and bothered?”

Sirius blushed again. “Sort of. I wasn’t thinking any more, sir, and I never really got to defend my brother, which is what I wanted. I was useless!”

“You know, Sirius, you can still be useful to your brother,” Dumbledore reminded him. “Regulus is still very young, only just fourteen. Your presence here at school can still be of great use, so please don’t give up on him.” He chuckled.

“What?”

“I was just remembering having a conversation with James Potter a few years back. He had this friend that he was just about ready to give up on, considering how he was raised. But in time, he turned around.”

“Was he as bad as I was?”

“I told James to be patient, to be a positive influence on him.” Dumbledore grinned. “And looking at you now, I’d say it was worth the wait.”

* * * *

The moment Sirius Black walked in the doors of the Great Hall late that night, an entire detachment of teachers arose to greet him, offering him a mixture of anger and relief. Professor Sprout gave him a little pat on the shoulder, but Professor McGonagall looked as if she wanted to Crucio Sirius herself. He gulped.

“Sorry,” he said, not looking into any of their strained faces.

Professor McGonagall jumped to her feet, outraged. “Mr. Black! Do you have any idea how worried we were about you? Have you no sense of how other people might be affected when you decide to run off like that?”

“I’m sorry, ma’am,” he repeated. “Truly. I had no business running off like that, and I truly regret all the trouble I caused you. I hope you’ll forgive me.”

“I have had it from Mr. Black as to why he ran off,” Dumbledore pointed out. “And I am satisfied with his answer. Mr. Black, you are excused to go to bed, though we will discuss your punishment when your parents arrive.” Turning to the teachers, he went on. “And now if you will excuse me, I must have a private conversation with Professor McGonagall. Thank you all coming here when I summoned you. I wanted you all to know that Mr. Black is back, safe and sound.”

As much as Sirius wondered what Dumbledore and McGonagall were going to discuss, he was too tired to think on it and so, he returned to Gryffindor, ready to fall right into bed and sleep for the next ten hours. Unfortunately for Sirius, no sooner had he crawled through the portrait-hole than he was confronted by three furious Marauders and a tear-stained Lily. She rushed over, threw her arms around his neck, then smacked him in the face.

“Hey!” Sirius exclaimed, rubbing his cheek.

“You stupid, selfish git!” she yelled, smacking him again.

“Ow! Stop it!”

“We thought you were dead!” Remus said hotly.

“Or that your family had kidnapped you!” James added.

“Look, guys, I’m sorry!” Sirius pleaded. “I know I cocked up, and I’m sorry!”

“Why did you do it, Sirius?” Lily asked through new tears. “We already lost Cecilia and I just couldn’t take losing another friend!”

He gave her another hug. This time, she didn’t slap him. Instead, she buried her face in his robes and sobbed.

“I was so scared!” she wailed. “We all were! I thought for sure you had been attacked or something awful!”

Sirius sat on the sofa and sighed. “I just walked a lot. I sat a lot. I didn’t eat much, though. I...I had to get away.”

“You don’t run from your friends, Sirius,” James pointed out. “Whatever was wrong, you should have come to us, talked to us!”

Sirius nodded. “I know. How’s my brother?”

“About the same,” Lily said. “He and Sev were telling nasty jokes at dinner tonight. Jokes about...well…about people like me.”

“Mudb...Muggle-born jokes?” Sirius remembered telling jokes like that not so long ago. He flushed with shame at the memory, knowing that he had taught Regulus some of his better ones. And now, Regulus was passing those on to Severus.

“I heard Regulus proclaim rather loudly at lunch that the air smelled better now that, and I’m quoting, that there was one less blood-traitor in the school,” Pettigrew said.

“I suppose they thought that was hilarious.”

Pettigrew shrugged. “I guess.”

“So are your parents going to get you in big trouble?” Remus asked.

Sirius shuddered. “It’s going to be a bad scene. I have no idea how it’s going to go, to be honest, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t reserve some massive punishment for me when I go home.”

“If they let you stay at school,” James grumbled.

“They won’t pull him out,” Pettigrew declared.

“I appreciate your optimism,” Sirius replied, attempting a smile. “I hope you’re right.”

The following day, Sirius made the long walk to the Headmaster’s office, escorted personally by the Marauders and Lily, all of whom gave him a little hug and some looks of condolence before he passed through the already open stone gargoyles, onward to his fate. Inside, he found an unusually grave Professor Dumbledore, an ashen Professor McGonagall, and a stoic mother and father. His mother looked unusually fierce that morning, uncommonly dangerous as she stared at him with ice cold eyes.

Sirius squared his shoulders and moved to the centre of the room, looking only at Professor Dumbledore. “I’m here, sir,” he said lightly.

“Have a seat, Mr. Black,” Dumbledore replied. “First of all…”

“You will tell us exactly why you did this, Sirius!” Mrs. Black hissed.

“I…”

“You are a disgrace, Sirius Black!” she spat.

“Now just a moment, Walburga,” Dumbledore began.

“To think that we raised you, only to watch you turn into a weakling and a coward!” she went on, ignoring Dumbledore.

“Coward?” Sirius bellowed.

“Mr. Black, please!” Professor Mcgonagall started.

“You don’t know the first thing about me, Mother!”

“Sirius, please, let’s all quieten down,” Dumbledore cut in.

“Look, I’m sorry, alright, Mother?” Sirius said. “I know I shouldn’t have run off, but that doesn’t make me a coward!”

“Now see here, Sirius,” Mrs. Black said. “I have instructed the Headmaster to give you the very harshest punishment possible. Apparently Bella’s punishment wasn’t enough for you this summer, so we’ll just see what we can do to repair that.”

Sirius blanched at that. He could feel his throat tighten as the memory of the Cruciatus curse tore through him.

“Walburga, I will not allow you to threaten my students,” Dumbledore said sternly.

“May I remind you, Albus, that this is my son? I may speak to him as I wish.”

“You will not threaten violence against him!”

She narrowed her eyes at him. “You will not interfere with my family business, Albus, and if you continue to do so, then my son shall no longer be your student.”

“It’s alright, sir,” Sirius said derisively. “Mother likes to hear herself talk.”

“Walburga,” Dumbledore said, “Sirius will be justly punished for his truancy, believe me. For starters, I am gating him for the rest of the term. That means no Hogsmeade, period. Furthermore, he will serve detention for the next three Saturdays. I have some very unpleasant jobs for him to complete. You will not need to give him any further punishment, I hope.”

She scowled. “We’ll see. This is his last chance.”

After a few more harsh words and a few more arrangements, a very huffy Mr. and Mrs. Black swept out of the office. They did not say good-bye to Sirius. Sirius couldn’t help but feel intensely defeated just then, and as the door slammed shut, he sank down on a chair, numb and heartbroken. Dumbledore and McGonagall sat down beside him, saying nothing.

“You tried,” Sirius finally said. “Thank you, sir. It’s not your fault that she’s hopeless.”

“But Mr. Black,” McGonagall piped up, her features troubled, “are you in danger when you go home? We can keep you here, you know.”

“Thank you, Professor, but I’ll be fine. She’ll calm down after a while, especially if my brother behaves himself like a first-class tosser. She’ll forget about me and lavish all her attention on him.” As he spoke, Sirius felt his heart sink. The words felt like stones in his mouth, choking his senses. “I’ll be fine.”


	21. Project Snivellus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Someone needs to do something about Snape,” James said. “We’ve been sitting here letting him get away with far too much, you know. It’s not just Regulus that’s being damaged by his influence. I think Lily is, too.”_
> 
> _“He’s not indoctrinating her, James,” Remus said._
> 
> _“He’s lying to her,” James replied. “He’s being a two-faced bastard and she’s the one who’s going to pay the price for that, not him.”_
> 
> _“So what do we do?” Sirius asked._
> 
> _James scowled. “Make his life a living hell.”_

There he was, officiating like a king, or at least like prince, sitting at the head of the Slytherin table, talking and talking and talking. Regulus sat at his right hand, staring quixotically as Severus went on about spells and potions and how the Ministry had no idea about magic whatsoever. Sirius glared at him from the Gryffindor table.

“Forget him, Sirius,” James said.

“Look at them,” Sirius replied bitterly, ignoring James’ constant attempts to change the subject. “Who does he think he is? He’s acting like he’s some sort of pureblooded royalty or something! They ought to drum him out entirely!”

“Why do you hate him so much?” Pettigrew asked.

“Never mind,” Sirius grumbled.

“Just don’t think about it,” Remus offered.

“I have to think about it, Remus! This is my brother! The more he’s exposed to all that rubbish he hears from that ignoramus, Snape, the worse off he’ll be!”

“But he hears it already,” Pettigrew reminded him.

“But it’s reinforced here! I don’t know what it is about Severus that has Regulus so entranced, I mean, look at him! Greasy, big-nosed prat!”

Remus shrugged. “Yeah, but you have to admit he’s got a way with words, I mean, Severus is bloody brilliant when it comes right down to it. Nobody measures up to him in that regard.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Lily piped up from two seats over. “There are plenty of articulate people around here.”

“Yeah, but they don’t have my brother’s ear, whereas your friend Snivellus does.”

Lily sighed dramatically. “Will you guys please stop calling him that? You’re so mean!”

“Oh come on, Evans, you have to be kidding!” James laughed. “When it comes right down to it, old Snivelly would kill you if You-Know-Who told him to! You know that!”

“He would not!” Lily retorted. “He’s all talk! That’s it! He’s never shown me anything other than respect and friendship, and I’ve known him a long time!”

Sirius scoffed. “You can go ahead and think the world of the greasy git, but one day he’ll show his true colours to you and you’re going to find yourself in a pretty bad way. Just you wait!”

Lily slammed her books shut and stood up in a huff. “You lot are impossible!” With that, she stormed out of the Great Hall.

The next day, however, James, rather than Sirius, found it nearly impossible to simply forget about Severus Snape. The moment he sat down to breakfast in the Great Hall, his eyes flew to far corner of the room where Severus and Lily stood in close conversation, he occasionally touching her arm, she occasionally giggling and caressing his face. Same thing at lunch. More chatting, more giggling, more touching.

“She can’t be serious,” James whispered to Sirius, who watched the spectacle with lurid curiosity.

“Maybe she’s Imperiused,” Remus joked.

“I wouldn’t put it past Snivelly to resort to that,” Sirius replied. “How else is he going to get a girl?”

After a few more minutes of angry stares, Lily and Severus separated, he heading for the Slytherin table, she sitting down next to Pettigrew. Lily shook her hair out of her face and spooned some shepherd’s pie onto her plate, then poured herself a tall glass of water.

“Still have an appetite?” James asked sourly.

Lily briefly frowned at him. “Excuse me?”

“You can still eat after being so close to Snivellus? I don’t think I could stand the smell.”

She sighed. “Shut up, Potter.”

“So, you like him?” James persisted.

“Of course! Why shouldn’t I?”

Sirius snorted. “Oh, about ten thousand reasons. Let’s start with number one: you’re a mudblood.”

Everyone gasped in shock, but Sirius only laughed.

“I didn’t know you still used that sort of language, Sirius,” Remus said hotly.

“I’m just making a point!” Sirius replied defencively. “That’s the language HE uses when Evans’ back is turned, believe me! May I remind you that I grew up around these people? They use that sort of language like it’s natural! Don’t be so stupid as to think that just because he’s nice to your face that he’s a great guy!”

“You don’t know the first thing about Severus,” Lily said. “You don’t know what he has to go home to every summer!”

“Oh wait, so he’s now some charity case?” James asked with a laugh.

“His father beats him, you know,” Lily said quietly.

“I don’t blame him,” Sirius replied.

“That’s terrible!” Lily yelled.

“Lily, it’s not an excuse for the way he behaves!” Sirius yelled back. “My mother had me Crucioed this summer, oh yeah, and they bloody murdered my girlfriend! None of you have any idea what that was like! But does that suddenly give me an excuse to behave like a total prat?”

Lily touched him on the arm. “I’m sorry, Sirius. I had no idea they did that to you. Poor Cecilia.”

“You have to stop making excuses for him,” Sirius said, more calmly this time. “Look, I’m sorry he’s got it rough at home. Really. I don’t wish that on anyone, Lily, but he still has an obligation to behave like a decent human being, and what he’s doing to my brother is horrible! He’s just using Regulus to get to my family and to the Dark Lord!”

“You don’t know that,” Lily replied.

Sirius laughed. “Please! Why else would Severus Snape hang out with a nutter like my brother? Regulus is about as intellectual as I am, and that’s not saying much. But the worst part is that Snivellus doesn’t even know what he’s talking about! He’s never met a Death Eater in his life, and he certainly hasn’t met the Dark Lord, but he goes around talking like he’s his heir apparent or something!”

By then, the Slytherin boys had started to go their separate ways. Regulus and Barty Crouch and Amycus Carrow went in one direction, towards the Ravenclaw table, but Severus made his way in the opposite direction, now nearing the Gryffindor table. James grabbed his wand and stood up.

“James,” Remus warned, but it was no good. In a matter of seconds, James was standing nose-to-nose with a calm and collected Severus.

“May I help you, Potter?” Severus asked silkily.

“Yes, you can go the Forbidden Forest on the next full moon,” James replied sharply. “That would be just great.”

“You’re in my way, Potter,” Severus said dangerously.

“No, you’re in my way.”

“Don’t grip your wand unless you’re willing to use it,” Severus said, noting that James had his wand out.

James smirked. “Say, Sniv, is it true that the reason why you’re not on the Quidditch team is because you have a faulty broomstick?”

Sirius and Remus snorted.

Severus narrowed his eyes for a moment, but remained otherwise stoic. “Say, Potter is the only reason why you haven’t had your brains knocked out in a Quidditch match because you don’t have any?”

James frowned briefly. “So if the theory is true that men with big noses have big...you know...then why don’t you have a string of satisfied girlfriends yet?”

Severus snarled but again, regained his composure. “I don’t see your long string of girlfriends, Potter. Don’t project your sexual frustrations onto me. Then again, you’re half blind, so I guess it’s good that you get at least a little self-satisfaction. I’ll be happy to wait for the real thing.” 

James smirked. “Geez, Sniv, if you wait that long, you won’t be able to get your rocks off when the time comes along.”

Severus rolled his eyes and put his wand away. “Are we done here? Do you wish to show off your brilliant, rapier wit to your little boyfriends a bit longer or am I dismissed to go to lessons?”

James stepped aside to let Severus pass by. “Just watch your back, Snivellus.”

Enraged, Severus whipped around, wand out again, but James was too quick for him.

“Expelliarmus!” James shouted, sending Severus’ wand flying across the room. The Marauders cheered but Lily looked aghast. She jumped up and scrambled to retrieve the wand for him. Without a further word, Severus snatched the wand from her hand and stormed out.

“Idiots!” Lily seethed. “You lot talk all about tolerance, but you don’t apply that to yourselves! You make me sick!” 

James stared after her, but stayed put.

“She’ll get over it,” Sirius reassured him.

“Someone needs to do something about Snape,” James said. “We’ve been sitting here letting him get away with far too much, you know. It’s not just Regulus that’s being damaged by his influence. I think Lily is, too.”

“He’s not indoctrinating her, James,” Remus said.

“He’s lying to her,” James replied. “He’s being a two-faced bastard and she’s the one who’s going to pay the price for that, not him.”

“So what do we do?” Sirius asked.

James scowled. “Make his life a living hell.”

* * * *

Project Snivellus began that very night when James jinxed Severus’ dinner plate, making it disappear and reappear at the opposite end of the Slytherin table. He made Severus’ Transfiguration book disappear in the library later that night, and in Potions the next day, he sabotaged Severus’ cauldron so that it emitted pink sparks every time he added a new ingredient to the mix.

Unfortunately for James, Severus figured out fairly quickly who was responsible for these little mishaps, and when James was called into McGonagall’s office the following week, James was infuriated. The Marauders waited a full hour before an exhausted, angry James returned to the common room.

“So?” Sirius asked.

“Apparently Snivellus reported me for harassment,” James spat. “Stupid arsewipe.”

Remus chuckled. “You were harassing him.”

“I was exacting justice,” James replied indignantly.

“You were being an asshole,” Remus said.

“You thought the bees in his soup was funny!” Sirius pointed out.

“It was funny!” Remus replied. “OK, so James is a funny asshole.”

Pettigrew laughed.

James squared his shoulders and glared at Remus. “Alright Mr. Prefect Moony Lupin, then tell me this. Are you telling me to stop? Are you telling me to lay off Snivellus or you’ll haul my arse to the Headmaster?”

“You wouldn’t listen to me if I did, Prongs,” Remus replied with a laugh.

“That’s not true,” James retorted.

“You’re delusional,” Remus said. “You and Padfoot here do exactly as you two please! You’re a couple of spoilt brats! And if I did haul your arse to the Headmaster, I doubt he’d do much about it.”

“That doesn’t mean we’re bad people,” Sirius said.

“No, you’re right. Look, guys, I don’t have as much of a problem with Severus as you two seem to. But one day you’re going to take things too far and someone’s going to get hurt! I just don’t want to see you guys get into trouble or worse because of him!”

Sirius turned to Pettigrew. “What do you think, Wormtail? Should we stop?”

Pettigrew hesitated for a moment. “I think it’s funny,” he replied. 

“That’s not good enough!” Remus insisted.

“Arrogant people like him need to be taught a lesson,” Pettigrew said. “He can’t be powerful in everything, right?”

Remus shook his head. “Well I don’t want any part of it,” he said. “You guys can go exact justice or whatever you want to call it, but I’m out of it. I have enough problems.”

“Say,” James suddenly piped up. “Does Snivellus know about Remus?”

“I don’t think so,” Sirius. “Unless Lucius told him in our First Year. But I get the impression that Lucius hasn’t said a word.”

“Except to Wormtail here,” James reminded them.

“That was a long time ago!” Pettigrew shot back. “I haven’t said a word about you, Moony! I swear it!”

“Good, because if anyone knows, Wormtail, he’s out, and if he’s out, your arse is in danger of being Crucioed!” James seethed.

“That’s not fair! You’d have to prove that I was the one who blabbed!” Pettigrew said angrily.

“Exactly,” Sirius said. “My brother knows, too, and he’s not exactly one to keep his stupid mouth shut.”

“Can we dispense with the idle threats, please?” Remus interjected.

But James wouldn’t let the issue drop the next day. Though it was a Hogsmeade day, or perhaps because it was, James remained surly and quiet that morning. Throughout breakfast he glared at Severus, still chatting and laughing with Regulus and the others, and when Lily passed by to hand him a parchment, he nearly leapt out of his seat at the Gryffindor table.

“He had better keep his hands off her,” he muttered unconsciously.

“What was that?” Sirius asked, slathering his toast with cream cheese and marmalade.

“Nothing.”

“So what are you going to do whilst we’re gone today?” Pettigrew asked Sirius.

Sirius shrugged. “Get ready for tonight, I guess. Full moon, right?”

“You okay, Moony?” James asked, patting a pale Remus on the back.

“Stomachache,” Remus replied. He had barely touched his food. “I’m going to come back early today probably, have a lie-down before nightfall.”

Sirius stood up. “Hey, I’ll see you guys tonight at you-know-where, right?”

“Are you allowed to go there?” Pettigrew asked. “I thought you were gated.”

“I am gated, but as far as I know, that’s just about Hogsmeade. Dumbledore wouldn’t keep me from the shack.”

“We should call it the Shrieking Shack,” James mused. “That should keep the riffraff away, right?”

Instead of returning to his room straightaway, Sirius decided to seek out his brother, hoping to catch him before he left for Hogsmeade. He didn’t see him in the Great Hall, so he supposed Regulus must still be in Slytherin, getting ready to leave. Sirius walked swiftly, thinking that he might be able to get his brother alone for a few minutes, but by the time he arrived at Slytherin, it was crowded with older students, all clamouring down the hallway, headed out for their day away from school. Sirius looked all over for Regulus, but couldn’t see him anywhere, that is, until the door shut and the last two people emerged: Regulus and Severus.

Sirius’ spine stiffened, but he decided to approach his brother anyway. The two Slytherins took one look at Sirius and walked right past him without a word. Sirius followed.

“Hey!” he called out, but they didn’t turn around. “Regulus!” No response. They walked a few more feet, and then Regulus suddenly whipped around, charged at Sirius, grabbing him by the front of his robes and slamming him into the wall.

“Leave me alone!” Regulus growled, his face contorted with a rage Sirius had never seen before.

“Hey!” Sirius barked. “I just…”

“You stay the hell away from me!” He grabbed Sirius’ robes again and shook him, hard.

“Listen to me, Regulus!” Sirius gave him a shove, breaking out of Regulus’ grasp.

“Hell with you!” Regulus shouted. “Filthy blood-traitor!”

Sirius decided he wasn’t going to let his own brother get away with that. He grabbed Regulus as he so often had done in fun, pulling him into a strong headlock. This time, however, instead of laughing and wrestling him back as they used to, Regulus made a hard fist and punched Sirius square in the back, making him howl in pain. Regulus twisted himself away from Sirius, straightened his robes and his hair, and marched off with Severus, telling blood-traitor jokes and laughing loud and long.

“See?” Severus said in a low voice, “They’re all the same.” Regulus replied with a haughty sniff, then slapped Severus on the back and laughed, launching into a new joke about…Sirius wasn’t quite sure.

As a stunned Sirius Black watched the two of them disappear around the corner, he wondered whether he would ever really see his brother again. All he knew now was that he hated Severus Snape almost as much as he hated the Dark Lord. One day, he resolved, Snape would pay.


	22. Sibling Rivalry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The first sight to hit his eyes was the massive Slytherin banner draped across Regulus’ wall, right over his bed, which was also adorned in Slytherin green and silver. Sirius shuddered slightly as he gaped at the mass of photos of Regulus with all his friends, with Cassius Avery and Damien Mulciber and Severus and Barty Crouch...and one of Lucius Malfoy as well. In that particular photograph, Lucius had a hand on Regulus’ shoulder as Regulus gazed adoringly into Lucius’ eyes. Next to it was a picture of Narcissa and Bella, laughing and making funny faces for the camera. There were no pictures of Sirius._

Finally, Sirius finished an entire term with perfect O grades, an accomplishment that excited him to no end. Something inside him wanted to rush home and show his grades to his mother, eager to hear her words of congratulations. Of course, as things were these days, Sirius knew he’d be lucky to hear even a “hello” out of his mother. She sent him not a single letter since his truancy, and nor did his father or even Narcissa, who had always written to Sirius on a fairly regular basis. He reckoned Lucius made her stop.

Good marks didn’t take the place of a lost brother, however, and as the Christmas holiday neared, Sirius wondered what he would say to Regulus once they were home. One thing he was sure of was that he no longer had to pretend to like Cassius or Damien or the other, and for the first time since he started at Hogwarts, Sirius decided to join his friends in their compartment on the Hogwarts Express.

“Aren’t you supposed to be with the purebloods?” James asked with a snigger as Sirius heaved his trunk into the overhead rack.

“You’re pureblooded, right? All of you are, well, I don’t really know how to classify you, Moony,” Sirius replied. “Say, where’s Evans? I thought you’d trap her under the mistletoe, Prongs.”

James laughed. “Close call, but sadly, she escaped.”

“Better luck next time,” Sirius replied.

“Well if you run away again, Padfoot, I’ll have a housewarming party for you, and I’ll be sure to invite her,” James said.

“Why do you keep calling him Padfoot?” Pettigrew asked. He scratched his chin and tore open a chocolate frog.

Sirius clapped his hands three times and thrust his palms in Pettigrew’s face, waggling all his fingers. “Hello, Wormy!”

“Get your hands out of my face!” Pettigrew said, waving Sirius away. “I get it, alright?”

“Hey, I’m not calling you Wormtail any more,” Sirius said with a laugh.

“Good,” Pettigrew grumbled. “I hate that name.”

“I’m calling you Mr. Thicky,” Sirius went on.

James frowned in mock frustration. “You do understand why we call you Wormtail, right?”

“Yeah!”

James pointed to his backside. “You know, you’ve got that long thing back there and…”

“I get it, Potter!” Pettigrew snapped. He opened another chocolate frog.

“Yeah, it makes up for that short thing he’s got in the front!” Sirius added. James and Remus snorted, but Pettigrew turned bright red. He crumpled up the packet and chucked it at Sirius.

“Oh ha ha,” he said with disgust.

“Speaking of that,” James said, “are you seeing anything of Janis Nott this holiday?”

Now Sirius blushed. “You mean is my mother going to have me molested again?”

“Enjoy it whilst you can get it, mate, even if it is with a total slag,” James quipped.

“That’s so wrong,” Remus said with a laugh. “What if he gets a disease from her? You don’t know where she’s been!”

“What if he gets her up the duff?” Pettigrew added. “Then you really will have to leave the school.”

“Mother would just kidnap the baby and never let me see it,” Sirius replied dismissively. “I hope I never breed.”

“You don’t mean that,” Remus declared. “You’d be a great father!”

“Right, Moony, the recovering Death Eater will be a great father!” Sirius laughed. “Now Potter here will do just fine! But I suspect his children will be crazy redheads somehow.”

Remus nodded. “Of course, it also helps things romantically when the wife in question doesn’t keep calling you a ponce and a twit.”

“Hey, Potter,” Sirius added, “let’s just hope the kid has Lily’s eyes! Otherwise, he’ll be as blind as you!”

The thought made James grin wickedly for a moment. “You guys think she’d...I mean, if tried to be nice, you know, do you think she might...”

“...not slap you?” Remus added. “I think we can guarantee that, Prongs. Whether she’ll sleep with you is another question.”

Pettigrew turned purple.

“Sleep with me!” James crowed. “I’ll be happy with a date for starters! I’ll be happy not to be scolded for a change! We’ll get to the sex later, like after the wedding?”

“Goodness,” Remus laughed. “Are we old enough to be having this conversation?”

Sirius winked at him. “Well Wormtail isn’t, but then again, we’re still waiting for his balls to drop!” The Marauders exploded in laughter, including Pettigrew.

As the train pulled into Kings Cross late that afternoon, everyone scrambled for trunks, bags, robes, cauldrons. James watched everyone casually, tossing a snitch in his hand while Pettigrew struggled to shut his bursting, dark brown trunk. Sirius glanced out the window, seeing his parents waiting for him and Regulus. His heart skipped a beat, and he wondered what they would say.

He hadn’t caused them any trouble as of late. Sirius had mostly kept to himself, and despite the pranks on Severus, he hadn’t caused too many problems. True, he had become nearly inseparable from the Marauders, but his occasional encounters with a very forgiving Janis Nott, he hoped, caused enough doubt in his intentions. Of course, Regulus wasn’t fooled for a moment. Sirius wondered what Regulus had told their parents, however, the moment he approached them, he got his answer.

Mrs. Black was effusive, affectionate, thrilled...with Regulus. She hugged him, petted his hair, whispered sweet things in his ear, kissed his cheeks and patted his back. And then she caught sight of Sirius.

“Get the bags,” she said coldly.

Regulus threw him a quick glance, but turned his attention back to his doting parents. Mr. Black snapped his fingers at Sirius as if he were reprimanding a misbehaving House Elf. Sirius hesitated for a moment, but then, groaning impatiently, stooped down to grab both his own and Regulus’ trunks, lugging them behind him with some difficulty. He hoped James couldn’t see what was going on.

* * * *

As usual, the Black home was all decorated for the upcoming holiday, decked out in silver and green sparkling everywhere. There was a time when Sirius loved coming home to all the splendor of the holiday season. He could remember sweet times as a boy reveling in all the pomp and ceremony of those precious days when for once, his parents were a little less strict and a little more civil. These days, however, Sirius hardly knew his family any more.

The bags were just a start to what turned out to be a very long, extremely arduous holiday for Sirius.

The Blacks’ driver nearly left the station without him. The very second Sirius had struggled to get the trunks into the boot of the car, the engine revved up, threatening to leave straightaway, and it was only Regulus who fortunately made him stop and let Sirius into the back seat. When they arrived at Grimmauld Place, however, Mrs. Black nearly let the front door slam in Sirius’ face, and indoors, even the House Elves were instructed to ignore Sirius almost entirely.

Sirius knew what was going on, and he knew that he would have to make the effort to get back into his parents’ good graces. The big question for Sirius, however, was whether he wanted to. After all, these were the people who killed an innocent girl and her parents. They were the people who had Sirius tortured and then molested and brainwashed. They had cajoled his younger brother to look upon him with suspicion and scorn, something which tore at Sirius’ heart. Thankfully, Kreacher took over custody of the bags once everyone was inside the house. Regulus disappeared into his room, leaving Sirius alone in the stairwell.

The air in the house suddenly felt thick and heavy in his nostrils, nearly unbearable. Sirius could detect a strange odour of...he wasn’t sure what is was, to be honest. Sirius threw off his cloak and dashed up the stairs, two at a time, heading at first to his own room but, stopping at Regulus’ door, he paused, tempted. Sirius turned to face Regulus’ door, hand raised to knock. But should he? Should he pass by? Should he barge in? No, he had to do it properly. Sirius stepped forward, making his first move to knock. But wait. No, not yet. But if not now, when?

He knocked, softly at first, but with no answer, louder.

A voice rang out from within. “What?”

Sirius jiggled the doorknob. “Let me in, Reg,” he said in a low voice.

“Piss off, blood-traitor!”

“Come on, Reg! Let me the hell in!”

“I said, piss off!”

“Let me in! We need to talk!”

Nothing. No response. Sirius panicked for a moment, but then…finally, the lock clicked and the door opened slightly. Sirius entered his brother’s room, then shut the door quickly behind him, fearful that his mother might interfere.

The first sight to hit his eyes was the massive Slytherin banner draped across Regulus’ wall, right over his bed, which was also adorned in Slytherin green and silver. Sirius shuddered slightly as he gaped at the mass of photos of Regulus with all his friends, with Cassius Avery and Damien Mulciber and Severus and Barty Crouch...and one of Lucius Malfoy as well. In that particular photograph, Lucius had a hand on Regulus’ shoulder as Regulus gazed adoringly into Lucius’ eyes. Next to it was a picture of Narcissa and Bella, laughing and making funny faces for the camera. There were no pictures of Sirius.

Regulus sat down on his bed and glared at Sirius. “So, what do you want?”

Sirius frowned. “What’s with the attitude these days?” he asked.

“I don’t know what you mean,” Regulus replied coolly.

Sirius sat down next to Regulus, who quickly shifted two feet away from him. “You know damn well what I mean, Reg!” Sirius said hotly. “Treating me like I’m some sort of bloody troll or something! What’s gotten into you these days? You never treated me like this before!”

Regulus scoffed at that. “Oh please, Sirius, I know all about you!”

“You don’t know the first thing about me, so don’t pull that crap on me!”

Regulus pointed an accusing finger at Sirius. “That Potter boy has poisoned you! I know what you two get up to! He’s got you set against us and that’s why you’re acting like this! I hate it, Sirius! I hate what he’s done to you!”

“Regulus, you have no idea what you’re talking about!”

“I do!”

“Look at you! You’re so brainwashed by mother and all that stuff she jams down our throats, and...I’ve changed, Regulus, that’s all I can say! I don’t get why a difference of opinion should make you so hateful towards me!”

Regulus laughed derisively at that. “Are you joking? You turn yourself against the family and you wonder why I might have a problem with that? You’re not that stupid, Sirius!”

“We’ve disagreed about things before, Regulus, you know that! But you’ve always been able to set disagreements aside, I mean, look at what happened over the summer! You were good to me, Regulus, after Mother and Bella abused me! You took care of me when I was in so much pain, and I’ll never forget that.”

It suddenly occurred to Sirius that they were shouting at each other at the top of their lungs. Not wanting their mother to barge in on them, Sirius jumped up and took a deep breath.

“Look, Regulus,” he said, calmer now, “you have to understand that…”

“NO!” Regulus replied hotly. “You left me!”

“They killed my girlfriend!” Sirius was shouting again. “What did you expect?”

“Not just here!” Regulus shot back. “At school, too! You totally shut me out! You spend all your time running about with Potter and Lupin and that Pettigrew oaf and you never talk to me any more! You never visit and you never even look at me!”

Sirius was struck dumb, incapable of a response. “I...I had no idea, Regulus,” he finally said, quietly this time. “Regulus, I’m sorry.”

“You play this Mr. Morally Superior role now that you’re all tolerant of mudblood filth, and then you turn around and you don’t even tolerate your own brother!”

“What can I say, Regulus?” Sirius demanded. “I’m sorry, alright?” 

“Spare me, Sirius,” Regulus said. “It’s too late. You’ve been replaced.”

Sirius frowned, knowing what his brother was about to say. Still, he had to ask. “Replaced? By whom? Who is your big brother now, Regulus?”

Regulus held his head high, his shoulders back proudly. “Severus.”

“Severus?” Sirius barked. “You must be joking!”

“Severus respects me!”

“He doesn’t respect anyone but his pathetic self!”

“That’s not true!” Regulus shot back. “And he pays attention to me! He listens to me. He treats me like I matter, unlike YOU!”

“Severus is using you to get to the Dark Lord, Regulus,” Sirius snapped. He felt bad saying it, but he was convinced he was correct. “You can’t be so stupid as to think otherwise.”

Regulus’ face fell. Indignant, he marched to the door and threw it open. “Get out of my room,” he said coldly.

“You don’t know the first thing about Severus! None of us do!” Sirius explained.

“Get out of…”

“He’s not a pureblood, Regulus! He’s only pretending!”

“You don’t know that.”

“There is no record of a Snape in the wizarding world, Regulus! No record of any pureblooded line called Snape! He just says so to be accepted by you and the rest of the aspiring Death Eaters in your house. Don’t you get it? He’s…”

“GET OUT OF MY ROOM!” Regulus bellowed.

Aghast at this development, Sirius shut his eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath. His heart pounded and suddenly, he felt lightheaded. “Fine,” Sirius said simply. But at the threshold of the door, he stopped and turned to face his brother. “You may not believe me now, Regulus, but I still care about you, and I’ll never stop looking out for you.”

Regulus narrowed his eyes at him. “You stopped looking out for me two years ago. Don’t think you can start up now.” Giving Sirius a vicious shove into the corridor, Regulus slammed the door shut, locking it again.

Breathless, Sirius could only stare blankly at his brother’s closed door, wondering frantically what had just happened.


	23. The Christmas Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _What would he say to the Dark Lord? How could he possibly cover up the fact that the total opposite had happened? After all, the Dark Lord knew about Cecilia despite Sirius’ efforts to conceal her identity. If he tried to lie to him again, what would happen? Sirius cringed at the thought of suffering under the Cruciatus Curse again--he barely survived it the first time, and now, he wasn’t so sure he could take that again. Could he set his rebellion aside, just for a night, to keep himself from being Crucioed? The thought tore at Sirius all day long, to the point of distraction._

For the first three nights back home, Sirius was to eat with the House Elves, in the dark of the kitchen. Correction, he had to sit on the floor in the corner near the back door, which Mrs. Black ordered to stay open in order to let in the icy cold air. All he got was thin broth and old bread crusts, some of which Sirius was certain had a little mold on them. 

For some reason he couldn’t articulate, Sirius decided not to complain or even to run away. Instead, he went along with every step of his mother’s edicts, telling himself that maybe some of this really was his own fault. Maybe Regulus had a point, that Sirius had allowed himself to get so caught up in the map and the Marauders and James that he left his little brother behind to fend for himself against the likes of Severus Snape. What chance had he given Regulus, after all?

Maybe he was wrong to hate Severus so much, Sirius reluctantly reasoned. After all, if Lily was right about the way his father mistreated him, then maybe Severus was just trying to escape from a terrible family situation. It wasn’t Severus’ fault that he was abused by his father, was it? Then again…

Sirius set down his moldy bread crust, his heart filled with new anger. Who did Severus think he was, imposing himself on someone like Regulus? Regulus was so young, so insecure and clingy, so completely uncertain of his own footing in the world. Didn’t Severus get it? Severus was a perceptive bloke, a true master of fallible human nature. Sirius had to admit that Severus knew far more than most, and not just about magic. Severus had this innate way of knowing people’s deepest, darkest desires, and he knew how to exploit that as well. Perhaps that was what made Sirius so apprehensive and resentful of Severus, that Severus knew Regulus on a far deeper level than anyone, family included.

And he was as ambitious as the next Slytherin, only as far as Sirius was concerned, Severus’ ambitions were disordered and destructive. He knew it was only a matter of time before Severus had ingratiated himself to the rest of the family, all for the sake of getting to the Dark Lord. But what could Sirius do about that? As much as he detested Severus, he didn’t necessarily want to see him go the way of Bellatrix and Lucius and so many others. To have one fewer Death Eater in the world, Sirius concluded, would be a blessing. But who was there to say “no” to Severus? Not Regulus. Not Cassius or Damien or Barty. Not even Lily. But if no one dissuaded him from becoming a Death Eater, then what would that ultimately mean for Regulus?

Sirius couldn’t help but feel totally helpless once again. He knew all too well that Regulus didn’t have it in him to run off or stand up to their mother. Regulus had made that much clear that afternoon in Diagon Alley, when he had begged Sirius to come home from the Potters’. 

Sirius wondered at the difference between the two of them just then. How could it be that two boys from the same two parents could be so different in temperament? When they were children it didn’t matter so much. They could run and play and wrestle and swim all day long, but now, as young men with the world before them, everything had changed. They had so many critical choices to make now, all of which would have an effect on the rest of their lives. Sirius knew he could renege on his past...heresy...and simply return home, as Regulus wanted, but to do that would bring him nothing but unhappiness. Too much had happened, and his heart had been broken too many times for him to be able to go back.

And so, Sirius took his new punishment in stride and waited.

* * * *

On Christmas morning, Sirius’ banishment came to a sudden and decisive end. He was rattled awake from an uncomfortable slumber on the back porch, by a swift kick in the ribs by Mrs. Black.

“Get up,” she snapped, marching back into the house.

With some effort, Sirius shook the snowflakes off his robes, which he had wrapped tightly around himself, and got shakily to his feet, rubbing his side. The last three mornings had been just like this. Barred from his room and his very comfortable bed, Sirius had been forced not only to eat on the kitchen floor but to sleep on the steps into the back garden. The first night had been the easiest, in a sense--rather than sleep, Sirius had spent the night indulging in murderous thoughts about his mother and how he would plot revenge against her. The second night was exhausting--as tired as Sirius was, he simply couldn’t get comfortable, no matter what he tried. It snowed the third night, leaving him with aching bones and head cold.

Sirius gratefully warmed himself by the hearth in the kitchen whilst Kreacher ordered the other House Elves about, barking orders for tonight’s Christmas feast.

“The Dark Lord will only eat simple foods,” he told one Elf. “And no meat. He is a strict vegetarian. Be sure the bread you serve him is whole grain only, and that the vegetables are absolutely fresh.”

“The Dark Lord is coming tonight?” Sirius asked.

Kreacher threw him a fierce glare. “Ah yes, Master Sirius, the Dark Lord will be here, oh yes. And my Mistress will have him ask for a report on Master Sirius’ project to turn the Potter boy. Kreacher will hope that Master Sirius has a worthy response for the Dark Lord.” He cackled and stomped off to bark out more orders, leaving Sirius shaken and nervous.

What would he say? How could he possibly cover up the fact that the total opposite had happened? After all, the Dark Lord knew about Cecilia despite Sirius’ efforts to conceal her identity. If he tried to lie to him again, what would happen? Sirius cringed at the thought of suffering under the Cruciatus Curse again--he barely survived it the first time, and now, he wasn’t so sure he could take that again. Could he set his rebellion aside, just for a night, to keep himself from being Crucioed?

The thought tore at Sirius all day long, to the point of distraction. After his confrontation with Regulus, Sirius knew there was no way his brother would back him up or help him in the slightest--he’d been replaced, or so Regulus believed. He could run away again, but Sirius hedged at that, still hoping that there was some way he could get through to Regulus. He had suffered the Cruciatus Curse for Regulus once--could he endure it again? Of course, there was no guarantee that Bella would administer it this time. Sirius gulped at the thought that the Dark Lord himself might do it. And if the Dark Lord himself punished Sirius, would he merely stop at the Cruciatus Curse? Sirius knew the man well enough to know that he faced unending days and nights of sheer horror.

There were no presents for Sirius that day, though he was permitted to sit with the family at breakfast. Naturally, everyone served themselves first, leaving little for Sirius to eat--a small portion of egg, a fatty crumb of sausage, a half tomato slice, and cold tea. Sirius’ stomach rumbled uncomfortably, but he tried to ignore it and convince himself that he was grateful at least not to be eating moldy bread. Regulus took the last piece of toast but again, Sirius said nothing.

Without a word to him the entire meal, the rest of the family finished eating and retired to the salon to read and relax and spend the rest of the morning just being together. Sirius was not allowed in the salon but instead, was relegated to his bedroom, where he spent the rest of the day without lunch, without company, without as much as a word directed at him. In a way, he enjoyed the peace and quiet. He changed out of his dirty robes and donned a new set, something his mother had bought him a few months ago but he hadn’t yet worn. With so little food these days, the robes were a bit loose on him.

Sirius wondered how James was. He supposed that Christmas at the Potters was a happy affair, with lots of food, music, laughter and games. No such luck at the Black mansion. His mother only celebrated the day with a fancy dinner and presents--any other acknowledgment of the holiday was considered “muggle superstition.” With the Dark Lord’s impending arrival, Sirius felt the absence of his friends that much more painfully. As the day wore on, the urge to run off nagged at him, but again and again, Sirius resisted, wanting nothing more than to speak to Regulus again, to try and start over, to make up for his neglect.

The house glittered that night, all in silver and green. Mrs. Black went out of her way to make sure every detail had been attended to, from the sheen on the silverware to the number of porcelain plates, to the flavoring of each hors d’oeuvre and each course of the sumptuous feast that awaited all her guests, the Dark Lord most importantly. Every inch of the house had been scrubbed assiduously, every tabletop polished to a glorious shine, all stains and other imperfections dutifully hexed away. The Blacks were ready, though Sirius wished he could retreat to the comfortable privacy of his bedroom.

The Malfoys arrived at six o’clock on the dot, followed closely by the Black sisters, plus the Lestranges, the Mulcibers, the Notts, the Dolohovs, the Averys and finally, the Rosier family, who were a full half hour late. This would be a festive affair, all to sit at the feet of the Dark Lord, taking in all his new and radical ideas. For Regulus, it was a reunion with all his school chums. For Sirius, it was sheer torment. No sooner did Evan Rosier, a big, bulky boy in Regulus’ year, take one look at Sirius than he strode over, arms folded across his barrel of a chest and grunted with disgust.

“Looks weedy,” he snorted. “That’s what happens when they associate with blood-traitor filth.”

Sirius glared at him. “Nice to see you, too, Rosier. I see you’re busy packing it away every night.”

Though Evan was a bit shorter than Sirius, he had a way of towering over him. Narrowing his eyes at Sirius, he stepped closer, nostrils flaring.

“Don’t stand that close unless you plan to go all the way, mate,” Sirius sneered.

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you, you pansy?”

Sirius smirked. “I don’t know. My brother is more of an expert on that sort of thing.”

Regulus stopped in mid-laugh, stunned by Sirius’ accusation. He clenched his fists until his knuckles turned white, but before he could shout at Sirius, Lucius glided to the rescue, placing a protective hand on Regulus’ shoulder.

“Never mind him, Regulus,” Lucius purred. “Wasn’t he eating the miserable leftovers from the House Elves only yesterday?”

Evan snorted derisively. “That’s more than a blood-traitor deserves,” he grunted. “I can’t wait until the Dark Lord gets his hands on that scum.”

“He’ll kick your arse, Black,” Cassius said, practically in Sirius’ ear.

“He might even decide to kill you,” Damien added with a laugh. “That would be a sight to see!”

“Nah,” Regulus said smugly. “You don’t kill maggots. You exterminate them.”

Sirius suppressed the desire to yell and scream at his brother just then, preferring to look him coldly in the eye. “You can amuse yourself all you want at my expense, you ridiculous child. Nothing you spew out means a thing to me.”

Out of nowhere, Mrs. Black intruded upon the scene, frowning deeply. “Now now, boys, I will not have this in my house,” she lectured. “Leave my son’s fate to me, and enjoy the party!”

“When is he coming, Mrs. Black?” Evan asked. “The Dark Lord?”

“When he’s damn well ready!” Regulus crowed. His mother glared at him.

“Regulus, when will you learn to govern your tongue, especially when you dare to speak of the Dark Lord? You are, however, correct, or nearly so. He has some business to attend to and then he’ll be along.”

Regulus laughed, undaunted by his mother’s temper. “Maybe he’s busy killing blood-traitors!”

Sirius blanched slightly, knowing full well that this could actually be true. He hoped James was alright. He hoped Lily was alright, too. As Sirius wandered amongst his parents’ friends and cohorts, he couldn’t help but feel a far distance from everyone. It amazed him, mostly because it wasn’t so long ago that he had felt so comfortable in their company. In a way it angered him because he was forced to be a stranger in his own house, but at the same time, Sirius felt a huge burden lift from his shoulders, as if somehow he had rid himself of some terrible oppression for good.

And then the Dark Lord showed up, earlier than expected. It was his usual custom to arrive well after midnight, but tonight, the Dark Lord seemed eager to be at the party and eager especially to socialise with all present, Sirius included. Sirius watched him carefully, forensically analyzing every move the man made as he circulated through the chatting crowd. Rather, it was as if the crowd circulated entirely around him, approaching him with deference, eager to bend his ear and take in his powerful essence. The Dark Lord shook hands with Mr. Malfoy but allowed Lucius to bow to him. He mussed Regulus’ black hair as if he were his father, yet he barely acknowledged Narcissa at all. Not once did he eat or drink anything at all, even water or broth.

Eventually, the Dark Lord approached Sirius, who by now sat in a dark corner, not speaking to anyone. When he approached, Sirius instinctively shut his mind as best he could, knowing what the Dark Lord would ask him. But instead of asking him a thing, the Dark Lord placed a talon-like hand on Sirius’ knee.

“Let’s take a walk,” he said quietly.

Sirius gulped, but he knew he didn’t have the option to say no. Thus, he stood, heart beating hard and fast, and followed the Dark Lord out the door, into the back garden, not knowing whether he would survive the next few minutes.


	24. Coming Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _The Dark Lord walked five paces ahead of him leading Sirius into a far, dark corner of the back garden. He stopped at the edge of Mrs. Black’s rose garden, but he didn’t turn to face Sirius. Rather, Sirius had to walk around the Dark Lord, which forced him to press against the sharp rose thorns. The Dark Lord did not move, regardless of Sirius’ discomfort. Instead, he looked Sirius straight in the eye with that strange, red, snakelike glare, so lethal in its intensity._

He trembled in fear.

Sirius knew that this upcoming conversation could go one of two ways. Either he could successfully lie to the Dark Lord and remain alive, or he could come clean and die a violent, agonising death. He knew the Dark Lord too well to suspect otherwise, and of course, Sirius thought bitterly about what had happened to Cecilia. All his efforts to protect her and keep her in the back of his mind failed miserably, and now she and her parents were dead. Sirius sighed.

He would have to tell the truth.

The fresh air outside felt at once bracing in its chill yet comforting somehow. Perhaps it was because Sirius always liked the winter months and the snow and the cozy moments he used to spend with his brother or his friends by the roaring hearth. The cold always brought a happy feeling to Sirius, even now, facing certain death at the Dark Lord’s hands.

The Dark Lord walked five paces ahead of him leading Sirius into a far, dark corner of the back garden. He stopped at the edge of Mrs. Black’s rose garden, but he didn’t turn to face Sirius. Rather, Sirius had to walk around the Dark Lord, which forced him to press against the sharp rose thorns. The Dark Lord did not move, regardless of Sirius’ discomfort. Instead, he looked Sirius straight in the eye with that strange, red, snakelike glare, so lethal in its intensity.

“You are aware of the time, are you not, Sirius?” he hissed.

“The time?”

“Your project shall reach its culmination within just a few very short months. Do I need to remind you of that?”

Sirius could feel his throat tighten. Was that his own tension or was the Dark Lord doing something to him? “No, sir,” he croaked. “I am well aware.”

The Dark Lord looked deep into Sirius’ dark eyes, yet Sirius did not turn away this time. Nor did he endeavour to hide his thoughts from him. The Dark Lord frowned.

“Tell me, Sirius, what will you do to complete the project? Specifically, what plans and strategies do you have to turn Mr. Potter to our side?”

Sirius braced himself, knowing that in a very short amount of time, he would likely be writhing in sheer agony under the Cruciatus Curse. But...he couldn’t do it any more. He was finished.

“Sir, I...I have no plans to continue the project,” Sirius confessed. He looked down for a moment, trying to gather his courage.

The Dark Lord narrowed his eyes at him, and for a brief moment, his hand twitched, instinctively directed towards his wand. But then he stopped, now looking at Sirius with casual amusement.

“And why is that, Sirius?” he asked.

Sirius paused. “Because I can no longer...follow you.”

“Have you become a blood-traitor, Sirius?”

“I am a traitor to no one, sir,” Sirius replied, a little more strongly this time. He squared his shoulders and looked the Dark Lord in the eye. “I simply do not share your views of the wizarding world.”

“I see,” the Dark Lord replied, calm and cool as ever. He stepped back, smirking mysteriously at Sirius. “Well then, I shall let you go about your business.”

That was it? What was that all about? Sirius stood there, entirely flummoxed by the Dark Lord’s response.

“You should be grateful to me, Sirius,” the Dark Lord added, “that I am much more merciful than your mother, your cousin, or, I daresay, the vast majority of the people in that house. I cannot guarantee your safety, unfortunately. And now, good night, Sirius Black.” He turned to leave, but then he stopped, grinning widely. “Oh yes, be sure to say hello to your Potter friend. You might wish to check on his health, along with that ginger-haired filth you seem to like.”

With that, he returned to the house, leaving Sirius alone and shaken. True, the man had spared him the Cruciatus Curse, but at the same time, he left Sirius in a state of perpetual dread. Sirius couldn’t help but to feel guilt all over again--he still blamed himself for Cecilia’s death, and now, with James’ life threatened, Sirius didn’t know how he would react should anything happen. But would it? He suspected this was far more than an idle threat, and Sirius couldn’t help but feel deeply resentful of the Dark Lord just then--he would treat Sirius like a toy, then discard him when he tired of him.

Sirius did not return to the party. Instead, he transformed into a dog, burrowed his way under a gap beneath the back wall and trotted down the street, never wanting to become human again.

* * * *

He did return, however, not right away. Sirius needed time to think and fret and plan his next step. He knew he had to warn James of impending danger, and that Lily should be warned as well. As a muggle-born, she was a prime target, and not just to cause pain to Sirius. The Dark Lord had a new reason to resent the Potters, and as a gifted Legilimens, he could easily ascertain what Lily meant to James.

But Sirius didn’t rush to James straight away. That would be an expected move, so he decided to be cautious. Sirius reasoned that it was best to play it safe, falling instead back on his skills as a chess player. In wizard chess, he had learned the value of the sneak attack, as well as how to conceal his strategy. Of course, this was the Dark Lord he was now contending with, not just James or Remus or any other peer. Thus the need to be as cunning as possible, all the while putting on a brave face and trying to stay in his mother’s good graces as long as he could endure it.

When he arrived home, Sirius was greeted by a sullen Regulus, who only snarled at him as he passed him on the way to the dining room for breakfast.

“Hey,” Sirius said lightly.

“Screw you,” Regulus grumbled.

“How did the rest of the party go?”

“Like you care.”

“I do care, Regulus. I care about you anyway.”

Incensed, Regulus charged at him, slamming him into the wall. “How could you?” he seethed.

Sirius shook him off and straightened his robes. “Regulus, it’s like I said to the Dark Lord, I can’t do this any more. I’m not telling you not to or anything. But for me, I just can’t. You’re just going to have to get used to it.”

“You said you wouldn’t leave me again, Sirius! You promised me!”

“Wait just a second!” Sirius shot back. “You’ve been treating me like shit all term long, and now you accuse me of leaving you? Gods, you really are a spoilt brat!”

“I already told you,” Regulus retorted, “you never show me any regard at all at school! Why shouldn’t I be mad?”

“Sticking together goes both ways, Regulus!” Sirius said hotly. “You totally turned your back on me a long time ago, so I don’t know why you’re so upset now. What about all that shit you and Severus talk about me? Why should I have to put up with that?”

“But when my time comes and I enter the organisation, I’m going to end up being alone because you decided to be a selfish jerk!”

“You don’t have to join the organisation, Regulus. You can choose not to.”

Regulus glared at him as if Sirius had just slugged him in the jaw. Angry tears welled in his eyes, but he held them back. “I hate you.” With that, he stomped out of the house, leaving his breakfast and Sirius far behind.

For a moment, Sirius thought to run after him, get him to calm down and see reason. He balked, though, wondering whether that was a good idea. That would be impulsive, and Sirius knew that he couldn’t just keep running off--he needed his parents trust now more than ever. This break with the Dark Lord wasn’t just bad for Sirius, but for the whole family. After all, Sirius remembered how angry the Dark Lord was when Andromeda ran off with Ted Tonks--despite years of loyal service and fellowship, the Blacks were nearly thrown out.

As he ate his toast and eggs and bacon, Sirius pondered how he would speak to his mother. Surely she would arrive for breakfast at any moment, yet Sirius had no idea what to say. What could he say? He was done with lying and pretending, though he knew that the truth would not bring him peace, at least as long as he remained at home. But with Regulus so upset, how could Sirius leave him again?

He washed down the last bit of bacon with his tea, but before he could escape back into the privacy of his room, Mrs. Black came in, looking very tired and very upset. Sirius noticed for the first time that his mother’s eyes were red...could it be from tears? Did she have it in her to weep for her lost son? Or were they tears about something else? Maybe the Dark Lord threatened her again. Sirius didn’t know what to think.

“Mother,” he said politely. He vanished his breakfast dishes to the kitchen.

She sat down and served herself a small amount of egg, no bacon, and only a glass of water. Without looking at Sirius, she ate quietly while Sirius waited and watched, wondering what would happen next. Once finished with her breakfast, Mrs. Black stood up and walked right out of the room, again without a single word to Sirius.

The silent treatment lasted for the rest of the holiday until the very last moment before Regulus and Sirius left once again for school. Throughout the painfully awkward journey to the station, Mrs. Black fixed an angry stare on Sirius, her eyes boring into his heart like burning lances. He squirmed a little in his seat. Regulus, on the other hand, was uncharacteristically quiet and sullen, staring listlessly out the window at the passing muggle cars. At the station, as the Blacks stood on the platform, heading to the Hogwarts Express, Mrs. Black finally launched into action, stopping Sirius from boarding the train, pulling him roughly aside instead.

“Have you changed your mind?” she asked dangerously.

“No, Mother. No change.”

“You may think you’re done with your project for the Dark Lord, but I do not agree with you.”

“So what?” Sirius sneered.

“You will finish what you started and that is final!”

“I did finish it! I just finished it differently.”

“No, my dear, you are not finished with it. You are not finished until I decide you are finished, and I will not be satisfied until that blood-traitor is one of us. You made a promise to the Dark Lord, and I will see to it personally that you keep it.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes at her. “We’ll just see about that. I have my own mind, Mother, in case you’ve forgotten!”

In a flash, Mrs. Black lunged at him, grabbing him by the robes and shaking him violently. A few passersby stopped and stared, but, afraid of saying a word to the dangerous Walburga Black, quickly moved on.

“You ungrateful, vile little bastard! You live in this house all these years and you DARE to break a sacred promise to the Dark Lord?” she seethed at Sirius.

“Mother, I…”

“And now, to see what you’re doing to your brother!” she hissed, pointing at a shamefaced Regulus, who skulked in the shadows with his father.

Sirius steeled himself. Bringing up Regulus like that seemed cruel to him. More than anything, Sirius wanted to rescue his brother from all that stuff, to get him out from under the influence of his mother and Lucius and Severus. He wanted to kidnap Regulus in that moment, spirit him away to the Potters, despite his protests, and then work on him until Regulus learned to think for himself. But no, that was impossible.

“Mother…” he started.

“He looks up to you, Sirius, and he does not expect his older brother to disgrace the family!” she screeched. “How can you do that to him? You should be ashamed of yourself!” She raised her hand as if to slap him across the face, but a shout across the platform stopped her.

“HEY!” James shouted, barreling towards them, his wand out.

Mrs. Black shoved Sirius back, turning to face James, who by now had grabbed Sirius and started to pull him away.

“You filthy blood-traitor!” she growled. “Who do you…”

“Leave him alone, you bitch!” James snarled.

“James! Stop it!” Sirius shouted.

“But…”

“NO! Leave it!” Sirius shook himself free from James and his mother, straightening his robes. 

Sirius was fully aware that every single person on the platform was now watching the spectacle, and that a good portion of those on the train craned their necks out the window to get a good look. Sirius took a deep breath.

“Good-bye, Mother,” Sirius said coldly, desperate not to show the agony he felt. “I’ll see you this summer.” Turning on his heel, Sirius stormed off, not saying good-bye to his father. James flipped the finger at the two of them and dashed off after Sirius.

Looking straight ahead, his face burning with rage and humiliation, Sirius boarded the train, angrily shoved his trunk into the first available compartment and threw himself onto the seat, labouring to control his shaking hands and his racing, raging thoughts. Sirius became so distracted by his fury that he barely noticed Pettigrew and Remus join them in the compartment. Pettigrew stumbled over Sirius’ trunk, but even the loud noise and the subsequent laughter at his expense didn’t reach Sirius’ notice.

“You looked pissed,” Remus said. He and James hoisted Sirius’ trunk onto the overhead rack, then sat.

“What was that all about out there?” James demanded. “She looked like she was going haul off and hit you!”

“Last ditch effort, I should think,” Sirius replied glumly.

“What do you mean?” Remus asked.

“I broke...I broke with the Dark Lord...to his face,” Sirius confessed.

Silence for a few seconds. For a moment, Sirius felt as if the air had been sucked out of the compartment. He felt the lurch of the train as it slowly moved out of the station, but the Marauders said nothing.

Finally, James broke the silence. “Is it safe for you?”

“No. But...I just couldn’t do it any more. I thought I could, you know, for Regulus, but...I just don’t believe that stuff any more. I haven’t for a long time now, only it’s the first time I had the nerve to...sort of make it official.” Sirius rubbed his eyes for a moment. “Sorry. I’m babbling, aren’t I?”

Remus laughed. “You sound perfectly normal to me!”

“Congratulations, mate,” James said quietly. “So it’s official this time? No turning back?”

Sirius paused. “No. No turning back.”

* * * *

The rest of the term passed relatively peacefully for Sirius. Despite the pain he felt when he first made his decision to break with the Dark Lord, he started to feel lighter these days, as if a terrible burden had finally been lifted from his shoulders. He slept better now, and he had far fewer stomachaches. On top of that, Sirius’ grades improved vastly, and without tutoring from Lily or anyone else. That felt good.

Of course, Project Snivellus continued--how could Sirius resist, especially now that he had liberated himself from any loyalty to the Dark Lord and that old obsession with blood-status? He and James waged fierce battles against Severus wherever they could, in corridors, classrooms, the Great Hall, the shores of the Black Lake, anywhere. Though Sirius and James had become skilled duelers, Severus could hold his own against them, and more often than not, they came out just as poorly off as Severus did. Thankfully, Dumbledore tended to look the other way, though that could not be said for Professor McGonagall.

The war, as it were, culminated during their OWL exams. The Fifth Years had just finished a grueling session, and though they were all exhausted, James and Sirius had just enough mischief in them to cause a little trouble. As they meandered out of the Great Hall, outside to the grounds to relax for a short time, James winked at Sirius.

“He’s right behind us,” he whispered to Sirius.

“What’s his problem?” Sirius replied, a little louder than James.

James laughed. “Say, do you think that if we sort of started something, he might fail his next exam?”

Sirius sniggered at that. “Probably not. You know Sniv, I mean, he never fails anything.”

“Right, except beauty contests!” James joked.

The Marauders set down their bags and reclined on the grass for a while. Remus busied himself studying for the next exam, but James pulled out his Snitch and started tossing it up, quickly snatching it out of the air each time. Winking at Sirius, James grinned and kept playing with the Snitch, knowing full well that Severus was close behind, staring.

“What does he want?” Pettigrew asked quietly, darting his eyes nervously at Severus, then back to James and Sirius.

“He wants a plastic surgeon,” Sirius replied. The three of them laughed.

Out of nowhere the fight flared up, but this one was a little different, mostly because James had taken full charge of the entire incident, and when Severus threw a hex at him that cut his face, that was it for James. To Lily’s horror, James had used a tricky little spell to dangle a struggling Severus high overhead, so that his robes fell over his face, revealing his very white legs and his pathetic greying underpants.

Sirius couldn’t help but shriek with raucous laughter just then. He knew deep down that this was a pretty cruel thing to do, and that they might even get into trouble for this, but for the moment, he didn’t care. Still bitter from his falling out with Regulus, who listened to every word Severus spoke, as if Severus were some sort of pureblooded guru or sage or something, Sirius couldn’t get himself to feel too guilty.

Thankfully, James didn’t actually make the underpants disappear, though he was tempted. But no, that wouldn’t be right with the First Years around. By the time James had let Severus fall to the grass, the very large audience laughed and cheered and hooted at all of them, as if this had become post-exam entertainment. Sirius decided to ignore Lily’s fury over the incident, and in fact, he felt somewhat justified when Severus dared call her a mudblood.

Later that night, however, James looked a little shamefaced as they sat around the common room, munching on popcorn and making summer plans.

“Did we go too far today?” James asked.

Remus frowned. “Do you really have to ask?”

James blushed lightly. “OK, so maybe we did.”

“He deserved it,” Sirius replied. “He’s a menace.”

“Oh come on, Padfoot!” Remus exclaimed. “You’re mad because Severus is close friends with Regulus, but they’ve been close for a long time! This isn’t anything new!”

Sirius shook his head dolefully. “I don’t know, I mean, it’s like I said before, Regulus gets enough bigotry at home and from Lucius Malfoy, and it’s only reinforced here because of Severus Snape!”

“But he hangs around with Mulciber and Avery, too,” Remus reminded him.

“It’s not the same,” Sirius insisted. “Those two are a couple of apes, but Severus is different.” He paused. “I’m scared for him.”

“He’s got to make his own choices,” Remus said. “Just like you.”

But Sirius wasn’t so sure his brother had it in him.


	25. Blood-Traitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _After the ugly incident on the platform, and after the very public, extremely hostile attack on Severus Snape, one thing became increasingly clear to Sirius Black. Going back to Grimmauld Place was an impossibility, that is, unless he wanted to face an early death or a total loss of self. Going back to Grimmauld Place would mean being forced by his mother into doing something that now violated his conscience, and though it pained him to leave Regulus like that, Sirius didn’t feel he had much choice. After all, though the Dark Lord hadn’t actually harmed him physically, his unspoken threat was always in Sirius’ thoughts. But where to go? What to do?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author’s Note: from this point forward, this story will weave in details from my fic “Within the Lair” (M), which is a story about the friendship between Severus Snape and Regulus Black.**

After the ugly incident on the platform, and after the very public, extremely hostile attack on Severus Snape, one thing became increasingly clear to Sirius Black. Going back to Grimmauld Place was an impossibility, that is, unless he wanted to face an early death or a total loss of self. Going back to Grimmauld Place would mean being forced by his mother into doing something that now violated his conscience, and though it pained him to leave Regulus like that, Sirius didn’t feel he had much choice. After all, though the Dark Lord hadn’t actually harmed him physically, his unspoken threat was always in Sirius’ thoughts.

But where to go? What to do? He knew he could stay with the Potters, but Sirius debated whether that was a good idea. It was dangerous enough for James just being Sirius’ friend, so Sirius had to think twice about whether he could expose James to further danger.

“I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, Padfoot,” James insisted that morning at breakfast. “I know a few spells that even Snivellus doesn’t know. I really want you to come with me.”

“I guess I thought I should just rent a flat in London for the summer. I have plenty of money, so that’s not an issue.”

Remus drank down some tea. “Say, does your mother know about your new vault?”

“I doubt it,” Sirius said.

“But she’ll find out, right?”

“Probably. I don’t care, Moony. If she wants her money back, she can bloody well have it! She can choke on it for all I care.” His attention was suddenly distracted by Regulus’ loud braying at Sirius’ expense, at the far end of the Slytherin table.

“My brother is threatening to run off to Potter’s,” he said loudly, for all to hear. “Personally I can’t wait! I hate the stink of blood-traitors fouling up the house.”

A few at the Slytherin table, Severus included, chuckled lightly. Sirius glared at the lot of them.

“I don’t think Snivellus learned his lesson,” Sirius seethed.

“Calm down, Padfoot,” Remus cautioned him. “Forget it and finish your toast.”

Encouraged by the favorable reaction from his fellow Slytherins, and more specifically, from Severus, Regulus continued. “I hear that my brother and Potter…uh…get UP to more than just fiddling with their wands when they’re alone in Potter’s bedroom!” Regulus proclaimed at the top of his voice.

More laughter this time, and not just from Slytherins. Sirius gripped his fork so tightly his knuckles turned white.

Then, Cassius Avery chimed in, not wanting to be outdone by Regulus. “That’s why Evans won’t date Potter,” he crowed. “She wants someone who’s all man, not some twisted up pansy like him!”

“Why do you think Potter wanted to take off your underpants yesterday, Sev?” Regulus said even louder. “He was checking you out, mate, making sure you’ve got the goods! You’d better make sure he’s not stalking you in dark corners or you might not walk right ever again!”

“Sons of bitches,” James snarled through clenched teeth.

“That’s it,” Sirius said, jumping up and pulling out his wand. “That stupid, bloody little hypocrite!”

“Stop it, Sirius,” Remus warned, but before he could act, Sirius and James were already marching towards the Slytherin table.

Regulus and his friends all screeched with laughter, the volume reaching a shrill crescendo as both Gryffindors approached, scowling with disgust. Regulus looked blithely over his shoulder at his brother and rolled his dark, glittering eyes. Sirius barely recognised him any more.

“Oh, hello, Sirius,” Regulus purred. “All ready for the getting it off? Isn’t that illegal in this country?”

Cassius choked. Severus smirked but remained silent, letting Regulus take charge of the exchange this time.

“So, little brother,” Sirius growled. “Ready to terrorise the masses this summer?”

Regulus shrugged. “Only the ones who deserve it, which of course, is most people. But don’t worry, big brother, I’ll let greater powers take care of you.” He eyed Severus and laughed.

Sirius folded his arms and shook his head. “It’s no wonder you’re fucked in the head, Regulus, running with a greasy toe-rag like Snivellus here.”

“Better fucked in the head than where you get it from Potter,” Regulus shot back, grinning from ear to ear.

“Why don’t you sod off, Sirius,” Evan Rosier snapped. “Go back to your boyfriend and plot your next striptease act! I’m trying to keep my breakfast down!”

“Right,” Sirius replied. “Well whilst we’re on the subject of getting fucked, just steer clear of Malfoy this summer, little brother. He doesn’t always play nice with others.”

* * * *

Before they could go on holiday, however, Sirius and James would have to face up to what they had done to Severus the day before. As justified as Sirius still felt, especially after that exchange with Regulus, he knew that even Dumbledore would probably not let this incident slip by. This was more than just running the corridors, after all, and in truth, it was a totally unprovoked attack. Sirius had to admit to himself that had James not lashed out first, Severus likely would have gone on his way without a word.

For a very quick moment, Sirius felt a twinge of guilt. True, they had humiliated Severus, exposed his physical weakness and his apparent poverty to the whole school. They had infuriated Lily, too, and Sirius felt bad about that. If only Severus didn’t have such a powerful pull on Regulus. Sirius might even apologise if that were the case, but as far as he could see, the two of them were even closer than before. Regulus now stood up for Severus in the same way he used to stand up for Sirius--he supposed he really had been replaced.

He hoped Severus would never meet Mrs. Black. That would be a disaster.

Sure enough, Professor McGonagall summoned not only Sirius and James, but Remus and Lily as well. Without a word to any of them, she marched them all to Dumbledore’s office, where they were greeted by a grim-faced Headmaster. Sirius worried--he’d never seen Dumbledore like this before, so stern and grave. He suspected that this was something Dumbledore wasn’t going to overlook this time--this was serious business. They all sat in hard, wooden chairs in an arc, with Dumbledore at the centre, behind his massive desk, waiting for Severus to arrive. When he finally did, Severus could only stand there at the threshold, goggling at the sight.

“You summoned me, sir?” he asked stiffly.

Dumbledore conjured another chair. “Please, Mr. Snape, sit.”

Severus remained on his feet. He folded his arms indignantly, waiting for Dumbledore to speak further.

“He’s such a prat,” James whispered to Sirius, who rolled his eyes impatiently at Severus.

“That will do, Mr. Potter,” Professor McGonagall said sternly.

“Mr. Snape,” Dumbledore continued, “it has come to my attention that you were attacked yesterday afternoon by these two fine specimens, when I was unfortunately away from the school.”

“What of it?” Severus sneered.

“Mr. Lupin told me the details of the attack…”

“And did not one thing to stop it,” Severus growled, cutting across the Headmaster. “Did he tell you that?”

“He has expressed his regrets to me about that,” Dumbledore continued. “And I must ask you not to interrupt me.”

Severus shut his eyes for a moment, to gather in his rampaging emotions. “Sorry, sir,” he conceded. “But I must say that he has not expressed a single regret to me personally.”

Remus stood up, ignoring an audible grunt from Sirius. “Look, Severus, you’re right. I was a pillock yesterday, and I’m sorry I let you down.”

Severus looked away, casting his eyes on Lily, who turned her face from him in a huff. Severus scowled at her and turned back to Dumbledore.

“Well?” Dumbledore asked him. “Do you accept Mr. Lupin’s apology?”

Severus pondered a moment. “No, sir, I do not.”

James groaned in exasperation. “For gods’ sake, Snivellus!”

But Dumbledore turned on him. “That is enough, Mr. Potter!” he said harshly, his words like javelins. “You are in enough trouble as it is! Mr. Snape…Severus, I called you into this office to assure you that the school is taking this incident very seriously. Bullying is never okay, and all our students deserve to live in an atmosphere of respect. I also want to give you my most sincere apology as Headmaster, because an incident like this is a reflection on me as well as on the perpetrators. Do you understand this, Severus?”

“What is their punishment, sir?” he demanded.

“That, Severus, is confidential, though considering that both Miss Evans and Mr. Lupin are Prefects and did little to nothing to stop the attack, they are both receiving a severe reprimand. As for Mr. Potter and Mr. Black, I am not at liberty to disclose their punishment to you, but I can assure you that it is quite severe.”

What could Severus say? The issue had been acknowledged, taken seriously, and handled quickly. In the end, all Severus could mutter through clenched teeth was a stilted “Thank you, Professor Dumbledore.”

After Dumbledore dismissed everyone, however, he called on Severus to remain behind. Sirius wondered what they would discuss, but no sooner had he stepped out of the office than Professor McGonagall motioned for him and James to follow her to her own office. Giving a wave to Remus and Lily, they followed at a bit of a distance, wanting to defer their impending punishment for as long as possible.

Inside the office, however, McGonagall was far more severe than Dumbledore had been. Sirius and James sat nervously, bracing themselves for the worst.

“A month’s detentions when we return for the fall term,” she said. “And a loss of two hundred house points now for what you have done. You boys have lost us the House Cup because of this, so congratulations.”

“I’m sorry, Professor,” James said glumly.

She glared at him. “Did you say that to Severus?”

“No, ma’am,” James replied.

“You actually have to be sorry,” Sirius joked.

“What is the matter with you?” she exclaimed, turning her fierce glare on Sirius. “Have you no sense of decency?”

Sirius shrugged diffidently. “Look at who raised me! I wasn’t raised to be civil to lower life forms.”

Professor McGonagall didn’t seem to like that response very much--she knitted her brow so close together she seemed to have only one eyebrow. “It is that attitude that will keep you in trouble, Mr. Black. You are both excused now.”

Back in the common room, Sirius put aside thoughts of punishment and poor attitudes, though, his mind turned more immediately to what he was going to do and exactly how he would make this official break with his family. This would have to be handled carefully and quickly. He knew his mother would react with violence, but he wasn’t so sure how Regulus would react. Sirius figured, based on how Regulus was acting these days, that he’d be excited, relieved by the prospect of finally being rid of Sirius.

Still, Sirius knew he would have to go home for at least a day, in order to get his things before he found a flat or stayed at the Leaky Cauldron or...the Potters’. Staying at the Potters would be the best--it would also be a statement to his family and to the wizarding world that the son of the great and scary Walburga and Orion Black was proud to stay in the house of notorious blood-traitors.

That afternoon, Sirius took a long, lone walk near the lake, just taking time to think and plan and even pray a little for some guidance as he made his final decisions. The summer breeze felt warm on his upraised face, and he took in deep breaths, letting the air fill him up and bring him a little peace. He smiled as he watched a flock of birds flying overhead in a V formation, no doubt traveling to a better place. Sirius hoped he was headed for a better place, too. After a while, he reclined under his favourite tree, shutting his eyes and letting his mind rest a bit. The cool shadows calmed him down and soon, he drifted off to sleep.

Sirius wasn’t sure how long he was out, but the next thing he knew, Lily was reclining next to him, glancing at his hair.

“What?” he said, sitting up straight.

She laughed and pulled pieces of grass out of his hair. “You’re a mess.”

He blushed lightly. “Thanks. I guess I was out for a while. I hope I wasn’t snoring.”

Lily grinned. “You weren’t. It’s almost dinner, so I thought I should collect you before James takes all the food.”

He dusted blades of grass off his sleeves. “Thanks.”

“You okay?” she asked, her soft features too serious.

Sirius shrugged. “Yeah, I guess.”

“It’s been a rough term, hasn’t it?”

“Actually, it’s been good. Better than ever.”

“But what about your family situation?”

“All I’m going to do is get my stuff and get out as fast as I can.”

“Sirius, I’m really worried about you. You’re not safe going anywhere near that place!”

“I have to!”

“Well is anyone going with you?”

Sirius shrugged. “Maybe Mr. Potter...but no. I know that would be a bad idea. Look, Lily, it’s just something I need to do.”

She leaned forward to caress his face gently, making his skin tingle just a little. “It must be so hard for you, having to give up your family like this.”

“It’s better this way,” Sirius insisted. He didn’t want to admit to her that he was feeling pangs of regret over his decision. “I can’t tell them what to do but I can at least be free from them forcing me to be what I’m not.”

“Your mother will be hurt.”

He nodded. His throat tightened but he stifled a little sob. “She’ll be chuffed to see the back of me.”

“I don’t think so. Despite everything, she is a mother.”

Sirius jumped up indignantly. “She’s a fiend from hell,” he spat. “Don’t delude yourself into thinking that Walburga Black is some sort of sentimental fool, Evans. She would kill her own son as easily as squashing a bug.”

“But she hasn’t killed you, Sirius,” Lily retorted, getting to her feet as well. “She still wants you.”

“She wants me only if I’m ready to be a Death Eater! I can’t be what she wants! You know, if they would just let me be my own person, I might be able to stand living with them, even if what I hate what they stand for. But that’s never going to be the case, so I can’t keep fooling myself. I’m done.”

Lily touched his arm. “I’m not asking you to become what you’re not, Sirius. You mistake my meaning. I just mean that you’re walking straight into danger, and I think you’re making a big mistake.”

“So how am I going to get my stuff, then?”

“You have all that money. Buy new things. Start over from scratch and forget about all your stuff.”

He wrapped his arms around her in a big hug. “I wish it were that simple, Evans, I really do.”

Hand in hand, Sirius and Lily sauntered back to the Great Hall, where everyone was slowly gathering for the end of term feast. Sirius spotted James and Remus sitting down next to some of their other friends--he waved to them, but then by instinct, he allowed his eyes to wander to the Slytherin table, where Severus was once again holding court over Regulus and the others. Sirius suppressed the urge to throw a jinx at the lot of them and instead, allowed himself to be pulled along by Lily, where he sat down between her and Peter Pettigrew.

Peter Pettigrew.

Of course! It was perfect! Peter already knew the Blacks, so they could pretend that Peter was there on the context of visiting another pureblooded friend. Yes, of course! He wouldn’t have to sneak in or Imperius Kreacher or even borrow James’ invisibility cloak. They could simply walk in, gather the majority of Sirius’ things and walk right back out, with little trouble at all! 

He elbowed Pettigrew, making him bobble his chicken leg. “Say, Wormy, wanna do me a big favour?” Sirius asked in a low voice.

“What?”

“Wanna come for a little visit when we get back to London tomorrow?”

James perked up, now listening with great interest. “Yeah! That’s a great idea!” he said brightly. He grinned impishly.

“Excellent!” Remus chimed in. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of that before!”

Pettigrew looked more than a bit perplexed. “What? I don’t get it!”

Sirius darted his eyes about, lowering his voice to a whisper. “I’m leaving home for good, only I need your help.”

“You’re leaving? Why?”

“Oh come on, Wormy, you know why!” James spat.

“Why now, though? Why not after you go down from Hogwarts? What’s the rush?”

Sirius whispered again. “The Dark Lord expects me to become a Death Eater this summer, and I’m afraid my mother will insist, even if she has to do something drastic to me. Plus, she will force to finish that old project of mine…”

“You mean the…”

Sirius nodded. “Yes. That one. The Dark Lord knows already that I won’t do it, so he’s going to try to make me pay a huge price for it.”

Pettigrew furrowed his brow in confusion. “But I thought that he…” He stopped, his face turning pink.

“What?” James asked.

“Nothing. So what do you want me to do?” Pettigrew asked.

“Just visit,” Sirius replied. “You might need to help me carry a few things, too, but if we get the timing just right, we might be able to avoid my mother.”

Pettigrew blanched at the mention of the fearsome Walburga Black. “So she doesn’t know?”

“Not a thing,” Sirius said flatly. “And I don’t want her to know until I’m gone. So you’ll help me, right? You’re the only one who can.”

Pettigrew paused for the eternity of a second, but then grinned widely at Sirius, patting him on the back. “You know I’m here for you, Sirius. I’m always here for you, mate.”


	26. Escape from Grimmauld Place

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Everything was too still, too mysterious. He should have heard Regulus bounding down the stairs or slamming things about in his room, but instead, nothing. Knowing better than to look about downstairs, Sirius quickly crept up to his room, canvas bag in hand, ready to snatch up everything in sight, then wait for Pettigrew to get him out._

Gone again, though only for a few precious hours. Sirius felt relieved not to be picked up by his parents this time. No Bellatrix or Lucius either. Rather, Sirius was expected to find his own way home--Regulus, on the other hand, was picked up by the family’s driver, who finally did leave the station without him. This time, Sirius was relieved. Quickly, he ran to James and Mr. Potter, plus Remus and Pettigrew and Lily, dragging all his things behind him.

“Right,” Mr. Potter said, beaming at Sirius. “We’ll take your things whilst you retrieve whatever else you need from home.”

“From your mother’s home, that is,” James grumbled.

“Right, sir,” Sirius said brightly. “I don’t know how long this will take me to get in and out, I mean, it could be that they already changed the locks on me! But as long as it’s just Regulus at home, I should be in and out in about an hour. With Wormy’s help, right, mate?”

Pettigrew smiled. “Of course!”

Lily threw her arms around Sirius, trying her best not to cry. “Just be careful, Sirius. Nothing is worth your life, so if you have to leave your things, then just leave them!”

Sirius produced a small canvas bag and grinned. “Everything should fit in here.”

“That’s not that much stuff,” Remus noted.

“No, see, it’s charmed,” Sirius replied. “You’ll be amazed at how much stuff I can cram in here! Practically my entire room! I just have to be sure I have the time to get it all.”

* * * *

With help from his Seventh Year friend, Crystal, Sirius was able to apparate to the corner of Grimmauld Place, where he took the lone walk towards Number Twelve. He knew Regulus would be home, but he feared that Lucius might be there, or even worse, Bellatrix. Of course, if Lucius were there, the chances were that he would be behind closed doors with Regulus, getting up to whatever they got up to when Mrs. Black wasn’t looking. If Bellatrix were over, on the other hand, that could spell trouble. All Sirius could hope for was that Pettigrew’s presence would help.

Fortunately, the locks hadn’t been changed, though Sirius did notice an unwelcome feeling as he stepped into the foyer of the grand mansion. Everything was too still, too mysterious. He should have heard Regulus bounding down the stairs or slamming things about in his room, but instead, nothing. Knowing better than to look about downstairs, Sirius quickly crept up to his room, canvas bag in hand, ready to snatch up everything in sight, then wait for Pettigrew to get him out.

Sure enough, his room was empty, and apparently untouched since he left for the term in January. His bed was still unmade and his wardrobe still half-empty. His mother hadn’t burned his things or stolen anything, which gave Sirius a little confidence. He quickly grabbed robes, shoes, socks, photographs, some books, a few old magazines, a favourite wizard comic book with live action, his sneakoscope and the wizard chess set the Dark Lord had given him for his ninth birthday. Sirius hedged at taking that, but decided that he would, despite everything.

And then he waited, alone in his room, clutching the canvas bag tightly. The appointed time came for Pettigrew to arrive. Then five minutes passed. Then ten more minutes. Finally, twenty long minutes later, a knock at his door. Sirius opened the door with a flick of his wand--Pettigrew dashed in and slammed the door shut behind him.

“Sorry I’m late, man,” he panted.

“What the hell happened?” Sirius demanded, more than a bit irritated.

“I had to wait for my uncle to come over so that I could apparate over here! He got stuck at work so he was late!”

“You didn’t tell him what you were up to, did you?”

“No! I didn’t say a word to him about that! I just said I was invited to see a friend and needed a way over here.”

Sirius sighed in relief. “Sorry to give you the third degree, mate. It’s just that we’re cutting it pretty fine at this point. We just have to hope my parents won’t arrive home in the next few minutes. Who let you in?”

“Regulus.”

“Did he say anything?”

“No. I said we were going out and then I gave him a shove and came up here.”

Sirius sniggered at that. “Good. Well, shall we?”

Unfortunately, getting out of the house would be much more difficult than getting in. No sooner had Sirius and Pettigrew made it halfway down the stairs, than they were greeted by a long-faced Regulus and an imperious Lucius Malfoy, who folded his arms across his chest and glowered at the two of them.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Lucius asked dangerously.

“Out,” Sirius replied. He moved forward, attempting to shove Lucius aside, only Lucius refused to move. “Didn’t you hear Pettigrew here? Besides, it’s none of your business, Malfoy.”

“I believe you need your parents’ permission to prowl the streets, Black,” he said smoothly.

“Piss off, Malfoy,” Sirius shot back. “Aren’t you supposed to be busy buggering Regulus here? Come on, Peter. We’re late.”

Lucius stepped in front of them, now blocking their path. Regulus, on the other hand, lunged forward, attempting to knock down Lucius so that he could get at Sirius. Lucius shook Regulus off himself and grabbed Sirius by the front of the robes. Pettigrew stepped back, watching the scene with morbid curiosity.

“Let me go!” Sirius shouted. He kicked Lucius in the shins, making him howl with pain. 

But the moment Malfoy doubled over to grasp his own leg, Regulus charged at Sirius again, this time he got a grip on Sirius’ shoulders, trying to wrench him down the stairs. Sirius resisted, doing all he could to shove Regulus out of the way, only Regulus was too strong and soon, Sirius found himself flat on his back at the foot of the stairs. Regulus straddled him, his knees pressing Sirius to the floor. Pettigrew did nothing, still staring in shock as the brothers fought it out.

“Get off me!” Sirius yelled.

Regulus stuck a finger in his face. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?” he demanded.

“What of it!” Sirius confessed loudly. “I thought you’d be happy that my blood-traitor arse is finally gone!”

“You’re NOT leaving, Sirius!” Regulus growled.

Sirius reached up as best he could and dug his nails into Regulus’ back, not letting go until Regulus had loosened his hold on Sirius’ shoulders. The next thing Lucius or Pettigrew knew, the brothers were rolling on the floor, wrestling and punching each other viciously, both of them sobbing as they went. But neither Lucius nor Pettigrew moved to stop the fight, watching it play out instead. Finally, Sirius had the upper hand, this time locking Regulus in such a tight headlock that Regulus’ face started to turn purple.

“You let me go!” Sirius hissed, shaking Regulus hard.

“Let him go, Sirius!” Pettigrew suddenly yelled. “You’re killing him!”

Sirius ignored him, tightening his grip around Regulus’ throat. Regulus’ eyes bugged out and rolled back, his face turning darker by the second. It was only a sharp stinging spell hitting him in the arm that made Sirius finally loosen his grip on Regulus, who fell to his knees choking and gasping for air. Pettigrew stooped down to pick up the canvas bag that Sirius had dropped in the fight, inching his way down the stairs and passing Lucius, who could still only stare incredulously as Sirius dried his face and snatched the bag from Pettigrew.

“What the hell was that all about?” Pettigrew demanded sharply.

Sirius didn’t reply. He couldn’t take his eyes off a still gasping Regulus. He bit his lip and knelt down next to his brother, putting a hand on Regulus’ back.

“Regulus, I’m sorry,” Sirius whispered.

“Get out,” Regulus replied, without looking at him.

“I didn’t mean to…”

“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!!!” Regulus bellowed so loudly that Sirius’ ears rang.

“Come on, Sirius,” Pettigrew whispered. “Let’s go.”

Without another word, Sirius stood up, straightened his robes and, motioning for Pettigrew to follow him, left the house, not looking back for a moment. For five blocks, the two wizards walked without a single word, but somewhere in the middle of the street, Sirius suddenly stopped, his hands still shaking violently.

“I’m sorry you had to witness that, Peter,” he said quietly.

“He had it coming,” Pettigrew replied.

“I was out of line.”

“He might have killed you.”

“I might have killed him. You were right to speak up,” Sirius replied. “Hey, it’s over, right? Let’s get to the Leaky Cauldron!” He moved on ahead quickly, but Pettigrew lagged behind, thinking about something.

“Sirius, can I ask you something?” Pettigrew asked, still walking slowly.

Sirius slowed down to let him catch up. “What?”

“What you and I used to talk about, I mean, you’re over all that, right?”

“Way over it.” Sirius looked at him intently and scowled. “Peter, all that stuff is bollocks, and I regret ever trying to indoctrinate you in the past. You do know it’s all bosh, right?”

“Sure, I know,” Pettigrew replied. “Say, whatever happened to that jewel that Lucius gave you?”

Sirius laughed. “That thing? I still have it, though I’d have to dig for it probably. It’s probably in my trunk somewhere.”

“I remember that spinning wheel,” Pettigrew mused with a grin. “I’d love to get my hands on that thing!”

“Maybe. Spinning hay into gold sounds boring. I don’t like sitting on my arse that long.”

“It’s not a bad thing,” Pettigrew went on, “you know, being pureblooded.”

“I know that,” Sirius said. “But it’s not bad being a mudblood...that is, a muggle-born either. There’s no superior status in the wizarding world.”

“But don’t you think it’s alright to be proud of being pureblooded?”

Sirius shrugged. “Sure it is! But I’d think a half-blood could be proud of that, too, I mean, they’d get a mixed heritage. That’s pretty cool, right?”

Pettigrew made a face. “Would you want to be of mixed blood?”

“I have no idea, Peter! I’m not of mixed blood, so how can I answer you? Why does it even matter?”

“But family matters, right?” Pettigrew asked, though the moment the words came out of his mouth, he blanched.

Sirius sighed. “It should. It does. But friendship matters, too, and if I have to put blood status over that, then I’m just pathetic. That’s their problem, Peter! People like my mother and Lucius and the Dark Lord prize blood over everything! But it’s not just blood that makes family, and your blood doesn’t make you better than someone else! You do know that, right?”

Pettigrew nodded. “I guess all that time around Evans and Potter got to us, right?” They laughed.

Sirius brightened up. “Come on! I hear Mrs. Potter’s making roasted chicken for dinner tonight! We don’t want to be late!”

* * * *

The moment Sirius stepped through the threshold of the Potters’ house, he felt...home. He and Pettigrew were met by a grinning Mr. Potter and an ecstatic James, plus a slightly subdued Remus. The scent of chicken and garlic and potatoes wafted through the house. Mr. Potter opened his arms to Sirius and wrapped him in a fatherly embrace.

“Welcome home, Sirius,” he said warmly, giving him a little kiss on the forehead.

“We got your room ready whilst you were getting your stuff,” James added enthusiastically.

“Sorry it took so long,” Sirius replied. “We had a bit of trouble from Regulus, but in the end it worked out alright.”

“What happened?” James asked, steering Sirius to a comfortable blue chair by the window.

Sirius shot a glance at Pettigrew, but then he smiled wanly. “It’s a long, slightly ugly story. I’ll tell you some other time, when everything’s calmed down. I was just glad Peter was there to grab my bag--otherwise, I’d have to go back again, only that would probably be impossible.”

“So you had it out with them?” James insisted.

“Jimmy, let Sirius rest,” Mrs. Potter said, carrying a tray of appetizers and glasses of pumpkin juice for the boys to snack on before dinner.

Sirius sniggered. “Jimmy?” He reached out to muss James’ hair, but James dodged away quickly.

“She’s the only one allowed to call me that,” James replied, squaring his shoulders.

“I never thought you were a mama’s boy, Jimmy,” Sirius joked. Remus snorted into his pumpkin juice.

“Bugger off, Black,” James retorted.

Dinner that night was sumptuous, rich, flavourful, perfect. Mrs. Potter, a black-haired, rosy-cheeked, slightly plump witch, had prepared so much food that it nearly filled the entire dining room table, yet with four teenaged boys in the house, the massive dinner didn’t last too long. By the time they were done eating, both James and Sirius had to loosen the belts of their robes just a little. James sat back and rubbed his protruding stomach, but Sirius took thirds of dessert--blackberry pie.

“Don’t they feed you at home?” Mrs. Potter laughed.

“Not these days,” Sirius replied, his mouth full of pie. He explained the Christmas holiday starvation they imposed on him as punishment, and the nights he was forced to sleep in the snow on the back stairs.

“Goodness!” Mrs. Potter exclaimed, horrified by the story. “It’s amazing you didn’t freeze to death!”

“Well there’s nothing like that in this house, son,” Mr. Potter said. Sirius started at the word ‘son’. He liked it. “My wife and I have discussed this, and we want you consider this to be your home, just as much as it is James’ home. As we do with James, we expect you to follow a few simple rules, but as far as we’re concerned, you are a part of this family.”

Sirius wanted to cry just then, but he didn’t. “Thank you, sir, though I don’t think I’ll be calling you Dad any time soon.” They all laughed.

“You know, James considers you to be like a brother, and I suspect you feel the same way about him,” Mr. Potter went on. Sirius nodded. “I hope you will be very happy here.”

Sirius looked around at all the beauty that surrounded him. The house wasn’t opulent like the Black mansion, but it was spacious and clean and elegant in its own way. True, it didn’t have any muggle artifacts, unlike Lily’s home, but then again, Sirius wouldn’t have known what to do with those anyway. He liked the large fireplaces in each room and the miles of books that had nothing to do with blood hygiene, and all the Quidditch magazines James had. It was far different from the Black mansion, but perhaps because of that, Sirius could finally feel free and natural and at ease in his environment. 

He truly was home.

* * * *

“I hope you like it,” James said. He lit the candles in the bedroom as Sirius glanced around, grinning from ear to ear. By now it was just the two of them--Remus and Pettigrew had gone home hours ago.

“It’s great!”

“It’s not big like your room at home...that is, at your parents’ house is…”

Sirius flopped on the four-poster bed, laid back and groaned happily. “Man, this room is perfect. Seriously. I mean, my old room was way too big for just one person! You could have fit four or five in there, with room to spare! No, this is just fine.”

James flipped the blue checked duvet over Sirius’ face and laughed. “Dad sort of asked me what I thought you’d like, so I hope I did alright.”

Sirius sat up and looked around at the brown leather chair in the corner by the large, white curtained window, the dark oak desk across from the bed, the wardrobe in the corner by the door, the plush blue rug over the hardwood floors. It wasn’t overly elegant, he noted, but it was comfortable, bright, impeccably clean...perfect. He smirked.

“So if I want to sneak a girl in here, would your dad mind?”

James laughed. “Somehow I think even he would. Normally Dad is a sort of liberal sort, but when it comes to that stuff, he can be downright traditional. Janis Nott will have to wait.”

Sirius chuckled. “You know what’f funny? I bet she’d still be happy to shag me, despite everything.”

“I guess she really does go for anything!”

Sirius bit his lip. He reclined against the pile of pillows, whereas James sat down on the floor, resting his back against the edge of the bed. Neither boy spoke for a moment, just letting the quiet fill them up.

“I’m worried,” Sirius finally confessed.

“About Regulus?”

“About Peter Pettigrew.”


	27. Summer Adventures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _James jumped to his feet, frowning at Sirius. “Shove up!” he demanded._
> 
> _“Why?”_
> 
> _“Just shove up, mate! We need to have a talk!”_
> 
> _With that, Sirius scooted over, letting James flop down on the bed right beside him. But when James remained silent once again, Sirius worried. Did he say the wrong thing, and just when he should have expressed gratitude to his friend?_
> 
> _“So what’s all this about Pettigrew?” James asked quietly._

James jumped to his feet, frowning at Sirius. “Shove up!” he demanded.

“Why?”

“Just shove up, mate! We need to have a talk!”

With that, Sirius scooted over, letting James flop down on the bed right beside him. But when James remained silent once again, Sirius worried. Did he say the wrong thing, and just when he should have expressed gratitude to his friend?

“So what’s all this about Pettigrew?” James asked quietly, as if fearing they might be overheard.

Sirius shook his head. “It’s hard to explain. When we were at my house...that is, at my parents’ house, well, getting out was harder than I reckoned.”

“What happened? Did Peter do something?”

Sirius sat up and pulled his knees to his chest. “That’s the whole thing. He didn’t do anything! I got into it really bad with Regulus and…” He paused, struggling to calm his raging emotions just then. “We had a terrible fight. I...I almost killed him, James.”

“What the hell happened?”

“Regulus and I have always been really physical with each other, but it was always just a game. That’s just how brothers are, only this wasn’t the usual fun we used to have wrestling. He came right at me and attacked me, so all I could do was defend myself! I had him in a headlock and...something just took over me, and the next thing I knew I was...practically strangling him!”

“Gods, Sirius!”

“And Pettigrew just stood there, not doing anything until it really looked like was going to kill my brother! He just stood and watched and didn’t do a damn thing to help or get him off or get me away!”

James shrugged. “Yeah, but come on, Padfoot, I mean, you know how he is. Peter isn’t exactly big on confrontation. You probably scared him shitless or something! He probably wet himself!”

Sirius sighed. “Maybe. Maybe you’re right. You know, I made the big mistake of introducing him to my family years ago, back in the days when I was an idiot. I thought that between the two of us, you’d come to the Dark Lord’s side.”

James sniggered. “Well that was sure a big success!”

“I know, right? Now, here I am, making myself at home with a blood-traitor!”

James put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “You know, it’s okay to miss them, Sirius.”

Sirius nodded but didn’t say a word.

“And it’s okay to love them, too.”

“I know. Too bad I can’t live with them.” He lay back down again, staring up at the high white ceiling. “This whole arrangement, I mean, it’s great and all, but it’s not...natural.”

“It’s not your fault, I mean, your parents more or less forced the issue,” James pointed out.

Sirius mussed his black hair, scratching his scalp until it tingled. “And now Regulus is stuck with them.”

“Why would Regulus attack you like that?” James asked, laying back next to him.

“I don’t know, I mean, he’s been giving me mixed signals for ages now. I know he wants me home, but he can’t understand why I’d become a blood-traitor. He has no concept of independent thought! The poor kid is so bloody brainwashed that he barely knows anything else, and he can’t fathom why I would go against the Dark Lord! All that blood status stuff is so natural to him...just as it was to me...and, if you’re a Black, you’re not supposed to want anything else.”

“You’re going to have to leave him alone now,” James said. “He needs to work this out on his own, just like you did.”

“Right, and if you think that my mother is going to let her second son make the same mistake, you’re delusional. She’ll be hovering over him relentlessly!”

“She hovered over you, too, Padfoot! All those books, all that punishment, and of course, Janis Nott.”

“Regulus wouldn’t know what to do with Janis or any other girl.”

“He’s just a kid.”

Sirius rolled his eyes impatiently. “My brother is gay, James.”

“You don’t know that!”

“I do know that, even if Regulus won’t admit it to himself. I see how he looks at Lucius, I mean, it’s obvious!”

“Lucius isn’t gay, is he?” James exclaimed. “Isn’t he engaged to Narcissa?”

“He’s whatever comes along, that’s what he is. Today my brother, tomorrow Narcissa. Regulus is going to get his heart broken.”

“You can’t protect him from everything, Sirius, whether he’s gay or not,” James pointed out.

“I should. I’ve been a shit to him for a long time. I keep thinking I could have stepped in earlier, given him a chance to think about different things for once, rather than all that blood status rubbish! But now...it’s just...I don’t know.”

James grinned and jumped off the bed. “Well I know one thing you can do, Sirius Black.”

“What?”

“You can forget about them all for a few weeks and have the best summer EVER!”

* * * *

It was almost too easy for Sirius to become a natural part of the Potter family. Mrs. Potter fussed over him as much as she did over her Jimmy, making sure he had plenty to eat, a very comfortable bed and lots of nice clean socks every week. Mr. Potter regaled Sirius with the entire Potter history, including his distant cousin, Charlus Potter, who was married to Dorea Black.

“That’s my mother’s aunt,” Sirius exclaimed. “So your cousin believes in pureblood supremacy?”

“Old Charlus was always a bit of a black sheep, no pun intended. He’s a bit of a poor relation, and I think he resented that,” Mr. Potter explained. “Most of us have done quite well financially, but his branch of the family always struggled to get by. His father was a bit of a dreamer, always coming up with crazy inventions that never really went anywhere.”

“So does that make us cousins?” James asked eagerly.

“I believe so,” Mr. Potter replied.

When they weren’t listening to Mr. Potter’s stories, Sirius and James went all over Godric’s Hollow. They swam in the river, chased after girls in town, and when Remus and Pettigrew visited, they played at Quidditch in the Potters’ back garden--usually, Sirius and Remus teamed up together against James and Pettigrew. Though James was as quick as ever as a Seeker, Sirius was brutal as a Beater, and Remus turned out to be an excellent Chaser. One day, James and Pettigrew would win by a slight margin, and then the next day, Sirius and Remus would win by a huge margin.

Sirius always found it heartbreaking to witness Remus’ transformation into a werewolf each month. He felt somewhat privileged to be a part of it, in a sense, because he knew how ashamed Remus was over his condition and thus trusted nearly no one with his secret. No matter what he or James said to him, Remus could never quite acquit himself of all the guilt he felt. Therefore, all the Marauders could do was simply to be present to him, to use their Animagus forms to give Remus at least a little bit of fun during those harrowing hours. They dutifully made as much horrific noise as they could in order to keep outsiders and muggles away, wanting only to give their friend a little privacy and peace.

“It would be a laugh to lure Snivellus to the Shrieking Shack, wouldn’t it?” Sirius said to the Marauders one morning after Remus had returned to his human form. That process always took a little time, and once it was done, a battered and exhausted Remus had to sleep for several hours before he felt well enough to leave their hiding place.

“Don’t even suggest it, Padfoot!” Remus snapped. “I wouldn’t wish that on anyone!”

“Oh come on, Moony, I was just jerking your chain!” Sirius laughed. “It would sure give him a good scare though!”

Pettigrew laughed, but James and Remus did not.

“And how would we guarantee that Remus wouldn’t tear his throat out?” James asked pointedly.

“Easy. You come to the rescue! Then again, if you were to change your mind, I’d be willing to cover up for you!”

James stooped down and picked up a fistful of leaves, which he threw at Sirius. Sirius laughed, dodging out of the way. He grabbed more leaves and tried to mash them in James’ face, but James was too quick for him, sweeping his foot under Sirius’ legs to knock him down. Screeching with laughter, the two of them continued to pelt each other with leaves, dirt, mud, whatever they could get their hands on, until they were both so filthy that their robes were brown and green from head to toe.

“Your mother’s going to kill you,” Remus laughed.

“No, that’s what my mother would do,” Sirius quipped. “Mrs. Potter will just make us take hot showers whilst she bakes us some cookies.”

James sniggered at that. “Chocolate chip is her best.”

“Man, you have no idea how good you’ve got it!” Sirius noted with a laugh.

James grinned but didn’t reply. They all walked back to the Potter house in content silence, listening to the birds twitter away, serenading their steps as they went.

* * * *

By the end of July, Sirius was sure he had gained a stone since he came to live at the Potters. Despite all the activity and sport they played at each day, Sirius ate and ate and ate--he hoped he wasn’t putting the Potters into a difficult financial situation, and in fact, he started to think that he should compensate them for his upkeep. It seemed only fair.

“I don’t want your money, Sirius,” Mr. Potter said one night after a particularly massive feast, complete with Yorkshire pudding, prime rib and a green salad. “I told you, we’re financially very well off. I want you to keep your money. You’ve only got two more years of school and then you’ll need to get out in the world and find your place. I told you before that life gets expensive, and until you land yourself a good job, you’ll need every Knut you have.”

“You all have been more than generous with me this summer,” Sirius said, his heart full. “Honestly, I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t allowed me here.”

Mr. Potter beamed. “Well, you know my wife and I would have loved to have another son, but that just wasn’t in the runes for us. Having you here has been wonderful for us, and I think for James, too.”

James turned bright red. “Thanks for putting me on the spot, Dad,” he groused. “Sirius knows how I feel, right, mate?”

“Right, Jimmy.”

“You suck, man.”

The next day, their OWL results arrived, and to Sirius’ astonishment, his arrived along with James’. The boys tore into their letters, both more than a bit nauseated with worry. James held his to his chest for a moment, taking in deep breaths before he looked at his grades. Sirius, on the other hand, looked right away. They were...mixed. Charms...O Potions...E Defence against the Dark Arts...O History of Magic...E Transfiguration...O Astronomy...O Arithmancy...O. He sighed with relief. Not all O’s but only 2 E’s. He looked at James, but it was impossible for Sirius to figure out what he’d gotten.

“So?”

James finally grinned. “All O’s except for one E.”

“Fantastic! What was the E in?”

“Arithmancy. How about you?”

“All O’s except for E’s in Potions and History.”

“That’s great, Sirius, especially since you were academically challenged for two years!”

“I wasn’t challenged. I was...distracted.”

“You were an idiot! You’d better thank Evans for getting you those bloody grades!”

Sirius laughed. “I probably will! I should send her flowers!”

“Say, you know, Dad’s offered to apparate us to London for the day tomorrow, you know, to spend a few hours at Diagon Alley. Sound good?”

“Are Remus and Pettigrew coming?” Sirius asked.

“Remus is on holiday somewhere, but I don’t know about Wormy. I could owl him.”

“You know what?” Sirius said, thinking it over. “Let’s just make it you and me.”

James raised an eyebrow. “You still have a problem with Peter or something?”

“No, I don’t have a problem with him. Alright, let’s invite him. Maybe he could go after all.”

But as it turned out, Pettigrew could not come to Diagon Alley, though he didn’t specify why. He gave them the vague excuse of “having stuff to do,” and since James didn’t press the issue, Pettigrew never offered any explanation. Thus, Sirius and James found themselves wandering happily through the shopping district one lovely summer morning, laughing at some of the garish getups of some of the witches they saw that day. Apparently in order to keep up with the fashions of the day, witches robes in bright florals had become all the rage, along with bright white ankle boots.

“Gods! I hope Evans won’t wear that rubbish!” James sniggered. “I might change my opinion of her!”

Sirius laughed. “Get real, Prongs. You’d prefer it if she didn’t wear anything at all!”

James smirked at that. “True,” he admitted. “But then again, if we were to come here, then I suppose it might be a good idea to put something on. We wouldn’t want any gossip.”

Sirius laughed. “But no big gigantic ugly-arse flowers, right?”

“Precisely. Oh gods, look! New broomsticks!” James pointed to the window display at the Quidditch shop, but Sirius took no notice. 

Instead, Sirius stood there frozen, staring ahead at...Regulus and Evan Rosier, both of whom had just exited from Flourish and Blott’s. James noticed that Sirius clenched his fists so tightly his knuckles turned white. He put a strong hand on Sirius’ shoulder, pressing him to turn away.

“Come on,” James said quietly. “Let’s go.”

But Sirius would not be disabused of his new intention of speaking to his brother directly, and no sooner had Regulus took one step in Sirius’ direction, Sirius marched straight over to him. The moment Regulus set eyes on him, he nearly dropped the package he was carrying, but rather than turning away, he stood there stolidly, looking like he wanted revenge on Sirius for choking him. He folded his arms defiantly and glared at Sirius.

“What are you doing here?” Sirius asked, keeping a safe distance from Regulus. He struggled not to sound too angry or hostile.

“Same as you, as if it’s any of your business.”

“Look, Regulus, I wanted to...apologise for…”

“For strangling me? Spare me, Sirius! You know what Mother did, don’t you? She burned your name off the family tree!”

“Figures,” Sirius grumbled.

“Yeah, well you’re lucky that’s all she did, considering you bloody near killed me! Serves you right!”

“I said I was sorry, you stupid idiot!”

“Get away from me!” Regulus spat.

“Right, then, off to your friend Snivellus! Don’t be late, Regulus! He might use his nose to sniff you out!”

Regulus threw down his package and advanced on Sirius. “Why are you so awful to him? What did he ever do to you anyway? All he ever gets from you and your stupid friends is abuse and ridicule and you don’t even care what he feels!”

“He’s a bad influence on you, Regulus! Surely you know that!”

“I know nothing of that! At least I’m a true friend to him. When his father died at the start of the summer, I was the one who went to the funeral! I bet you didn’t even know about it!”

Actually, Sirius didn’t know, and the news of Mr. Snape’s death stunned him. “Regulus, I had no idea,” Sirius admitted. “I’m sorry for him.” He stepped back, unsure what to say at that point. He knew this conversation was going nowhere, but at the same time, he didn’t want to leave. And when James approached, things only got worse.

Regulus snarled at James. “Talk about bad influences,” he said with a humph. With that, Regulus turned away and walked off towards Knockturn Alley, four steps ahead of Evan, who picked up Regulus’ dropped package and scrambled after him.

“Did you hear that?” Sirius asked James.

“What?”

“Sniv’s father died.”

“Wow. That’s sad.”

“Yeah. The bastard probably killed him personally.”

Together, they continued onward, heading over to Flourish and Blott’s to look at the new collection of wizard comic books.

“But he beat Sniv up all the time, right?” James pointed out. “I mean, maybe it was self-defence.”

“I think it was cold-blooded murder,” Sirius replied darkly.

James shook his head disdainfully. “You just don’t like him.”

“Neither do you!” Sirius retorted.

“Yeah, but I don’t automatically assume he murdered his own father in cold blood! I don’t think even Severus Snape is capable of that!”

Sirius stopped at the threshold of the bookstore, turning to face James. “You have no idea what Severus Snape is capable of, James.”

“Neither do you!”

“You’re wrong. Severus aspires to be a Death Eater, and anyone who aspires to that is capable of just about anything. Not to acknowledge that is short-sighted and naive!”

“I’m not naive, Padfoot!” James retorted.

“You are an idealist, James,” Sirius replied, more gently this time. “You’re on the right side of things and…”

“I understand Severus has some pretty dark connections, Sirius!” James said hotly. “I get it!”

“But look at us, all of us! You were raised differently from me and Severus,” Sirius said, now heading into the store. “Your parents are loving, caring, nurturing, wonderful people. They’ve taught you to see the good in the world and in people and…”

“I know Severus is a creep, Sirius! I don’t need a lecture, mate!” James strode to the comic book section and picked up the latest edition of _The Wandmaker_ , flipping to the center pages.

“I think you do, James,” Sirius replied, picking up his own copy of the comic. “You have to see the truly dark side of people, even people our own age, because if you don’t, you’re going to end up at the wrong end of their wand.”

James slammed the comic shut. “So are you suggesting Severus is going to turn his wand on me?”

“My own cousin tortured me because she was ordered to, and you can bet it wasn’t just Walburga who told her to. When people follow the Dark Lord, they’ll do monstrous things, just because they’re told to.”

“Severus Snape is not a Death Eater,” James pointed out.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at him. “Not yet.”


	28. The Third Wheel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _When James finally appeared, a broad smile on his lean, bespectacled face, Sirius laughed._
> 
> _“Alright, now, is there anything you wish to confess to me, my son?” Sirius asked mockingly._
> 
> _James raised a sarcastic eyebrow and sat. “Turned into a muggle priest, have we? You work fast.”_
> 
> _“Yes, and so do you apparently. If you don’t confess your filthy sins this moment, I shall have no choice but to cast you into the everlasting fire!” Sirius replied, pointing at the hearth._

There she was, sitting like a golden angel in front of Fortescue’s, sipping on an ice cream soda and reading the latest copy of _Witch Weekly_. The moment James Potter laid eyes on Lily Evans that afternoon, his heart skipped a beat and all of a sudden, he went from his usual calm, cocky self to a wobbling mess of nerves. Sirius laughed at him.

“So are you going to talk to her, Prongs?” he whispered as they approached.

“I think she’s still mad at me for our little joke on Sniv.”

“Oh go on! Talk to her! Get on your knees and apologise!”

“I already did apologise! Ten times! Say, do you suppose she knows about Sniv’s father?” James asked.

“Probably. They are friends, after all.”

Sirius took hold of James’ elbow and pulled him along, trying to shove him ahead. “Go on! I’ll wait for you at the Leaky Cauldron! Go talk to her!”

“She’ll want to talk to you, too, Padfoot,” James replied, trying to resist Sirius’ prodding.

“Rubbish! I don’t want to be a third wheel! Go on!” He gave James a big shove, causing him to stumble forward, nearly knocking into an elderly witch. 

A red-faced James apologised profusely whilst Sirius stood back and laughed at him. James flipped him the finger, but then straightened his robes and approached Lily, who looked none too pleased to see him. Sirius watched from a distance as James attempted to sit with her, only to be, from what Sirius could tell, scolded and nearly put off. But he smiled as he saw how James explained something to her Sirius couldn’t quite hear--this time when he sat, she seemed a little friendlier towards him. Satisfied, Sirius made his way to Gringott’s to withdraw a few Galleons.

As he waited in line to be served, Sirius suddenly started to think about money and finances and tuition and books and everything else. Mr. Potter’s words about life being expensive came back to haunt him, and as he finally reached the front of the line, he had a terrible feeling that his mother had discovered his new vault and stolen all its contents. He wasn’t sure how he would feel about that, now that he had made his situation permanent. If what Regulus said about his name on the family tree was true, then there would be no more turning back, no more hope of reconciliation. Life seemed overwhelming just then.

But as the Goblin led him to his vault, there was no mention of any visit from Mrs. Black or his father or anyone else from the family. Sirius could only hope that this silence meant he still had funds.

The Goblin turned the key to Sirius’ vault with a loud click, making Sirius jump just a bit. The door opened with a loud creak, and then...the glitter of gold caught Sirius’ eye. Thank the gods it was still there! All of it, from floor to ceiling, packed with Black family treasure which had been given to Sirius over the years--his inheritance from his grandparents, money given to him from ancestors, treasures and artifacts bestowed on the eldest son of the great Walburga and Orion Black, priceless things that would make Sirius financially very comfortable for the rest of his life.

Sirius sighed with relief as he filled his bag and quickly left, putting his key in a very safe place.

* * * *

James was an hour late to the Leaky Cauldron, but Sirius didn’t worry. He knew exactly what James was up to, though he wasn’t so sure Mr. Potter would approve. It wasn’t that Mr. Potter cared about Lily’s blood status, of course, but rather, that he expected his son to carry himself in a morally upright fashion in all circumstances. This didn’t mean, of course, that James was up to anything immoral. On the other hand, this was also the first time that Lily had given him attention beyond simple friendship, or so Sirius assumed. 

Actually, he had no idea what they were doing. It could be that she turned him away and that James had been walking the streets, despondent and mourning the loss. Or it could be that the two of them had been busy snogging or petting or more, or just talking and getting to know each other on a deeper level. Sirius was dying to find out.

Thus, when James finally appeared, a broad smile on his lean, bespectacled face, Sirius laughed.

“Alright, now, is there anything you wish to confess to me, my son?” Sirius asked mockingly.

James raised a sarcastic eyebrow and sat. “Turned into a muggle priest, have we? You work fast.”

“Yes, and so do you apparently. If you don’t confess your filthy sins this moment, I shall have no choice but to cast you into the everlasting fire!” Sirius replied, pointing at the hearth.

James took a drink from Sirius’ glass, then slouch back in his chair and sniggered. “Well if you have any dirty thoughts in mind, forget it! We didn’t go there.”

“That’s too bad,” Sirius replied with a smirk. “I was looking forward to some good dirt for this confession.”

James shrugged. “Actually, we mostly just talked.”

“Mostly?”

“Mostly.” James blushed. “And then, well, we did...other things.”

“Anything to send you to hell?”

“No!” James laughed. “Maybe Purgatory, but not hell. I think you and she got up to a lot more than I did, to tell you the truth!”

“Oh come on!” Sirius shot back. “We just snogged a bit.”

“A bit?”

“OK, a lot. She was just practicing for you.”

“Oh, well thanks for that!”

Sirius shrugged. “What are friends for? Say, if she needs any practice shagging, I’ve got loads of experience!” Sirius howled at his own joke.

James started to laugh, but stopped. “You’re not…”

“James, it’s okay! Don’t worry, mate, I won’t steal her from you. I know she’s crazy in love you anyway. She has been for a long time only she didn’t know it until today. I’m really happy for you both!”

The two friends took that happy feeling with them all the way home to the Potters’, but the moment they walked in the door, neither boy laughed. Rather, Sirius blanched at the unexpected presence of Professor Dumbledore, who sat and took tea with James’ mother. When James and Sirius came into the parlour, Mrs. Potter and Dumbledore both stood up, eager for the boys to come in and join them.

“Did you have a nice time?” Mrs. Potter asked, giving both boys a kiss on the forehead. She mussed James’ hair and motioned for them to sit.

“James did,” Sirius quipped.

“Not you?” Dumbledore asked, not looking at James’ flushed expression.

“I ran into Regulus. It got ugly.”

Dumbledore gave him a little pat on the knee, then took a drink from his teacup. “Speaking of that, Sirius, we’ve all been talking about you and your current situation, now that you are independent.”

“I’m alright financially, sir,” Sirius assured him. “I went to my vault today and it’s all still there.”

Dumbledore nodded. “That may be for now, but there is no guarantee that it will be there in future. To that end, I am willing to make a few accommodations for you. I don’t want you to spend all your money on school when you’ll need it later on.”

“Honestly, sir, there’s tons of money in there,” Sirius replied. “Seriously, there’s more money than I know what to do with in ten lifetimes!”

“And if your mother takes it back tomorrow, you still have your education to finish. Sirius, I have had a discussion with Professor Slughorn and the Board of Governors, and we all agree that we’d like to offer you a full scholarship for your last two years at school.”

“Sir, I…”

“You will pay for your own books and robes, but your tuition and boarding will be taken care of,” Dumbledore replied.

This was all too much for Sirius, and he struggled to maintain his composure in front of so many sympathetic eyes. He had no words other than a limping “Thank you.”

Mrs. Potter sniffled and dabbed her eyes with a lace-trimmed hanky.

After a massive dinner with their guest of honour, Mrs. Potter and James cleared the table, whist Mr. Potter and Dumbledore took Sirius to the parlour for a glass of brandy and a serious talk. They sat in the dim candlelight, talking in hushed tones so that the others couldn’t hear.

“I have had it from a trusted friend, Sirius, that you are not safe,” Dumbledore said.

“I’ve known that for a long time, sir,” Sirius replied off-handedly. “Mother doesn’t put up with blood-traitors, especially when it’s her precious son.”

“The Dark Lord is not finished with you,” Dumbledore pointed out. “He is not so eager to let someone as valuable as you simply walk away.”

“He wants one of two things--my full cooperation or my death. I understand my predicament very well, sir.”

“They wish to kidnap you, actually,” Dumbledore said. “They wish to modify your memory or even Imperius you if they have to. If Lord Voldemort has his way, you will complete your prior promise to him…”

“That promise means nothing to me, sir!” Sirius spat. “I told him I won’t finish it! He’s just going to have to deal with it!”

Dumbledore chuckled at that. “You don’t mean to tell me you really believe that, do you? I thought you knew him better.”

“I do, sir. It’s not that,” Sirius said. “I just mean that they can try whatever they want on me, but in my heart, I know I won’t change for them. If they modify my memory or Imperius me, then it’s not really me who’s acting. They can’t take that from me, no matter what. But you know what, sir? I think the Dark Lord knows that already. I think he’s willing to Imperius others, but I don’t think he’ll be so fast to do that to me.”

Dumbledore eyed him carefully, suppressing a smirk. “Why is that, then?”

“He’s as much an idealist as you are, sir, perhaps even more so,” Sirius explained. “I don’t think he’ll be truly satisfied unless he has me for real, by my choice. But I won’t give him that, no matter what.”

Dumbledore nodded. “Well I just hope you’re right on that, Sirius. But just as a precaution, I must implore you to act with special caution from now on. I won’t restrict your movements unless I feel it’s necessary, however, I want you to promise me that you won’t do anything rash.”

Sirius looked down for a moment. “Alright, sir. I promise. Say, did you hear about Severus’ father?”

“Yes, I heard,” Dumbledore replied. “I attended the funeral, in fact. Your brother was there, though we did not speak. He seemed quite overwhelmed by it.”

“Is Severus alright?”

Dumbledore shook his head. “No, he’s not. I’d like to tell you more, Sirius, but it’s not my place. As you may know, Severus prefers to guard his privacy very jealously. I do know he is spending quite a lot of time with your brother, and that he has met your mother.”

“Damn,” Sirius muttered. “I was hoping he wouldn’t meet her. Look, sir, I mean you know that we don’t get on or anything…”

“To say the least.”

“Right. Sir, isn’t there anything you can do to keep him from the rest of them? You know what will happen now he’s met my mother!”

“I know,” Dumbledore replied. “But why should you care what happens to Severus Snape?”

“Because I don’t want anyone joining the Dark Lord! It’s a death sentence that I wouldn’t even wish on him! Severus may be an officious, pompous prat now, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be like that in future.”

“And if he makes this choice to join Voldemort independently?”

“That’s not how it works, that is, unless you’re barking mad like my cousin, Bellatrix,” Sirius said. “It’s like a seduction, and someone like Severus is extremely valuable to the Dark Lord. Severus knows all that dark magic and he has that bloody imperious attitude, and I know the Dark Lord will exploit that as much as he can. And then when he’s used every last scrap of Severus’ abilities, he’ll just throw him out, just like he does to everyone else!”

Dumbledore sighed and took a long drink from his brandy snifter. “I can assure you I am doing everything in my power to prevent this, Sirius. I agree that Severus is extremely vulnerable, but I won’t get in the way of his freedom to make that choice. If he gets seduced, it won’t be against his will.”

Sirius scowled. “And if he goes, he’ll take my brother down with him.”

“Your brother was already going down that road. Regulus isn’t quite fifteen yet,” Dumbledore explained. “I still believe you have a chance to intervene, only you can’t aggravate Severus any longer. Regulus is too close to him, and he’ll see it as more treason and bullying on your part. Be good to Severus and you might win your brother’s heart back.”

But that was easier said than done.

* * * *

Sirius didn’t hear a single word from anyone in his family the entire summer, apart from that run-in with Regulus in Diagon Alley. This did not, however, stop Sirius from thinking and fretting and worrying about his brother every day, and though the rest of the summer passed as one of the very best in his memory, Sirius didn’t forget his brother. In fact, it made him pine for Regulus all the more, wishing that he could have joined them in all their antics these last, wonderful weeks.

Thus, the prospect of going back to school weighed heavily on Sirius, perhaps more so now than ever before. Regulus would turn fifteen the second week of school, and once that happened, Sirius knew he had only one more year to reach his brother and try to prevent him from joining the Death Eaters. For the last few days of summer, Sirius agonised over what he would say to Regulus, and in addition to that, how he might possibly bring himself to be halfway decent to Severus.

“Don’t mention his father,” Lily said. She sat with the Marauders on the train, she and James with their arms wrapped around each other affectionately.

“But wouldn’t it be nice to condole with him, you know, lend him our support?” Sirius asked.

Lily snorted at that. “Since when were you ever interested in being supportive of Severus?” she asked with a snigger.

“Is that a crime, to want to be a decent bloke for a change?” Sirius replied.

Lily grinned. “I guess Mr. Potter’s had a good influence on you, Sirius!”

Remus laughed. “Right, Lily, Mr. Potter has. Not James.”

Lily made a face. “James? Since when we he ever a good influence?”

“So what are you doing with him?” Remus retorted. “Converting the wicked?”

“Something like that.” She leaned over and gave James a quick kiss on the lips.

Petigrew stood up, looking a little rattled. “Say, Padfoot, you wanna go find the trolley? I want a chocolate frog!”

And so, they left Remus and the two lovebirds alone for a while and made their way down the passageway, searching out the trolley. So when Pettigrew suddenly stopped in front of a compartment with Cassius, Damien, Severus and Regulus inside, Sirius groaned in protest.

“Let’s just say hello,” Pettigrew insisted. “Come on, Padfoot, he’s your brother!”

“You go on in, but I’ll wait out here,” Sirius grumbled.

“You have to talk to him, especially since you nearly choked him!”

“I already did, Wormy! It didn’t do any good! Look, you can say hello, but I’m going to search for that chocolate frog.” With that, Sirius stormed off, muttering mutinously to himself, rebuking himself for his own weakness and fear. Pettigrew was right, after all, and in light of what Dumbledore said to him earlier, Sirius knew that he would eventually need to speak to Regulus and even to Severus. But what to say? And when? 


	29. The Gift

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _There was every chance this little plan would fail miserably. On the other hand, it just might work. Sirius wrapped the present for Regulus in green paper, tying it up with a silver ribbon that McGonagall had brought back for him from town._
> 
> _“He’s going to love it,” James said as he watched Sirius put the finishing touches on the present._
> 
> _“I hope so.”_

“What was that Severus is wearing?” Sirius asked Pettigrew as they rejoined the Marauders.

Pettigrew shrugged. “New robes?”

“Where did he get them?” Sirius wondered.

“Diagon Alley, I reckon,” Pettigrew replied.

“Well I know that! But come on! We all know that Severus isn’t exactly even close to being middle class! Where did he get the money for those robes, I mean, they’re pretty sharp!”

Everyone turned to Lily, but she only shrugged. “I have no idea. They moved, you know, right after Mr. Snape passed away. I guess they ended up somewhere in the North. He didn’t tell me.”

“Why not?” James mused.

“Dunno. Sev and I have had a bit of a rough patch these days…”

“Oh, you mean since he called you a mudblood?” Sirius said lightly.

Lily scowled. “Something like that. I’ve always tried to be good to him, but he’s so damn stubborn and proud! I really want to like him, you know? We’ve known each other for so long. Severus was the one who sort of brought me into the magical world. He knew I was a witch even before I did!”

James laughed. “Interfering bastard from the get-go then?”

She elbowed him hard in the ribs. “No, stupid!” But then she laughed. “We used to play such jokes on Petunia, my sister! One time we shrank her bicycle so small she had to use a magnifying glass to see it properly! Of course we changed it back.”

Sirius sat up, intrigued. “You don’t talk about your sister much, Evans,” he said. “What’s she like?”

“A scared rabbit most of the time,” Lily replied sharply. Everyone laughed. “She thinks I’m a freak.”

“You are a freak,” Sirius said.

“So are you!” she shot back. “And when Sev used to come for dinner, I thought Petunia would actually melt into the grass from fear!”

“So Sniv didn’t make her melt into the grass?” Sirius asked.

Lily stuck out her tongue at him. “So now she’s just starting dating this bloke she met at school, some bloke called Vernon Dursley. They look so odd together, I mean, she’s very skinny and he’s...not.”

“They sound like a right pair of tossers,” Sirius noted with a sniff.

“That’s not very nice, Sirius,” Remus scolded.

“Why not? I have a tosser for a brother. Why should Evans here be any different because she’s muggle-born?”

“Tuney and I were always close, you know, and then all this magic stuff sort of came between us. Once I was set to go to Hogwarts, she wanted to go, too, but of course that was impossible.”

“So she took it out on you?” James asked.

“Sort of.”

Sirius glanced out the window and scowled.

* * * *

Finally they reached Hogsmeade station--as the train slowed to a halt, everyone in the compartment jumped up to grab trunks, sweets, gobstones, comics, and everything else. James took care to fetch Lily’s trunk for her, and she took care to collect all his magazines, which she stuffed into her own bag. Hand in hand, the two of them jostled their way into the crowded passageway, pushing their way towards the exit. Remus walked right behind them, with Pettigrew next--Sirius noticed him glance back towards Regulus and a staring Severus Snape, but then quickly turn and make his way out right behind Remus. In the background, Sirius could hear Severus snapping at a Ravenclaw boy, but he didn’t stay around to listen.

The air outside felt crisp, refreshing, a relief from the staleness of the long train ride. One by one, carriages took new groups of students up to the school, pulled along by those strange, beautiful creatures. As they waited for the next carriage to take them up the long road to the school, Sirius couldn’t help but notice how Damien, Evan, Cassius and Regulus stood around Severus like an entourage of vassals, as if he had somehow become a man of influence and power. Maybe it was the fancy robes that did the trick, or maybe they all just felt sorry for him because of his father’s death. Regulus told crude jokes, most of which Severus didn’t find remotely funny—but Evan and Cassius howled. The Carrows had gone off in a previous carriage, stuck with a bunch of Hufflepuff Third Years.

The Marauders, on the other hand, stood a few feet away, now debating furiously.

“I’m going to say something,” James said quietly.

“Don’t, James, please,” Lily replied adamantly.

“But I feel bad for him! It would be civil to say something,” James said.

“Leave him alone! He won’t take it like you intended,” she insisted.

“Let me be nice to him for a change!” James shot back.

“I think you should,” Remus agreed.

“Guys…” Lily started, but it was too late. James had already left the group, making his way to the little Slytherin cabal. “He’s such a prat!” she whispered to Remus.

“Snape!” James said aloud, now nearing them cautiously as if they might do something to him if he moved too quickly.

Severus turned around at the sound of his name, looking mortified to see that James Potter was the one that spoke. Severus stayed put.

“What do you want, Potter?” he asked indignantly. Damien and Cassius glared at James, arms folded defiantly, as if their wide stance was a sign of impending doom to anyone who dared take on Severus.

James looked glumly at him, now inching forward with some hesitation. “Listen, can I talk to you for a second?”

“What do you want, Potter?” Regulus asked sharply.

“Nothing from you, Black!” James shot back. He swallowed hard. “Look, man, Sirius told me about…well, he told me about your father.”

Severus suppressed his rage just then, narrowing his eyes at James. “And?” Severus moved towards him menacingly. “What? Are you going to tell me how sorry you are? Are you going to shower me with your simpering pity? I relish the event, Potter.”

James stepped back and sighed, frustrated—to Severus’ visible delight, he actually looked wounded. “You know, man, I was just going to offer some condolences, but if you’re such a tosser that you can’t even let someone be bloody nice to you, then hell with you. Lily was right about you all along.”

With that, James turned on his heel and returned to his friends. 

“Well, I tried,” he said, exasperated.

Lily frowned. “I told you it was a bad idea. “You can’t do that to someone like him! He’s too guarded!”

Sirius threw a mirthful glance in Severus’ direction and smirked. “See? He knows you’re onto him! You’ll be having the Ministry after his arse soon!” Everyone laughed at that.

“Right, Padfoot, and then they’ll stick around to arrest you for the crime of being your mother’s son!” James retorted. They all laughed again, but suddenly, Pettigrew’s face fell.

“What?” Sirius asked, cuffing him on the shoulder.

“They wouldn’t do that to you, would they?” he asked softly.

“Arrest me for being a Black? Who knows?” Sirius replied. “The Ministry’s done crazy stuff before, so I suppose anything is possible. I’ll just have to be extra good, then!”

James mussed Sirius’ hair roughly. “You don’t have it in you to be extra good!”

Sirius laughed. “Oh well. I guess you’ll just have to come and visit me in Azkaban, then.”

But any fears of Azkaban, real or imagined, would have to be set aside for the time being. Regulus’ fifteenth birthday rapidly approached, and Sirius had no idea what to do about it. He wanted to get his brother a gift, something special that Regulus would remember and even appreciate. The biggest problem Sirius faced was that the first Hogsmeade weekend wasn’t until long after Regulus’ birthday had come and gone.

Considering that people were commissioned to kidnap him at any given moment, Regulus knew that getting special permission to go into Hogsmeade was likely out of the question, however, if he got something by owl post, it likely wouldn’t arrive in time.

“Maybe I could go for you,” James suggested the next morning at breakfast. All the Sixth Year students waited eagerly for their NEWT schedules, the Marauders included. “I could use my cloak or something.”

“To purchase something in town?” Remus laughed. “I don’t think a proprietor would give his business to an invisible client.”

“It’s too bad you don’t know someone who lives in town,” James said.

“Maybe Professor McGonagall could go,” Pettigrew suggested. “You know, give her some money and ask her if she could pick something up from town for you. Tell her it’s for your brother.”

“Maybe,” Sirius mused. “I guess it wouldn’t hurt to ask.”

When Professor McGonagall showed up a few minutes later with their schedules, Sirius decided to take advantage of the situation and ask her. Schedules first, of course. Sirius was cleared to take NEWT courses in all the important subjects: Charms, Transfiguration, Potions, and Defence against the Dark Arts. He also chose to take courses in NEWT Astronomy and Arithmancy, but no more History of Magic. James’ schedule was exactly the same, as was Remus’. Pettigrew’s was a bit different, as he didn’t achieve quite as many OWLs as the rest. Thus, he took Charms, Transfiguration, and Potions, but not Defence or Arithmancy.

“Lucky,” James said, patting Pettigrew on the back. “You get an extra free period!”

Just as Professor McGonagall had turned to leave, Sirius spoke up. “Professor, do you suppose I could have a private word with you today?”

Professor McGonagall raised a skeptical eyebrow, but then relented. “And what is it you want, Mr. Black?”

Sirius stood up and motioned for her to step aside, away from the prying ears of the rest of the group. This irritated her more than he intended, so Sirius knew to talk fast before she lost patience and changed her mind.

“See, Professor, my brother’s birthday is next week and I want to get him something…”

“And with a plot on to kidnap you, I am not permitting you to leave the school!”

“No, I understand that, Professor! But could...could you?”

“Could I what?” she asked, furrowing her brow.

“I have plenty of money here. If I gave you ten Galleons or something, could you sort of...get something for me, I mean, the next time you’re in town?”

“Ten Galleons? Goodness, Mr. Black! What are you planning?”

“Well I don’t know.” He looked down, feeling more than a little foolish just then. “See, Regulus and I haven’t gotten on at all for a while and I wanted to...try and fix it, you know?”

Her features softened a little. “Listen, I have an idea for you, but it will turn into a bit of a project for you. Are you up for it?”

“I guess so.”

“Good, then come to my offices this evening and I shall explain.”

* * * *

Of course, there was every chance this little plan would fail miserably. On the other hand, it just might work. Sirius wrapped the present for Regulus in green paper, tying it up with a silver ribbon that McGonagall had brought back for him from town.

“He’s going to love it,” James said as he watched Sirius put the finishing touches on the present.

“I hope so.”

The morning of the ninth, Sirius awoke from a restless sleep, his mind filled with new worries and doubts. Over and again he had to convince himself that he was doing the right thing, that this was just what Regulus would love and that it would show Regulus beyond a shadow of a doubt that Sirius truly did care about him. That didn’t make getting through his breakfast any easier, especially when Sirius saw all the celebration going on over at the Slytherin table. All Regulus’ friends had bombarded him with gifts and congratulations, making Sirius more nervous than ever. He would have to find the right time to give Regulus his gift, and maybe even to talk to him a little.

So many things seemed to interfere with his goals. He had lessons all day long, and then he got a detention from Professor Flitwick for not having homework, and then he had to return some library books and run to the owlery to send a note to Mr. Potter about something. When Sirius finally had a free moment, it was nearly dinnertime, and by then, Sirius was now deeply in conversation once again with Severus, sitting under an arch near the fountain.

Sirius gathered his quaking nerves, package in hand, and carefully approached the two of them, resolved not to say anything bad to Severus. Regulus glared at him as usual, but today at least, it wasn’t quite as fierce as usual. Maybe all the birthday celebrations had lightened his heart just a little.

“Hey, little bro,” Sirius said as happily as he could.

“Hey yourself,” Regulus replied coldly, sitting up straight and proud.

Sirius took a deep breath. “Listen, Severus, could you excuse us for a moment? Brother stuff.”

“You don’t have to go, Sev,” Regulus said.

“It’ll just be for five minutes, I promise,” Sirius replied. “It’s important.”

“I’ll see you in the Great Hall, Regulus,” Severus said, sweeping away grandly.

Sirius fought the urge to shout an insult at him, remembering Dumbledore’s warning to him. Instead, he sat next to his brother, amazed and relieved that Regulus didn’t get up and leave, though Regulus did scoot back a few feet, as though Sirius had just farted or had bad breath.

“So, it’s happy fifteenth, right?” Sirius said lightly.

“I’m glad you can still count.”

Sirius laughed. “Yeah, well, spending time around Pettigrew isn’t so good for my IQ, though I guess he has his uses!”

To Sirius’ shock, Regulus actually chuckled at his joke. “Mother and Father sent me a huge package this year, plus they put ten thousand in my vault!”

“That’s great!” Sirius replied, now masking a twinge of envy. His parents hadn’t sent him a birthday package since he turned thirteen. “I hope you don’t mind, Regulus, but I sort of got you something.”

“Maybe I don’t want it,” Regulus replied, his voice huffy all of a sudden.

“Look, if you hate it you can throw it away, but I wanted you to have it,” Sirius said, thrusting the green present at him. “Go on, open it.”

For a moment, Regulus rubbed his fingers together as if to free himself from some contagion he might have picked up from the package, but soon, his curiosity got the better of him and he tore into the package like an eager four year-old. His face fell as he pulled out the frame containing a picture of the two of them when they were little boys--both were dressed identically, and they had their arms around each other, giddy with joyous, hysterical laughter. Regulus’ upper lip trembled and he furtively reached up to rub his eyes.

“I remember that day,” he said softly.

“We finally got that manticore between the eyes,” Sirius laughed.

“Mr. Malfoy was so mad!”

“I remember that!” Sirius crowed. “I remember laughing because his face was so red it made his head look like a flaming torch!” They laughed.

“I guess that manticore wasn’t too chuffed, either,” Regulus pointed out.

Sirius smirked. “True. Then again, it is a manticore, I mean, it was us or it!”

Regulus smiled for a moment. “Why are you giving this to me, Sirius?”

“Because no matter what you or I do in life, we’re still brothers, and...I’ll always love you, kiddo.”

Regulus sniffled. “I really miss you, Sirius,” he confessed. “It’s not the same any more.”

Sirius nodded. “I know. I’m sorry.” Now he sniffled.

“Mother is…” Regulus started. But then he stopped, now rubbing his eyes again.

“She’s what?” Sirius asked.

“Nothing. She’s the same.”

Sirius nodded. He understood. “Look, if you ever want to talk or whatever...I’m here. I know I wasn’t before, but I am now. You get that, right?”

“Yeah.” Regulus dried his eyes on his sleeve and looked at Sirius. “I wish I were like you.”

But before Sirius could reply, Regulus jumped up and scurried off, leaving Sirius under the arch by the babbling fountain, alone, heart heaving, mind racing. Where would they go from there? All Sirius could do was wish and wait and hope.


	30. Two Brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Instinctively, Sirius wanted to wrap his arms around his brother and protect him, shield him from the horrors that awaited him should he enter the Death Eaters. He wanted to throw Regulus behind him and fire angry curses at their mother, striking her down so she couldn’t touch Regulus any more._

He felt like he was walking on eggshells. One conversation. One. It was good. No animosity, no bad feelings. A few tears...almost.

Sirius didn’t know what to think about this. As much as he wanted to confide all this in his friends, he hedged, wondering if perhaps it was better just to keep this little moment between himself and Regulus. Just two brothers trying to put up with each other, struggling towards something that resembled a reconciliation.

Could it be?

Instinctively, Sirius wanted to wrap his arms around his brother and protect him, shield him from the horrors that awaited him should he enter the Death Eaters. He wanted to throw Regulus behind him and fire angry curses at their mother, striking her down so she couldn’t touch Regulus any more.

He didn’t see much of Regulus over the next few days, however, mostly because Regulus’ friends determined to keep him extremely busy celebrating his birthday and his last year of freedom before changing forever. Sirius watched them all with a mix of nausea and morbid curiosity. It was fascinating and sickening to see boys like Cassius Avery and Evan Rosier and the lumpish Damien Mulciber all fawning over Regulus as if he were a majestic doge holding court.

Only Severus didn’t fawn, much to Sirius’ relief, as it were. He had to admit that there truly was something special, something different about Severus Snape. There was a confident air he carried, especially these days, as if their humiliation of him after their exams only served to strengthen him and empower him further. Sirius wondered at that, impressed by Severus’ resolve and sheer psychological stamina. How could it be that someone with such a strange physical appearance, this boy who was all nose and long white legs, could manage to hold his head high and command respect from his peers?

There were days when Sirius wished he could be a little like that. True, he held a confidence of his own, especially now that his conscience was clear and he was free from his mother’s influence. But there was a softness to Sirius that he didn’t see in Severus, though he looked for it all the time. There had to be some Achilles Heel of his, some vulnerable spot to Severus, yet he had become so emotionally distant and inscrutable these days that he had become even more of a mystery to Sirius. 

He mentioned his curiosity to James from time to time, but that was no good. James was so busy carrying on with Lily these days that he couldn’t get anywhere near him. Remus, on the other hand…

“I think he’s practicing Occlumency,” Remus declared one October day at lunch. Remus was unusually hungry that day, now working his way through his third hamburger and his fourth pile of chips.

“You reckon?” Sirius replied. James and Lily sat next to him, feeding each other chips and giggling softly.

“He has to be,” Remus said.

“But that makes me wonder why,” Sirius mused. “I mean, you don’t use Occlumency unless you’re determined to keep someone out.”

“You know how private he is.”

“Yeah, but who else here is a Legilimens?” Sirius asked. “You have to be a Legilimens to penetrate the mind like that, which is why one would want to learn Occlumency, only I don’t think Sniv knows any Legilimens.”

Remus set down his burger and frowned. “You don’t think he met the...You-Know-Who, do you?”

“Gods, I hope not! I know he met my mother, but I think Regulus would have told me if Sniv met the Dark Lord. He’d make sure I knew, just to make me angry!”

Remus grinned. “So you guys are getting along again?”

Sirius shrugged. “A little, I suppose.”

“Do you miss him?”

Sirius paused. “Yeah,” he confessed. “We had some good times, Remus. Really good. He’s a lot of fun when he’s not being brainwashed by my mother. Dumbledore told me to be nice to him...and to Sniv.”

Remus laughed at that. “That should take some doing, especially if he is a Legilimens!”

James surfaced from a prolonged song in order to make a comment. “Invite him to sit with us!” he said, then resumed showering Lily’s neck with butterfly kisses.

“Snivellus?” Remus asked, crinkling his nose.

James surfaced again. “No, stupid, Regulus!” More kisses.

“Oh come on, he’d never go for it!” Sirius laughed.

Or would he? Sirius glanced again at his brother, now laughing at Amycus Carrow. Next to him, Severus sat tall and proud, totally engrossed in a book, ignoring the antics all around him. What would he and Regulus talk about should Regulus come to the Gryffindor table? And if he did come, what would Regulus’ friends say to him? Would it be fair to do that to him, even if it were for a good cause? Maybe the slow approach was best, at least for now.

* * * *

A week later, as the older students trudged down the lane towards Hogsmeade for a few hours of unsupervised fun, Sirius spotted Regulus walking several paces ahead of him, joking about with Barty Crouch and Evan Rosier. Sirius briefly wondered where Severus was, assuming he would be attached at the hip to Regulus, as they had become so often this term.

“I’ll see you guys later, at the Three Broomsticks,” Sirius said to the Marauders, now speeding up to catch Regulus. He picked up the pace, hands dug into his pockets, walking straight at the little group of Slytherin Fifth Years, hoping that Regulus would call him out.

It worked.

“Hey ugly!” Regulus sneered.

Sirius stopped and turned around to face him, which made Regulus howl with laughter.

“You always fall for that one!” he crowed.

Sirius laughed. “Hey, I’m not ugly, I’m just humble!”

“Yeah, right!” Regulus kicked a pile of leaves at Sirius, who kicked them back. 

Regulus then threw a rock at Sirius, but with a flick of his wand, Sirius made it turn into a pink, bouncing rubber ball, which he then tossed back at his brother.

“Very clever!” Regulus shouted. But what was this? Did he sound...happy?

Regulus tossed the ball back to Sirius, more gently this time. Back and forth, back and forth they went with the pink ball, until finally, just as they had reached the edge of town, Regulus charged head first at Sirius and body-slammed him hard to the ground. Pulling up a few paces away, a concerned James rushed forward to break up the fight...but what was this? Sirius had grabbed onto Regulus by the ankle and made him fall face-first onto the ground, but then Regulus scrambled back, shrieking with laughter, and took a strong hold of Sirius by the hair, trying to flip him over. But Sirius fought back, panting hard, grinning broadly as he pulled Regulus into vicious half-nelson and spun him back down again.

“Honestly, you two,” a stern Professor McGonagall said to them disparagingly.

Regulus and Sirius helped each other up, dusting each other off, unable to stop laughing.

“Oh my gods, we haven’t done that in a long time!” Sirius said, putting an arm around Regulus’ shoulders. It amazed him just then how tall Regulus had grown, even a little taller than Sirius by then.

Regulus slapped Sirius on the back. “Sorry, Professor. This was nothing! Our parents have had to break up more fights when we were kids!”

“True,” Sirius laughed. “Remember when I broke that vase that turned out to be a one-of-a-kind treasure from some ancient culture?”

“Didn’t you have to sleep on the roof at Blackstone?” Regulus asked.

“For a bloody week! I don’t think she ever forgave me for that one.” Suddenly, Sirius turned to Professor McGonagall, who watched them with a mixture of mirth and disgust. “Say, Professor, we’re not in trouble, are we? We were just wrestling, not fighting. It’s just a brother thing.”

She nodded. “Very well then. Just be careful no one around gets in the way. I don’t want anyone getting injured because by your ‘brother thing’.”

“Right, Professor,” Sirius replied politely, though he suppressed a smirk. After she had walked off, out of earshot, Sirius gave Regulus another shove. “Hey, booger, you wanna steal food from the kitchens some night after hours and go out by the lake? I haven’t terrorised the Giant Squid in a while!”

Regulus laughed. “You’ve been in Gryffindor too long, big bro! I can’t have my brother turn into a pansy! Hey, come sit with us some time!”

“You mean at the Slytherin table?” As much as Sirius doubted his brother’s wisdom, he felt tempted nonetheless.

“Sure! The guys won’t mind as long as they know you’re with me.

“I think you’re being optimistic, Reg.”

“Trust me, Sirius, they won’t complain. Please?”

This wasn’t exactly how Sirius had planned this out, but on the other hand, he didn’t feel as if he were in a position to negotiate, and suddenly, he saw a certain brilliance in Regulus’ plan.

He bent down and picked up another pile of leaves, which he stuffed down the back of Regulus’ robes. Running off, Sirius shouted, “Tonight, right?”

Regulus waved like he used to, excited just to be in his brother’s presence. “See you tonight, you bastard!”

Sirius caught up with the Marauders at the Three Broomsticks, where they had all stopped in for a cold butterbeer and plate of fresh cauldron cakes. He grabbed two cakes and ordered an extra large butterbeer before he plunked down next to Pettigrew.

Remus rolled his eyes at him. “You guys are so weird,” he said.

“Brother stuff,” Sirius replied.

“Is that what you guys were like growing up?” Lily asked.

“Mostly, only slightly more violent. You can’t grow up without a little bloodshed, right?”

James grinned. “You must have been the biggest pain in the arse, Padfoot!”

“Yeah, pretty much.” Sirius stuffed a whole cauldron cake into his mouth and washed it down noisily with his butterbeer. Lily made a face. “Oh yeah, so he invited me to sit with the Slytherins tonight for dinner.”

James nearly bobbled his mug. “You’re not going, are you?”

“Of course!”

“But what about the plot against you?”

“My brother invited me to sit with him, Prongs! Don’t you know what that means?”

“Yeah. Watch your back,” James said with a snarl.

“Just don’t let yourself be fooled,” Remus warned.

Sirius glared at him. “Exactly what are you suggesting?”

“Nothing.”

“That’s bullshit, James! Look, if you think I’m going running back to those people, then you’re mistaken, alright? I made my choice and I’m committed to it, so just lay off!” He sat back and pouted.

“I think you’re being a little hard on James, to tell the truth,” Remus noted. “He’s just watching your back, mate.”

“I gave up everything,” Sirius hissed. “EVERYTHING! Home, family, future! What do you think I was doing this summer? I was supposed to become a Death Eater this summer, and instead, I walked away from that, and if I have to give up my money, then I’ll do that, too! But I can still be humane to my own brother, and I can sit with his friends without betraying anyone! I am so sick of these bloody accusations!”

Remus leaned forward and put a hand on Sirius’ arm. “No one is accusing you, Sirius,” he said, trying his best to calm Sirius down. “We’re just concerned about you. We know you lost everything, mate. It was an incredible, brave sacrifice you made. Just don’t let those apes manipulate you.”

Sirius closed his eyes for a moment, struggling to regain his composure. “Sorry, guys. I’m sorry I lost my cool. Look, just trust me, alright? It’s going to be fine.”

* * * *

Dinner that night was a challenge, but something Sirius wanted to see through to the end, knowing that his old friends would likely be pretty hostile towards him. And sure enough, true to form, they did not disappoint. The moment Damien Mulciber laid his beady little eyes on Sirius, he instinctively reached for his wand, his yellow teeth bared. It was only when Regulus stood up and grandly welcomed Sirius with open arms that Damien relaxed his stance, though he looked thoroughly confused.

“Had enough of blood traitors and mudbloods?” he growled as Sirius sat next between Cassius and Evan.

“Is it a crime to want to have dinner with my own brother?” Sirius shot back.

“Mulciber, just shut it, alright?” Regulus whined. “Come on, boys, Sirius is our old friend, right?”

“Yeah right,” Damien grumbled.

“So where’s Sniv...er...Severus?” Sirius asked as he poured himself some pumpkin juice.

“Sick,” Regulus replied. “Actually, I have no idea. He was in a bad mood today, so he’s probably sulking in the library or something, sitting in his usual dark corner.”

“Figures,” Sirius replied, relieved that at least he wouldn’t have to face him like this. Should Severus have been there, Sirius was sure the scene would have been more excruciating than it already was.

So thank the gods Regulus was in rare form that night. Like James did so often, Regulus told stories, imitated people, laughed and teased and kept everyone around him highly entertained. What struck Sirius as curious was that this night, Regulus didn’t tell his usual mudblood jokes. Rather, he kept it to crass sexual humour and jokes about homosexuals. That made Sirius feel bad, knowing what Regulus was. He knew why Regulus was telling these jokes, but it didn’t make it any easier for Sirius to hear. But he said nothing, preferring to allow himself to be pulled into the vortex, along with everyone else at the table.

Out of the corner of his eye, Sirius could see James and Remus scowling at him or giving him questioning glances, but for now, Sirius decided to ignore them. This was something special, something he’d longed for and no one was going to spoil this rare moment. 

“Tell us about that night you guys went muggle-baiting!” Cassius exclaimed to Regulus.

Regulus blushed lightly. “You’re just jealous because you didn’t get to go!”

“Hey, Sirius, you ever go muggle-baiting?” Damien sneered.

“No!” Sirius spat. “I have better things to do.”

“It’s just pranks on muggles!” Damien retorted.

Sirius scowled. “Not when you go with my cousin, right Reg?”

Regulus looked down briefly--his face fell for just a quick moment, but just as quickly, he grinned. “Sev went with us this time!”

“Oh good gods,” Sirius droned. “Tell me he didn’t kill anyone!”

“He didn’t!” Regulus replied defencively. His eyes wandered again, a little lost for a brief moment. “I don’t really know what became of those muggles.”

Had they been alone, Sirius would have pressed the subject, getting the truth out of his brother some way or another. With the boys here, and with everything going so well, Sirius decided to back off, though he could see that something terrible had happened. He mourned that Regulus had either done something unforgivable or had at least witnessed it. Whatever it was, Sirius decided that the truth was for another day. Onward.

Sirius laughed. “Well whatever it was, I bet it can’t compare to our days terrorising the Malfoy manticore!”

“They still have one?” Barty asked.

“Last time I heard, they had three,” Sirius replied.

Regulus shook his head. “Two now. They keep killing each other! Mr. Malfoy wants to set them free in London, just as a joke, but so far he hasn’t done that.”

Sirius smirked. “And what does Lucius say to that?”

Regulus glared at him. “I have no idea.”

Sirius mussed Regulus’ hair, once again letting a touchy subject drop. He kept reminding himself that this was a night for good times, not for pressure or stress. Sirius gave Regulus a shove and flicked a pea at him. Regulus took a piece of cauldron cake and tried to mash it in Sirius’ hair, only Sirius dodged out of the way so that Damien ended up getting a face full of cake. The table exploded in raucous laughter as a furious Damien cleaned the mess off his nose and chin. Sirius and Regulus high-fived each other. James Potter was not amused by the joke, however, and from a distance, Sirius could feel his friend’s displeasure, which Sirius decided to ignore...for now.

In time, Janis Nott came by, and spotting Sirius sitting with the Slytherin boys, made her way directly to him, smiling kittenishly. “Hey, you,” she said, sashaying past.

Sirius grabbed her by the hand and pulled her towards himself. “Hey yourself, sexy,” he purred. He nibbled on her ear, making her giggle.

“So are we ever going to have that date we were supposed to have last year,” she asked, “or am I going to have to tie you down and have my way with you?”

“You should have a threesome with Amycus!” Regulus suggested, which made everyone hoot and howl at them.

Sirius rolled his eyes and stood up, putting an arm around Janis’ slender shoulders. “Gentlemen, little bro, I’m afraid I’m very late for a date, and so I’ll see you all soon.” Turning to Janis, he kissed her on the mouth and winked at her. “Shall we?”

* * * * *

Unfortunately for Sirius, James’ displeasure continued on even when they returned to the Gryffindor common room. Sirius returned to Gryffindor after a very long, extremely intense...reunion...with Janis, finding James and Lily cuddling on the sofa near the hearth, whispering little sweet-nothings in each other’s ear and giggling softly. All that warmth ended, however, when Sirius bounded inside.

James turned his face from Sirius, staring intently into the flames of the hearth. Lily kissed his throat, but then she stood up, gave Sirius a little pat on the arm and retired to the girls’ dorm, leaving Sirius alone with James and Remus.

“Hey,” Sirius said lightly, taking a seat next to Remus. He sensed an argument coming.

“Hey yourself,” James replied coldly.

“So are you still mad at me? You disapprove of me?”

James shrugged and pouted. “You made your choice, like you said. Who am I to tell you not to sit with a bunch of Death Eaters?”

Sirius jumped up, incensed. “My gods, James! You really don’t get it!” Just as he was about to storm off, James stopped him.

“You just can’t resist their pull, can you?” he sneered. “And of course, they drag out the little slut just to reel you in farther!”

Sirius rounded on James, who had also gotten to his feet, fists clenched.

“You can be such as ass sometimes, Potter!” Sirius seethed. “This was a big moment for me in case you missed it, you ponce!”

“Right! A moment for you to get back on the inside and get a little action from Janis Nott as well!”

Sirius’ mind reeled from disbelief and betrayal. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this from you of all people! After everything that’s happened, and you turn around and make an accusation like that! You were the one who said it was okay for me to love my brother and now you’re pulling this shit on me?”

“Sirius, hang on a minute!” James replied, now pleading.

But it was too late. Sirius turned on his heel and strode out of the common room, straight to the boys’ dorm and directly into his bed, muttering mutinously all the way.


	31. Once a Black, Always a Black?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _He would have to talk to James, to have it out with him once and for all. That much Sirius knew, yet it was the last thing he wanted to do. Holding onto his anger like a talisman made him feel good, or at least powerful. But he started to feel empty just then, as if the absence of James even from a simple breakfast signaled a deeper emptiness, a more profound loss that Sirius wasn’t so sure he was ready to endure. Things were too tenuous with Regulus, too uncertain, and if he lost them both, he might not be able to survive the pain._

Sirius Black had lain in his bed for nearly fifteen minutes, sniffling and still muttering, not realising that he wasn’t alone.

“Hey!”

A voice shook Sirius out of his fury, and when he turned over and sat up, he saw a very concerned Peter Pettigrew sitting on the edge of his bed, looking stricken and worried.

“What happened?” Pettigrew asked, noticing Sirius’ red eyes and angry, hurt expression. “Why did you guys fight like that?”

“You think you’re friends with someone and then you turn around and...forget it.” He sighed heavily. “It’s just, it’s like no matter what I do or how good I try to be and someone is always going to accuse me of being a Death Eater or something, just because of my family!”

Pettigrew nodded. “Well, your family is pretty notorious.”

“And I gave it all up! All of it! I should change my name except that I look so much like my brother that no one would believe me anyway. You know what, Peter? I bet that if anything terrible were to happen even to one of you guys, I’d be accused, and why? Because I’m a Black!”

“That’s not true,” Pettigrew replied.

“Right, Wormy! So just because Bellatrix Black is my cousin and my other cousin is engaged to a Malfoy and my mother is an old school chum of the Dark Lord, but no, they’ll just overlook all that and see my true self? Please! Even my own friends can’t see it!”

“You mean Prongs?”

“I mean everyone!” Sirius said bitterly.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Padfoot,” Pettigrew replied adamantly. “You don’t have to apologise for wanting to be nice to Regulus. I think it’s great that you guys are getting along again.”

Sirius frowned. “Well I’m relieved that at least one person gets it.”

Pettigrew grinned wickedly. “So, Janis?”

Sirius blushed. “Yeah?”

“So what did she do to you?”

Sirius laughed. “She’s got to be the most perverted girl I’ve ever met! She can do things with her...just incredible! She got me so worked up I think we woke up the Giant Squid!”

“Is she better than Cecilia?”

Sirius blanched. “What kind of question is that?”

Pettigrew sat back, thoroughly confused. “Well you’re the only one I know who’s...you know.”

“Peter, there is no way I’m going to compare a little shag machine like Janis Nott to a lovely girl like Cecilia! May I remind you that Cecilia is dead because of me! I can’t have this conversation.” He stood to return to the common room, that is, until he remembered that James was still out there.

“You’re right, Sirius,” Pettigrew said quickly. “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”

But then, Sirius smirked. “It’s alright, Wormy. You can’t help it, after all.”

“You’re going to make peace with Prongs, right?”

“Yeah, if he stops calling me a Death Eater.”

Pettigrew thought a moment. “So you’re not going back to all that?”

“No! How many times do I have to say it? I want to be good to my brother, but I will not return to my old way of life! If James Potter doesn’t get that, then he can go sod himself!” Sirius said at the top of his lungs.

“I get it, I get it! You don’t have to shout!”

“Maybe I do,” Sirius replied darkly.

* * * *

The next morning didn’t fare much better for Sirius and James. No sooner had Sirius arisen, ten minutes ahead of James, he quickly washed his face, brushed his teeth, dressed and rushed out before James had even stirred in his bed. Sirius dashed straight out the portrait-hole and went directly to the Great Hall for breakfast, eager to eat his bangers and eggs in peace and quiet. Spotting Regulus at a distance, Sirius grinned and waved. To his relief, Regulus waved back, though not enthusiastically. It made Sirius wonder a little. Perhaps Regulus had related their good time to Severus, and perhaps Severus disapproved and told Regulus to watch out for filthy blood-traitors.

A flare of anger bubbled upward in Sirius, making him irrationally furious for a brief moment, that is, until he realised that in a sense, James had done just the same thing to him. But James was different from Severus. James was on the right side of things. He cared about Sirius’ welfare and feared that Sirius might return to his former ways. What did Severus fear in Regulus? The thought bothered Sirius more than he cared to admit, but rather than letting both James and Severus off the proverbial hook, Sirius decided to remain angry at both of them.

After all, who did James think he was, pronouncing judgement on Sirius like that? They had been so close for so long, and for him suddenly to think even for a moment that Sirius might rejoin the Dark Lord cut deep into his heart. Of course, he had thought about this a thousand times in the space of just a few scant hours, yet the more he ruminated on it, the deeper his resentment grew. Sirius set down his fork and sighed. His head ached horribly just then.

He would have to talk to James, to have it out with him once and for all. That much Sirius knew, yet it was the last thing he wanted to do. Holding onto his anger like a talisman made him feel good, or at least powerful. But he started to feel empty just then, as if the absence of James even from a simple breakfast signaled a deeper emptiness, a more profound loss that Sirius wasn’t so sure he was ready to endure. Things were too tenuous with Regulus, too uncertain, and if he lost them both, he might not be able to survive the pain.

This, rather than dash off to the Library, as he should have, Sirius waited. And waited. And waited. Finally, after four large glasses of pumpkin juice and enough eggs and bangers to choke an Auror, James Potter arrived, his hair still wet from the shower, his face stolid and sober and focused on not looking for a moment at Sirius. Sitting at the opposite end of the Gryffindor table, James tucked into his oatmeal, not even bothering to interact with those around him.

Taking a big breath, Sirius stood up and slowly made his way to where James sullenly sat. Without a word, Sirius sat down next to Remus, who inched a little away from him. Pettigrew joined them as well, sitting next to James.  
 “Where’s Lily?” he asked.

James shrugged. More silence.

“Don’t you want to say something?” Pettigrew asked Sirius.

“If I can be heard, then yeah,” Sirius replied stiffly.

“No one wants to interrupt you, Sirius,” Remus said.

“That doesn’t mean you guys’ll listen.”

James sighed and rolled his eyes. “What do you want, Black?”

“Not to apologise, if that’s what you’re expecting of me.”

“I don’t expect anything from you these days,” James shot back.

Sirius suppressed the urge to hex him just then. “Let me ask you something, James. If you thought that Remus here was in danger of becoming like the man who turned him, like Fenrir Greyback, wouldn’t you want to step in and try to do something about it?”

James glared at him. “I wouldn’t hang out with Greyback and I wouldn’t be giving him high-fives! I can tell you that much!”

Sirius sat back and folded his arms across his chest. “Oh, I see, so I’ve committed the sin of being friendly towards someone you dislike? Is that it?”

“If you think your brother and those shit-for-brains idiots admitted you to their table for the sake of old friendship and brotherhood, then you’re a bigger fool than I thought!” James shot back.

“What am I supposed to do, James? Let him go to his fate without a word?”

“You’re just making excuses.”

Sirius clenched his fists so tightly his nails dug into his palms, but just as quickly, he relaxed his hands, struggling to find a fit response. “Can we finish this conversation somewhere else?” he asked quietly, furtively eyeing Regulus, who was now laughing at Alecto Carrow.

James slammed down his spoon and got to his feet, reluctantly following Sirius out of the Great Hall. Together, with Sirius six paces ahead, they made their way through the Entrance Hall and outside, heading to the a private nook near the lake.

“So what’s with the secrecy all of a sudden?” James asked impatiently.

“Look, I’m sorry Prongs…”

“Don’t you dare call me…”

“Will you just shut up and listen? I couldn’t say this with Regulus just a table away!”

“So are you going to tell me how great a guy your brother is or something?”

“What is wrong with you?” Sirius demanded hotly. “You’re talking pure rubbish! Regulus is fifteen now, and that means that in just one year, he’s going to become a Death Eater.”

“Yes, and…” James started.

“I have one year, James, ONE year to at least try and talk him out of this madness!”

“So you pretend to go to their side?” James sneered.

“No! You don’t understand! It’s like I said in the Great Hall, about Fenrir Greyback. I know you don’t have any siblings, but I also know that Remus is like a brother to you. You and I are close, but you have a special relationship with Remus. You’re as protective over him as I should be over Regulus.”

James scowled. “What of it?”

“You would do anything in the world to save Remus, wouldn’t you? And if you had to walk into a pack of werewolves to pull him away, then you would, right?”

James looked away. He nodded. “Yeah, I guess so,” he said glumly.

A sudden sob heaved up in Sirius, tearing through his chest treacherously, and it was all he could do to tamp it down. “If I don’t at least try to keep Regulus from this, then I couldn’t live with myself,” he said, his voice trembling a little. “I’ve let him down for a long time, and I can’t help but think that if I’d been more attentive to him, then maybe he wouldn’t be in this situation.”

“You don’t know that, Padfoot.”

“This is going to be a hard fight, but it’s something I have to do. The moment Regulus enters the Death Eaters, his life is over! He’s as good as dead! My brother talks a big game, but I know him, James! He’s not cut out for that kind of life, and I know that he’s no killer, but if he joins the Death Eaters, he won’t have a choice! And once the Dark Lord realises that Regulus can’t kill, he’ll toss him aside or worse! Can you please understand that?”

James shoved his hands in his pockets and paced up and down. “I guess so,” he mumbled.

“James, I need your support in this,” Sirius pleaded. “I’m not asking you to hang out with my brother or anything, but I’m asking you at least to be patient with me whilst I do what I can to end this! Can you at least not give me shit for that, please?”

James nodded. “Yeah. I’m sorry. But just promise me one thing, alright?”

“What’s that?”

“Don’t get all buddy-buddy with Snivellus. I don’t think I could put up with that.”

Sirius laughed. “I think I can guarantee that, mate.” Giving James a quick half-embrace, Sirius stepped back and rubbed his eyes. 

James put his hands on Sirius’ shoulders and looked straight into his eyes. “Just promise me you’ll be careful, Padfoot. It’s not worth your life.”

Sirius frowned at that. “Maybe it is.”

* * * *

It suddenly occurred to Sirius and James that, had it not been for Peter Pettigrew urging Sirius to speak up, they might not have reconciled, at least not on that day. For Sirius, it was a shocking moment of truth--he had been so doubtful of Pettigrew these days, so worried that Pettigrew’s acquaintance with the Blacks had made him sympathetic to the Dark Lord. But maybe Sirius was wrong there. After all, Pettigrew had been nothing but supportive of all the Marauders, and though he wasn’t the most talented wizard in the world, not the most sagacious, yet he had a way of bringing people together and bringing about reconciliation. That, Sirius concluded, was Pettigrew’s true gift.

Thus, he decided to set aside his doubts about Pettigrew and give him a chance. How could he not? He expected James to do the same for him, so how could he not do the same for another friend? Besides, though Pettigrew might be a little enamoured of people like Lucius, it wasn’t like he was an ardent follower of the man. Pettigrew had never expressed anything other than loyalty towards the Marauders and the Order of the Phoenix.

The rest of that term, therefore, went smoothly and quietly for Sirius. He spent a little more time with Regulus, though not so frequently at the Slytherin table. The more time he spent with his brother, Sirius noticed that Regulus seemed happier, more talkative, more receptive to Sirius’ presence and his ideas. Sirius liked that they could actually talk about politics a little and not have it devolve into a shouting match or a fistfight. 

Sirius hoped things were going in the right direction. He hoped that his influence was now overshadowing that of Severus’, though Sirius realised he had to be realistic. Severus was enormously powerful and incredibly persuasive without having to say a single word to someone as impressionable and vulnerable as Regulus Black. The force of Severus’ reputation, especially now that he had ingratiated himself to the Blacks over the summer, gave Sirius a new obstacle to overcome, making him more resentful of Severus than ever before.

And then, in the early weeks of January, Severus committed the unforgivable sin.


	32. The Unforgivable Sin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Severus didn’t seem to know at all when to stop. In fact, when he and Bellatrix stood up, Sirius nearly did, too. Sirius would have lunged at Bellatrix and ripped her from Severus, but just then, Severus did the unthinkable. To Sirius’ horror, Severus grabbed Bellatrix around the waist and engulfed her in such a wild, strange, passionate kiss that Bellatrix actually moaned aloud, as if he were taking her entirely. The next thing Sirius knew, Bellatrix and Severus dashed up the stairs together, disappearing into one of the bedrooms. Sounds of groaning and gasping and bellowing overpowered the noise of the crowd, making Sirius’ mind reel with shock and disgust._

This winter was snowier than usual, at least in Sirius’ memory. Snow drifts up to five feet sometimes blocked doors, and the ice on the footpaths around school left many students with broken legs or tailbones. Madame Pomfrey, the new Healer, found herself overrun by too many injuries from slips and falls on paths, stairs, and even a case of hypothermia from a Slytherin boy who fell through the ice on the lake. Once the boy recovered, he received five hours detention and a letter home.

That January also brought yet another Hogsmeade day for the older students, and so, along with all his peers, Sirius and the Marauders trudged happily down the long path towards the little town, viciously throwing snowballs at each other and attempting to bury James in piles of snow and frost. Each time, however, he fought his way out of it, and finally, one of the Ravenclaw Prefects put an end to their mission.

Sirius had been aware for several days that a new milestone had been reached--Severus Snape turned seventeen just a few days earlier, thus making him an adult, a fully qualified wizard, or at least close to it. On the one hand, Sirius couldn’t help but feel a bit envious of Severus--all his choices were his own now, with no one standing over him telling him what to do with his life. Sirius wished for that kind of freedom in his own life, but wondered whether he would ever get it, even after he’d turned seventeen. But this milestone also made him worry--an adult, unsupervised, totally liberated Severus Snape could only mean trouble, and as much as Sirius had striven to leave Severus alone and not taunt him any more, for Regulus’ sake, he suspected disaster.

But this wasn’t a day to worry about Severus Snape. Rather, this was a day to enjoy himself with his friends in Hogsmeade. And who knew? Maybe Regulus and he would get into another legendary wrestling match. That could be fun.

The moment the Marauders reached town, they stopped at Honeydukes to get some sweets. James was sure not to buy Pepper Imps, instead buying a nice box of Chocoballs for Lily. The two of them disappeared for about an hour, claiming they really needed some tea.

“What they need is a snog,” Sirius whispered to Pettigrew, who giggled like a schoolgirl. Remus chuckled.

“So I guess we won’t see them for several hours, then, right?” Remus mused.

“They promised to see us at the Three Broomsticks by late morning,” Sirius reminded them.

“We’ll see,” Remus laughed.

After a three more fights in which Sirius and Pettigrew pelted Remus with snowballs, they dusted him off, warmed him up with a blast of hot air from their wands and retired to the Three Broomsticks for hot cocoa and an early lunch. Alice Bones was already there, on her own, so the Marauders decided to join her.

“Hi,” she said, sneaking a little stare at Sirius, who shook back his black waves and plunked down right next to her.

“Hey yourself, gorgeous,” he replied, giving her a little kiss on the cheek. She turned as bright red as her hair. “So what’s a pretty witch like you doing in a grubby place like this?”

“Lily’s supposed to meet me here,” she replied. At that, the Marauders laughed, which only confused Alice. “What?”

Remus shrugged diffidently. “Lily might be...uh...late.”

Sirius sniggered. “Right. If she can get out from under Potter!”

The waitress came by with huge mugs of piping hot cocoa topped with marshmallows, as well as a heaping platter of ham and turkey sandwiches. They all tore into the food, eating up every last scrap. A single crust of bread was left by the time James and Lily bounded into the pub, thirty-five minutes late. Sirius noticed that they both had little bruises on their necks.

“Want a cigarette?” Sirius joked. He kicked James under the table as they settled in between Alice and Pettigrew. 

Lily flipped him the finger and laughed. “Shut up, Black!” she snapped.

Sirius kicked James again. “So I guess that’s a no? I guess that means he didn’t get you going, right?”

“You suck, Black,” James sneered.

“Apparently you don’t!” Sirius shot back. “You know, Prongs, Janis and I could show you a few things…”

Lily threw a napkin at him, but everyone else laughed. Before James could retaliate, however, the door to the pub opened. To everyone’s shock, the infamous, dangerous Death Eater, Bellatrix Lestrange entered.

“Oh my gods,” Sirius breathed.

“What’s she doing here?” Lily wondered.

“Regulus, I expect,” Sirius replied. “Making sure he’s behaving himself.”

“Bitch,” James murmured.

Bellatrix looked...glamourous, dressed from head to toe in glittering black, her traveling cloak lined in scarlet and fastened at the throat with an ostentatious diamond pin. Sirius recognised it as something she had stolen from a dying muggle five years back--she had overpowered the woman in the dark of night, Crucioed her for three hours straight, and then, just before she died, Bellatrix stole the pin, a huge diamond ring and the woman’s luxurious handbag. Sirius felt the urge to run, to get as far away from his cousin as he could, but instead, he stayed put and tried to ignore her presence.

Unfortunately, Bellatrix did not ignore him. She flounced over, batting her eyes kittenishly at the lot of them. She laid her hands on Sirius’ shoulders and gave him a little squeeze.

“Hi, cousin,” she purred. She nibbled his ear. “So, this is the filth you hang out with, right? Oh yes, and this is the blood-traitor who poisoned your mind, correct?” she asked, indicating a seething James.

“You’re not welcome at this table,” James growled. His nostrils flared.

For a brief second, Bellatrix looked offended, but then she smiled, almost sweetly. Almost. “And you have no relevance, Mr. Potter,” she replied coolly. “Especially as you’ve sullied yourself with a mudblood.” 

Lily’s hand twitched towards her wand, but James laid a gentle hand on her arm to stop her.

“I think you had better leave right now, Mrs. Lestrange,” Remus said, struggling to keep his voice steady.

She grinned wickedly. “Oh yes, I know who you are!” she said brightly. “I’ll be sure to give your regards to Fenrir Greyback! I believe you used to know him, right?” Running her hands languorously up Sirius’ arms, she then waved her fingers at the group. “Ciao ciao, cousin. Keep safe now.”

But she didn’t leave. Instead, Bellatrix found a seat at a small table towards the back of the pub, ordered a firewhiskey and waited. Sirius groaned with despair.

“What’s she up to?” he wondered. “What do you think she wants from my brother?”

James shrugged. “I’m glad she didn’t speak to Lily,” he said, giving Lily a little squeeze.

“She’s not worthy,” Sirius replied.

“Who’s not worthy?” Lily asked dangerously.

“Bella,” Sirius replied. Lily gave him a kiss on the cheek.

The door opened again, this time admitting Severus, Regulus, Evan and Cassius. Sirius moved to wave at Regulus, but stopped short when the four of them cheerily joined Bellatrix at her table. He couldn’t keep his eyes from the scene, the five of them talking, Regulus trying to drink her firewhiskey, and then...what? Bellatrix had leaned forward and given Severus Snape the most erotic kiss Sirius had ever seen outside of a skin magazine.

“Oh my gods,” James murmured, nearly slopping his cocoa down his robes as he watched in fascination and dismay.

“What the hell?” Remus echoed, equally flummoxed. “He can’t be serious!”

“That is so disgusting!” Lily said. “I can’t believe he would do this!”

Sirius scowled at her. “He’s your friend, Evans.”

“She’s YOUR cousin, Black!” she snapped back. But then, Lily looked away. “He must be desperate or something.”

Sirius shook his head. “I think you’re fooling yourself. Snivellus knows exactly what he’s doing, believe me. Let’s just hope he knows when to stop before he does something colossally stupid.”

To Sirius’ dismay, however, Severus didn’t seem to know at all when to stop. In fact, when he and Bellatrix stood up, Sirius nearly did, too. Sirius would have lunged at Bellatrix and ripped her from Severus, but just then, Severus did the unthinkable. To Sirius’ horror, Severus grabbed Bellatrix around the waist and engulfed her in such a wild, strange, passionate kiss that Bellatrix actually moaned aloud, as if he were taking her entirely. The next thing Sirius knew, Bellatrix and Severus dashed up the stairs together, disappearing into one of the bedrooms. Sounds of groaning and gasping and bellowing overpowered the noise of the crowd, making Sirius’ mind reel with shock and disgust.

“I don’t believe it,” Sirius muttered. Lily could only stare at the empty stairs in total disbelief, her face ashen. James reached out to give her a little squeeze.

Remus shrugged. “Well, I guess there’s no accounting for taste,” he suggested. James and Pettigrew smirked but Sirius did not.

“That’s not funny, Moony,” Sirius hissed.

“It’s not our business what he does with his sex life,” Remus retorted. “Severus is an adult now.”

“It’s MY business how this affects my brother!” Sirius insisted.

“Whatever Severus does won’t make a difference, Padfoot,” Remus said. “You know that! You know that your mother is his greatest influence, and let’s not forget You-Know-Who! Even if Severus were to behave himself…”

“You don’t get it!” Sirius seethed. He slammed his fist on the table, making the mugs rattle together. A few curious eyes glanced over, but then turned back to their own business.

Across the pub, Regulus and the others remained at the table for a short while, laughing and telling dirty jokes at Severus’ expense. Regulus also managed to finish Bellatrix’s drink, something Sirius had never seen his brother do before. It was too much for him. He had to speak up. Sirius marched over to the table, despite James’ and Remus’ protests.

“Don’t! Sirius!” Remus cautioned, but too late. Sirius was already halfway across the pub.

Regulus waved to him cheerily. “Hey, big bro!” he said excitedly. “So did you see? She’s making a man out of him today! Isn’t that awesome?”

Sirius frowned. “Can you and I go outside for a minute?”

“I’m fine where I am! Come on! Sit! I’ll order you a firewhiskey!”

“You can’t think this is good, Regulus!” Sirius declared.

“Why not? You shagged Janis all last summer and last term, so why can’t Sev have a bit of fun, too?”

“Because Janis isn’t a DEATH EATER, you idiot!” Sirius roared.

Silence. The entire pub was suddenly staring at the two brothers with a mixture of mirth and bewilderment.

Regulus straightened his spine and squared his shoulders. “Well why does that matter? He’s going to be a Death Eater, too, one day!”

“Says who?”

“Says Mother. Says the Dark Lord.”

“He met the Dark Lord?”

“Not yet. He will, though, soon. I heard them all talking about it. Mother is really impressed by him, you know. He’s everything you could have been, Sirius, honestly! Anyway, Bella says he’s going to be a big deal in the organisation, so why should she give him a rogering? He deserves a good time!” Regulus and Evan high-fived each other and laughed.

Sirius had no response. Too upset to speak to anyone, he stormed out of the Three Broomsticks, heading not for school but for the Shrieking Shack--thankfully, no one followed him. As tempted as he was to stay away for a while, Sirius knew he couldn’t do that again. He had to stop running from his problems with his brother, though at this point, he didn’t know what to do. It seemed he truly had been replaced, for good this time.

He transformed into his Animagus form and dashed all around the woods and through the town, barking and playing and trying to put all stress out of his mind. Sirius chased cats, sniffed a few Seventh Year girls and let them pet him, which he enjoyed, and when he spotted Regulus and his friends sitting outside the Three Broomsticks laughing at all the noise still coming from Severus’ and Bellatrix’s bedroom, Sirius barked and ran after Evan until Regulus stopped him with a snowball. Sirius growled and bared his teeth, making the boys run away, still laughing at Severus and Bellatrix.

Soon, Sirius realised it was time to return to Hogwarts, however, he was still in his Animagus form. Too many kids dotted the long path back to the school, so it was nearly impossible for him to find a place where he could transform back to his human self. Thus, Sirius decided to take a chance and enter Hogwarts as a dog, knowing he could quickly find a nice hidden place to transform back.

But his little Animagus break didn’t change anything for Sirius. That evening at dinner, he noticed that Severus hadn’t yet shown up until the meal was nearly over. He looked...triumphant, entirely self-satisfied--Sirius wanted to sick up everything he just ate, but he didn’t. Rather, he watched with morbid curiosity as the Slytherin boys listened to what was likely a salacious story of Severus’ wild afternoon losing his virginity to a Death Eater.

“Hey!” Remus hollered in his ear. Sirius jumped.

“What are you doing?” he snapped at Remus.

“Getting your attention, you pillock!” Remus shot back.

“So are you going to tell us where you went this afternoon?” James asked. He fed Lily a bite of his treacle tart and gave her a little kiss.

Sirius shrugged. “Just around. Hid out, if you know what I mean.”

James grinned. “Sniff anyone’s arse?”

“Only the pretty ones. After all, that’s what dogs do!”

“Sniv got back late,” James noted. “I hear Dumbledore’s pretty steamed about it.” They watched as Cassius Avery pulled out a handful of cherries, which made all the Slytherin boys burst out laughing.

“I hope he gets expelled,” Sirius grumbled. “Get him the hell away from Regulus.”

“I doubt that’ll happen,” Remus mused. “You can’t get kicked out of school for having sex.”

“Are you sure? Even with a Death Eater?”

James sighed. “Come on, Sirius! Forget about them, just for a little while, alright? Come on, we’ve got some plans to discuss for next week. You know, full moon?”

Sirius nodded, though he struggled to keep his eyes away from the Slytherin table. Each explosion of raucous laughter made Sirius’ heart pound painfully, and he fought to focus on James’ and Remus’ elaborate plan to have Animagus races across the length of the grounds.

“You’ll win, Prongs,” Pettigrew pointed out. “I know I won’t!”

James laughed. “You never know! I mean, you rats can be pretty sneaky!”

“Don’t dogs hunt rats?” Remus quipped.

“Yeah, big juicy ones!” Sirius laughed. “Those taste the best!”

* * * *

For days, Sirius couldn’t bear to look at Regulus, who seemed more enamoured with Severus than ever. Regulus followed Severus around like an excited puppy dog, and whenever Severus spoke, Regulus listened with rapt attention, as though the Dark Lord were speaking. Though Sirius didn’t know the subject of their many discussions, he could imagine what it was--death to mudbloods, death to muggles, total war against those not of pure wizard blood. He raged internally, but did nothing. What could he do, after all?

Suddenly, Sirius had a thought. He had the idea before, but he dared not go through with it. Too drastic, too radical. And he could get into a lot of trouble, even end up in Azkaban for it, should he suddenly lose the support of Dumbledore. On the other hand, if it would make a difference for Regulus, then...why not at least try? OK, so James would likely not understand, despite some of his mutual feelings. James was always up for a good prank, and he wasn’t above a certain measure of cruelty, though Sirius had to admit it was a low level of cruelty. James may have had his moments where he humiliated others, but that was nothing to what Bellatrix or Lucius were capable of.

All the more reason to consider it, to make the most of his Black heritage, but this time for a worthy cause. Sirius didn’t like to think that he would do something like this for casual reasons--that is something his mother might stoop to, or even the Dark Lord, but not Sirius. No, he justified his plans by saying that if he really went through with it, Regulus would be much better off. Surely he could hold his nose long enough to see this thing through.

On the other hand, what if it backfired and he only became...a monster, a frothing, dangerous monster? However, considering all individuals involved, it was likely to end in a death. True, this might be regrettable--Sirius didn’t like to think of himself as a brutal killer, but on the other hand, he learned from a young age that there were times when drastic measures must be taken for the greater good. Perhaps this was it.

Perhaps this was the time to act, before it was too late.


	33. The Murder of Severus Snape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sirius found Severus in the library, deep into his books on potions, scribbling tiny little notes all over his fussy little cahier. Sirius wondered with disdain and a little envy how Severus managed to be so obsessively exacting in all he did. To Sirius, those scads of carefully organised, highly structured notes were signs of some sort of mental disorder. He was sure of it. Severus looked none too pleased to see Sirius standing before him, looking rather sheepish and slightly mischievous._
> 
> _“May I help you, Black?” he asked sourly. “Perhaps I could interest you in the Cruciatus curse?”_

He was getting faster and faster as each week progressed. Sirius couldn’t have been more excited, now that he’d finally gotten the hang of transforming seamlessly into and out of his Animagus form. In fact, he began to like being a dog, even if it was just for a little while. He liked the freedom, the ability to do whatever he wanted without anyone criticizing him or expecting anything from him. Of course, Sirius knew it was only temporary, and that he couldn’t remain that way forever. And in fact, there were more than a few drawbacks to being a dog.

Fleas. Those were a killer.

Sirius was never quite sure he’d fully gotten rid of them all even after he returned to his human form, something James liked to remind him of frequently.

“You should train up those little buggers and send them to Snivellus,” James joked.

“Or send them to Remus,” Pettigrew suggested.

“Nah,” Remus noted. “Even fleas are afraid of werewolves.”

What often surprised and occasionally embarrassed Sirius was when certain aspects of his canine nature came out, such as the urge to sniff at absolutely everything, including on one particularly humiliating instance, Professor McGonagall’s backside. James liked to remind him of that, too.

“Thank the gods she’s not married, Padfoot!” he crowed. “You might be sued for sexual harassment!” Sirius threw an orange peel at him, hitting him square on the nose.

“I’m really gonna have to stay away from teachers when I’m transformed,” Sirius groaned. “I hate to think what Hagrid’s feet smell like!”

“Say, why not transform and leave a little doggie treat at the entrance to Slytherin!” James said. Everyone laughed at that.

“Only you would think of that, Prongs,” Remus noted. James nodded in agreement.

“It’s true. I’m a sick sonofabitch.”

“No, that’s Sirius. After all, he’s the dog.”

Sirius laughed. “Say, maybe there’s a good reason why my Animagus form turned out to be a dog, you know, considering who my mother is!”

* * * * *

The Animagus races were serious competition, tests of true manhood and stamina. Plus, they were a lot of fun for the Marauders, and a welcome distraction for Sirius. Most nights these days, the Marauders pulled out the map, and once they saw that it was safe to venture out of Gryffindor, the four of them crept out to the grounds, where they quickly transformed and started their races, with Remus clocking the time. At first, James always won. As a stag, he was powerful, sleek and extremely quick, leaving Sirius and Pettigrew far behind as he bounded in long, elegant leaps across the rolling lawns.

Even Pettigrew had gotten a lot faster these days. He could run under both James and Sirius and scurry well ahead of them, and though James always reached the finish line ahead of him, Pettigrew could no longer be discounted as hopelessly inept. Sirius often had to remind himself that it was Pettigrew, not himself, who had first mastered becoming an Animagus, whereas it had taken a very long time for Sirius to get the hang of it. For James it had been fairly simple--then again, most things magical were fairly simple for James James.

On nights of the full moon, Remus ran with them, which made things more fun, mainly because the other Marauders were a little nervous about the chance that Remus might actually catch them. They ran everywhere, even into the Forbidden Forest, but usually ended up going through the passage under the Whomping Willow. Sirius liked that one the best because it gave him that taste of freedom that he always longed for but rarely got.

One particularly bright night of the full moon, however, as the Marauders bounded across the grounds once again, Sirius suddenly suspected that they were being watched. In fact, the feeling was so strong in him that rather than following the others to the Whomping Willow, he took another route, pretending to head for the Forest. But then he stopped, creeping back towards a privet that faced the side of the castle--he could smell it, an extra pair of eyes on the four of them, spying. It wasn’t Regulus, though, and it wasn’t Cassius or Barty. Being very quiet, Sirius sniffed at the ground and the air, getting closer and closer to the source. That was when he saw a pair of feet, shod in tatty, thirdhand, scuffed shoes. 

Severus.

Careful not to make a single noise, Sirius backed up, turned around and raced towards the Whomping Willow, only to find by smell that the others had doubled back to their starting place, probably either looking for him or wanting another race. Sirius barked and barked, then made another dash, barking all the way to their usual rendezvous point near the lake. Catching sight of him, James bucked back on his hind legs, running straight at Sirius, who barked playfully and gave chase, this time overtaking James and heading directly to where he knew Severus still stood.

Once he had Severus in sight, Sirius backed off just a little so that James could barrel ahead, right in Severus’ path, hoping that James would run right over him. Unfortunately, James spotted him in time and simply took a flying leap past Severus, not stopping until he’d reached the willow. Sirius thought of chasing Severus and maybe giving him a big bite on the leg, but relented, figuring there might be a better way. By the time Remus had caught up with them, Severus was nowhere to be seen, though Sirius could still smell his presence.

The next morning, as the four of them trudged back from the willow to the Entrance Hall, Sirius’ mind raced with all sorts of wild ideas.

“So what did you guys think about Sniv’s intrusion last night?” he finally asked.

“He got lucky,” James replied. “I nearly took his head off! Lucky I got out of the way in time.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “Yeah. Lucky.”

“Lucky he wasn’t around by the time I caught up,” Remus noted. “I’d hate to lose my status as the lone werewolf at school.” James laughed at that.

“I wouldn’t want Severus as a werewolf anyway,” Sirius said. “He’d likely be too much like Greyback, and one of him is more than enough.”

“Your parents still friendly with him?” Remus asked, his voice somewhat strained.

“Probably,” Sirius replied. “I always made sure to be sent to my room on days when I knew he was coming over. I never liked him.”

James smirked. “You used to like You-Know-Who, though, right?”

“Not really. I just thought he was another adult. Boring. I know better now, of course.”

Remus held the door open as they all entered the Entrance Hall. “So do you think you would have done things differently, in hindsight?”

Sirius shrugged. “I don’t know. It wasn’t like I was ever given any choices growing up. You did what they said and you believed what you were taught. That was it.”

By the time the Marauders entered the Great Hall for breakfast, the students were nearly finished and already heading for classes. Lily didn’t look too pleased with them, and when James tried to give her a little kiss, she flinched away from him.

“What?” James asked, confused by her sudden coldness.

“Where were you last night?” she asked.

“What? Where was I?”

“You heard me! For nights now, you’ve been gone! Where have you been?” She glared at him dangerously.

James gulped, looking to Remus for some direction. Remus sighed, but Sirius sniggered.

“Say, Evans,” Sirius started, “I think your eyes are a little greener!”

“Listen, Lily, it’s not what you think,” Remus explained.

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” she shot back. “James here is rather popular, isn’t he?”

Remus stood up and motioned for her to follow him. “I need to explain something to you, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to talk away from all these people, alright?”

After they left, James scowled. “I feel bad about this,” he confessed.

“Oh come on, she has to know sometime,” Sirius replied. “If she’s going to share your life, she has to know about him. She’ll handle it well, James. Don’t worry.”

“I’m not worried about Lily,” James said. “I’m worried about Remus.”

As much as it pained him to see his friends in this state, Sirius didn’t have to think about his rapidly eroding relationship with Regulus. Ever since that awful January afternoon, he hadn’t been able to think about Regulus in the same way, and the pain of losing him once again, tore at his heart and mind. Thus, he sank into this new problem, let Remus’ trials and tribulations occupy his troubled thoughts, setting aside his brother at least for a short while.

On the other hand, that near encounter with Severus energised Sirius, renewing his focus and his nerve. Maybe this really would work, only he needed a new plan…

* * * *

The full moon approached once again, prompting Sirius into new action. Over the last few weeks, he took the time to learn Severus’ daily schedule from the moment he left for lessons to the moment he returned to Slytherin house for bed. All Sirius needed was the right time and the right enticement. Knowing that Severus had been gated by Professor Dumbledore as a punishment for his tryst was exactly the sort of information Sirius needed, and suddenly he knew precisely how to play this.

Naturally, Sirius found him in the library, deep into his books on potions, scribbling tiny little notes all over his fussy little cahier. Sirius wondered with disdain and a little envy how Severus managed to be so obsessively exacting in all he did. To Sirius, those scads of carefully organised, highly structured notes were signs of some sort of mental disorder. He was sure of it. Severus looked none too pleased to see Sirius standing before him, looking rather sheepish and slightly mischievous.

“May I help you, Black?” he asked sourly. “Perhaps I could interest you in the Cruciatus curse?”

Sirius smirked, pushing his locks of black hair off his handsome face. “You wish, Snape. You know, Snivellus, if you’re going to shag Death Eaters, my little brother is a lot nicer than my cousin.”

“True. Your brother, however, is sadly male,” Severus replied tartly. “I wouldn’t know what to do with him.”

“Just ask your friend Malfoy.”

Severus raised an eyebrow, then sighed. “You haven’t answered my first question, Black.”

“I heard you got gated,” he replied. “Regulus told me. Actually, I overheard him broadcasting it to some of your…uh…associates the other day at lunch.”

“He’s a gossipy little bitch, isn’t he?” Severus replied casually. “Bad luck for you. You and James won’t be able to hang me upside down before the whole town. Sorry.”

Sirius looked down. He bit his lip. “Say, Sniv…er…Severus, look, James and I feel a little bad about that.”  
 Severus’ eyes widened. “A little? Don’t strain yourself. I wouldn’t want you to become too moral. You don’t have the talent.”

Sirius sat down next to him, getting close enough to whisper in his ear. “Look, there is a way out of here, but it’s a little dodgy.”

Severus leaned back, affronted. “Leave me alone, Black. I’m not in the mood.”

“Tomorrow night is the full moon,” Sirius whispered. “The sky is going to be really clear, and all you have to do is go through the passage under the Whomping Willow.”

Severus dropped his book with a loud bang, making everyone turn around, annoyed and offended.

Now he leaned forward to whisper back. “What are you trying to do, Black, kill me?”

“We do it all the time! It’s easy!”

“You’re crazier than your crazy brother!”

“No, seriously! Come with us tomorrow night! We’ll show you! Honestly, Severus, it’s the least we can do after we sort of humiliated you last year. Come on! We want to make it up to you. It’ll be fun!”

* * * * 

Sirius promised to meet Severus at midnight, just at the bottom of the hill near the Whomping Willow. As promised, Sirius was waiting for him, dressed oddly in muggle attire--it was a last-minute decision on Sirius’ part, but one that he felt was crucial if his scheme was going to work perfectly. Severus approached him, his nose crinkled strangely, his hand gripping his wand tightly. Sirius braced himself and waved jovially, doing his best to imitate Regulus on a good day.

“You’re right on time, just as I expected,” Sirius said grandly, though he found it difficult to mask his glee. He hoped Severus didn’t pick up on it.

“So, what’s this about a passage out of here?” Severus said, very businesslike.

“Not big on greetings, are you, Snape?” Sirius said sourly.

“I’m not here to make light conversation, Black.”

Sirius glared at him briefly, but then smiled. “Right then. Down to business if that’s what you want. So the path is under the tree.”

Severus raised his eyebrows, partly in alarm and partly in disbelief. “And how is that?”

“Well, I’ll go in there and secure the entrance so you can get through, and then I’ll come out. I’ll just be a minute!”

With that, Sirius dashed off, deftly avoiding the branches of the Whomping Willow as they suddenly and violently came to life, slashing and bashing and crashing down dangerously every which way that Sirius went. First, he leapt over one huge branch, nearly losing his footing, and then, he ducked and rolled towards the tree trunk as another branch took a vicious swipe at him. Sirius crawled quickly downward, disappearing under the tree’s roots, and just like that, the branches were still, as if Sirius had put it under a charm. Soon, Sirius poked his head out of the hole and waved for Severus to come.

“It’s okay now!” he called out. “Come on! Follow me!”

Severus lurched forward, scrambling down the hole after Sirius, crinkling his nose at the musty, earthy smell of the roots of the strange tree. Sirius rushed ahead, taking advantage of the darkness and Severus’ ignorance of the passage, quickly transforming into his Animagus form and dashing forward as fast as he could. The pathway was very dark, very rough, tangled with roots and potholes and stones. 

At the very end of the tunnel, Sirius could see shafts of light coming from above—floorboards. He transformed back into himself, just long enough to crawl up and into the Shrieking Shack and slam the trap door tightly shut. The Marauders were already there, though not transformed just yet.

“Where’s’ Remus?” Sirius asked, catching his breath. But a low growling from one of the downstairs rooms answered the question.

“He’s just transformed,” James replied. “We’re just giving him an hour or so, you know, like always.”

Sirius grinned wickedly. “Perfect.” But when he banged on the door of the room where the werewolf was, James flew into a rage.

“What are you doing?” he seethed.

Sirius laughed. “You’ll see.” 

With a flick of his wand, he unlocked the door, then rushed up the stairs, positioning himself just at the top, watching with relish as a very confused James and Pettigrew were suddenly distracted by the appearance of a still indignant, slightly dusty Severus Snape through the trap door. What could Sirius do but laugh, especially when he saw Remus’ door open slowly.

Horrified, James rushed towards Severus, a look of…was that terror?...on his face. Severus scowled.

“What are you doing here?” James asked furiously.

“What?” Severus replied, still ignorant of the werewolf now creeping slowly towards him in the shadows. Sirius salivated with anticipation.

“What the hell are you doing here, Snivellus?” James repeated, more hotly this time. Sirius detected fear in his friend’s voice, but he decided it was worth it.

Severus glared at him. “I might ask you the same thing, James!”

“Shit,” James muttered under his breath. “You need to leave. Now.” Remus stood at the threshold now, teeth bared. 

“Out the front door, if you don’t mind, James. Don’t worry, I won’t spoil your evening.”

But James grabbed him and tried to steer him back towards the trap door. “That way, Sev.”

“Get your hands off me!” Severus replied, still not seeing it. Sirius couldn’t hold back his mirth any longer. He grinned widely as Remus inched a little closer, readying himself to pounce.

“You’ve got to go! Now!” James shoved him this time, but Severus shoved back. When he attempted to walk past James, towards the front door, James again stopped him.

A low, chilling growling noise interrupted their shoving match. James froze, knowing exactly what lurked in the near shadows. Severus froze, too.

“What was that?” Severus asked.

“Severus, you’ve got to get out of here,” James whispered, now more than a little frantic. “Please! Go!”

“What was that?” Severus demanded.

He glanced up to the second floor of the house to see Sirius, now doubled over in hysterics, but then, in a flash, James was no longer James but…he was the stag! Severus could only stare openly in shock and amazement, so he didn’t quite know what to do when the low growl turned into a roar, and when it went from being distant to being just over his shoulder. Cold sweat dripped down his neck and back, but Severus was cemented to the spot where he stood, as if someone had placed a sticking charm on his big feet. His breathing became shallow and laboured as the growl echoed in his ear, and then…BAM! In one motion, Severus was knocked off his feet and in another motion, the stag…that is, James…took a swipe at the now roaring, howling, frothing werewolf that was mere inches from tearing out Severus’ throat.

Severus rolled to one side on the dusty floor, watching in sheer horror and confusion as, on one hand, the stag chased the werewolf out of the house and on the other hand, Sirius rolled around on the upper floor near the rickety stairwell, shaking and convulsing with laughter.

James transformed back into himself and lunged at Sirius, grabbing at his robes.

“What the hell were you doing?” James roared.

“Oh come on, Prongs, lighten up!” Sirius choked through more laughter.

“He could have killed him, you stupid moron! What were you thinking?” James sounded furious…afraid. 

“So what’s your point?” Sirius said gleefully.

James gripped Sirius’ robes again, jerking him forward roughly. “Gods, Padfoot, you sound just like your mother,” he seethed.

Sirius pulled himself away from James’s grasp, looking as if he’d just been slapped in the face. “Don’t you DARE compare me to that harpy!” he barked. “You know damn well…”

“What? That you nearly killed someone, on purpose? That you lured him here unfairly?”

Sirius laughed derisively. “That would be one less Death Eater in the world,” he said coldly through gritted teeth.

James gasped, as did Severus. Sirius watched as both boys turned ghastly pale at his words, but at this point, all he could feel was disappointment that his plan failed. Suddenly, it didn’t matter that Severus had crept back out the trap door nor that Remus was now nowhere to be found.

“What you did was unforgivable, Sirius!” James went on, still furious.

“Unforgivable? Come on, that’s a total exaggeration!”

“Look, I know you hate the guy, and I don’t exactly disagree with you, but trying to kill him? And exposing me and Peter to danger like that?”

Now, Sirius felt a little bad. “James, I didn’t mean to endanger you. I knew you would transform and be alright!”

“But you also risked turning Remus into a killer, and that’s not fair to him! He would have felt terrible if he knew he was responsible for Severus’ death!”

Sirius snorted at that. “I’d give him a damn medal. Order of Merlin, First Bloody Class!”

But James didn’t find that the least bit funny. Sticking a finger in Severus’ face, he issued a threat. “You do that again, and I’ll make sure Dumbledore knows it!”

“Right, and what’s he going to do?” Sirius brayed. “He never gets us into trouble!”

“Oh yeah? When a Black starts to act like a Death Eater, as you did…”

“Now just one damn minute!”

“That’s what you did! You’re no better than Bellatrix Lestrange!”

Sirius stepped back, now worried he might actually punch James on the nose. “I’m going to find Remus. I’ll see you around.” With that, he transformed into a dog and ran off, sniffing out Remus’ trail, hoping that one day, James would forgive him.


	34. The End of the Line

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“What do you want, Black?” Severus grumbled, eager to change the subject. “I trust it’s not to apologise. I wouldn’t expect civility from you, though your friend Potter does have his moments.”_
> 
> _Sirius pressed his lips together again. He scratched his chin. “I…need a favour.”_

To Sirius’ amazement, Severus did not report the incident to Dumbledore. That didn’t seem to make James feel any better, for that, Sirius still felt bad. Even after he had found Remus in the Forbidden Forest and ran with him the rest of the long night, he couldn’t quite get James’ stunned expression or his harsh words out of his mind, try as he might. Who did James think he was, after all, comparing Sirius to Bellatrix or to his own mother? That was out of line!

Or was it? Sirius knew on some level that he had gone too far, but he still felt justified that he had done this for Regulus’ sake. Unwilling to concede his wrong, Sirius continued to nurse his hurt feelings and the sting of James’ accusations against him. Even before breakfast the next morning, Sirius remained stubbornly defiant, though James could only glower at him and Pettigrew could only ignore him.

Remus, on the other hand, seemed totally unaffected by last night’s events, making Sirius wonder whether he remembered anything. More often than not, Remus couldn’t always remember everything he did as a werewolf, so Sirius hoped that this was amongst the many things that the human Remus had blacked out of his conscious memory.

“Just don’t say anything to him,” James hissed at Sirius as they crawled out the portrait-hole, heading to the Great Hall for breakfast. Remus and Pettigrew had gone ahead, motivated by promises of waffles and strawberries. James would have run ahead of them as well, except that he still had a few choice words for Sirius.

“You still hate me?” Sirius asked as they ambled quietly down the staircase.

“You scare me sometimes, mate,” James admitted.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t apologise to me. It’s Severus that deserves an apology.”

“Right!” Sirius scoffed derisively. “And he’s just going to listen to me now!”

James scowled. “You should have thought of that before you tried to kill him! Why did you do it, Sirius? I don’t get you sometimes?”

“Severus has a huge influence on my…”

“I know, I know!” James exclaimed, cutting across him. “I get it! He’s got a huge influence over Regulus! You’ve said it a million times! But killing him? Why didn’t you just talk to Severus? You guys used to be friends, right?”

Sirius stopped in his tracks, too angry to move onward. “You were the one who said he was dangerous in the first place! When we were First Years, you were the one who pointed out all the crazy shit he got up to with Lucius, and you know what, James? You were right! I was too brainwashed back then to see the truth, but I get it now!”

“That doesn’t give you the right to attack him with a werewolf!” James shot back. “You are such a spoilt brat!”

Sirius frowned. “You don’t think Remus will remember, do you?”

James sighed heavily. “I hope to hell not. How was he when you found him?”

“Confused. Out of his head. It was hard keeping him out of Hogsmeade and St. Luke. Poor guy was really out for blood.”

But when they arrived at the Great Hall for breakfast, they found Remus happily eating his waffles and chatting lightly with Pettigrew, Lily and Alice, as if nothing happened at all. Naturally, he looked tired, but that was usual for him the morning after his transformation. Otherwise, Remus Lupin seemed totally unaffected by the entire episode.

Sirius could not say the same thing for Severus, however. He looked...dreadful, tired, depressed. Severus could barely look up from his untouched plate, despite Regulus’ best efforts at being obnoxious. But then, Regulus took things to the next level, now talking at the top of his lungs whilst the other Slytherins snorted and laughed at him.

Regulus smirked, catching Sirius’ eye. “You know, it’s a real family scandal to be so closely related to a filthy blood-traitor,” he said grandly, and loudly.

Sirius glowered at him, wishing Regulus would stop. But Regulus wouldn’t stop.

“It was bad enough that Mother had to obliterate my brother’s name from the family tree, but the worst part is all the lies she has to tell just to pretend that he’s someone else’s embarrassment!” Regulus pushed his hair away from his face, much as Sirius did, with a sort of diffident confidence. “As far as I’m concerned, it’ll be a happy day. Our family will finally be able to hold its head up with pride again and not be dragged down by vile, disloyal…”

“Sirius,” Lily hissed at him. “Stay away!”

 “Finish your breakfast, Sirius!” James demanded.

But it was too much for Sirius to endure, despite the twinge of guilt he felt. In a flash, Sirius charged over from the far end of the Gryffindor table, nearly knocking over three Hufflepuff girls who were chatting about some boy they all liked.

“Keep talking, little brother,” Sirius hissed. “The more you say the stupider you sound.”

Regulus jumped up from his seat, facing his brother nose to nose. “You’re not just a blood-traitor, BROTHER! You’re a stupid fucking HYPOCRITE, too! Maybe we’ll all get lucky and you’ll take a header off the Astronomy Tower one day!”

Cassius laughed. “I think Sev can help you there, Black,” he said to Sirius.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at Severus, who shot back an equally vicious glare. “Bring it on, Snape,” Sirius spat.

Severus raised his eyebrows in mock amusement. “I don’t think you want to take me on.”

Sirius laughed loudly. “Yeah right, Snivellus! Maybe out of pity since you can’t seem to take care of yourself.”

Severus nodded. “Oh that’s right, Black, I keep forgetting. See, since you’re so buddy-buddy with a werewolf, you can let other people do your fighting for you! Let’s see, uh, James Potter, or what was that name you call him between the sheets? Uh, Spawn was it? And then there’s your furry little friend, from whatever bog he emerged to harass the populace. And that little ratty cocksucker kiss-arse friend of yours, Pettigrew, well, Black, you’re on your own with THAT thing.”

Sirius threw a glance at Regulus. “What was that about a cocksucker friend?” he snarled. “Maybe I had you figured wrong, Snivelly. Maybe you go in for those back door antics.”

“Is that all you’ve got, Black? Gay jokes? You’re an idiot unless you’ve got some other lackey there to back you up.”

“At least I’ve got friends and not just people that want to use me to get ahead.”

“You don’t have anything people want,” Severus retorted. “All you have is a big ego and a fat mouth and that’s it. You don’t even have a family that cares two shits about you.”

Sirius fully expected Regulus to speak up at that moment and maybe try to tone down the comment, but instead, Regulus remained silent. He folded his arms across his chest and glared defiantly at Sirius, who gave him a curious, inexplicable look as if he, too, devastated that Regulus refused to speak.

“Rot in hell, the both of you,” Sirius replied, his quiet voice shaking with rage. With that, he turned on his heel and stormed out of the Great Hall.

* * * *

He hadn’t reached the shores of the Black Lake before a winded James Potter caught up with him, doing his best to flag Sirius down.

“Slow down you idiot!” James wheezed. “I can’t catch you!”

“Leave me alone, James!” Sirius retorted, now walking even faster.

“What’re you up to?”

Sirius didn’t stop. “I’m not running off, so don’t get any funny ideas. I need to be alone! Please!”

James now jogged a little faster, finally catching up to Sirius. He caught Sirius by the arm, making him stop, though Sirius flinched away from him.

“Come on, Prongs, let me alone. I feel bad enough right now.”

“What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Come on, Padfoot. You can tell me.”

“I said, NOTHING! Everything I did just went to shit, and…” But he stopped, unable to continue. “What’s it all for, James?” Sirius lamented. “Why do I even bother trying to get through to him? Why do I bother with him at all?”

“Maybe you need to walk away from him.”

“I can’t do that.”

“Maybe you should.”

“I can’t! Time is getting too short now! I’ve only got a couple of months, and for the most part I won’t even be seeing him because of the holiday!”

“Maybe this is the best time for the holiday to come,” James replied flatly. “Sirius, this whole thing is destroying you! I know you want to care for your brother, but you’re no good to anyone when you put yourself into this state!”

Sirius hung his head in shame and grief. “I’m sorry, James. But you’re asking me to cut myself off from…” He stopped, too upset to say any more.

They skived off classes that day, knowing that they’d both get into trouble with their teachers and with Professor McGonagall. Instead, Sirius and James decided to get away for a few hours, sneaking off to the Shrieking Shack where they sat and just talked. By then, Sirius had calmed down significantly, though he had no ideas for what he could possibly do now. On one level, he knew that James was right--walking away from Regulus was probably the best thing to do. But...how could he? Doing that would be tantamount to admitting defeat, that Walburga and the Dark Lord had won and that there was nothing more to be done for Regulus.

“He’s fifteen, nearly sixteen,” James pointed out. “He’s not a baby any more, Sirius. You did all you could to reach out to him, so it’s up to him now. You have to let him make his own choice, just as you did!” 

“And if he makes the wrong choice?” The dust on the floor tickled Sirius’ nose.

James shrugged. “Then he has to take the consequences, like a man. You have to let him go.” He scowled. “Look, maybe I can talk to Severus, you know, try to smooth things over a little.”

“That won’t do anything. He hates me!”

“Do you blame him?”

Sirius looked away in a huff.

“I’ll try, though there are no guarantees that he’ll listen. You do understand that, right?”

All Sirius could do was nod and hope.

But just two days later, Sirius’ hopes were dashed once again. Not only was Regulus still angry with Sirius, but he had utterly turned against him, even more so than before. There were no more pleas to come home, no more begging to return to the Dark Lord. All Sirius received from his brother was the back of his head and an occasional rude gesture. On top of that, James’ conversation with Severus was no help either.

“All he could manage to get out was a very reluctant thank you,” James spat that evening at dinner. “Tosser! I’m starting to think maybe you had the right idea!”

“About what?” Remus asked.

James and Sirius both flushed. “Nothing,” James replied sheepishly.

Sirius shrugged. “Then I guess you’re right. I have to let him go.”

Saying those words caused Sirius more pain than the Cruciatus curse ever could. It was final this time, he was sure. James was right, of course--Regulus was no longer a little boy. He was nearly a man, and he would have to be ready to make a man’s choices. So what if Regulus was insecure and needy? Who cared whether Regulus longed for a secure, reliable brother-figure in his young life? Sirius lost his appetite. He wanted to cry, but of course that was impossible. Too many people around. Too many girls around.

Instead of continuing to mourn, therefore, Sirius took decisive action, satisfying himself by disappearing into his friends, his lessons, his apparation lessons, the occasional girlfriend. Before he knew it, the term was over, and Sirius hadn’t said a single word either to Regulus or to Severus. He had started sitting with his back to the Slytherin table so he didn’t have to look at them, and soon, he had lost the pain of resentment, letting it be replaced by more of James’ antics and wild stories.

It helped that James told stories the same way Regulus always did.

How to spend the summer became a point of concern for Sirius--he worried that his dealings with Severus might cause James to disinvite him from the Potter home, making Sirius homeless all over again. But of course, that was silly.

“Dad’s already excited to see you again,” James told him one evening as they revised together for their upcoming Potions exam. “He wants to tell you more family stories.”

Sirius chuckled at that. “How old are your parents anyway?” he asked, remembering how...elderly Mr. and Mrs. Potter looked. Then again, Sirius’ own parents weren’t exactly young either.

James smirked. “You know, Mum had a really hard time getting pregnant. She and Dad tried forever, even had a couple of miscarriages, from what I hear, and apparently I have a sister who lived for about a week. Mum was nearly fifty by the time I came along.”

“Sounds a little like my mother,” Sirius admitted. “She’s older than Father, by something like four years. They were a lot older when Regulus and I came along, but of course, they had different reasons for not starting a family sooner.”

“Too busy killing muggles?”

“Probably,” Sirius grumbled, but then he grinned. “So is that why you’re such a pampered prince, Potter, because your parents were lucky to pop a kid at long last?”

“Ouch!” Remus said, laughing. “Harsh!”

James flipped Sirius the finger. “So what does that make you? Road kill?”

“As good as,” Sirius replied. “I may as well be these days, oh, that is unless I agree to turn you against your girlfriend and inspire you to serve the Dark Lord. Sound good?”

“Oh, of course!” James sniggered. “Right after I bugger Pettigrew here! Boys with rats tails really turn me on!”

Pettigrew turned four shades of purple at the mere suggestion.

But all ribbing aside, Sirius hadn’t quite allowed himself to leave his brother in the past, though he knew he should. The thought of Regulus’ upcoming sixteenth birthday oppressed Sirius more than it should have, and despite his efforts to distract himself with the Marauders Map and pretty girls and dungbomb attacks against James and Remus, Sirius found himself brooding more darkly than ever.

And then it happened. He should have walked on towards dinner, the last night of exam week, following the rest of the clamouring, burgeoning, hungry crowd. He should have gone ahead and forgotten everything, but instead, stopped at the sight of Severus Snape standing by the lake doing something dodgy, something...unnatural. Severus just stood there, looking intently towards the skies as if transfixed or in some strange state, not moving for a long time. Sirius wondered.

Sirius had to act. He had to think of Regulus before it was too late. But would Severus be willing to help? Sirius knew it was a long-shot, but he had to try.

After several minutes of apparent inertia, Severus finally moved, turning to head back to the castle. Naturally, at the sight of Sirius, he stopped, clearly uncomfortable. Sirius decided that this was it--it was now...or never. Wand in hand, he strode out towards the lake, knowing that Severus would likely react defencively. Severus did not disappoint, immediately whipping out his wand.

“Expelliarmus!” Sirius shouted, pointing his own wand directly at Severus. Severus’ wand flew out of his hand, landing with a soft fluff on the grass.

“Accio wand!” Severus commanded, pointing a long finger at the ground. His wand flew obediently into his waiting hand.

Again, Sirius shouted, “Expelliarmus!” but this time, Severus trumped him by shouting “Protego!” Sirius stopped in his tracks, scowling. He folded his arms across his chest and tapped his foot impatiently as Severus neared him, wand pointed at Sirius’ throat.

“I didn’t come here to fight you, Severus,” Sirius barked.

“Strange way of showing it!” Severus retorted, wand still out, though by now he had lowered it a bit. “By the way, nice passageway, Black! I’ll have to remember it the next time I feel suicidal!”

Sirius pressed his lips together in a long pout, his eyes lowered to the ground. “I wasn’t going to let you get hurt, you know.” He knew that was a lie, but the truth was far worse at this point. Sirius needed Severus on his side.

“You’re a liar,” Severus retorted. “You sat up there on the stairs and let Potter take care of things for you! I don’t think even your brother would do something that, though I admit your cousin Bella would.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows. “Oh, so it’s Bella now? Not Bellatrix? Not Mrs. Lestrange? One shag and you’re suddenly a part of the family?”

“What do you want, Black?” Severus grumbled, eager to change the subject. “I trust it’s not to apologise. I wouldn’t expect civility from you, though your friend Potter does have his moments.”

Sirius pressed his lips together again. He scratched his chin. “I…need a favour.”

“I have no interest in doing the slightest thing for you, Black,” Severus declared. “That is, unless it involves inflicting pain on you by throwing you to Lupin.”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” Sirius replied. But then, his handsome features became troubled, even anguished. He had to speak before he lost his nerve. “Look, I know you and my brother are really close. He talks about you like you’re some sort of god to him or something.”

“Flattery will get you nowhere.”

Sirius touched Severus’ arm, looking briefly into his eyes. “You may not understand this,” he said, “but in spite of our deep differences, I do actually love my brother, and I care about what happens to him, especially now.”

Severus gave him a half-bow. “Thank you for sharing that with me, Sirius,” he said smoothly. “I’m touched.”

Sirius stomped his foot in frustration. “Look, man, I’m being serious! You and I both know that my brother is just about to make the most colossal mistake of his short life. He and I have argued over this forever, but he’s so bloody brainwashed by my mother that he won’t listen to reason!”

“Maybe she’s not the one being unreasonable.”

“You can’t possibly believe that! You can’t!”

“Why not?”

“You don’t know these people, Severus.”

“I do know them.”

“You partied with them a few times but you don’t know them. I grew up around these people. I grew up with the Dark Lord coming to the house every bloody month to fill my family with even more lies! He’s still trying to get me back in the fold!”

“Perhaps we can discuss your family troubles some other time, Black. I’m going into dinner.”

NO! He couldn’t leave! Sirius wouldn’t permit it!

“Wait!” he begged. “Look, Severus, you have a strong influence over Regulus. I know you do! He wants to be so much like you, and I know he listens to you. If you could just talk to him, get him to rethink this madness!”

“Why would I wish to do that?”

“Because he’s too young! He’s immature, he’s messed up! He doesn’t know how to think for himself because he’s never been taught!”

“His thought processes are just fine as far as I’m concerned.”

Sirius grabbed Severus by the arms, his angry eyes panicked and nearly tearful. “Please, Severus, please talk to him! Just talk!”

Severus jerked himself out of Sirius’ grasp. “I absolutely will not! Who do you think you are, Black? You can’t just abuse someone and then turn around and expect them to do your bidding! You really are a spoilt brat!” With that, Severus stormed off, marching towards the Great Hall.

“You’re sending him to his death, you bloody coward!” Sirius called to him.

Severus stopped in his tracks, burning with outrage. He whipped around, wand out, charging full force at Sirius, his black eyes flashing hotly.

“Don’t you DARE blame me for whatever might happen! Who do you think you are, calling ME a coward, you bloody hypocrite! Your failure to force him to be like you is NOT my fault, and it doesn’t make me a coward!” Without another word, and with no more aggression left in him, Severus shoved Sirius back, and resumed his trek to the Great Hall, swearing bitterly all the way.


	35. The Seduction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Sirius Black!”_
> 
> _Sirius reluctantly turned around to see who had just invaded his day of privacy, and the moment he saw that it was Lucius Malfoy who was slinking in his direction, Sirius immediately drew his wand._
> 
> _Lucius only smirked, but remained unarmed. Undaunted, too. “Now now, play nicely,” he said smoothly._

Summer days brought a new sense of freedom to Sirius and all the Marauders, though this summer felt different. Like always, they would spend lots of time playing at sport, pulling pranks on each other and of course, causing a little trouble. Like always, Sirius looked forward to those blithe days where he could empty his mind and heart of all his troubles and allow himself to be subsumed into the vast importance of their impish mischief.

This would be the last time, however.

No longer were they little boys, eager for summer games, knowing all the while that many more years together at Hogwarts awaited them. This was it for the Marauders, the last summer of their unguarded youth. Tomorrow they would be men, and the day after that they would be busy with life, careers, dating, marriage, children. Sirius knew that for James, things would be fairly straightforward--he would continue his relationship with Lily, which would naturally develop into an engagement and marriage, and then, children. Sirius hoped they would have a large family.

Things for Remus would be quite different. As a werewolf, Remus would find it very hard to get a job, and he would soon run out of excuses for why he kept missing so much work. And when the boss found out the truth, Remus would likely get sacked. Unlike James, Remus didn’t have a large fortune awaiting him should he fail at a career. Instead, Remus would have to live off the charity of others, hoping that someone would be compassionate enough to give him a chance.

All of this made Sirius wonder about his own fate--like James, he was blessed with money and interminable resources. As a Black, even though he was a rebellious Black, Sirius could get away with using his family’s dark reputation to manipulate people, should the need arise. He hoped it wouldn’t come to that. After all, Sirius wanted to make it on his own, as his own man, not pressed down by the legacy of his family’s violent history. He wanted to strip himself of those associations, be taken seriously as his own person in his own right, totally separate from Walburga or Bellatrix or even Regulus.

Regulus.

His time neared. September 9. Sirius strove not to think of it all, wanting for a change to be free from all the pain and regret that still haunted his dreams. If he could just stay busy enough and play at Quidditch just long enough and be with enough girls throughout the summer, then maybe...just maybe he could put Regulus behind him and leave him to his fate. James’ words to him came back at him, but letting go? Could Sirius do it? Could he truly follow James’ advice and let Regulus make his own choices?

In the midst of all these ruminations, Sirius decided to take a side trip to London and do some personal shopping, just to get away from everything for a day. James was off on a Quidditch tour again with his father, Remus was ill from his condition and Pettigrew...Sirius didn’t really know where Pettigrew was. He hoped that he was no longer speaking to Lucius Malfoy. Sirius was pretty sure Pettigrew had stopped that finally. After all, Pettigrew was a man now, much more independent and in control of himself. In fact, it impressed Sirius to see just how much Pettigrew had changed for the better since those early days. Sirius suspected that Pettigrew was one of those blokes who just needed a bit of encouragement, a little confidence. These days, Pettigrew had proven himself to be kind, funny, even a little sweet, in his own, guileless way.

His first stop was the Leaky Cauldron, where Sirius ate a massive luncheon of roasted beef, potatoes and vegetables, washing it all down with a large glass of ale. Fortunately, he didn’t see anyone he knew from his parents’ circle of cronies, giving him the luxury of not worrying about being kidnapped and crucioed--at least not that day. Today would be for good food, a smooth ale, and time. Sirius lusted for that sense of wanton luxury, knowing how short-lived it would be. A few customers eyed him suspiciously, likely wondering whether the place would soon be invaded by Death Eaters, but Sirius let it slide. He knew the truth of himself, even if the rest of the world didn’t.

Finally, after a rich dessert of treacle tart, Sirius paid his bill and headed down the street, making his way to Madame Malkin’s to buy a new set of robes. He had grown this year, and by now, the bottom hem of his robes barely touched the tops of his feet. James said Sirius looked like he was waiting for a flood--the final straw, however, came when even Remus made fun of his short robes, commenting that if Sirius didn’t buy something new, he’d end up with the tannest ankles in wizardkind.

“I can mend these if you like,” Madame Malkin told him, noting the elegance and richness of the fabric he wore. “I could let it out by two inches, my dear.”

His mother had bought these robes for him. She bought most of his clothes. “No, I think I want something new,” Sirius said resolutely. “In fact, I’d like to buy a whole new wardrobe!”

Madame Malkin looked absolutely delighted. She rushed about the shop excitedly, pulling robes of all sorts of colours off the racks for Sirius to see. Naturally, she showed him only the best, but that didn’t bother Sirius too much. His moneybag was full and he was eager to buy as much as he could carry.

“Now then, dear,” she said, “you are exquisitely handsome, I must say! You must have something very nice, only the best, of course! These colours will go well with your complexion, and since your hair is so dark, these will look absolutely splendid on you!”

Sirius grinned and shrugged. He had no idea what colour was good and what wasn’t good, so he decided to take the passive approach and let her fuss over him like a good mother. Madame Malkin bustled about and hemmed and measured and before long, Sirius left the store with seven new sets of robes, three pairs of shoes and a hat he knew James would hate. He quickly vanished his purchases to his room at the Potters’, then moved on towards Flourish and Blott’s, eager to pick up a copy of a new book about the history of Quidditch.

“Sirius Black!”

Sirius reluctantly turned around to see who had just invaded his day of privacy, and the moment he saw that it was Lucius Malfoy who was slinking in his direction, Sirius immediately drew his wand.

Lucius only smirked, but remained unarmed. Undaunted, too. “Now now, play nicely,” he said smoothly. Sirius hated that supercilious tone Lucius used so often to intimidate others.

“If you’re here to kidnap me, you’re going to be disappointed,” Sirius snapped, pointing the wand at Lucius’ throat.

“I’m not here to kidnap anyone. I’m here as you are, to do a little personal shopping.”

Sirius scoffed at that. “Please, Malfoy, give me a little credit for having a brain.” He turned to walk away, but Lucius stopped him, steering him into a little alleyway, away from prying eyes.

“You’re going so fast? Your mother would be most disappointed in your poor manners. She might think you’d become a Hufflepuff!”

“What’s wrong with Hufflepuff?” Sirius shot back.

Lucius smirked. “Nothing, I suppose. I’ve been eager to see you, Sirius.”

Sirius eyed him suspiciously. “Why? You know, I might look like Regulus, but believe me, we’re nothing alike.”

“Oh I don’t know about that. You both have your...talents.”

“I’m sure you know all about my brother’s talents, Malfoy.”

“Only some, though I’m sure that one day in the near future I’ll discover a little more about him. I know what you think we’ve done, and it’s simply not true.”

“Why wait?” Sirius snorted. “You know damn well that he’d go for it in a heartbeat.”

“True, but unfortunately, the law wouldn’t quite see it that way.”

That made Sirius laugh aloud. “You’re concerned with the law? Since when?”

“Since I decided that the last thing I want to do is spend time in Azkaban for buggery. If I am to go to Azkaban, it’ll be for something worthwhile.”

“So buggering Regulus isn’t worthwhile?” Sirius asked with a smirk.

Lucius smiled. “You are clever, aren’t you?” He stepped a little closer, which made Sirius grip his wand a little more tightly. “I admire that in you, Sirius.”

“Piss off!” Sirius spat, stepping back. He glared at Lucius.

But Lucius stepped forward again, a little closer this time. “It might shock you to know that there are many things I like and admire about you,” he said lightly. Sirius could smell his aftershave.

“Now you’re just being insulting.”

Lucius stepped forward again, inclining his head so close to Sirius that a lock of blond hair tickled Sirius’ cheek. “I think you have amazing potential, Sirius. So few have your strength, your resolve. It’s breathtaking.”

Sirius didn’t know what to say. He closed his eyes momentarily, suddenly caught up in the sweet smell of Lucius’ cologne and the energy from his body, standing closer now, and now with hands on Sirius’ shoulders, down his arms and then, his mind ablaze and jumbled and troubled, Sirius found himself nearly incapable of resisting Lucius’ pull. He nearly let his wand fall from his hand, but it was the touch of Lucius’ lips to his own that woke Sirius up. It surged through him like an electric shock, firing up his senses. Outraged, Sirius roughly untangled himself from Lucius’ tight grip around him, shoving him back, hard.

“What the hell?” he seethed. “Get off me!”

Lucius laughed softly. “Oh come on, Sirius, don’t be so old-fashioned.”

How could he have allowed himself to do that? How could he have allowed himself to be seduced by Lucius, kissed by him? When Lucius moved forward again, Sirius pointed his wand at him, his hands shaking with rage.

“It’s that jewel, isn’t it?” Sirius snarled. “You’ve got that jewel on you, don’t you?”

Lucius shrugged. “Do you really think I need a jewel to seduce someone?”

“Oh don’t play that game with me, Malfoy! You’re pathetic! You can’t kidnap me properly so you resort to some sort of romantic tryst? You make me sick!”

“Don’t get so dramatic, Black,” Lucius retorted. “The Dark Lord is eager for your return to us, especially with Regulus ready to enter the organisation in September. He is more forgiving than most, lucky for you, boy. We all want to see both Black brothers enter together.”

“You leave me the hell alone!” Sirius roared.

Suddenly, Lucius lunged at him, his face twisted in fury. “After everything they’ve done for you, you’re still a spoilt, ungrateful brat!” he hissed. “You can run and hide from your responsibility for now and keep up this pretense as a good little Gryffindork, but there will come a time when you WILL join us, and if we have to force you, then that’s what we’ll do!”

In a flash, Sirius punched Lucius once, twice, three times in the face, feeling a wicked rush of satisfaction as he felt Lucius’ nose break and his blood splatter. Grabbing a stunned Lucius by the front of the robes, he slammed him head-first into the wall and stormed off, his entire body quaking violently. Never minding that his hand was bruised and covered in Lucius’ blood, Sirius rushed through Diagon Alley, into the Leaky Cauldron and straight out the door, walking and muttering to himself all the way down Charing Cross.

* * * *

“Where have you been?” James exclaimed late that night as a sheepish Sirius trudged in the door.

“You’re back!” Sirius exclaimed. “I thought you were off at the Quidditch matches!”

James scowled. “Dad wasn’t feeling very well, so we had to leave early.”

“Is he alright?”

James shrugged. “He’s having a lie-down right now. Mum’s worried.”

Sirius sat next to James on the sofa, putting his feet on the coffee table. “Sorry I was late, Prongs. Bad day. I suppose you thought I’d done a runner.”

“You have a way of doing that sometimes. What happened?”

Sirius blushed. “Nothing I want to talk about,” he grumbled.

James sat up, now interested. “Oh come on, Padfoot! This is me! You can tell me anything!”

Sirius scoffed at that. “Not about this, and no, I didn’t betray anyone!”

“I wasn’t going to accuse you, mate.”

“That’d be a first,” Sirius said bitterly.

James frowned. “I think you’re being bit unfair! I did apologise for being a prat. Remember?”

Sirius sighed. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just...it’s embarrassing.”

James grinned. “Well, now I really want to hear it!” he said eagerly, trying to lighten the mood. “Oh come on! Tell me! I’ll behave myself, honestly!”

“Just promise me two things. You won’t laugh and you won’t make any accusations of any kind.”

James crossed his heart. “I swear it. Now dish!”

Sirius hesitated. How would one put it, he wondered? How could he confess that he had, albeit ever so briefly, kissed Lucius Malfoy on the mouth? Does one just blurt it out or does one try to put it in other words? Sirius struggled for just the right thing to say.  
 “See, I sort of ran into...well, I happened to be in Diagon Alley, you know, just doing a bit of shopping and...well, I sort of saw Lucius Malfoy.”

“Gods, Sirius! Did he try to hex you?”

“Not exactly.”

“But isn’t he one of those trying to kidnap you?”

“Yeah.”

“So what happened? Did he have a go at you?”

Sirius pursed his lips. “Well, in a manner of speaking, yeah.”

James gasped. “What did he do?”

“Uh...well, uh…” Sirius started, his mind racing frantically. “He sort of...he talked to me, you know, tried to guilt me out and all that bullshit and then he…”

“Yeah?” By then, James was nearly at the edge of his seat.

“Well he sort of...moved a little closer to me, and...it was very confusing, I mean, well you know what he’s like, how he is, and…”

James looked puzzled. “What are you saying, Sirius? What did he do to you?”

“Nothing bad or anything!” Sirius shot back, fearful that James would get the wrong idea. “I mean...well...it was a little bad but not too bad, but I got away from him before it turned really bad. Does that make any sense?”

“Not really,” James replied, a little exasperated. “You’re making it sound like he kissed you or something!” He laughed, but suddenly stopped when he saw Sirius turn pale. “Oh my gods,” he murmured.

Sirius nodded. “I mean, the second it started I shoved him off, I mean, who did he think he was? Did he think I’m like Regulus or something? The nerve of that prat!”

James sat there, open-mouthed, too stunned for words. But just as quickly, he smirked, and the next thing Sirius knew, James had doubled over, shrieking with laughter.

“Hey! You promised you wouldn’t laugh!” Sirius barked, stung and offended by James’ outcry. “I oughta transform into a dog and bite you on the arse!”

“Oh come on, Padfoot!” James screeched. “Come on, just visualise it!”

“I don’t have to! I was there!” This was unbelievable! Sirius couldn’t help but feel a little hurt.

James jumped up and strutted about, preening himself in imitation of Lucius. “If you would be so kind, Mr. Black, I should like to bend you over,” James droned mockingly.

Sirius barely suppressed a smirk. “Oh come on now, we didn’t get that far!”

“As you are pureblooded, Mr. Black,” James went on, still preening, “your bare arse has been deemed by the Dark Lord and your mother to be worthy of my little prince.”

That was it for Sirius. Between James’ sarcastic tone and the strained, constipated face he made at Lucius’ expense, Sirius roared with laughter. “You are one sick bastard, Prongs!”

They spent the next several minutes abusing Lucius Malfoy cruelly, bitterly, mercilessly. The boys relished in making fun of his hair, his stance, his father, his wealth, his sadism and anything else they could come up with. But soon, James’ face fell.

“What?” Sirius asked.

“Nothing.”

“OK, you pulled information out of me, so now it’s your turn. Dish!”

“I’m just scared for you.”

“I am, too, a little.”

“I’m always afraid for you, Sirius. These people mean business.”

Sirius sat back and ran his fingers though his hair for a moment. “Yeah, no shit! I can’t stop thinking about how little time I have left, you know?”

James frowned. “What do you mean? You have plenty of time!”

“My brother will be dead in a few short weeks unless I can make it stop!”

James put a hand on Sirius’ shoulders. “Whatever happens to Regulus isn’t your fault, Sirius. You have to know that. There are too many factors at play.”

Sirius scowled. “Like Snivellus.”

“Like a lot of people. Like your mother. Like Lucius and Bellatrix and the Dark Lord himself. Sirius, I know you love your brother, but you might not be able to save him. You have to be ready for that.”

Sirius knew that, of course, but at the same time, it was that very thought that kept him awake most nights this summer, despite the fun he had during the day. All he could think of was what to do, what to say...and how he could possibly bear it when all his efforts failed him.


	36. Sirius' Last Chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sirius tore out the doors, James following close behind him, racing through the Entrance Hall towards his mother and brother, his mind filled with horror and near paralysis. There they were in a tight little circle, Mrs. Black embracing Regulus and speaking to Severus as if he were some sort of old family friend. She had the gall to wear her jeweled pin in the shape of the school seal, as if to pass herself off as any other visiting parent taking her boy home for a few days. Sirius raged at the sight._
> 
> _Sirius angrily shoved Severus aside and grabbed Regulus by the arm. Regulus quickly jerked his arm out of his brother’s grasp, but Sirius grabbed at him again. Severus lunged forward to intervene, but James held him back._
> 
> _“Stay out of this, Snivellus,” he growled in Severus’ ear._

Seventh Year.

He could hardly believe it. Wasn’t it just yesterday that he was mistakenly sorted into Gryffindor? Wasn’t it just last week that he prowled the corridors with the Marauders, creating the map for Dumbledore? Wasn’t it just an our ago that Lily Evans was helping him with his lessons?

The first morning of his last year at Hogwarts, Sirius took a long look at himself in the mirror, trying to wrap his head around just how much he had changed in so short a period of time. It all seemed so unreal to him, considering who he had become. He should be a Death Eater by now. This much Sirius knew. He should have killed a dozen men by this time, and instead, where had he been? Holed up in the ohm of a blood traitor! What was wrong with him?

Even now, after so much change and so much trauma suffered, Sirius discovered that he still hadn’t quite gotten the Black family legacy out of his system. Despite his desperate attempts to save Regulus from a fate worse than death, Sirius found to his shame that on some levels, he envied his younger brother. And why not? Regulus had earned the respect and love of their parents, the Dark Lord and all their associates. Regulus had fulfilled all their mother required of him and more. Regulus was in the right house, had the right friends, said all the right things. Instinctively, Sirius knew that Regulus was right.

So why couldn’t he explain precisely why Regulus was right? Why did the thought make him nauseated? Sirius had mastered the talk of tolerance, no longer calling Lily a mudblood. But who was he fooling? Deep down, Sirius knew that he held his nose just a little when he drew near to her, and still unconsciously anticipated some sort of contagion to emanate from her. It was so hard for him to take, that he still harboured the same old prejudices he had convinced himself were long gone.

What was wrong with him?

He was sure there was some sort of psychological explanation for what he felt, that he was the product of a prejudiced household and thus, was still left with the vestiges of his old prejudices. On the other hand, Sirius wasn’t quite so ready to acquit himself, all too often worried that he still deserved some sort of punishment for his former ways. Cecilia haunted his dreams, even still. He could still see her lovely face, taste the sweetness of her kiss on his lips, even now. Had he been someone else, the son of another family, she would still be alive.

Sirius ached to tell all this to James, but he balked at that. Terrified that his friend would get the wrong idea again, Sirius decided to stay quiet about his struggles. He had lost so much already, and he didn’t think he could take it if he lost James. No, this was something he would have to work through on his own, in his own time. Besides, there were bigger things to worry about.

Regulus’ fate was only days away now, and Sirius was out of ideas. James was right, of course. Whatever happened was on Regulus, not on Sirius--all the same, Sirius wasn’t ready to accept that. He had to believe that he could still make a difference, that brotherly love could somehow trump maternal manipulation. He could never explain that to James.

* * * *

Every day, nearly every hour, he haunted Regulus, stalked his every move, made every attempt to talk to him, reason with him. For the most part, Regulus remained stand-offish, more willing to run off with Severus or Cassius or Evan than to stop and talk with Sirius. But there were other times when, in the midst of trying to stay away, Regulus seemed desperate to speak to Sirius, eager to talk to him, if only for a moment. And then he would be whisked away to safety, far away from Sirius.

Sirius didn’t follow him.

At the same time, however, he kept up his vigil, every day hoping that Regulus would stop, push everyone away and rush into the safety of Sirius’ arms. Regulus looked a little more tired every day, a little more strained and stressed and worried. Sirius wondered if Regulus was drinking--he had heard rumours that Regulus was a lot more experienced with firewhiskey than most Seventh Years. Another thing to worry Sirius.

Finally, just a day before Regulus was to go off to become a Death Eater, Sirius had his final chance. He had just come out of the Library, and to his shock and relief, a harried, pale Regulus had just turned the corner, heading straight for him. He was alone, distracted, his mind miles away. Sirius stopped in his tracks, praying desperately that Regulus wouldn’t turn and run from him.

“Hey, little bro,” Sirius said quietly.

Regulus stopped, staring blankly at Sirius. For a quick moment, Regulus moved as if to turn in the other direction, but then, he stayed.

“Hey yourself,” Regulus replied.

“Haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’ve been busy.”

“You do okay on your exams?”

Regulus nodded. “Fine.” He paused, looking for a moment like he might burst into tears. “Mother will be here tomorrow.”

“I know. Look, Regulus…”

Regulus cut across him harshly. “You can’t stop me, Sirius! Don’t even try!”

“This will be the end of you, Regulus! Please, listen to reason!”

“Why is it that nobody thinks I can do this? You think I’m sort of pussy, don’t you?”

“No, that’s not it! Regulus, you know yourself! Remember how you reacted when Bella tortured me? You’re going to have to do that to other people! You’re going to have to kill people, maim them, do horrible things to them, and just because you’re told!”

Regulus glared at him, stiffening his spine. “Whatever I have to do, it’ll be to protect wizardkind!”

“That’s rubbish, Regulus, and you damn well know it! Please, they’ll destroy you! You’ve got a good heart, Regulus! I know you do! Please don’t do this?” Sirius had rushed to him, gripped him by the robes, by now nearly sobbing with rage and grief.

Regulus angrily shoved him away. “You leave me alone!” he seethed. But then, his face fell. He bit his lip and looked away. “I know what I’m doing, Sirius. I know you don’t believe me, and I know you think I’m making a mistake, but I have to do this. I have to! You have to understand…”

“You don’t! Just because Mother says you have to doesn’t mean you have to obey!”

Regulus scoffed. “That’s easy for you to say! You’re the one who ran off and left the family, so don’t you dare lecture me!”

“Regulus, I’m not trying to lecture you! I’m trying to help you!”

“Please understand, Sirius,” Regulus said, his voice trembling.

“Regulus…”

“NO! STOP!” Regulus shouted. He turned and strode away as fast as he could, but Sirius followed him.

“I’m gonna be there tomorrow, Regulus!” he bellowed. “I’m gonna make the biggest scene you ever witnessed, so just be warned!”

* * * *

He didn’t run this time. He couldn’t. Sirius had to ignore what Regulus had just said. He had to hold out even the tiniest particle of hope, the smallest chance that within the next few hours, Regulus would change his mind. Naturally, he knew that at this point, the chances of Regulus defying their mother was practically nil. Regulus never did have the ability to say no to her, Sirius remembered bitterly. All the more reason to make a huge scene.

By the time he got to the Great Hall for dinner that evening, Sirius couldn’t keep his mind on anything but Regulus and what he would say to him in just a few hours. Looking around, there was no sign of Regulus at dinner, though the rest of the gang was there. Sirius couldn’t help but notice that Severus looked particularly subdued that night. Could it be that Severus had the same reservations about Regulus? Could it possibly be that he wasn’t so sure that Regulus should become a Death Eater? Sirius hoped so. He considered talking to Severus, but hedged at that, not so sure that even what Severus had to say could make a difference.

Thus, all Sirius could do was wait and see.

“You’re a real downer tonight, Padfoot,” Pettigrew noted glumly. 

James kicked him under the table. “Yeah, mate, what’s up?”

Sirius rolled his eyes impatiently. “Maternal visit tomorrow,” he grumbled.

“Shit,” James whispered. “You ready?”

Sirius shook his head mournfully. “Can we talk about something else, please?”

“I’ll be there for you tomorrow, man,” James said.

Sirius wanted to break down all over again, but instead, he took a long drink of pumpkin juice and served himself a heaping portion of shepherd’s pie. Not only did he clean his plate, but he had seconds, and even thirds, as if a consistent deluge of food and drink could somehow flood away the feelings of pain and anxiety he couldn’t quite suppress. It would have to do.

The next day, however, was another story. Sirius woke early, unsure of when exactly his mother would arrive. To his relief, James rose early as well--together, without a word to each other, they brushed their teeth, shaved, slowly dressed for the day. Together, they walked silently out of the portrait-hole, down the stairs and straight to the Great Hall for breakfast, hoping that Regulus would be there. To Sirius’ relief, he was, though he sat with Severus. Sirius noted how pale Regulus looked--he seemed so small that day, so soft and vulnerable and...afraid.

The food was wonderful, as always, but Sirius could taste nothing. The knot in his stomach only got worse as the minutes passed, but so far, no Mrs. Black. Thus, Sirius passed the rest of the day in morbid anxiety, barely able to pay attention to anyone or anything around him. By the time dinner arrived, Sirius was nearly beside himself with worry and anger and fear. 

Just as at breakfast, as good as the food was, Sirius was in no mood to eat or enjoy or relax or take in his surroundings. James could feel his friend’s tension, but there was no shaking Sirius out of it, no matter how many jokes he told. And then, out of nowhere, across the room, Regulus stood up and, with Severus in tow, quickly left the Great Hall. 

“This is it,” Sirius said, jumping up and scrambling after them.

Sirius tore out the doors, James following close behind him, racing through the Entrance Hall towards his mother and brother, his mind filled with horror and near paralysis. There they were in a tight little circle, Mrs. Black embracing Regulus and speaking to Severus as if he were some sort of old family friend. She had the gall to wear her jeweled pin in the shape of the school seal, as if to pass herself off as any other visiting parent taking her boy home for a few days. Sirius raged at the sight.

Sirius angrily shoved Severus aside and grabbed Regulus by the arm. Regulus quickly jerked his arm out of his brother’s grasp, but Sirius grabbed at him again. Severus lunged forward to intervene, but James held him back.

“Stay out of this, Snivellus,” he growled in Severus’ ear.

“Regulus, you don’t have to do this,” Sirius begged.

“Keep away from us!” Mrs. Black snapped shrilly.

“Shut up, you vile, evil bitch!” Sirius retorted. “Regulus, come with me now!”

“You can’t tell me what to do!” Regulus shot back.

“Come with me, my dear,” Mrs. Black said to Regulus, reaching for his hand.

But Sirius took hold of Regulus with both hands, pulling him hard towards himself. Mrs. Black reacted instantly, sending a sharp stinging spell at Sirius, which made him stumble back, howling with pain. In that same instant, Mrs. Black put her arm around Regulus’ shoulders and tugged at him to go with her.

“No! Regulus, you don’t have to!” Sirius insisted, rubbing his shoulder where the spell had hit him.

But by then, Regulus was already walking, albeit slowly, with his mother, towards the doors out of the castle. Sirius lunged after them, still shouting and pleading with Regulus.

“You can’t do this, Regulus!” he shouted. “They’ll own you! They’ll destroy you! You know they will, Regulus! Please!” But as he watched with anguished eyes as his brother continued to leave, Sirius rounded on Severus, who had finally freed himself from James’ grip. “Go after him, Snape!”

“He’s made his choice,” Severus said plainly.

Sirius’ eyes flashed. “Well that’s not good enough! You’re his friend, Snape! You’ve got to get to them before the leave the grounds! They’ll disapparate and then it’ll be all over for him! Please!”

“Nothing either of us say will change things in the least,” Severus replied. “You know your mother’s mind.”

Sirius snarled at Severus, his face contorted in pain. “You stupid, useless…” 

With that, he pelted out of the Entrance Hall, chasing the two of them all the way to the gates of the school.

“REGULUS!” Sirius shouted. “STOP!”

With that, Mrs. Black whipped around, pointing her wand straight at Sirius. “PUGNATIO!” she roared, sending a shaft of brilliant white light out of her wand. 

As if it were an invisible fist, the light slammed into Sirius’ face, knocking him backward off his feet. He landed in a heap, dazed and reeling from the pain. His head spinning, Sirius struggled to his feet, desperate to catch them both before they disapparated. He could just see them heading closer to the gates. Sirius pointed his wand at his mother, sending a powerful hex right at the back of her head--she was too quick for him, however, and after pulling Regulus behind her, she fired back.

“CRUCIO!” she bellowed, sending red hot light straight at Sirius’ body. 

With a terrifying shriek, Sirius collapsed to the ground, writhing in horrifying pain, and though it lasted only a few seconds, by the time it was over, Sirius was left shuddering and nearly out of his mind. As Sirius again staggered to his feet, he saw that they were long gone. But instead of breaking down into sobs and wailing at the loss of Regulus, Sirius could only feel rage at Severus. Severus could have done something, could have said something to Regulus, could have used his power and influence to stop him. Severus had to know that Regulus wasn’t cut out to be a Death Eater, Sirius thought furiously.

That was it. It was all too much to bear, and all Sirius could see was Severus’ ugly face laughing at him, rejoicing at Regulus’ fate. Sirius’ mind spun out of control and instinctively, he flew like lightening back to the castle, back through the Entrance Hall, back into the Great Hall. Like a wild animal, Sirius lunged at Severus, wanting only to tear out his throat.

“YOU!” he bellowed, and at once, he grabbed Severus by the back of his robes and with tremendous force, jerked him right off the bench and onto the floor. 

Before Severus could recover, Sirius was already on top of him, fists flying, pounding Severus’ face, chest, arms and head, again and again. The attack only stopped when a whole team of seven Gryffindors and Slytherins managed to pull Sirius off of the now bloodied and dazed Severus, and even then, Sirius continued to kick out his feet and struggle against the prefects and Seventh years who had now pinned him to the floor. Four teachers rushed forward, along with Madame Pomfrey, the Healer, and Professor Dumbledore.

A huge crowd had now gathered, all shouting and screaming and even crying as students worked hard to keep Sirius from attacking Severus all over again. Immediately, Madame Pomfrey and Professor Slughorn placed themselves protectively in front of Severus, whose broken nose bled profusely. Evan Rosier thrust a handkerchief under Severus’ bleeding nose.

“Let’s get him up,” Madame Pomfrey instructed Professor Slughorn, who looked a bit ashen at the sight of so much blood. With a one-two-three, they got Severus to his feet and helped him out the door while the other professors dealt with the still wild Sirius Black.

The sounds of “you killed my brother!” rang in Severus’ ears as he left the Great Hall and headed towards the Hospital Wing.

“I’ll bloody kill you, Snape!” Severus heard Sirius bellow just as they mounted the stairs. “You’re DEAD!”

“Stop this, Sirius!” James shouted at him. He tried to grab onto Sirius’ robes, but Sirius fought him off, nearly knocking James to the floor..

“Let’s get him to Dumbledore’s office before he really does kill Snape,” a Slytherin Prefect said. He ducked as Sirius punched a fist in his direction. 

Two others tried to pin his arms behind him whilst three others attempted to restrain his legs, but Sirius was too strong, so that it was all they could do to get him even close to the stairs.

“I’ll kill him! He’s DEAD! Let me GO!”


	37. The Restraining Order

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“Speaking of Severus, what you did to him is completely unacceptable.”_
> 
> _“He deserved more,” Sirius replied bitterly._
> 
> _“You have no right placing the bulk of blame on Severus’ shoulders, Sirius! You beat him unjustly, and you and I both know that you would have killed him if the others hadn’t pulled you off him. Admit to that much!”_
> 
> _Sirius jumped to his feet indignantly. “So what if I did? You know he’s going down the same path as my brother! I would have been doing our world a service!”_
> 
> _“I know you’re speaking in anger, Sirius,” Dumbledore replied sharply. He narrowed his eyes at him. “You have tremendous potential to do good in our world, but you have one great stumbling block.”_
> 
> _“What’s that?”_
> 
> _“You’re the son of Walburga Black,” Dumbledore replied plainly._

Getting Sirius safely to Dumbledore’s office was a daunting task. With all his might, Sirius fought off everyone holding him and pulling him so that the team of people trying to restrain him had to drag him part of the way.

“Let me go!” Sirius bellowed, struggling violently.

“You’ve got to stop, Sirius!” James insisted. Sirius kicked at him viciously, but James jumped out of the way.

Finally, after several grueling minutes, the team of Prefects and Seventh Years and teachers heaved a still violent Sirius Black into Dumbledore’s office with a loud bang and a clatter. Sirius resisted, only eager to find Severus and finish the job, but of course, now that Dumbledore was in the picture, Sirius wouldn’t get his wish. 

Quickly, Dumbledore pointed his wand at Sirius and whispered an incantation--Sirius suddenly felt a surge of warmth and calm within himself and in just a few seconds, he had calmed down considerably. Dumbledore handed him a pewter goblet containing a light blue potion, which he indicated that Sirius drink.

“It will ease your mind and body, Sirius,” Dumbledore said gently.

With a little help from James, Sirius downed the potion, then collapsed onto the hard chair opposite Dumbledore’s desk, exhausted from the struggle. Dumbledore nodded at the others with a light smile.

“You may go now, including you, Mr. Potter,” he said. “Come back here in about two hours and by then, Mr. Black can be detained. But I need to speak to him privately right now.”

James gave Sirius a little pat on the shoulder. “Later, man.”

Sirius hung his head, still upset and deeply troubled and by now, his rage had turned into despair. He wept wildly for a few minutes, but Dumbledore stood at a distance, letting Sirius purge the grief from his mind and body. Finally, he offered him a white handkerchief, which Sirius gratefully accepted. He blew his nose with a loud honk, and dried his eyes and face with his sleeve.

“How did you get that bruise?” Dumbledore asked. “Severus?”

“My mother. The bitch crucioed me, too.”

“My goodness,” Dumbledore replied gravely. “Are you alright?”

Sirius nodded, blowing his nose again.

Dumbledore sat next to him--he pulled out his wand and pressed it to the bruise under Sirius’ eye, muttering another incantation. For a moment, Sirius’ face felt icy cold, then white hot, and then...normal. Dumbledore grinned impishly.

“We can’t have a face like yours marred by a black eye,” he said lightly.

“Thank you, sir.”

“I heard what happened. You attempted to beat Severus to death?”

Sirius sat back and groaned. “I wasn’t going to beat him to death, sir.”

“You threatened to murder him, didn’t you?”

“He killed my brother!” Sirius shot back.

“As far as I know, your brother is still alive, though he has made, I admit, a most unfortunate choice.”

Sirius broke down all over again. “I don’t know what to do, sir! I tried so hard to save him, and it was all for shit!”

“Your brother made a choice, Sirius.”

“You sound like Snape,” Sirius spat.

“Severus has a point. You and I both know he wasn’t going to change. You know that, Sirius.”

“But I could tell, sir! I could tell that he didn’t want to go!” Sirius insisted. “I could see it in his eyes, his body language, in everything about him! He’s too weak to stand up to our mother so he just caved in to her!”

“By his own choice. You want him to be as strong as you are, Sirius, but as you just said, he’s not. I’m very sorry about this, Sirius, truly. I wanted him to resist as much as you did, I think, and I believe you are correct that this will end his life prematurely.”

“It’s not fair!” Sirius blew his nose again and looked down, now staring at his own hands. “He was my best friend, you know. We were always so close. I could say anything to him, trust him with anything, and you know what? I know he feels the same way about me. And now it’s over. It’s all over.”

“Perhaps. Perhaps not.”

“I think you’re being optimistic, sir,” Sirius replied.

“You can still be here for your brother, though I admit your role will change now that he’s set to become a Death Eater tomorrow. But you can do a very important thing for Regulus. You can show him by your own behaviour that he can still turn to you for support and love.”

Sirius scowled. “He won’t, sir. I know that. He’ll turn to Snape for that, not me.”

“Speaking of Severus, what you did to him is completely unacceptable.”

“He deserved more,” Sirius replied bitterly.

“You have no right placing the bulk of blame on Severus’ shoulders, Sirius! You beat him unjustly, and you and I both know that you would have killed him if the others hadn’t pulled you off him. Admit to that much!”

Sirius jumped to his feet indignantly. “So what if I did? You know he’s going down the same path as my brother! I would have been doing our world a service!”

“I know you’re speaking in anger, Sirius,” Dumbledore replied sharply. He narrowed his eyes at him. “You have tremendous potential to do good in our world, but you have one great stumbling block.”

“What’s that?”

“You’re the son of Walburga Black,” Dumbledore replied plainly.

“And I’ve worked damn hard to distance myself from those monsters! Remember that, sir?”

Dumbledore sat back in his chair and folded his arms casually. “In many ways you have, Sirius. You are clearly not the bigoted little brat you were as a First Year, that is true, however, you still behave like a spoilt rich boy.”

“That’s not true!”

“You have a tendency to feel entitled to do precisely whatever you wish. I am sure that, growing up amongst a very prominent, very dangerous family, you got your way most of the time.”

Sirius snorted at that. “Not around my mother!”

“But around others, and certainly, most in the wizarding world are reluctant to say no to a Black. And were you not taught that violence is often justified?”

Sirius blushed at that. “It is! I may have come to your side of things, Professor, but I’m no pacifist!”

“Nor am I,” Dumbledore replied. “But beating Severus Snape is not an appropriate use of violence! He may be your brother’s friend, but in no way has he forced Regulus into the Death Eaters. That is your mother’s and Lord Voldemort’s doing, not Severus.”

“But…”

Dumbledore stopped him with a wave of the hand and a silencing charm. “I have sent for Mr. Potter to represent you at your hearing tomorrow afternoon.”

“My hearing?” Sirius exclaimed. “For a stupid fight?”

“For beating a student to a bloody pulp and threatening murder, yes, Mr. Black. You risk being expelled for this, even prosecuted should Severus decide to send you to Azkaban. And if he does that, considering how public your outburst was, I’m afraid he would have a very strong case against you.”

Sirius collapsed once again onto the chair, stung by Dumbledore’s words. “I’m not sorry, sir,” he confessed. “I know you want me to apologise, but I won’t. I can’t!”

Dumbledore frowned. “Then things will likely become extremely difficult for you this year.”

* * * * *

Locked up, for a while anyway, imprisoned in a long disused dungeon in a dark room, deep inside the underground network of passages and ancient rooms in the castle. With only a single torch as a light that night, Sirius had little choice but to sit and think or sleep or fret--but reading anything was impossible, and with no visitors allowed just yet, Sirius gathered his thoughts.

Was he really not sorry? How could he be sorry? Punching Severus felt so good, and feeling Severus’ blood on his hands felt even better. Maybe Dumbledore was right. Maybe he really was too much like his family. Sirius despaired all over again. He curled up in a dark corner of the dungeon and shut his eyes, trying to empty his mind of everything that had just transpired that horrible evening. Sirius wondered what Dumbledore meant, that things could become extremely difficult for him this year. He ached to talk to James but of course, that was impossible. As soon as the six Prefects had shoved him into the dungeon, they quickly locked the door and left him alone there, taking a protesting James along with them.

He wanted a hamburger, too.

But before hamburgers or conversations with James, he would have to have his hearing, something that made Sirius extremely nervous. He supposed they could kick him out, though he felt somewhat sure that wouldn’t happen. But would Severus really have him prosecuted? Could Sirius really end up in Azkaban over a fight? He supposed so--it angered him all over against to think that his fate and his freedom rested on the likes of Severus Snape. It didn’t seem fair.

Sirius barely slept that night. The dungeon was damp and dripped all night long, the walls were cold and forbidding, and the total lack of light became a distraction rather than a comfort. By the time the sun rose and morning came, Sirius’ body felt stiff and sore, partly from the cold and partly from all the fighting and struggling of the previous evening.

It was Peter Pettigrew who came to rouse Sirius and bring him his breakfast--as good as it was to see any friend, Sirius still wished it had been James. Nonetheless, the food smelled good and it felt nice to see a friendly face. They kept the door open whilst they talked together.

“You alright in here?” Pettigrew asked, setting out a plate of eggs and bacon. Sirius poured out some coffee from the little kettle on the tray.

“No,” Sirius confessed. “But I guess it’s better than Azkaban, right?” He attempted to laugh, though it didn’t quite work.

“You keep lashing out like that and you will end up in Azkaban,” Pettigrew retorted. “You of all people should know that.”

Sirius chuckled bitterly. “You might be right. I guess I’ll just have to make sure it’s worth my while.”

But Pettigrew frowned. “Honestly, Sirius, I mean, you really are in danger! You’ve got to learn to let things go!”

“I know. I just got so...caught up, I guess. Have you heard how he is? I didn’t really kill him, did I?”

“Severus? He’ll be fine. You really did mess up his face a lot, but Madame Pomfrey fixed him up really well.”

Sirius opened his mouth to ask a question, but he stopped himself. He sighed. “Well, I guess I have a hearing to get ready for. Am I allowed to go to Dumbledore’s office by myself?”

“Of course not! The Head Boy will be along to take you.”

Sirius laughed at that. “Oh well that’s convenient! Why send James?”

Pettigrew shrugged. “Just to keep things interesting, I guess.”

Sure enough, James came by at the appointed time, ready to escort Sirius to the hearing. Sirius laughed as they went.

“Why did they make you Head Boy anyway, Prongs? You weren’t even Prefect!” Sirius joked.

“Connections,” James replied with a smirk. “I’m hoping the Prefects’ll do most of the work.”

“Oh, Lily will love that! Are you two going to survive this year without killing each other as Heads?”

“We’ll be fine as long as you don’t kill Severus,” James replied with a laugh.

“That might be difficult. But I’ll try, for your sake.”

“Oh yeah, by the way,” James added, “Dad’s shown up. He’s sort of your father-figure for the day. He thought you might need some support.”

“Your Dad’s the best.”

As good as it was to see Mr. Potter again, Sirius couldn’t get over how...old he looked so suddenly. He looked pale and much thinner than the last time he’d seen him, though that wasn’t so long ago. Sirius worried, but after a few minutes of pleasantries amongst them all, Sirius had to put aside his worries about Mr. Potter--Severus had arrived, as sullen as ever. Sirius fought the urge to punch him all over again.

“Severus,” Dumbledore said kindly—too kindly perhaps. “Please, come in and sit with us.” He indicated seven chairs circled around a small round table, at which all the others already sat, including Professors McGonagall and Slughorn. Mr. Potter reached across the table to shake hands with a very distrustful Severus.

“It’s good to meet you, Mr. Snape,” Mr. Potter said pleasantly. “I’m here on Sirius’ behalf, of course, but also as a neutral party.”

Severus gave him a cynical glare, then turned his attention to Dumbledore.

“The purpose of this meeting is to get to the bottom of yesterday’s brawl,” Dumbledore said. “As I have already stated to Sirius, this sort of behavior is absolutely unacceptable, and to be quite honest, I see it as a pattern of continual bullying and aggression on the part of you, Sirius, and you, James.”

“Sir,” James said, “Sirius was only sticking up for his brother…”

But Dumbledore silenced him with a wave of his hand. “I hardly call what he did merely sticking up for someone. What you did, Sirius, went far beyond that, and in fact, Mr. Snape has every right to pursue criminal action against you. Considering how many eyewitnesses there were to your attack, and considering that you are already seventeen, you could do time in Azkaban for what you did.”

“I’m sure we’re not here to send anyone to prison, Albus,” Mr. Potter said.

“That is not up to me,” Dumbledore replied. “That decision lies with Severus alone.”

Everyone turned to Severus just then, waiting for him to speak. Sirius could tell he was running the idea through his mind, delighting in the potentiality of sending Sirius Black to Azkaban, of letting him endure the agony of the Dementors for years to come. Sirius’ throat tightened with anxiety, unsure whether Severus would really go through with it.

“I think emotions are running high right now,” McGonagall said, breaking the uncomfortable silence. “It might be best to calm down first, before any such charges are considered.”

“He still needs to be punished, Minerva,” Slughorn said. “I will not stand by and allow my boys to be treated like this. The general prejudice against Slytherins…”

“Be reasonable, Horace!” Mr. Potter interjected. “No one is saying that Sirius is innocent nor that he won’t be punished!”

“Is that so, sir?” Severus snapped. “That’ll be a first.”

“Mr. Snape, I don’t think you’re being quite fair,” McGonagall lectured.

“With all due respect, ma’am,” Severus replied sharply, “these two have gotten away with constant bullying and baiting for way too long! They humiliated me publicly and what did they get? A slap on the wrist! Black tries to get me killed by his werewolf friend and you’re trying to tell me that he’s now acting out of nobility? Forgive me, Professor, but I’m just not seeing it!”

“Mr. Snape, we understand how upset you are…” she continued.

“You don’t get even one shred of how upset I am, ma’am!” he retorted. “They run around and bully people, not just me, but oh, they’re noble and divine Gryffindors, so it’s okay! Just put them in detention and then let them go out and do the same thing all over again!”

“You stupid jerk, Snape,” Sirius barked. “We’re not here because of some stupid prank that you can’t seem to get over! We’re here because of my brother, and you know that!”

Severus jumped up. “I know no such thing, Black! What I know is that your brother made a choice and that you took YOUR failure as a brother and turned it on me!”

“You’re his friend!”

“And you lived with him for sixteen years!” Severus bellowed, his fists clenched tight. “Why didn’t you protect him earlier if that’s what you thought he needed? Why didn’t you stop that Malfoy pervert from manhandling him day after day like a sex toy? Why didn’t you keep him away from your cousins if you thought they were so evil? That is not my fault just because you’re so busy running around with Potter that you neglected your brother and let him down!”

Dumbledore put a hand on Severus’ trembling shoulder. “Let’s all sit down.”

Severus sat and eventually, Sirius did, too.

Dumbledore wrote something out on a piece of parchment, which he then rolled up and tied with a piece of black ribbon. 

“The muggles have something called a restraining order,” he explained. “A restraining order restricts a person from coming within a certain number of feet of their victim.” Both Sirius and Severus winced at the word “victim.”

Dumbledore tapped the scroll with his wand, and then handed it to Professor Slughorn. “This parchment is such an order, and will be enforced magically. Sirius, you are to keep no less than five hundred feet from Mr. Snape at all times. I will adjust your schedule so that you are not in the same classes together. Mr. Snape, your classes will not be changed since you are the offended party. Any failure of you to follow this order, Sirius, will result in very dire magical consequences for you.”

“It’s not enough,” Severus seethed.

“I am not finished,” Dumbledore said impatiently. “Sirius, your suspension will continue for the next two weeks, in which you will remain in isolation. James or Lily may bring you books, and the Elf will bring you food, but otherwise, you will have no contact with any other student or adult until your release.”

“Albus, I think that’s a bit harsh,” Mr. Potter said sourly.

“And by comparison to Azkaban, this is nothing,” Dumbledore replied. “Were he under the age of seventeen, then I would agree with you, but he is an adult, and must be treated as one. He has shown extreme violence and he has threatened murder. I am willing to say that he is young and reckless, but I also think that he poses a serious threat to Mr. Snape right now. That may change over time, but for now, this must be done.”

After a few more minutes of tense discussion, Sirius was dismissed to return to the dungeon, whilst Severus was ordered to remain behind for more talk with Dumbledore.

“Son of a bitch,” Sirius grumbled as James and Mr. Potter escorted him through the corridors.

“Two weeks will fly by and you’ll be fine, son,” Mr. Potter said brightly.

Sirius shrugged. “I think you’re being optimistic, sir, but thanks all the same.”

Mr. Potter coughed--James gave his father a pained look, but they walked on. “Anyway, Sirius, you’ll have a little peace and quiet for a few days. Think of it as a little retreat.”

“I guess.” At the threshold of the dungeon, Sirius shook hands with Mr. Potter. “Take care, sir. And thank you for supporting me.”

“Any time, Sirius,” he replied. He coughed again.


	38. A Death in the Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Lily and James visited him every day with books, assignments and a shoulder to lean on, which made the time pass more quickly. James wanted to play Gobstones with him, but Dumbledore wouldn’t permit it. But then, at the start of the second week, James stopped coming. At first it was one day, but by the third day with no James, Sirius worried. He hoped James wasn’t sick._
> 
> _“Where is he?” he asked Lily that evening. She had brought him his homework in Charms and taken a little time to go over it with him by wandlight._
> 
> _Lily paused, and for a moment, her upper lip trembled. Sirius panicked._

Logistics had to be worked out so that the restraining order would be kept and followed. The Gryffindor table was moved to one end of the Great Hall, while the Slytherin table was moved to the other far end. Sirius’ entire schedule was altered so that he was not in the same classroom as Severus. This meant that he had to drop Potions and study it independently if he wanted to take the NEWT in the Spring. It also meant that he had one more thing to blame Severus for, creating further antipathy between the two of them.

The two weeks of imprisonment were harder on Sirius than he had anticipated. It wasn’t that he was physically uncomfortable or in pain. Indeed, the dungeon was quite nice during the daytime. The long window let in plenty of light, and the cot on which Sirius slept at night was more than comfortable. The walls were stone, but a soft colour, which brightened the room further. The downside was that it became very cold at night, as well as nearly pitch black. Study at night was impossible, as was getting a sound sleep.

Lily and James visited him every day with books, assignments and a shoulder to lean on, which made the time pass more quickly. James wanted to play Gobstones with him, but Dumbledore wouldn’t permit it. But then, at the start of the second week, James stopped coming. At first it was one day, but by the third day with no James, Sirius worried. He hoped James wasn’t sick.

“Where is he?” he asked Lily that evening. She had brought him his homework in Charms and taken a little time to go over it with him by wandlight.

Lily paused, and for a moment, her upper lip trembled. Sirius panicked.

“Lily, where is he?” Sirius asked. “Is he alright?”

She nodded. “He’s fine. Sirius,” she started, stifling a little sob. “Four days ago, Mr. Potter...well, you know he was very ill and...well...he passed away.”

“What?” Sirius gasped. “Oh my gods! What happened?”

Her emerald eyes filled with tears. “As I said, he’d been sick for a few weeks…you saw how he looked last week, right?”

“Yeah. He was pretty pale, and he did look pretty run-down. This is terrible!”

“I know. Mr. Potter just got sicker and sicker, no matter what Mrs. Potter did to try and help him get better. and one day, he just...died.”

“That’s awful! Poor Mrs. Potter! What’s she going to do now?”

“I don’t know. James was so upset, Sirius. You know how close he was to his father. He’s devastated.”

“Why didn’t you tell me before?” Sirius asked.

“He asked me not to, actually. He figured you had enough to worry about with Regulus and all. But I just couldn’t keep it from you any more, Sirius. James is trying to be considerate of your situation, but I think he’s just confused and in pain. He’s never gone through a loss like this before.”

Sirius nodded. “True. Well, I’ll be nice to him when he gets back.”

Lily gave him a little hug and kissed him on the cheek. For a fleeting moment of bliss, Sirius wished she had kissed his lips, but of course, that was all over now. He missed Cecilia suddenly.

By the time Sirius was released from his imprisonment a few days later, James still hadn’t returned to school, making Sirius worry about him tremendously. As a couple more days passed with no James, Sirius had to wonder whether James would return at all. After all, his mother wasn’t a young woman, and of course, she had just lost her husband. Maybe she was in need of her son, or maybe she wasn’t quite ready to let him go just yet. Either way, Sirius searched more and more eagerly for his friend.

Regulus, in the meantime, had returned from his initiation at Blackstone, the family’s home in Kent, though he looked nothing of his old self. Naturally, Sirius couldn’t see the Dark Mark that undoubtedly had been emblazoned onto Regulus’ arm, yet Sirius could feel its presence. Regulus looked depleted of energy, bereft of spirit. He looked bedraggled and stressed and even a little intoxicated. Long gone was the joyful, happy-go-lucky Regulus that had been so refreshingly annoying. 

Who was this new Regulus? And did Sirius want to get to know him? This new Regulus was moody, occasionally violent, brooding and dark. He often sat and stared off into the distance, ignoring those around him, his mind filled with what could only have been troubled thoughts. Sirius wanted to rush to him and get him to talk, but he didn’t. As Severus and Dumbledore had both said, Regulus made his choice, and he now had to live with that choice, no matter how badly things got.

That hurt.

Finally, at long last, James Potter returned to the common room, nearly six days after Sirius’ release. He looked thin and haggard, despite attempts to seem his casual old self. James managed a wan smile, but Sirius could see that it brought him great pain. Sirius stood up and wrapped his arms around his friend and held him close for a moment. James sniffled and gave Sirius a pat on the back.

“Out of prison, I see?” James said.

“Yeah. On furlough. James, I’m so sorry about your Dad,” Sirius said.

James threw a quick glare at Lily, but then, his face fell. “Thanks,” he mumbled.

“How’s your mother?”

“Bad. Really bad.” James turned away. “Can we not talk about this please?”

“Sure, mate,” Sirius replied. “Whatever you want.”

Remus picked up James’ suitcase and took it into the boys’ dorm whilst Sirius and Lily sat with James near the hearth. James shifted in his seat uncomfortably.

“James, baby, I had to tell him,” Lily confessed. “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t keep him in the dark like that. I hope you understand.”

James rubbed his eyes and nodded. “It’s okay, hon. Look, I just need to move ahead, you know, keep up with everything. I’ve been gone way too long as it is!”

It was hard to watch. For the next two days, James nearly limped to class. He barely ate, and was so distracted by his own, private inner turmoil that the Prefects had to start doing his Head Boy duties for him. The Marauders didn’t quite know what to do or how to talk to him. Remus had tried, but succeeded only in infuriating James. Lily tried gentleness with him, but he pushed her away. Pettigrew didn’t try at all, not wanting to incur James’ wrath at such a sensitive moment in his life. So it was up to Sirius.

Regulus was brooding again, Severus was off in a dark corner of the library, giving Sirius the chance to relax a little in the Great Hall. He ate his dinner, plus seconds and thirds, finally able to enjoy himself for once. The House Elves had gone all out that evening, with fresh salmon, rice, vegetables, all sorts of delicious desserts spread across the long table. Despite the inconvenience of having the entire Gryffindor table moved to one end of the Great Hall, Sirius rather preferred this new location, just under the tall windows. But James…

Sirius elbowed him. “Hey, I need to show you something,” Sirius whispered in his ear.

“Later.” James picked at his food but ate nothing.

“Seriously, mate, you’ve got to see this!”

James sighed heavily. “I’m not in the mood, alright?”

Sirius nudged him again. “Come on, mate! Don’t be such a pillock!”

James clenched his fists for a moment. “Don’t you dare…”

“Come on!” Sirius insisted, standing up. “To your feet, Potter! Look sharp!”

Remus laughed. “Go on, Prongs. If you don’t, Sirius is liable to turn into a dog and bite your leg!”

James scowled. He tossed down his napkin and got up. “This had better be good,” he grumbled, following Sirius out of the Great Hall.

Together, they made their way out to the Black Lake, walking around the shore until they reached a well-hidden spot where they could sit down and talk. Sirius couldn’t help but feel incredibly nervous about all this, especially as he didn’t actually have anything to show James. He hoped James would understand the lie and finally open up.

Sirius plopped down on the grass, but James remained standing, shoulders hunched, head slightly bowed. Sirius patted the ground next to him for James to sit, but James ignored it.

“So what is it?” James asked impatiently. “What do you want to show me?”

Sirius bit his lip. “Well...uh...you see, I uh…”

James glared at him. “You lied to me.”

“I did,” Sirius confessed. “I’m sorry, mate, really. Please sit. Please?”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Sirius! I already said I need to move ahead! Why won’t anyone listen to me, dammit?”

“Because we love you, you idiot, and we loved your father, too! We’re scared for you.”

“This is bollocks,” James muttered, turning away.

“You know, James, you’ve always been there for me when I was going through all my own family drama. It meant the world to me, especially when I was at my very lowest point. Look, mate, I just want to return the favor.”

“I know,” James replied quietly.

“James, you changed my life,” Sirius said. “Your father did, too. You’ve put up with all my bullshit and all my mood swings over the years and…”

“You don’t owe me, Padfoot!”

“I know that! I’ve always trusted that I can talk to you about anything and...I just hope you feel the same way is all.”

James nodded. “I do. It’s just...this is my first time dealing with something like this, I mean, you’re the bloody expert on tragedy!”

Sirius smirked. “No shit!”

James paced slowly back and forth, his hands plunged deep in his pockets. “I didn’t even cry at his funeral! I’m an idiot!”

“That doesn’t make you a monster,” Sirius replied. “We all react to grief and shock differently.”

“He was my best friend,” James lamented. He sniffled a little. “Everything I am and everything I want to be is because of him. Dad knew me better than anyone! He was the only one who could put me in my place.”

Sirius grinned. “Better than Evans?”

“Way better.” James sat next to Sirius and stretched out his legs. He sniffled again. “I nearly withdrew from school, you know.”

“Why?” Sirius exclaimed.

“Mum isn’t well. She’s in no shape to handle something like this.” His voice shook a little. “Years ago, when I was a kid, maybe nine or ten, Mum was in a really bad accident. She had some pretty traumatic head injuries, nearly died.”

“But she’s better, right?”

“From the outside she seems fine, I mean, you saw her this summer. She stays really active, eats well, she bakes all the time and sees friends and keeps up the house. But the Healer always tells her to watch the stress because if she goes through anything too big, it could kill her!”

“Gods, James! What was she like at home?”

“Bedridden for days, nearly paralysed. The morning of the funeral was the first time she arose since she collapsed after his...death.”

“She collapsed?” Sirius exclaimed, eyes wide.

James nodded. “She had to stay at St. Mungo’s overnight. The Healer was afraid she might have a stroke or something, so when I got home, there was an owl for me to rush straight to hospital to collect my mother.”

“She didn’t have a stroke, did she?” Sirius asked, horrified by the story.

“No, thank the gods. But she could, at any time.”

“I guess I can see why you didn’t want to come back.”

James started picked at the grasses under his feet, sniffling a little more now. He rubbed his eyes once, twice, four times, and when Sirius placed a hand on James’ shoulder, James broke down. He wept bitterly, wildly for several minutes--Sirius remained beside him until the violent storm of grief had finally spent itself, leaving James exhausted and red-faced.

“I’m sorry,” James choked, struggling to regain control of himself.

Sirius put an arm around his shoulders, leaning his head against James’. They sat quietly like that for a while, just watching the ripples on the lake’s glossy surface.

“I’m the last of the line,” James finally said. “If my mother dies, I’m alone. She’s not a young woman, Sirius!”

“I know.”

“I’m not like you, Sirius! I don’t know how to function on my own! I’m too spoilt, too...dependent.”

“You’ve got me. You’ve got Lily and Remus and Peter. You’ve got Dumbledore, too. None of us will let you feel remotely alone, trust me.”

James nodded, drying his face with his sleeve. Sirius stood up and dusted off his robes.

“Listen, mate,” Sirius said, “you probably have a lot to think about right now. Join us in the common room when you’re ready, right?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Sirius.”

“Sure.”

“Say, you won’t tell the guys I cried like a schoolgirl, will you?”

Sirius winked at him. “For a price.”

“Very funny.”

* * * *

James didn’t join them later on, after all, though Sirius could hear him return to the boys’ dorm much later, two hours after bedtime. Sirius decided not to say anything, relieved and hopeful that perhaps that wall of grief had been broken down, at least a little.

The next morning, James awoke with a spring in his step. At breakfast, he ate so much he had to unbutton the top of his trousers, and though he still didn’t talk much, he looked better, rosier, a little brighter. Remus poked Sirius under the table. By the end of the week, James was nearly his old self, though perhaps more subdued these days. No more wild tales or crazy imitations of the professors, at least not for now. A few less jokes, though he wasn’t entirely humourless. James had even apologised to Lily and to Remus for his bad temper earlier in the week, though Sirius worried about him anew.

In truth, Sirius couldn’t get James’ words about Mrs. Potter out of his head. What Sirius didn’t want to admit was that he would have been more than willing to swap places with James, so long as that meant that Mrs. Black rather than Mrs. Potter would die--at first the thought shocked him, then shamed him, but all too soon, it made Sirius sick with envy. Why couldn’t he feel close to his own father? What had Orion Black done but remain a stoic and allow his wife to overpower the entire family? 

What to make of Orion Black? The thought suddenly troubled Sirius deeply. For so long he hadn’t thought much about his father, mostly because of his father’s silence. He seemed to be so content just sitting in the back of the room, listening, agreeing, financing everything. But did he agree, or was he just bullied by his wife? Then again, he had allowed his sixteen year-old son to become a Death Eater. Was that simple weakness or complicity?

Naturally, Sirius knew he could say none of this to Regulus. Regulus, after all, was having enough troubles these days. Reports of drunkenness and wild depression reached Sirius’ ears before long, tearing into his heart all over again. More than anything, Sirius wanted to feel nothing. He wanted to dismiss it, as Severus did, as simply the consequence of a choice that Regulus had made, however, Sirius found that he simply couldn’t do that. He tried to lose himself in James’ grief, to get himself caught up in someone else’s drama for a change, hoping to forget about Regulus’ struggles.

It was useless. Every day, Sirius waited for that little spark of life Regulus used to have, wished desperately for its return. He would even have been happy to take another barrage of insults, or even a fistfight with his brother, if only as proof of life and energy.

Nothing.

The term dragged painfully along. James took a long time to recover from the intensity of his grief, and Regulus wasn’t changing either. Lily remained supportive, as did Remus and Pettigrew, but for Sirius, it wasn’t enough.

He wondered whether anything would ever be the same again.


	39. Vernon Dursley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Like most wizards, Sirius and James knew next to nothing about the muggle world and certainly nothing about muggle politics. Thus, Sirius found it captivating to listen to Vernon and Mr. Evans go on about plane crashes and the State of Israel and the new American President and something called the Concorde. Sirius never knew there was so much to the muggle world, so much strife and progress and passion. He’d always been told by his mother and by the Dark Lord that the muggle world was inferior, backwards, without light or hope or purpose, but now, as he listened to Vernon and Mr. Evans, Sirius couldn’t help but see just how wrong he’d been._

Who would have thought that the presence of Bellatrix Black-Lestrange would cause such a commotion? It was awkward enough when she showed up in Hogsmeade back in January to take Severus’ virginity on his seventeenth birthday--that was understandable...almost. She had been on mission so to speak, Sirius supposed, to draw Severus more deeply into the Death Eaters before he had even entered. Clever tactic, Sirius reasoned. Evil, but clever.

But why Bella should show her ugly face at Hogwarts itself in the middle of the school year struck Sirius as extremely odd. Sirius was sure she saw him, yet to his relief, Bella ignored his presence, slinking instead directly to the Slytherin table, where she imposed herself on both Regulus and Severus. Sirius couldn’t hear what they discussed, but he could clearly see just how attracted the other boys were to her. Of course, it could simply have been because she was female, though Sirius reckoned that the force of her personality and her reputation also drew their eyes to her.

But what was this? Regulus looked none too chuffed to see her, and in fact, he looked downright annoyed when she seemed to tease him and nibble his ear and poke him playfully. A collective gasp emerged from the entire Gryffindor table when Bella then turned and kissed Severus on the mouth, tongues slurping and wagging obscenely, and Sirius felt a stab of rage tear through him when Severus allowed Bella to lead him out of the Great Hall, stringing him along by the necktie as if they were old lovers. He could only assume that Bella was there to continue her affair with Severus, only they didn’t get past the doorway.

The arrival of a very cross Professor Dumbledore put an end to the entire scene, to Sirius’ great relief. Deep down, he didn’t want to see Severus get caught up in the noxious vortex of Bellatrix Lestrange, knowing all too well that it would be his destruction. In fact, Sirius still held out hope that Severus might not become a Death Eater at all, which would mean that he could still persuade Regulus to get out somehow.

“I think I’m going to sick up my lunch right now,” James whispered to him.

“It’s so horrible,” Sirius muttered. “All they do is destroy. I’d rather see my brother dead than have him ruin his life by becoming a monster.”

James didn’t reply.

* * * *

“Gated! For the rest of the school year!” Pettigrew announced to the Marauders in the common room that evening.

“Severus?” Lily exclaimed. “Why? For kissing a psychopath?”

“That seems kind of harsh,” Remus replied. “Why would Dumbledore stoop to that?”

“Protection,” Sirius said.

“Against what?” Pettigrew wondered.

“Against himself,” Sirius said. “He doesn’t want another Death Eater in his school. I can’t say I blame him. I bet he wishes he could have gated my brother.”

“But your mother could still have taken him away,” Lily pointed out.

“Maybe. Or maybe not. But Severus is an adult, so the school would have a greater control over him in this instance because his mother wouldn’t be able to intervene as much.”

Lily shrugged. “Maybe. I wonder what he’ll do. I feel so bad for him.”

James made a face at her. “Say, you’re not still friends with him, are you?”

“Not really, at least not like we used to be. He called me a mudblood! I just can’t be around him like that any more. I told him I couldn’t continue to make excuses for him and pretend like his beliefs are totally normal!”

“Do you really think he believes it, though?” Pettigrew asked.

Sirius scowled. “I still don’t believe he’s a pureblood, I mean, it’s not possible! And if he’s not, then how can be believe all that shit of the Dark Lord’s?”

Remus smirked. “See, Lily, there’s hope for you and Severus after all!”

James chucked a crumpled up piece of parchment at him--it bounced off the top of his head and landed in Pettigrew’s lap.

“How’s your mother doing, Prongs?” Remus asked.

James shrugged. “She’s hanging in there, actually. She sees the Healer pretty often, though. Lots of headaches, which makes me worry.”

“Could be stress,” Remus said.

“That’s what worries me,” James replied. “She’s not supposed to get stressed if she can avoid it.”

“What does she tell you in her letters?”

“Nothing, naturally. She’s fine, she’s bloody perfect. But our neighbors say she doesn’t come outside any more, and that she hasn’t entertained anyone since...since Dad.”

“Give her time, James,” Remus replied. “It’s just been a short time, I mean, she needs to adjust a bit. Your mother is a strong woman. She’ll know when it’s time to start seeing people again.”

James didn’t look too convinced. “I asked Dumbledore whether I could visit home, but he said no. Thankfully he pops in on her from time to time.”

“And?” Sirius asked.

“Nothing to report. She feeds him pot roast and vegetables and doesn’t give the slightest complaint.”

“Yeah, but he’d know if she were covering up or lying, right?” Remus said. “He’s a Legilimens, isn’t he?”

“I guess,” James said.

“I’d worry more about Regulus Black than about your mother, truth be told,” Remus added.

“What’s up with Regulus?” Lily asked, concerned.

“I think he had a nervous breakdown this term,” Sirius said mournfully. “Old news, I mean, of course someone like Regulus is going to break down like that! You can bet he had to kill someone already and…”

“What?” Lily exclaimed, horrified. “Regulus?”

“Every Death Eater has to earn that Dark Mark,” Sirius replied matter-of-factly. “You don’t just get it and then that’s it! You have to kill, no matter what.”

“But Regulus is only a boy! Does You-Know-Who really expect a boy to kill?” Lily asked.

“He’s not a boy any more,” Sirius shot back. “It doesn’t matter how old or young he is. Regulus is a Death Eater, and that automatically places him in a different category of being.” His shoulders slumped. “But I wish he were still a boy. I’d kick his arse then.”

* * * *

The Christmas break brought new worries to Sirius. Under normal circumstances, he would have gone home with James and stayed with the Potters for the entire holiday, but in the wake of Mr. Potter’s death and Mrs. Potter’s poor health, Sirius thought it might be best to find an alternative. Unfortunately, James agreed with him.

“I think Mum and I need some serious time together, mate,” James confessed to him one night after dinner. They sat alone in an empty stairwell, far away from the rest of the student body.

“What about Lily? Will you see her at all?”

“I’m going to try to get Mum to come to the Evans’ for Christmas dinner,” James replied. “I’m considering Imperiusing her, to be honest.”

Sirius chuckled at that. “Probably not a good idea. I can’t be bailing you out of Azkaban over a Christmas cracker.”

On the train, both Sirius and James remained relatively quiet, letting themselves be entertained by Pettigrew and Lily, both of whom were heatedly discussing who was the ugliest Death Eater.

“I say Lucius Malfoy,” Lily crowed.

“He’s not ugly,” Pettigrew disagreed.

“He’s hideous on the inside. I don’t care how he looks on the outside.”

“I think Bella is worse,” Pettigrew said.

“At least Lucius has better taste in men,” James whispered in Sirius’ ear. They both sniggered.

“Shut up, Prongs,” Sirius whispered back.

At the station, James went with Lily’s father--her mother was ill and in muggle hospital. Mr. Evans looked a little stressed, a little harried, but happy to see his daughter and her boyfriend again. He shook hands with Sirius and clapped him on the back.

“Nice to see you again, Black,” he said enthusiastically.

“Same to you, sir.”

“I understand your situation is better now, right?”

“Somewhat,” Sirius admitted. He blushed lightly. “At least I have a roof over my head, which is a relief. Still ironing out some of the details, though. But I’m fine, I’m really good.”

“Come over, Sirius,” Lily insisted. “I’ll introduce you to my sister and her awful boyfriend!”

“Dilby, right?” James asked. “Or was it Dickhead?”

Lily laughed and elbowed him in the ribs. “Dursley, you idiot!”

James stuck out his tongue and scratched the top of his head. “Oh yes, Dursley. Small penis, right?” he asked.

“James!” she shrieked, slugging him on the arm. Mr. Evans laughed at the two of them. “Come on, Sirius, come over just for dinner,” Lily insisted. “James is going home tomorrow, and so I really want to see you both tonight.”

“We’d love to have you, son,” Mr. Evans added.

Sirius couldn’t help but think of Mr. Potter just then. Mr. Potter called him “son” just the same way, with genuine affection and esteem.

“I’d love to, sir,” he replied. “Thank you very much.”

* * * * 

Vernon Dursley was...imposing. Though a young man, he was thick-necked and beefy, as if he spent the better portion of the day feasting on pork pies and fizzy drinks. Yet there was a certain...presence about him, a force of personality that amused and fascinated Sirius. Vernon Dursley had specific opinions on most things, the state of the country, the economy, the Americans, the French, the Soviets.

“Bloody bolshy fools,” Vernon muttered as the six of them sat in the parlour sipping on sherry before dinner. The scent of roasted turkey wafted through the room.

Naturally, like most wizards, Sirius and James knew next to nothing about the muggle world and certainly nothing about muggle politics. Thus, Sirius found it captivating to listen to Vernon and Mr. Evans go on about plane crashes and the State of Israel and the new American President and something called the Concorde. Sirius never knew there was so much to the muggle world, so much strife and progress and passion. He’d always been told by his mother and by the Dark Lord that the muggle world was inferior, backwards, without light or hope or purpose, but now, as he listened to Vernon and Mr. Evans, Sirius couldn’t help but see just how wrong he’d been.

Dinner was one of the best Sirius had eaten in a long while. Though Lily and her sister didn’t get on much, Petunia Evans was an excellent cook. Even Lily had to admit to that. James seemed to be in a good mood, more so as he drank a little more sherry and wine with dinner. Being with Lily seemed to lift his spirits, and before long, he was nearly his old, cheerful self. Everyone seemed tolerant and open that peaceful night--even Vernon and Petunia didn’t insult Lily or James. Then again, perhaps that was due to the Blacks’ dark reputation--perhaps Vernon and Petunia didn’t want to risk anything.

James stayed the night in the guest room, and though Sirius was invited to bunk with his friend, he decided that he needed to head back to London.

“Of course, before I go, maybe I should stop by Snape’s house and throw rotten eggs at it!” he joked.

“Sev moved after his father died,” Lily pointed out. “He hasn’t lived around here for a couple of years now. Plus, I heard his mother kicked him out anyway.”

“I didn’t know that,” James piped up.

“Alice overheard him talking to Regulus about it. I think he’s staying with your family, Sirius,” Lily said.

Sirius smirked. “Well, then I guess I have a new reason to throw rotten eggs at my parents’ house.” James laughed, but Lily frowned.

“Sirius, be nice,” she scolded him. “Come on, I want you to have a peaceful holiday, alright?”

He kissed her on the cheek and laughed. “I will. I’ll be a good boy. I promise. Besides, I’m not interested in getting kidnapped and inducted into the Death Eaters, so I’ll be staying far away from anyone remotely associated with my family.”

The moment he apparated back to London, however, Sirius stood in the empty street, now wondering what he was going to do. True, he had endless amounts of money and thus could stay at the finest muggle hotel in London if he wanted. He hedged at that, however. After hearing so much about the muggle world that evening around the Evans table, Sirius realised that he wouldn’t know the first thing about getting and using muggle money. Plus, what sort of strange contraptions would a muggle hotel room have? He was sure he wouldn’t be able to use any of them and would thus end up sitting alone in the dark. No, he needed an alternative.

For the night, then, he stayed at the Leaky Cauldron, making himself more than comfortable. The next day he wended his way through Diagon Alley doing loads of Christmas shopping, buying the most extravagant gifts for his friends that he could find. Sirius somehow felt obligated to spend as much of his parents’ money on gifts for mudbloods, muggles and blood-traitors, and in fact, by the end of the day, he had spent nearly five hundred Galleons just on the Marauders, Professor Dumbledore, his cousin Andromeda, Mrs. Potter, Mr. Evans and Lily. That felt good. He spent more time sending the gifts and by the time he had done all of that, the hour had grown rather late.

Sirius hadn’t expected to run into Alice Bones coming out of the Post Office. She looked uncommonly pretty that evening, her ginger hair tied back in a long plait that curled at the ends. Her cheeks were pink from the chilly breeze, but she was overjoyed to see Sirius. She gave him a little hug, which he gladly returned.

“I thought you’d be with the Potters for the holiday,” she said.

“James needed private time with his mum this year, considering all that happened.”

“Yeah, I guess so. So what are your plans? The Pettigrews?”

“No. They’re off somewhere, I think. I don’t really have plans.”

“Say, why don’t you come to our house for Christmas? You can spend all day with us! Daddy is dying to meet you!”

“Me?” Sirius chortled. “Why?”

“Because you’re the Black who rebelled! He thinks that’s brilliant!”

Sirius’ ears felt hot. “What does your father, do, anyway?”

“He’s an Auror, actually, like my uncle Edgar. Most of my family are either Aurors or in law enforcement.”

“Are they in the Order of the Phoenix?” Sirius asked. “I mean, if you’re allowed to say. I don’t want to pry or get anyone in trouble.”

“No, it’s fine. Daddy’s not in the order, but he advises them. Uncle Edgar and his wife are members, of course, but my aunt Amelia isn’t, but she wishes she were.”

“Why can’t she be?”

“Her position in the Ministry makes it difficult, but she does what Daddy does.” Suddenly, Alice stopped.

Sirius sensed trouble suddenly. “Hey, I won’t repeat this to anyone. Trust me, Alice, after I’m out of Hogwarts, I have every intention of joining the Order myself.”

She smiled and took him by the arm and together, they returned to the Leaky Cauldron for a drink. In some ways, Alice reminded Sirius a little of Cecilia--they both had the same sweetness, a genuine compassion and sensitivity that Sirius hungered for. So unused to even the remotest amount of tenderness in his life, he found himself rushing towards it in those rare moments when it presented itself to him.

But he wanted it to be different this time. With Cecilia, they had rushed immediately into sex, and though Sirius wouldn’t have minded having Alice in his bed, he hesitated. Maybe it was because she was from a prominent pureblooded family, or maybe because he didn’t want to see her and her family get hurt, as Cecilia’s family had. Or maybe it was simply a matter of wanting something more than just physical intimacy with a girl. Sirius wanted companionship, true friendship--he hoped Alice would want the same thing.

Thus, when Alice didn’t kiss him before they parted that evening, Sirius didn’t mind. True, she had given him a little hug, but that was it. He thought about her hug, the feeling of her body pressed to his so sweetly yet ardently. Sirius smiled to himself and fell asleep.


	40. To the Bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Any time turned into every day. Sirius and Alice Bones decided to see every muggle tourist attraction in all of London. They went to the Tower, the Tate, the Houses of Parliament, Trafalgar Square, everywhere. They lunched at Herrod’s, that is, once they figured out how British pounds worked, and they rode the Tube as well. They kissed in front of Albert Hall and by the banks of the Thames, and everywhere else as well. They talked and joked and read and discussed ideas--Sirius had never been so happy in all his life._
> 
> _“I’m going to do something really crazy,” he said as they walked hand in hand down the street, past a motorbike shop._
> 
> _“What?”_
> 
> _“I’m going to buy one of those,” Sirius replied, pointing at the window of the shop._
> 
> _“A muggle motorbike?”_

As much as he missed his friends that holiday, Sirius enjoyed his few days of total freedom. Everything was so quiet in his room, so still. He should have felt bored with all the inactivity, but instead, Sirius decided to treat it like a little retreat where he could sit and think and ponder his future.

Not thinking about Regulus was incredibly easy, which surprised Sirius. He had worried and wept and struggled so much regarding Regulus, and as a result, Sirius determined to let him go entirely. Now that Regulus’ fate was sealed, nothing more was to be done. It was time to say good-bye.

On Christmas morning, Sirius arose early, showered, put a nice-smelling pomade in his black hair and made sure he was wearing his very best robes. Going to the Bones manse was going to be a big moment for Sirius. It would be the first time they had welcomed anyone from the Black family into their midst, and Sirius wanted to be sure that this would be memorable for all. In a way, however, he felt incredibly ignorant. All he knew about politics came from his mother and from the Dark Lord, and he feared that if someone asked him his opinion about something, he might give the wrong answer or sound entirely ignorant.

He arrived at half eleven, as promised, weighed down with an armload of gifts for Alice and the rest of the family. When he bought a solid gold wand holster for Edgar Bones, Sirius had felt especially proud, considering that Edgar had been responsible for the recent deaths of three Death Eaters. An army of House Elves relieved him of his gifts and ushered him into the elegant parlour, where Alice and her cousin, Jacob, were waiting. 

Sirius couldn’t help but grin widely at the sight of Alice. Her soft hair cascaded down her back in gentle tendrils, and her eyes looked so bright and happy and...lovely.

“Hi,” Sirius said. He felt more than a little nervous just then.

Jacob jumped up to greet him. Sirius knew Jacob Bones only a little--Jacob was two years younger and, like most of the family, was in Hufflepuff. Like Alice, however, Jacob had the reddest hair Sirius had ever seen, and his round, friendly face was a mass of freckles.

“Good to see you, Black,” Jacob said excitedly. “How’s Potter?”

“Good. Fine.”

The rest of the family was just as welcoming, just as warm as Jacob and Alice, though Sirius noticed that they were also very political. Most talk was about the Ministry or about the Dark Lord or about the Order of the Phoenix. Sirius felt somewhat conspicuous just then, as if he were some sort of interloper breaking in on forbidden discourse. Alice’s uncle Edgar was quick to pull Sirius into the conversation.

“What do you think about You-Know-Who’s plans to reverse the Muggle Protection Act?” he asked Sirius.

“He can’t,” Sirius replied. “That is, unless he infiltrates the Ministry. I know there are a handful of Death Eaters in the Ministry right now, but it’s not enough to influence the Wizengamot.”

“But they have their ways, don’t they?” retorted Amelia, Edgar’s sister.

Sirius shrugged. “Well, I mean there’s the Imperius Curse, or good old fashioned blackmail.”

“Exactly,” Edgar said. “That’s the whole damn problem, that they’re willing to go to that level to get their way.”

“But I don’t think the Dark Lord...that is...You-Know-Who...is interested in influencing anyone,” Sirius added. “He wants conquest and he wants to exterminate all those he believes are unworthy. That’s why he hasn’t used the Imperius Curse in that way. He uses it to cause mayhem and murder more than anything.”

“Sirius,” Edgar asked pointedly, “is there anyone else in your family who might be influenced to come to our side?”

“My cousin, Andromeda, of course. You know she married a mudbl...a muggle-born, right?”

“We know Andromeda well,” Amelia said. “What about your brother? I understand you two are close.”

“My brother is dead,” Sirius replied.  
 “What?” Alice gasped. “When?”

“As good as anyway,” Sirius grumbled. “He became a Death Eater in September, so no, I don’t think he’ll be willing to come to our side.”

“Why would You-Know-Who make a boy a Death Eater?” Amelia asked, aghast.

“It should have been me, to be honest. My parents are his oldest allies. My brother and I were raised to be dark princes, heirs to the Dark Lord’s vile legacy only I turned it down. Regulus didn’t. That’s why I wish to enter the Order after Hogwarts,” Sirius said.

“You would do that?” Edgar asked, impressed by Sirius’ resolve.

“In a heartbeat. They’ve turned my brother into a monster, so there’s no going back for me. I want to work as much as I can for as long as it takes to bring down the Dark Lord.”

Edgar grinned, satisfied with Sirius’ response. “Albus will be thrilled.”

* * * *

Presents, conversation, songs, a massive dinner. Mistletoe.

Gone was her hesitancy. Perhaps influenced by the day’s festivities and excitement and sherry, Alice was more than eager to capture Sirius under the mistletoe...frequently. Her first kiss was tender, a little shy, tasting of egg nog and peppermint. Her second kiss was confident and mature. Her third kiss was blistering.

In the middle of their intense kissing and petting and moaning and groaning, it occurred to Sirius that he just might have to violate that promise he had made to himself only a few days prior. Every fibre of his body was directed towards her, every remote part of his mind was fixated on her, driving him into increasingly dangerous territory. With tremendous regret, therefore, Sirius managed to pull back and loosen his tight grip around her bare waist.

“I’ve been waiting six years for that,” she whispered in his ear.

He laughed. “Me, too.”

Alice poked his nose. “You’re a lousy liar.” 

They dissolved into another burning kiss, though again, Sirius had to force himself to pull away a little, to slow down and not be so quick to put his hands where he knew they didn’t belong. What struck him as odd was that, as ardent as she was in her kiss, she didn’t try to pull him back, as if she sensed his hesitation and allowed him to be a gentleman. Sirius found that incredibly attractive, making it that much more difficult to resist her.

“You know, Sirius, I’m in desperate need of a study partner for exams,” she purred.

He laughed. “Oh I get it! So you’re using me sexually in order to exploit my brilliance?” he joked.

“As if! If I wanted to exploit someone’s brilliance, it would be Snape’s, only...well, you know.”

“Right,” Sirius replied with a laugh. “You wouldn't want to slip on the grease.”

“I really like you, Sirius,” Alice said. “You’ve changed so much since we first started school, and to be honest, it’s been a privilege to witness that.”

Sirius looked away. “You’re making me blush.”

“But it’s true! All of us were so afraid of you when you first got sorted into Gryffindor. You seemed to be so full of hate back then but now...I think you’re wonderful.”

“Wow,” Sirius breathed. What else could he say? “Can I see you again, before we go back to school?”

“Any time.”

Any time turned into every day. Sirius and Alice decided to see every muggle tourist attraction in all of London. They went to the Tower, the Tate, the Houses of Parliament, Trafalgar Square, everywhere. They lunched at Herrod’s, that is, once they figured out how British pounds worked, and they rode the Tube as well. They kissed in front of Albert Hall and by the banks of the Thames, and everywhere else as well. They talked and joked and read and discussed ideas--Sirius had never been so happy in all his life.

“I’m going to do something really crazy,” he said as they walked hand in hand down the street, past a motorbike shop.

“What?”

“I’m going to buy one of those,” Sirius replied, pointing at the window of the shop.

“A muggle motorbike?”

“Yeah! Remember that film we saw the other day, about those American muggles who rode about the countryside on motorbikes? That’s what I want to do!”

Alice laughed. “You should charm it to fly!”

“That’s a great idea! I should have thought of that! People at school are going to be completely gobsmacked when they see this thing!”

The muggle salesman was a bit reluctant to allow the young man in the strange clothes to take the motorbike for a trial run. In truth, Sirius had no idea how it worked or where to sit or what exactly made it go. But no matter. When he produced the entire price of the motorbike in cash, the salesman was much more willing to allow him to take whichever motorbike Sirius wished, even if Sirius had no identity card or drivers license. Sirius chose the biggest, most ostentatiously wild-looking model in the entire shop.

Problem. Getting the thing back to the Leaky Cauldron.

“What should we do?” he asked Alice. The muggle salesman watched them from the window.

“Let’s walk it to the corner and then disapparate.”

“Where? I’m starting to think this thing won’t fit in my hotel room.”

“How about the Potter house?” Alice suggested. “James will love it!”

Sirius wasn’t so sure that was a great idea, but it was the best one they had. Together, then, he and Alice mounted the bike and disapparated to Godric’s Hollow and walked the bike straight to the Potters’. Sirius wasn’t sure how happy James would be to see him at that point, though he hoped that Mrs. Potter was recovering from her illness. When James dashed out of his house, grinning widely at the sight of Sirius and Alice, Sirius knew all was well. He waved.

“What the bloody hell is that thing?” James asked, catching his breath.

“It’s a motorbike,” Sirius replied simply.

“What do you do with it?”

“You ride it.”

“Ride it?”

“You know, sort of like a broomstick, only this has wheels and rolls around on the ground.”

James’ face brightened. “You should charm it to fly! Hey, Dumbledore’s visiting this evening. Maybe he can help!”

Alice gave James a little kiss on the cheek. “How’s Mum?”

“She’s doing alright, actually. Thanks,” James replied. “Come on in, but we have to keep it down. She’s got to have things quiet and calm right now because of her heart.”

Together, the three of them rolled the motorbike to the back garden and parked it. James squatted down and looked over every inch of the thing, fascinated by this shiny muggle contraption.

“You never know about those muggles,” he mused, running his fingers over the smooth chrome. “Hey! I get Mr. Evans would know how to work this thing!”

They spent a few more minutes looking over the motorbike and speculating how to ride it, and in the end, James resolved to owl Lily for help. In the meantime, James invited them in for a short visit.

“I can’t be long. Mum’s having a lie-down right now, but once she’s up, I’ll need to see to whatever she needs.”

“What are you going to do when you have to return to school?” Alice asked. They sat in the parlour, looking out over the front garden.

“I’ll hire a caretaker,” James replied. “That’s why Dumbledore is visiting today. He’s got some recommendations for us.”

“So it’s just been you?” Alice asked. “No one else?”

“Actually, Pettigrew’s been here on and off for the last few days.”

“Pettigrew?” Sirius exclaimed. “I thought he was traveling with family.”

“So did I, but he said that their trip was a lot shorter and that he really wanted to help me out. He’s been great! He can even cook, which is a relief to my mother, trust me!”

“I had no idea Wormy was so domestic,” Sirius commented. “Say, what about Remus? Is he okay?”

“Same,” James replied, hesitant to say more in front of Alice.

“Is he sick or something?” Alice wondered.

“No. Just some personal drama,” James replied. “Nothing serious.”

Alice smiled.. “Remus is such a sweetie.”

James grinned. “So you two.”

Sirius blushed lightly, but Alice glowed. “We’ve had a lot of fun these last few days,” she said brightly.

“Well I’m really happy for you,” James replied, suppressing a snigger. “Just watch out for Black. He doesn’t always play nice.”

Sirius scowled at James.

Alice snuggled next to him and smiled quixotically. “Oh, he’s nice where it counts.”

James nodded, sniggering. “So I hear.”

“Shut up, Prongs,” Sirius groused.

* * * *

As it turned out, they didn’t need Mr. Evans’ help at all with the motorbike. To everyone’s surprise, Professor Dumbledore was a wealth of information about how it worked, how to ride it and most importantly, how to use the brakes. By the end of the evening, Sirius had become nearly an expert rider. First he rode alone, then with Alice on the back, and then with James. In truth, the seat was big enough for all three, and plus, the side-car gave even more room so that at one point, Sirius drive, with Alice in the back, and James and Professor Dumbledore in the side-car.

Soon, the needs of Mrs. Potter drew them all back to the house. Sirius and Alice said their good-byes and, without the motorbike, returned to London. They stood in the shadow of Big Ben, engulfed in a deep kiss.

“Come home with me,” Alice whispered. “Stay the night.”

But wait. Was that such a good idea? “Alice, I…”

She smiled. “In the guest room, naturally. I am a lady, after all.”

Sirius laughed. “I think I love you, Alice.”

“I love you, too.”

Morning in the Bones house was extremely busy. The family rose early, ate a rather spartan breakfast and spent a fair amount of time digesting the news of the day before going off to work. Their conversation mostly gravitated around politics, even so early in the morning. Sirius continued to feel intimidated by these people, though he strove to make himself a part of everything. After all, he was in love with their daughter, with the lovely Alice, so he wanted to make himself acceptable to everyone.

During the day, with the family at work or on mission for the Order, Sirius and Alice explored more of London, though they toured less and kissed more. The tension was building up in Sirius more intensely than ever, yet Alice was thrilled with his attempts to be a gentleman. What would she do if he pushed himself on her? Would she throw him off or would she let him take her? And if she let him take her, what would that do to their relationship? He wasn’t sure how much more he could take before he acted.

By the last full day of the holiday, Sirius decided that perhaps the best tactic was to talk--he was sure that’s what Lily would have told him to do. But how to bring up such a subject? They’d only been seeing each other for a few days, yet there was something different about it. It had been nice to go slow, but if Alice truly was the woman for him, then wasn’t it time to take things to the next level?

He didn’t say anything at lunch that day, nor as they left Eyelops or Flourish and Blott’s, and as they sat at Fortescue’s and nibbled on sundaes and on each other’s ears and necks and fingertips...nothing. Sirius didn’t bring it up at all. He despaired slightly.

That night, it was finally time for them to part--he had to return to the Potters’ house and get himself ready for the train tomorrow. Sirius and Alice kissed again, and when she didn’t object to his unbuttoning the top of her robes, he felt an incredible thrill course through his entire body, and as his lips showered her bare shoulders with light kisses, Alice still didn’t object. And when she moved his hand to her breasts, Sirius hardly knew what to do.

“Alice,” he whispered.

“Yes. Now.”

And so they did.


	41. Alice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Sirius had started to have a few second thoughts about things. For weeks now, his conversation had been entirely devoid of politics, Regulus, Severus, and his mother. He only talked about ideas or about art or music or little, trivial things when he was with Alice, and when he was with the Marauders, they mostly told dirty jokes or abused the Slytherins._
> 
> _Why get so involved with politics? Sirius now reasoned. All politics did was to get you worked up, and besides, maybe he could separate himself from all the goings-on in the wizarding world. He and Alice could go off somewhere, get married, set up house and garden and live a quiet life. The more Sirius though about it, the more he liked it. They could grow all their own vegetables, maybe have a few chickens and a little cow for milk. And they could have children...maybe._

Alice. Nothing but Alice. Morning spent gazing into her eyes. Afternoons dreaming about her hair. Evenings pressed against the warmth of her body, letting her slender fingers send him into torrents of wild pleasure. Nothing else mattered. Sirius’ entire mind became focused on pouring all his affection and attention and ardour into her, showering her with gifts and soft words and gentle kisses.

Even the news that Severus Snape had suffered a nervous collapse didn’t phase Sirius in the slightest.

“I’m scared for him,” Lily said one morning at the Gryffindor table. Sirius only shrugged.

“Probably collapsed from hanging around Death Eaters too much,” James noted. 

No response from Sirius. Instead, he kissed Alice on the cheek and finished his breakfast. James frowned at him, but said nothing...for now.

Later on, though, after a few more days of this, James had enough. This new, disconnected Sirius was someone he didn’t know and didn’t want to know, so he cornered Sirius after lessons and quickly steered him towards Flitwick’s classroom, by now empty.

“What’s going on, Prongs?” Sirius asked hotly. “Who do you think you are, dragging me in here like that? I know you’re Head Boy and all…”

“Just shut up, Padfoot!” James replied harshly, pushing Sirius onto the cushions by the window.

“What the hell?”

“I said, shut up!”

“What is wrong with you, mate? Is this about your mum?”

“It’s about you, you prat!”

“Me?” Sirius shot back. “What did I do?”

“Are you shagging Alice?” James demanded.

Sirius’ jaw fell open in shock. “What?” he bellowed. “Who do you think you are, asking me that?”

“I’m your FRIEND, you idiot, in case you’ve forgotten! Are you shagging her?”

“You sonofabitch…” Sirius seethed.

“Just tell me! Are you?”

Sirius relented. The last thing he wanted or needed at this point was an argument over something like this. He bit his lip. “Look, mate, it’s not like it was with Cecilia, alright? Alice and I did it once. That’s it! I mean, we mess about and all, but it’s not what you think.”

“You have no idea what I think.”

Sirius threw his arms up in frustration. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this out of you of all people! What exactly do you and Evans get up to when you’re moaning and groaning together every night out of bounds?”

“Not what you’re doing!”

Sirius moved to stand up, but James pushed him back.

“You never did believe I fully changed, did you?” Sirius said accusingly.

“What?” James snapped, taken aback by the accusation. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“You still think I’ve got evil intentions or that I’m up to something! Admit it!”

“That is crap, Sirius, and by the way, considering that you practically threw Snivellus to a werewolf and then beat the living hell out of him and threatened to murder him, maybe I wouldn’t be so wrong!”

“What does that have to do with me having a bonk with Alice?” Sirius roared.

James sighed. He hung his head for a moment. “Look, I’m sorry, mate, alright? You’re right, I’m a jerk. I’m sorry I overreacted. Actually, to be honest, I’m really glad to see you two together. Alice is a great girl. It’s just…”

“What?”

James paced a little, taking a moment to gather his courage. “Look, this is hard to say. Yes, I’m happy for you and Alice, I mean, I think she’s good for you. But...whilst you two are off playing lovey-dovey all the time, it’s just that you’re cutting yourself off from everyone else.”

Sirius glared at him, but quickly, started to laugh. “Are you saying you miss me?” he howled.

“Maybe,” James replied defencively. “I get it. I get why you’re doing this.”

“What am I doing?” Sirius asked. “I don’t understand! This is a new relationship so excuse me if I’m spending a lot of time with my girlfriend! You know how it goes when relationships are just starting out, I mean, you sort of paw at each other relentlessly until you get all that…lust out of your system. You were the same way with Lily, if you remember, Jimmy-boy!”

James chuckled. “I guess I just don’t want you running off again, you know? You have a habit of doing that.”

Sirius nodded. “I know. Hey, how about if you and Lily double-date with us some time. I hear there’s a silver room underneath the Black Lake! Lucius Malfoy mentioned it once, ages ago, but we never got a chance to investigate.”

“Say,” James replied, “we should add that to the map. We can do that, right?”

“It’s our map. I drew the damn thing.”

James sat next to Sirius, nudging his foot with his own. “Say, you know, we haven’t used it in a while. Maybe you, me, Remus and Peter should run the corridors like we used to, for old time’s sake! After all, this is our last term here.”

“That would be awesome!” Sirius paused. “So you’re okay with me and Alice?”

“She makes you happy?”

“Yeah. For the first time in my life, I think. Honestly, James, I’m so tired of pain and anger and frustration, and when I’m with Alice, all of that just melts away! We talk and discuss and…”

“Snog your lips raw!” James added with a laugh.

Sirius nodded. “Yeah. You know, I’m not used to this. I’m not like the rest of you, James. I wasn’t raised with love. I don’t really know what it is, but I feel like, for the first time in my whole life, that I’m starting to figure that out. I need this right now, so please, don’t take it away from me! I’ve lost too much!”

James rested his head against the cushions and sighed. “I know, mate. I think when it’s true love, there isn’t a rational explanation. You just know.”

“Like us,” Sirius replied. “I mean, obviously not in the same way as me and Alice or you and Lily or anything. But real friends. That’s true love, right?”

“I guess.” James sat up and mussed his hair. “Say, does Alice know you don’t want children?”

Sirius laughed. “Gods, James, give it a rest! Do you really think I’m going to bring that up when we’re just starting out together?”

“Don’t you think she has a right to know?”

“If we decide to get married or live together, then yeah, of course!”

James smirked. “You might change your mind, you know. You might get so sappy with love for her that you’ll want her to have ten children with you.”

“Ten? You’re crazy!”

“How about eleven?”

Sirius smacked James with a cushion.

* * * *

Mindful of his friends’ concerns, Sirius made a point of involving himself more in their conversations--he also made a point of studying more, especially with exams fast approaching. Sirius had allowed himself to become so entirely absorbed in his passion for Alice that he had forgotten to study, to do his homework, and to revise for exams. From time to time they had even neglected to attend lessons, which landed the lovers in detention more than once.

One night in the common room, Alice flopped down next to Sirius, on the sofa by the hearth. He stroked her hair with his fingers.

“Daddy’s mad at me,” she confessed.

“Why?” Sirius asked. They leaned their heads together.

“Bad marks. Got my first D last week. That’s why he sent me a Howler.”

Sirius cringed. “Hey, I’m sorry, hon. It’s my fault, isn’t it?”

“It’s both of us, I think,” she said, smirking. “You’re like a drug, Sirius. I can’t get enough of you.” She kissed his lips and snuggled next to him, letting him wrap his arms around her.

“You’ve made me really happy, Alice,” he said in her ear. “I want this to continue, beyond Hogwarts. Is that…”

An overjoyed Alice stopped his mouth with a burning kiss. They remained like that for a little while, just kissing, touching, whispering together.

More bad grades. Another Howler from Mr. Bones, too. In fact, the two of them were called into McGonagall’s office for a long talk. As they came in, hand-in-hand, McGonagall glared at them--Alice quickly let go of Sirius’ hand.

“Sit,” McGonagall said sternly. They sat. “I will come straight to the point. Miss Bones, your father has expressed great concern about you to me. In fact, he fears that you might be with child, and he wishes to remind you that the Auror Office does not employ teenaged mothers.”

“I’m not pregnant, Professor!” Alice insisted. “We only ever did it once, and that was weeks ago!”

“Does your father know that?”

“Goodness no!”

“Well of course, the greater concern for both of you is what you already know, that your grades are deplorable. This is no time for this kind of behaviour, not when you are so close to exams.”

Sirius nodded. “I understand, Professor. We’ll do better.”

“I don’t wish you to study together for a while...until the hormones calm down.” 

“Right, Professor,” Sirius replied. “I’ll work with Remus or Pettigrew. Say, Professor, may I ask about Severus Snape?”

“What do you want to know about Severus?”

“I heard he collapsed a while back. Is he alright?”

“He’s fine. Thank you for asking.”

“Professor, is there any way of keeping him from following in my brother’s footsteps?”

McGonagall raised a curious eyebrow at him. “You wish to save Severus Snape?”

“I don’t want anyone becoming a Death Eater! I might start respecting him again if he resisted!”

“Well don’t count on that, though you never know. Mr. Snape is fiercely independent, and if he doesn’t wish to join them, then there will be no persuading him.”

Sirius thought for a moment. “Say, do you suppose that restraining order could be lifted? Maybe I could talk to him.”

She frowned. “That is not for me to decide. I can take it up with Professor Dumbledore, however I’m not so sure he’ll agree.”

* * * *

They waved to each other from across the common room, but they also remained true to their promise to Professor McGonagall. Alice’s grades picked up more quickly than Sirius’ possibly because she worked with Lily and James, whist Sirius worked with Pettigrew and Remus. Unfortunately, Remus’ condition had weakened him significantly since the Christmas holiday, and more often than not, he went to bed early and rose late.

Sirius hadn’t quite gotten over his doubts about Peter Pettigrew. True, he had proven himself to be kind, caring, attentive and loyal to his friends--Sirius loved that about Pettigrew, that in his own, artless way, Pettigrew had become a true friend. Sirius wanted to feel that same filial love for Pettigrew that he felt for James, but it wasn’t so simple on some days.

It was that kiss from Lucius that messed him up.

Pettigrew had made it clear ages ago that he was no longer in contact with Lucius and that he had no more interest in the Dark Lord’s ideas. Then again, if Lucius could stalk Sirius, back him into a corner and attempt to make love to him in order to bring him back to the Dark Lord’s side, then why not Pettigrew? Yet Pettigrew showed no sign whatsoever that anything like that had taken place. Besides, both James and Remus had nothing but wonderful, glowing things to say about Pettigrew, and in truth, Sirius couldn’t prove them wrong. Pettigrew helped James over the holiday, and he often showed extra attentions to Remus, especially on days when his condition had affected his health. All Sirius could do was hope.

By the time May came around, Sirius’ grades were back to where they had been before, and Alice’s grades were even better than they had ever been. They did still steal away for a private snog, but these days, they kept it to a minimum, both keenly aware that their futures awaited them.

To that end, Sirius had started to have a few second thoughts about things. For weeks now, his conversation had been entirely devoid of politics, Regulus, Severus, and his mother. He only talked about ideas or about art or music or little, trivial things when he was with Alice, and when he was with the Marauders, they mostly told dirty jokes or abused the Slytherins.

Why get so involved with politics? Sirius now reasoned. All politics did was to get you worked up, and besides, maybe he could separate himself from all the goings-on in the wizarding world. He and Alice could go off somewhere, get married, set up house and garden and live a quiet life. The more Sirius though about it, the more he liked it. They could grow all their own vegetables, maybe have a few chickens and a little cow for milk. And they could have children...maybe. Maybe one. Or two. Or however many the gods wished on them. That would be nice.

Alice’s reaction to his proposal confused him. They sat under the stars one calm spring night, listening to the lapping lake and the rustling leaves in the tall trees.

“You’re joking, right?” she asked, a little dumbfounded by his enthusiasm.

“I’m serious! Can you imagine it? Just us. Wouldn't that be amazing?”

“I’m not really a country girl,” she said dismissively.

“We can learn. And we’ll ride all over the countryside on the motorbike! No Death Eaters, no Dark Lord, no trouble. Just peace. Just us.”

“One day maybe,” she mused.

“Why not now? That is, this summer?”

“Sirius, we’re at war.”

“We don’t have to be involved. I got away from the dark side of the war already!”

Alice frowned. “Sirius, I love you and I want to be with you, but I also have a career to think about.”

“I’ll take care of you, Alice,” Sirius insisted.

“I don’t get it! You always said you’d join the Order and fight the Death Eaters! What’s going on?” She stroked his arm and ran her fingers through his hair.

“Maybe I’m tired,” Sirius replied. “Alice, you’ve really changed me. Before it was all about strife and anger and...you’ve given me peace and gentleness and...that’s what I want!”

“So do I, baby,” she retorted. “But first things first, Sirius! The sooner we get rid of You-Know-Who, the sooner we can live out that pastoral fantasy. It sounds wonderful, but it needs to wait.”

“What if I can’t wait?”

Alice’s face fell. She kissed him deeply, but then she stood up. “Enjoy the night air,” she said. Without another word, she walked away.

The next morning, Sirius was still downcast. He ached to talk to Alice again, but he wondered what to say. Before he could approach her, however, a tearstained Alice rushed into his arms, covering him with kisses. Just as quickly, she pulled herself away and rushed out of the common room, leaving Sirius stunned and troubled and worried. Did he blow it? Did he go too far? Was he putting too much pressure on her all at once? He determined not to let that happen and so, he rushed out of the common room, intent on finding her and talking to her again. All he wanted was to clear the air and restore what they had.

Happily, Alice was at the Gryffindor table with Lily and James, tucking into their scrambled eggs and bangers. Sirius joined them, reaching for toast and jam. James elbowed Lily.

“Stay,” Sirius said, sensing their desire to give him and Alice privacy. “This is about all of us.”

“What’s on your mind, Padfoot?” James asked.

“I don’t think I know how to be happy,” Sirius confessed.

“Don’t be silly,” Alice said.

“No, it’s true. I’m like a five year-old. I get this little taste of joy and it’s all I want, all the time, forever. That’s not normal.”

“You just have to let other people in, Sirius,” Lily pointed out.

“I know. All I know is people taking things from me, I mean…” He stopped, bracing himself against his rising sorrow. “I don’t think I really recovered from what my family did to Cecilia.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to me, baby,” Alice said. “I can take care of myself.”

“Exactly,” Lily added. “She’s one tough chick!” James snorted.

Sirius sniffled. “I know that. That’s not what I mean. I guess I’m just...afraid that if I don’t cling for life to what I love, someone will take it.”

“That’s why you need to let others in,” Lily responded. “If we all cling together, we can all survive, right?”

Sirius nodded. Suddenly, he smirked. “So can we still take the motorbike on the road sometimes?”

“I’ll Crucio you if we don’t,” Alice laughed.

“You couldn’t Crucio anyone, babe,” Sirius replied, kissing her on the nose. “You don’t have it in you. You have to know hatred, for real. Now as for me…”

James grinned and laughed. “So does this mean you’re back? Order of the Phoenix?”

Sirius kicked him under the table. “One hundred percent.”


	42. The Order of the Phoenix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _While James, Remus and the others went out on actual missions, Sirius remained at Headquarters, answering questions, drafting documents and developing strategies for everyone else. As much as Kingsley assured Sirius that his contribution was invaluable, Sirius couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of the others. He wanted to go out there with Aurors like the fierce Frank Longbottom or even crazy Alestor Moody and take down a Death Eater or two. In his darker moments, Sirius imagined himself face to face with Bella--first, he’d Crucio her as brutally as she had done to him, more so perhaps, and then, just as she couldn’t take any more, he finish her off with the killing curse._

The Order would have to wait...three weeks anyway. Sirius and Alice made the decision that before they started their lives as fully qualified adults, they wanted to travel a bit, see something outside England for a change. With some help from James and Lily, Sirius worked out a spell to charm the motorbike to fly--Alice wanted to install an invisibility booster, but Sirius hedged at that for some reason. After a brief argument, he installed the invisibility booster.

Together, Sirius and Alice traveled first to Spain, where they rode the motorbike all over the countryside, both on the ground and in the air. They stopped at little muggle inns for the night, drank wine, ate sumptuous food, basked in each other’s presence. The concierge, a plump muggle called Alicia, spoke a little English. They all found it amusing that she and Alice shared the same name--Alicia’s tabby cat took an instant liking to Sirius, which he found amusing. If that cat only knew…

After six days in Spain, Sirius and Alice apparated to Morocco, where they explored Moorish culture, ate even more sumptuous food and rode the motorbike through the vast Moroccan countryside. They stopped at Casablanca, and at Fez, they befriended an extremely elderly wizard, Hisham, who had been acquainted with Alice’s grandfather years ago at Hogwarts. 

Their next stop was China, however, they found it impossible to ride anywhere in the countryside--the muggle government wouldn't allow these two Westerners to go anywhere unescorted, and so, after only a day, they decided to leave, making their way to India, where they found a happier welcome. They visited several country villages, again on the motorbike, and in one village, Sirius ended up giving free rides to small children--he’d pack three or four of them into the sidecar, and put two on the seat behind him, and off they’d go, wild as the wind.

By the time they returned to London towards the end of July, they were greeted at the Leaky Cauldron by a grinning James and Lily.

“Hey you two!” Lily said happily. “You look great!” She fluttered her fingers for some reason.

Alice gave James a big hug first, then Lily, but as Lily pulled away, Alice looked down at her hands. She gasped. “Oh my gods! Lily!”

Confused for a moment, Sirius finally saw. Lily sported a glittering diamond ring on her left hand. James blushed, but puffed out his chest proudly. Sirius laughed and tackled him.

“You crazy kids! Congratulations!” Sirius crowed. “When did all this happen?”

“While you two were off on your romantic adventures all over the world,” Lily replied tartly.

“So have you set a date?” Alice asked eagerly.

“Valentine’s Day next year,” Lily replied.

Sirius smirked. “Honestly, Prongs,” he quipped. “I didn’t know you had it in you.”

“Shut up, Padfoot.”

* * * *

In the meantime, there was much work to do. At the start of August, Alice entered the Ministry of Magic, starting her training as an Auror. She was nervous about it on some level, but she was eager to get everything going. Sirius couldn’t have been prouder of her, though he had his own work to do as the newest member of the Order of the Phoenix. Along with James, Lily, Remus and Pettigrew, Sirius began this important work with great enthusiasm and focus.

They met in London, in the house of a sympathiser to the cause, though not an actual member of the Order. It was a big old place, not that far from Grimmauld Place as it turned out, though far enough to be safe. Naturally, the house was protected by many charms and enchantments, including the Fidelius Charm. The famous Alestor Moody, along with Kingsley Shaklebolt, both Aurors, made sure the house was also unplottable.

Sirius felt uneasy at first, being surrounded by so many Aurors. These were the people who worked to kill his parents, his brother and all his family’s closest friends and allies. Sirius remembered the particularly hateful things his mother would say about Shaklebolt and Moody--it was a struggle to put those things out of his mind, though he knew he had to in order to work with these men. He couldn’t help but feel incredibly conspicuous and even a little in danger. Moody looked at Sirius always with a flash of anger, as if he wanted to arrest him on the spot. Sirius wasn’t sure what to say to him. Apparently there had been some dispute about allowing Sirius into the order at all, something he discovered at his very first meeting at the house.

“Guys,” James announced proudly, “this is Sirius Black! Now come on, don’t worry! He only bites when he’s in heat!”

Everyone laughed, but Sirius blanched. He hoped James wouldn’t reveal his Animagus form to anyone.

“So,” Moody said in a low growl, strutting over to him, “the son of the devil has arrived.” He looked over Sirius like a peasant inspecting a donkey. Sirius couldn’t help but feel a bit naked, especially under the glare of Moody’s strange glass eye.

A redheaded man stood up and gamboled over to greet him cheerfully. “Arthur Weasley, Sirius. I’m married to your cousin, Molly.”

“Yes of course! It’s nice to finally meet you, Arthur!” Sirius replied, pumping Arthur’s hand. “Where is Molly?”

“Home with our boys. We recently had twins, you know, and they’re a handful.”

“How many kids do you have, Arthur?” Sirius asked, fascinated. It felt good to make a family connection on this side of the battle.

“Five. All boys. Our two eldest, Bill and Charlie, keep Molly running, and the twins are just walking now, so she’s really busy with all that. Thankfully, our middle boy, Percy, is calm and studious!”

“I guess that’s one less problem to worry about. Are you with the Order full time?”

“I work at the Ministry, actually. Muggle Artifacts department. Fascinating stuff.”

James poked Arthur in the ribs. “Yeah, and you keep rescuing Mad Eye, too, right?”

Kingsley, a tall, elegantly attired black man, called the meeting to order--along with everyone else, Sirius sat, waiting eagerly for all the action to begin.

“First of all,” Kingsley started, “I wish to welcome our newest members. James Potter, whom most of us have known for years, Lily Evans, who is a true potions master, Remus Lupin, who is incredibly resourceful, Peter Pettigrew, who has proven himself to be a loyal assistant, and finally, Sirius Black, who will be able to offer us insight and key information into You-Know-Who’s organisation. Welcome all.”

Everyone applauded.

“Some of you have expressed concern over the presence of Mr. Black, and for good reason,” Kingsley went on, putting a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Sirius, I hate to put you on the spot on your first day, but we must know for certain of your intentions.”

“Exactly,” Moody echoed gruffly. “What do you have to say for yourself, boy?”

Sirius stood, unsure of what to say. “All I can do is to prove myself to you by my actions. As Mr. Shaklebolt indicated, I have a very wide knowledge of the Dark Lord...that is, You-Know-Who, and as I grew up around Death Eaters all my life, I know that you will be able to use the information I provide.”

“But how can we be sure you’re not giving us false information?” Moody asked skeptically.

“I broke with my family and with the...with You-Know-Who the summer after my Fifth Year. Before then, my mother had done some pretty horrible things to me, including having me Crucioed by my cousin Bella. They also had my girlfriend at the time murdered. No longer could I hold with their views, and ever since then, I’ve become a very different person. James and Remus and Peter can attest to that, as can Lily. They saw me through all that, and they more than anyone know that I’m sincere. Plus, my current girlfriend is training to be an Auror, and I’m all for it.”

Kingsley nodded approvingly. “I believe you, Sirius, however, you do understand that some people, including some in the Order, might have their doubts.”

“I understand, sir. I guess you don’t grow up with a family like mine and expect everyone to believe me on the spot.” Sirius turned to the rest of the assembled group. “All I can hope is that you will soon see by what I do that I am sincere. I will not betray you whatsoever. I swear it.”

They trusted him...to a point. Kingsley knew, however, that giving sensitive jobs to someone raised by Walburga and Orion Black was a bad idea, for many reasons. One of his fears was that Sirius could be captured by Death Eaters and, as a relative, be unable to resist handing over crucial information. The arrangement didn’t thrill Sirius, but he understood. Sort of.

But sort of not. Then again, he found that he couldn’t fault the Order for wanting to be a little cautious around him. Sirius had to admit that he did have a rather notorious reputation, and not just for being a Black. There had been the public beating of Severus Snape, and of course, the attack on Severus after OWL exams, though that was mostly James’ doing. Plus, stories of sexual escapades with the promiscuous daughter of a Death Eager ran fast and wild around Hogwarts, as did rumours about why Cecilia really got murdered. Few students had such a sullied reputation as that, giving Sirius pause.

Working for the Order felt good, but it was different from school. As turbulent as his years had been whilst at Hogwarts, there was a certain stability that gave Sirius comfort and assurance. As an adult, out there in the big bad world on his own scared him more than a little. All the new Order members were feeling just the same, which Sirius appreciated. He was less alone if James was as nervous and unsure of himself as he was.

Mainly, his task these days was as a consultant. While James, Remus and the others went out on actual missions, Sirius remained at Headquarters, answering questions, drafting documents and developing strategies for everyone else. As much as Kingsley assured Sirius that his contribution was invaluable, Sirius couldn’t help but feel a little jealous of the others. He wanted to go out there with Aurors like the fierce Frank Longbottom or even crazy Alestor Moody and take down a Death Eater or two. In his darker moments, Sirius imagined himself face to face with Bella--first, he’d Crucio her as brutally as she had done to him, more so perhaps, and then, just as she couldn’t take any more, he finish her off with the killing curse.

That felt good.

Instead, Sirius attended meetings and conferences of all sorts, and though he worked at every level of the Order, it just wasn’t the same. Thank goodness for Alice. As deep as she was in her Auror training, she hadn’t lost her ardour for Sirius, nor he for her. At the urging of Mr. Bones, Sirius moved into Alice’s home, though he was given a separate bedroom. Sirius missed living with James, but, as James reminded him, they weren’t kids any more.

Mrs. Potter’s health took a turn for the worse, and as October neared, James was called home. When nobody heard from him for days, Sirius worried. He had a terrible feeling, which was confirmed one morning by a tear-stained Lily.

“She’s gone,” Lily mourned.

“Damn,” Sirius muttered. “How’s James?”

“Upset, naturally. He’s okay, though. I think this was a bit of a relief, to be honest. She’s been so fragile for such a long time and it’s been very upsetting for James.”

Sirius nodded. “And now she’s reunited with Mr. Potter.”

“Yeah.”

To Sirius’ consternation and fury, he was not permitted to attend Mrs. Potter’s funeral, by order of Kingsley Shaklebolt and Albus Dumbledore.

“I shall attend in your place, Sirius,” Dumbledore explained.

“This isn’t fair! James is my closest friend! Mrs. Potter was like a second mother to me!”

“I understand, but you have work to do here.”

“But can’t I break away for a couple of damn hours? What’s the big problem?”

Dumbledore frowned briefly. “In two days time we are launching a major offencive against the Death Eaters. Your role is too important for you to be away even for a couple of hours.” He put his hands on Sirius’ sagging shoulders. “James will understand. He was supposed to be a part of this, too, so he knows.”

“I really hate the Dark Lord,” Sirius spat.

* * * *

Time passed hideously slowly over the next two days. All Sirius could think about most of the time was how James was doing. He felt bad about Mrs. Potter’s death--she had been a real mother to him, and not just because she baked him cookies and washed his socks for him. Mrs. Potter had been generous with her time, her energies, her patience. She listened to him, laughed at his stupid jokes, put up with a second son she had never expected to take up so much space in her home. What Sirius loved most about Mrs. Potter was that she never made him feel like a visitor or a guest. From the moment he entered the house, Sirius was home, and much of that was due to Mrs. Potter’s kindness and tender attentions.

The morning of the offencive, Sirius woke up with a headache. He knew this would be a dark day, that some of his mother’s closest friends and acquaintances might be killed by Aurors. Nauseating guilt flooded his system just then as he still lay in bed, making him grip his stomach and grunt lightly. 

Sirius turned on his side, but the pain persisted. So much of what would happen today was because of him, his information, his detailed description of the Order’s targets. One of those targets was Lucius Malfoy, and another was Severus Snape.

“When did he become a Death Eater?” Sirius asked, aghast.

“July,” Shaklebolt replied. “At your family estate in Kent, actually. I guess your brother didn’t tell you.”

“I haven’t heard from Regulus in ages! I sort of washed my hands of him after he entered the organisation. Gods! Poor, stupid Snivellus!”

Shaklebolt scowled. “Well don’t grieve too much over him any more. He’s become a master executioner and damned good fighter. I wish he were on our side, to tell the truth.”

“Like that would ever happen,” Sirius groused. But then he thought of something. “Say, why didn’t you tell me before of his involvement? Why this last minute information?”

“We only found out a few hours ago. Malfoy, Snape, and a team of eleven others will be dispatched to eliminate an entire muggle village not far from Hogwarts. Our plan is to stop them…”

“And kill them?” Sirius asked.

“And arrest them. I don’t want anyone getting killed if we can avoid it. Your information on all of them should help to save a lot of lives today.”

“Can I go with you all?”

“Bad idea. I don’t want you anywhere near Lucius Malfoy. Word is he’s particularly focused on getting to you, by order of You-Know-Who.”

“Will I be able to go on any offencives at all?”

“In time, yes. But for now, your most crucial contribution is information, just as you’ve been giving us all along. You are doing a great service, Sirius,” Shaklebolt said, almost paternally. “Don’t think you’re not simply because you’re not in the field just yet. That will happen soon, though.”

Sirius paused. He knew what he wanted to say but he dared not. “Kingsley,” he started slowly. “Don’t kill Severus.”

“I hope I won’t have to.”

The rest of the day felt like a dream to Sirius. In one way, the team seemed so casual, as if they were simply going out to run errands and go shopping. They ate a simple lunch of sandwiches and crisps, wrote a few letters, even played at wizard chess for a short while, and it was only when the clock struck six that they rose as one to start their mission. Shaklebolt, Moody, Frank Longbottom and his wife, Alice, Edgar Bones, Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas Meadows and Fabian Prewett moved in a line towards the back door, entirely focused on what they would have to do in the next few hours.

Sirius and Pettigrew watched them go, without a word. In truth, Pettigrew looked more than a little concerned, paler than usual, as if he somehow expected things to go terribly wrong. He almost looked guilty, as if he held onto some secret knowledge of disaster and ruin. Sirius clapped him on the back.

“They’re good, mate,” he said lightly. “They’ll be back.”

Pettigrew nodded. He gulped.


	43. Nero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _What could Sirius do? There he sat at Lucius’ feet, listening, ready to report, ready to give names and locations and details, yet unable to leave. Anger and grief surged from within, yet all Sirius could do was to suppress it, not even allowing himself to bark in protest. They would leave and dozens of muggles would soon be dead and once again, Sirius would take the blame. He could picture Moody’s pinched, jagged face staring him down, accusing him of collusion and treachery, and once again, Sirius’ only excuse would be insufficient to exonerate him entirely._

“DAMMIT!” a voice boomed in the dark corridor.

Sirius jumped out of his seat in the library, tossed down his book on charmed jewels and dashed out to see what was going on. Noises of banging and slamming met his ears, and it was only when Sirius, Pettigrew and a smattering of others reached the kitchen that they realised what had happened.

A bloodied Kingsley Shaklebolt sat at the table, being treated by a shaking Emmeline Vance. An equally battered Alestor Moody fumed and paced and knocked a tin pot off the cooker with a closed fist.

“What the bloody hell happened?” Sirius blurted out.

“They knew we were coming, that’s what happened, boy,” Moody growled. He glared at Sirius, who could only look back with shock and dismay. “How did they know?”

“I have no idea,” Sirius replied.

“That’s not good enough!” Moody snapped. For a moment, Sirius thought the man might just lunge at him, but thankfully, Moody stayed put.

“Who...did someone get killed?” Sirius stammered. His hands shook and his mind raced frantically. Who could have tipped them off? Or were they just lucky? 

“No, but as you can see, Kingsley nearly got his head blown off! Dorcas had to be rushed to St. Mungo’s.”

A chalk-white Alice Longbottom finally spoke up. Sirius hadn’t noticed her at first. She sat in the dark shadows near the window, just staring blankly, as if to try and wipe away some horrible memory.

“They arrived five minutes after we did, firing at us straightaway,” she started. “They waited for us and then they ambushed us.”

“Gods!” Sirius sighed. “So then what?”

“All we could do was fire back,” she continued. “We managed to kill one of theirs…”

“Who?” Sirius asked, cutting across her.

“Jezebel Lestrange,” Shaklebolt replied. “Your cousin’s sister-in-law.”

Sirius remembered Jezebel well. Very tall, very plain, Jezebel distinguished herself in the Lestrange family by her sheer brutality. Growing up with two brothers hadn’t been easy for her, and the experience had transformed her into a hard-nosed, no-nonsense witch as an adult. Sirius couldn’t help but feel a twinge of regret for her death.

“Getting back to our original question, Black,” Moody interrupted. “How did they know we were coming? How did they have the ability to wait for us and ambush us like that? That’s what I want to know.”

“Honestly, Alestor, I have no idea!” Sirius shot back angrily, unwilling to let the man get away with the usual accusations. “But I’ll tell you one thing. It wasn’t me, and if you want to interrogate me more, feel free to use Veritaserum on me!”

“I’d like to use a little more than that,” Moody grumbled.

“That’s enough, Mad-Eye,” Shaklebolt snapped.

Sirius sat down at the table, opposite him. “Look, I already told you, you never know with these people. They plot one thing but there’s always a secondary plan with it, just in case you lot show up to arrest them. I thought I made that clear before! They don’t trust anyone, not even each other, so it makes sense that they would take the offencive.”

Shaklebolt nodded. “Perhaps you’re right, Sirius.”

“Not perhaps,” Sirius shot back. “I’m definitely right. Look, I feel terrible that it went so badly, but you can’t blame me!”

Moody scowled. “Oh, I don’t know about that.”

“Mad-Eye!” Shaklebolt shouted. “I said, ENOUGH!”

Unphased, Moody rounded on him. “And when the next offencive goes wrong, and Black here says I told you so, then what? How many missions are we going to lose…”

Outraged and insulted, Sirius marched right over to Moody, pointing right in his freaky glass eye. “Why don’t you just go ahead and say it, then, Moody!” Sirius seethed. “Stop beating about the proverbial privet and speak your mind! You think I’m a plant, don’t you!”

“I don’t believe that, Sirius,” Emmeline said.

“Nor do I,” Shaklebolt echoed.

Moody scoffed at that. “Right, so you’ve bought into this little story of his remorse and his change of heart? I thought better of you both.”

“You have no idea what I think, you prat!” Sirius shot back fiercely.

“Sirius!” Shaklebolt warned.

“Who do you think you are, BOY, calling me a prat?” Moody fired back.

Sirius snarled at him. “I’ll say that and worse to anyone who insults my character!” he bellowed, now nose to nose with Moody. “I don’t care who you are, SIR! You’re as foul and base and judgemental as my mother!”

For one terrible moment, Sirius feared that Moody might haul off and punch him in the face. So when Moody cracked a wide grin, Sirius didn’t know what to do.

“The boy’s got a mouth on him, don’t he, Shaklebolt?” Moody croaked.

Shaklebolt chuckled. “And he’s not afraid of you, either, Mad-Eye, so you’d better watch yourself around him.”

Moody stepped back and held out a hand. “Sirius, I want to apologise to you,” he said, shaking a still flummoxed Sirius’ hand.

“Because I told you off?”

“Yes.”

“Oh! Well...great!”

* * * *

Sirius loved being involved with the Order, even if he didn’t get to go out on a lot of offencives. He did get to do a bit of spying, however, which he found extremely exciting, though only Dumbledore knew how he was gathering so much information. In his Animagus form, Sirius was able to become the family pet of Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy. It was easy--all he did was to walk onto their property, as if he were some stray dog sniffing around for squirrels. Narcissa spotted him first, named him Nero, and took him in.

Lucius resented the new dog at first, not wanting the mess, yet after a few days, he’d take Sirius...that is, Nero out on the sprawling grounds of Malfoy Manor, going on long walks or runs. It was a side of Lucius Sirius had never seen before, confusing him further. On his own, Lucius was...interesting. He loved the outdoors and he loved physical activity even more. So often he’d take a wooden stick and toss it about, letting Nero chase it down and bring it back to his very grateful master. Lucius ran his hands over Nero’s head and back and body--Sirius was amazed at Lucius’ surprisingly gentle touch.

Inside Malfoy Manor, however, a very different Lucius took over, that is, the one that Sirius was used to. Teams of Death Eaters met there almost daily, arming Sirius with tons of damaging information that he would return to the Order as often as he could. That ability to come and go in the dark of night became increasingly difficult, however, as Lucius grew more and more attached to his dog, not wanting to be parted from him even at night. He had made a little doggie bed at the foot of his and Narcissa’s bed--it took everything Sirius had in him not to become ill as he had to endure the endless noises of Lucius and Narcissa going at it every single night.

And one night, to Sirius’ horror, Lucius brought someone new to his bed...Regulus.

For hours they went at it, again and again, their groans and cries and panting nearly sending Sirius into madness, yet to transform back to his wizard self would spell disaster for more than just himself. As much as he wanted to rip Lucius off of Regulus and pound him into dust, he resisted. And when Regulus and Lucius had tired themselves, a naked Regulus would reach down and scratch the top of Sirius’ head.

“Good boy, Nero,” Regulus whispered. Sirius licked his hand and nibbled his finger, making Regulus laugh.

“Come back to bed, babe,” Lucius groaned.

“Where’s the wife?” Regulus asked.

“Home for a little visit. It’s just us for days.” Lucius stretched out next to Regulus and ran his fingers through his hair. “Gods, you’re beautiful,” he whispered in Regulus’ ear.

“I love you,” Regulus whispered back. He kissed Lucius deeply, wildly, and soon, they were at it again.

It was too much for Sirius. He got up and padded to the door, jumping up to scratch at it, indicating that he needed to get out. After a couple of minutes of this, an annoyed Lucius got up and opened the door, first stroking Sirius’ back and scratching behind his ears.

“I love that dog,” Regulus said, lounging back on the pillows, hands behind his head. “Where did you get him?”

“Narcissa found him, actually,” Lucius replied, now scratching Sirius’ belly.

“You should take him out on a kill sometime,” Regulus suggested with a laugh. “Can you imagine how that would terrify the muggles, to see a huge black dog like Nero coming after them?”

Lucius smirked and rolled his eyes. “Somehow I think the Dark Lord might not like that idea. Too risky.”

Regulus, draped only in a silk bathrobe, flopped down next to Lucius and Sirius on the Persian rug near the door. The closer he came, the more Sirius felt desperate to leave the room, but for the moment, all he could do was wait. He licked the side of Regulus’ face, making Regulus laugh.

“Hey, that’s my job!” Lucius laughed. “Out, you!” Finally, he opened the door wide, letting Sirius out.

Overcome with a mixture of relief and dread, Sirius made his way down the marble steps to the ground floor, eager to find an open door so he could transform and disapparate to London. In the black of night, however, this was impossible. Even the kitchen door was shut tight, with Dobby, the House Elf sleeping soundly nearby.

Sirius could still hear Regulus crying out in ecstasy. He shuddered. Suddenly, he had an idea. After all, when the dog has to go…

He woofed lightly into Dobby’s ear, then nudged him with his nose. Dobby jumped up, startled at being awakened like that. Sirius scratched at the door and whimpered, hoping the Elf would get the idea. Thankfully, Dobby did.

“Out you go, Nero,” Dobby said cheerfully. “We doesn’t want a doggy mess in here!”

* * * *

“I can’t go back,” Sirius told a very huffy Kingsley Shaklebolt.

“You must! We can’t survive without your information!”

“How can I go back there when I have to listen to Lucius Malfoy have his way with my own brother? I can’t take it!”

“Holy crap,” Remus muttered.

“Where’s Narcissa?” Lily asked, equally horrified.

“With her mother for a few days. Lucius and Regulus have been screwing nonstop all day and all night! It’s too much!”

Dumbledore nodded. “I think we can come to a solution, Sirius. After all, dogs do run away or get lost sometimes, correct?”

Sirius felt terribly guilty just then. “I did it again, didn’t I? Ran off?”

“I don’t blame you, mate,” James said, ignoring a glare from Moody. “There are just some things I don’t want to know about my relatives, you know?”

“Is this the first time you’ve been around Regulus since you went undercover?” Frank Longbottom asked.

“Yeah. There have been tons of other Death Eaters, but no Regulus and no Severus.”

“No Severus?” Dumbledore asked.

“Not for a couple of months,” Sirius replied. “I don’t know where he is, but no one else does, either.”

“Have you seen You-Know-Who at all?” Shaklebolt asked.

“Not at all. He’d know, wouldn’t he?” Sirius asked. “That I’m an Animagus and not a dog?”

Dumbledore scowled. “I hadn’t considered that. Still, you must return for now, Sirius. I’m sorry, but you’re just going to have to be very strong and not pummel Lucius Malfoy into oblivion. Narcissa will be home soon, so his activities with Regulus will cease.”

“For now,” Sirius said sourly. “But if Severus does show up at Malfoy Manor, what do I do? He can’t see me! He’ll recognise me right off!”

“Be sure to stay away from those meetings if he is there,” Moody replied.

“But Lucius always wants me around!” Sirius reminded him.

“Bite his hand,” Remus suggested. “He’ll want you to stay away if you do that.”

“He’ll just kill me,” Sirius replied. “He can always get another dog.”

“Exactly,” Shaklebolt agreed. “But Sirius, does Regulus know you’re an Animagus?”

“He knows, but he’s never seen my Animagus form. He doesn’t know what I look like and even if he did know, it wouldn’t matter. Regulus isn’t that observant.”

“But Severus is,” Dumbledore reminded them. “He is not one to forget a single detail, which makes it all the more crucial for you to use your wits to stay away from him.”

Sirius scowled. “I’ll just have to keep my dog ears open for when Sev might actually arrive. If ever, that is. I mean, we all know these aren’t the only Death Eater meetings going on, and plus, Sev might just be busy killing people right and left.”

Lily’s face fell. James put a protective arm around her and kissed her on the cheek.

“Poor Severus,” she lamented.

* * * *

Only a few hours later, Sirius returned to Malfoy Manor, making sure to take his Animagus form the moment he apparated in a distant thicket of shrubbery. He barked and barked and chased a squirrel for a few happy minutes before he had to face the unhappy reality of returning to Lucius. But return he did, unsure how Lucius would react. Sirius fully expected Lucius to punish his bad dog severely, so when he caught sight of him running towards him smiling and laughing, Sirius couldn’t believe it. He barked and ran to Lucius, hoping he would vomit all over his master.

Lucius fell to his knees, hands on hips, giving Sirius a deep frown. “Bad Nero!” he scolded. “Don’t ever run off like that again!”

Sirius knew he had to play this carefully and so, with a fair amount of trepidation and a great amount of resentment, he licked Lucius’ nose and face--Lucius threw his arms around the dog and wrestled him playfully for a few minutes. To his shame, Sirius found that he actually had fun, though when he got Lucius’ hand between his jaws, the temptation to bite down all the way was nearly too much to bear. But he behaved himself like a good dog. For now anyway.

More meetings meant less play. Today it was Bella, Roddy, Rabastan and ten others, all set to plot the destruction of a major bridge in the North. The plot would take place during the evening rush hour, in order to ensure the deaths of as many muggles as possible. Bella and her team would situate themselves around the bridge and, at the appointed time, bombard the bridge until it was nothing more than smoking rubble.

Easy.

“I say we strike tonight,” Bella insisted.

“That’s too soon, Bella,” Lucius pointed out. “You don’t have enough coordination in the plot yet.”

She rolled her eyes impatiently. “What’s to coordinate? We gather, we wait, we fire, we disapparate. How complicated is that?”

“I’m willing to go tonight,” Roddy piped up. A few others agreed.

“It’s nearly rush hour now!” Lucius replied.

“So we leave now!”

Several Death Eaters stood up, wands at the ready. What could Sirius do? There he sat at Lucius’ feet, listening, ready to report, ready to give names and locations and details, yet unable to leave. Anger and grief surged from within, yet all Sirius could do was to suppress it, not even allowing himself to bark in protest. They would leave and dozens of muggles would soon be dead and once again, Sirius would take the blame. He could picture Moody’s pinched, jagged face staring him down, accusing him of collusion and treachery, and once again, Sirius’ only excuse would be insufficient to exonerate him entirely.

He nuzzled Lucius’ ankle for a moment. Lucius reached down and scratched Sirius behind the ears.

“Alright, then, you’d better get going now,” he said.

All Sirius could do was watch them leave. He wanted to cry, but what good would that do? Muggles would die en masse in just a few minutes. More would be injured, and scores of families would be left to wonder why and how and who was responsible. Muggle politicians and engineers and contractors and builders would all take the blame, and Sirius had to let them.

That night, wide awake in his doggie bed in Lucius’ grand bedroom, Sirius thought about his motorbike and Alice and that pastoral fantasy life he’d given up for this. He started to wonder whether he deserved it any more.

The following morning, Narcissa returned, Regulus left and the Malfoys decided to go on a brief holiday to Paris, _sans chien_ thankfully. That meant that Sirius could roam the grounds of Malfoy Manor alone, and especially that he could get back to London and make his report.

When he returned to headquarters, the whole house was in uproar. Sirius half expected all the wrath and animus to be turned on him, yet even Moody didn’t seem interested in throwing about the usual accusations. Instead, after Sirius gave his report of all he heard, everyone sat in grieved silence.

“It must have been awful for you,” Emmeline said to him.

“All I could think of was that there wasn’t a thing I could do to stop it,” Sirius said mournfully.

“You did exactly what you should have done,” Moody growled. “There’s no guilt on your part, Black. You do know that if you had alerted us, you would have been exposed, right?”

Moody had a point, Sirius conceded. Still…

“How many died?” Sirius asked, not sure he wanted to hear the number.

“Forty-seven,” Dumbledore replied. “One hundred and six injured.”

“Gods!” Sirius exclaimed bitterly.

“Alestor is right, Sirius,” Dumbledore replied. “Had we been able to show up and put an end to the attack, they would know immediately that you are an Animagus. I’m afraid your death would be very slow and extremely brutal.”

“I know,” Sirius answered quietly.

“It’s a harsh reality of war that we must allow some to die in order to save even more lives,” Dumbledore pointed out. “I wish it were different. I really do.”

Sirius nodded. “So do I.”


	44. A Modest Proposal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“So, you nervous?” Sirius asked. He knew it was an obvious question, but a necessary one._
> 
> _“Do you think we’re too young?” James wondered. He took a swig from the bottle and passed it back to Sirius._
> 
> _“Lots of wizards get married young.”_
> 
> _“I’m not exactly the most mature person in the world.”_
> 
> _Sirius laughed. “True. But you’re strong. You’re compassionate. You’ve got a good heart. You’ll be a good father.”_
> 
> _“Compassionate? Me?” James scoffed at that. “I used to torment you all the time!”_
> 
> _“Yeah, but you always felt like shit about it later.”_
> 
> _“Not all the time.”_
> 
> _Sirius jabbed him in the ribs with his elbow. “Most of the time.” He drank from the bottle and passed it back. “Lily’s good for you, you know.”_
> 
> _“She’s too good for me.”_
> 
> _“Most women are too good for us men.”_
> 
> _James nodded. “Like Alice. Are you two ever going to get together?”_

Life at Malfoy Manor was almost too good, too comfortable. Lucius never made his dog eat kibble or dog food, but always made sure his Nero had plenty of fine steaks every single day. Narcissa was less than thrilled with him these days, mainly because it seemed as though Lucius gave the dog more attention than his own wife. And when Regulus visited, which was fairly frequently, Narcissa had yet another reason to feel left out in the cold.

Sirius felt bad for his cousin. True, they disagreed on the issue of blood-status, but on the other hand, Narcissa had always been good to Sirius, especially at Hogwarts, but even before that. When he was growing up, Narcissa always made sure that little Sirius had plenty of cookies to eat and that he was comfortable and attended to. In her own way, Narcissa had much love to give, yet it struck Sirius as tragic that she had allowed herself to get caught up in a philosophy that was antithetical to her otherwise kind heart.

These days, Narcissa had grown somewhat cold, snobby and imperious, though Sirius understood why. In fact, he reckoned that he’d likely react the same way if he’d been treated like an outsider by his own spouse. Another reason to hate Lucius Malfoy.

His long sojourn at Malfoy Manor, however, came to a rapid end one blustery January day. Lucius had arranged for a major Death Eater summit to take place over the course of two weeks, and sure enough, that meant the arrival of the Dark Lord himself and Severus Snape. Naturally, Sirius could no longer remain, as much as he wanted to.

“Maybe Pettigrew could go,” Sirius suggested to the Order. He had managed to slip away for a couple of hours, though he knew he hand to return quickly.

Pettigrew blanched at the suggestion. “You’re not serious, are you?”

“There’s a very dark corner in the library,” Sirius explained. “That’s where the meetings will take place. You can get yourself in there and listen away and no one will know you’re there!”

“Won’t You-Know-Who sense his presence?” Shaklebolt asked, concerned.

“Not with so many other wizards in the room,” Sirius reasoned. “And if Peter remains well hidden…”

“But what do I do?” Pettigrew asked, his voice trembling just a bit.

“Listen and remember everything you hear,” Sirius replied cooly. “And when everyone’s off to bed, you can slip out and get straight back here to report everything. Easy.”

“Easy?” Pettigrew exclaimed, horrified. “It doesn’t sound so easy to me!”

“What do you think I’ve been doing these last few months, you prat?” Sirius snapped. “How bloody hard is it to listen and remember something?”

James smirked. “Well we are talking about Wormy here, I mean…” Remus snorted.

Pettigrew opened his mouth to protest, but Dumbledore stopped him. “Actually, I believe it’s an excellent plan. I think you should do it. After all, it’s just for two weeks.”

Sirius grinned. “Think on it, Peter. You’ll be the bravest rat in England! Come on, you’ve been there before!”

“When?” Shaklebolt asked, now frowning.

“When we were kids. Remember that spinning wheel?” Sirius mused.

“What spinning wheel?” Shaklebolt replied.

“Rumplestiltskin’s spinning wheel,” Sirius pronounced, rather more proudly than he intended. “It spins hay into gold!”

“According to whom?” Dumbledore wondered.

Sirius reddened slightly. “Lucius. He showed us way back then. I don’t think he was lying, I mean, he seemed pretty chuffed that they had it.”

“Do you know whether they use it?” Dumbledore asked.

Sirius shrugged. “I have no idea. I suppose, I mean, it’s sort of an endless supply of gold.”

Moody grunted. “Never bothered to mention that before, did you, Black?”

“Haven’t we been through this already?” Sirius shot back, exasperated. 

“Can we get back to Peter infiltrating this summit, please?” Emmeline snapped, cutting across them both. “Peter, you are our best shot at getting crucial information, as Sirius’ position would be far too compromised. Will you please do this for us?”

Pettigrew hesitated, but then, at long last, he sighed resignedly. “Alright. I’ll do it.”

* * * *

The best part about being back from Malfoy Manor, apart from no longer having to endure being petted and stroked by Lucius, was that Sirius finally got a chance to reconnect with Alice, who was still coming along with her Auror training. He hadn’t laid eyes on her beautiful face in weeks, and it was those thoughts which filled Sirius’ mind as he dashed up the front steps of the Bones’ home. Of course, they all knew that he was in deep cover, unable to communicate with anyone outside headquarters for a very long time. They had to know he’d be back.

A stab of fear tore through him as he placed a hand on the doorknob. What if Alice got impatient? What if she fell in love with another Auror? What if her father suddenly changed his opinion of Sirius? 

Alice’s bright smile and open arms at his arrival changed all that, took away every doubt that had oppressed him so cruelly and so suddenly. Sirius gathered her into his arms and held her tight, thrilling at the warmth of her body pressed so close to his. He was sure she could feel his heart pounding with elation.

“I missed you so much,” she cried, kissing his ears, his cheeks, his lips.

“I missed you, too,” he whispered. She felt so good beneath his hands, so entirely fused to him. He never wanted to let go, but of course, the moment Mr. Bones bounded into the foyer, Alice stepped back and let her father give Sirius a very paternal embrace.

“It’s good to have you back, son,” he said kindly. Sirius detected a strain of emotion in his voice, perhaps even a tear or two. “We worried about you every day you were in such danger.”

His words made Sirius pause. It didn’t exactly feel like danger. Mostly it felt uncomfortable, awkward, occasionally entertaining, even fun. Running across the grounds with Lucius chasing after him was extraordinary and thrilling and free. Sirius had never thought of danger during those many games of fetch-and-carry with Lucius. Then again, of course, who was he kidding? There were any number of times when Sirius could have lost focus and transformed back into himself, particularly when Lucius was in the midst of sexual ecstasy with Regulus.

At dinner that night, Sirius hedged at telling them too many details of his time at Malfoy Manor, though nothing was necessarily confidential. It was just...awkward. Besides, most of what he really wanted to talk about he wanted to keep between himself and James. That made Sirius feel somewhat guilty. He knew he should be able to confide anything at all in Alice--after all, she was his girlfriend and he was in love with her, as she was with him. 

That night, Sirius crept into Alice’s room, slipping quietly into her warm bed where he snuggled down next to her, cradling her against his body.

“Hey,” he whispered.

She giggled, smirking at him over her shoulder. “Aren’t you supposed to be in your own bed at this time of night?”

“I’ll keep my trousers on, hon, I promise.” They laughed.

Sirius pulled her closer now, pushing her hair aside so he could shower the back of her neck with butterfly kisses. She giggled again.

“That tickles!”

“Say, Alice, I was just thinking about something...about names.”

“Names?”

“Mmmm. I was just wondering what you thought of the name...Alice Black?”

Startled, Alice whipped around, her face filled with confusion. “Alice Black?”

Sirius shrugged and flipped his black hair out of his face. “Yeah, I mean, I like it, but I was wondering if that would suit you.”

“Sirius, are you...are you proposing?”

He leaned forward and kissed her lips. “Yeah, I am. I love you, Alice. I want to be with you forever.”

But before he had finished speaking, Alice threw herself into his arms, crying and laughing and covering his mouth with kisses. Suddenly, however, she pushed herself away.

“I want to do this right, Sirius,” she said.

“I’ll go to your father in the morning, hon. I promise.”

“Well not just that. We have to not do…”

He laughed. “Sex, right?”

“I know we did it once but…”

“It’s okay, Alice, really! Hey, I love being with you, but I’m willing to wait. Alice, you’re worth waiting for, so don’t worry.” By now, they were both sitting up, leaning against the stacks of pillows on her bed.

“So you don’t think I’m old-fashioned?”

“I wish more people were.”

The next morning, Sirius had that long talk with Mr. Bones, who was nearly as excited as Alice was, though not quite as effusive. After patiently listening to Sirius’ long list of promises and declarations of love, Mr. Bones gave his full consent to the marriage...except…

“Of course, this isn’t right away or anything, correct?” Mr. Bones asked, slightly suspiciously. “That is to say, you don’t HAVE to get married immediately, do you?”

Sirius blanched. “Oh no, sir! Not at all!”

“You do have a certain reputation, after all. You’re not a virgin, are you, Sirius?”

“No, sir, I’m not. But Alice and I talked about this, and we agreed to wait and do things properly.” He decided it was in their best interest not to mention their one...encounter. After all, that was months ago, and nothing ever came of it. Why mention it now?

“Sirius, I fully consent to you taking my daughter in marriage, however, you must allow her to complete her Auror training first. As much as love is important, it is also crucial that she be able to continue her career.”

“Of course, sir. I’d never prevent her from having a career!”

“Were she to become pregnant, it would be very difficult for her to continue her role. I hope you understand.”

“I do, sir. Fully.”

* * * *

Plus, there was the upcoming wedding of James and Lily, now rapidly approaching. To that end, Sirius spent much of his time back at headquarters, though these days he was helping James and Lily with the final preparations for the Valentine’s Day wedding. There had been invitations to be sent, food to be arranged, and most of all, a location for the ritual and the reception to take place. Sirius, Remus, Dorcas and a handful of other friends helped the couple out, though the most difficult challenge was securing the secret location--portkeys had to be arranged so that no intruders could crash the wedding and cause trouble.

James was looking paler and paler as the big day approached, but Lily looked rosier and rosier. Sirius worried a little about his friend and so, the night before the wedding, he took James aside and apparated with him to the Shrieking Shack.

James coughed. “I think it got dustier in here since we left Hogwarts,” he said. Together, they found a slightly less dusty place to sit, stretch their legs and drink a bottle of Scotch.

“So, you nervous?” Sirius asked. He knew it was an obvious question, but a necessary one.

“Do you think we’re too young?” James wondered. He took a swig from the bottle and passed it back to Sirius.

“Lots of wizards get married young.”

“I’m not exactly the most mature person in the world.”

Sirius laughed. “True. But you’re strong. You’re compassionate. You’ve got a good heart. You’ll be a good father.”

“Compassionate? Me?” James scoffed at that. “I used to torment you all the time!”

“Yeah, but you always felt like shit about it later.”

“Not all the time.”

Sirius jabbed him in the ribs with his elbow. “Most of the time.” He drank from the bottle and passed it back. “Lily’s good for you, you know.”

“She’s too good for me.”

“Most women are too good for us men.”

James nodded. “Like Alice. Are you two ever going to get together?”

Sirius smiled. “It’ll be a couple of years, but we’ll make it. Mr. Bones seemed bloody chuffed by the whole idea.”

“So you’re engaged?”

Sirius laughed. “To Alice of course, not to Mr. Bones!”

“Sap.”

“Ponce.” Sirius took the bottle back from James and drank again. “This shit is pretty powerful.” He burped.

“You bloody drank half the bottle, you prat! Of course it’s powerful!” James swooned a little.

“Don’t get too pissed,” Sirius said with a laugh. “You don’t want a hangover on your wedding day!”

James sat down the bottle and frowned. “Say, you never did tell me about being at Malfoy Manor.”

Sirius scowled. “You’re right. I didn’t.”

“It must have been so weird. I bet you had to let Lucius touch you.”

“I think I need to drink some more,” Sirius replied sourly. “The hardest part was being around Regulus, especially when Lucius was pawing him and screwing him day and night.”

“How often did that happen?”

“Way too often. Thank the gods Regulus finally had to return to Hogwarts.”

“Maybe Regulus will meet a witch this year and stop all this.”

“He can be with a wizard if he wants,” Sirius said flatly. “That’s not the problem. The problem is letting himself get taken in by Lucius! I’ve been saying this forever, and it’s still true, that one day, Regulus is going to get his heart broken! You should have heard him, James! When he told Lucius that he loved him, I thought I’d cry!”

“What did Lucius say?”

“Nothing. Just gave him another rogering.” He drank again. “I shouldn’t be doing this to you on your last night of freedom, mate. We should be telling jokes about Wormtail!”

“So Wormy’s a spy now,” James chuckled, taking the bottle from Sirius and having a long drink.

“Can you believe it? Who knew he had it in him? But Shaklebolt was pleased with his report, so it must have gone well.”

“Does this mean we can’t make fun of him any more?” 

“No, we can.”

James grinned. “Then again, he wasn’t the one getting felt up for weeks at a time by Malfoy!”

Sirius laughed, but then, he paused. His face fell. “When you and Evans start having kids, promise me to raise them right.”

“Well you’re going to be our first child’s godfather, so I expect he’ll be just fine!”

* * * *

That night, a more than half drunk Sirius Black collapsed into his bed at the Bones home, falling immediately into a deep sleep. His dreams were frenetic that night, vivid and loud. First appeared Regulus, walking down the aisle to marry a sour-faced Lucius Malfoy, chased down by a very pregnant, screeching Narcissa wielding a hatchet and riding a white dragon. Suddenly the dream morphed into Sirius, in his Animagus form, riding in the sidecar of his motorbike, being driven by Mr. Bones--he rejoiced as the wild breeze whipped his face and made his eyes water. He barked and howled and sang until the dream morphed again…

Now he was in a dark closet, back to his human form, listening carefully to the Dark Lord pronounce his new plans to murder the offspring of James Potter and his mudblood wife, then to put the Dark Mark on Pettigrew’s left arm. The urge to escape from the closet overwhelmed Sirius, yet the more he tried the door, it wouldn’t budge. The air in the room slipped away, making him choke and gag as the speech went on, now declaring war on Cecilia and her priest father and philanthropist mother, all of whom slept in Alice’s bed and worked as Aurors with Frank Longbottom…

Sirius woke with a start, covered with sweat. His head spun from too much Scotch and too many troubling dreams. Tempted to sneak into Alice’s bed again, Sirius stopped himself, knowing that would be a big mistake. Instead, Sirius sauntered to the kitchen and poured himself a tall glass of milk, then made himself a towering ham sandwich which he devoured at the kitchen table. He liked it like this, so quiet and still and peaceful. It was times like this when he could finally think, make decisions, figure things out. 

As Sirius sat and finished his sandwich, he couldn’t help but feel slightly depressed as he suddenly realised that he would be losing his best friend in a matter of a few hours. Sure, James would still be around and they’d still talk nearly every day, but...things would be different. Sirius liked Lily, so it wasn’t that. In fact, he still found himself attracted to her, though his ardour for Alice was far greater. It was just...the end of something. The end of childhood.

If only the past had been clean.


	45. The Wedding of Prongs and the Green Eyed Witch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Lily looked positively angelic. She wore a simple white dress, really just a plain sheath, but she crowned her soft red tresses with a wreath of pale pink roses and little white flowers. Though Sirius admitted to knowing next to nothing about fashion, he could see the intense natural beauty that Lily radiated that lovely February morning. He supposed all brides looked that way, regardless of anything else._
> 
> _The same could not be said for James._

Lily looked positively angelic. She wore a simple white dress, really just a plain sheath, but she crowned her soft red tresses with a wreath of pale pink roses and little white flowers. Though Sirius admitted to knowing next to nothing about fashion, he could see the intense natural beauty that Lily radiated that lovely February morning. He supposed all brides looked that way, regardless of anything else.

The same could not be said for James.

Perhaps still recovering from their drinking binge the night before, James looked nearly as green as Lily’s eyes. Even after Dumbledore had given him a restorative to take away the worst of his nausea, James wasn’t quite steady on his feet. Sirius couldn’t help but laugh at his friend, knowing that in the not so distant future, he’d be the one green with nerves and James would be the one laughing at him.

All the same, it was time to go. By the time the wedding party had arrived at the location, everything was nearly set up, all orchestrated by a fierce Molly Weasley Emmeline Vance. Hagrid had come from Hogwarts to lend assistance, as had Professor Sprout and Professor Flitwick. Everything was...perfect. Garlands of flowers matching those Lily wore floated overhead in gentle wafts, filling the sacred space with their sweet scent. James and Lily were relegated to a special room where they would make their final preparations, and as Best Man, Sirius was shuttled to the front of the sacred space, where he waited further instructions from Dorcas.

“I’ll be presiding over the ritual today,” she told Sirius, “so all you have to do is follow instructions.”

Easy enough.

Finally, the audience had settled down and fell silent. Sirius stood to one side of a circular altar, holding a tall white candle, while Alice stood opposite him, with another candle. As the doors opened to admit the couple, Dorcas motioned for Sirius and Alice to rest the candle flames at the mouth of a small stone bowl atop the altar. As the flames touched, an orange glow emerged, emitting white sparks that flew up in gentle arcs.

James entered first, clad in a white sheath, looking amazingly calm and no longer green--that made Sirius relieved. His eyes placidly shut, palms up, feet bare, James walked slowly, ceremoniously to the nexus of the sacred space, then turned to face the centre aisle. As he did so, he threw a quick wink at Sirius, whose hands felt clammy as he held onto that candle. Next to emerge through the door was Lily, clad as James was, in a simple white sheath, now astride a unicorn still in its silvery youth. Her posture was sure and strong, with every fibre of her body focused on the ritual that lay ahead.

Sirius and Alice helped Lily down from the unicorn, and then led her by the hands to James. Dorcas motioned for them to step back so that it was only she and the couple at the altar. She conjured an ancient, golden book from which she read the incantation in a language only James and Lily could understand--they uttered their responses in that same, special language and then were each handed a golden goblet. James dipped his into the bowl first, and Lily followed. When they clinked the goblets together, they suddenly merged into one--James drank from it first, then Lily finished it. A light kiss brought the ritual to an end.

“That’s us in two years,” Alice whispered in Sirius’ ear. He kissed her on the cheek and applauded with everyone else as Dorcas presented the new Mr. and Mrs. James and Lily Potter to the world.

Life was sweet.

* * * *

Marriage was so natural for the two of them. It struck Sirius as lightly amusing to remember how much James and Lily had scrapped at each other for so many years--but now, their life was nothing but sweetness.

Sort of.

Naturally, neither had lost their strong personalities or anything. They still bickered and argued and teased each other incessantly. That was expected. It would have been unnatural if they had suddenly become overly nice to each other. After all, neither James nor Lily had it in them to be overly nice to anyone.

Word reached Sirius that Severus Snape had disappeared, or at least hadn’t been seen by anyone on either side of the war for some time now, making Sirius wonder what was going on. He hoped that Severus had seen the light and run off, finding refuge in some faraway place like Alaska or Vladivostok. That would be nice. Anything but more killing. As angry a child as Severus had been, Sirius wanted to believe that Severus could somehow overcome his past and find his voice. Of course, Severus had done what Sirius refused to do, and as a Death Eater, Sirius knew it was that much harder to get away. But impossible?

That was a hard question. It was one thing to walk away from the Dark Lord before getting the Mark, but after the Mark was something else. Sirius knew all too well that no one just walked away unscathed. He didn’t even know whether anyone had tried. Maybe not. Maybe Death Eaters were happy as they were, though Sirius doubted that. He had a feeling that a lot of them had to hold their noses in order to do the very worst of the Dark Lord’s bidding.

He was sure Regulus would, anyway. As he stood next to James and Lily during their wedding, Sirius couldn’t help but think of his brother and that Regulus would never know a loving scene like this one, for too many reasons he dared not ponder. Regulus had invested his whole mind and body in Lucius, filled with the innocent hope that Lucius’ caresses and kisses were sincere. Sirius hated to think of what the reality would do to Regulus, but he was fairly sure that Regulus would never recover.

As October turned into a chilly, rainy November, a troubled James trudged into headquarters, looking tired and distracted. He flopped down on the sofa in the parlour, reading a new set of parchments just sent over by Dumbledore, but soon, he set them down. Studying his own set of parchments from Moody, Sirius set them aside and looked over at James, who was now wringing his hands and looked very stressed out.

“What’s up, mate?” Sirius asked.

“What?” James replied, startled by the intrusion into his private thoughts.

“I can hear you grinding your teeth,” Sirius said jokingly, trying to dispel whatever was upsetting James.

James didn’t reply for a moment. Sirius frowned.

“Hey, are you alright?” Sirius asked, soberly this time.

“Yeah...yeah, I’m fine. I’m great!”

“You look like you’re about to have a fit! Did you knock up Lily or something?”

James blanched. “Actually, yeah. We just found out yesterday.”

Sirius threw the parchments jubilantly in the air and jumped out of his seat, hooting and hollering. “Way to go, Potter!”

James laughed, but stayed put, now looking even paler than before. Sirius grabbed him in a huge bear hug, squeezing him so tight that James cried out in a little pain. A giddy Sirius finally put him down, then flopped down on the settee and started peppering him with questions.

“So when do you think the little Potter got hatched?” He kicked James’ foot.

“I don’t know...I guess it could have been any time these last few weeks, I mean, we’ve been…”

“Down and dirty!” Sirius crowed. “Nice bonking, mate! So how is she? Sicking up everything, I expect.”

James nodded. “Pretty much. She told me this morning that she was tempted to make me sleep on the couch for the rest of our lives!”

“So why the long face?”

“Come on, Padfoot, we’re only just nineteen! We’re kids!”

“Bollocks! You’re fully qualified adults, you’re legitimately married and you’re rolling in gold. Who cares if you’re nineteen? Muggles waste too much time waiting around till they’re forty-seven to start families, I mean, this is only the first of a lot, right?”

James sighed. “Well I think that’s up to Lily, since she’s the one who has to carry the kid for nine months.”

Sirius smirked. “True. Man, you must be so excited.”

“Shit-scared is more like it.”

“Twaddle. You guys are going to be great parents!” Sirius insisted. “See, you’ll raise the kid to be all morally responsible, and I’ll be around to spoil him rotten and indulge him in expensive gifts and take him away to Quidditch matches when you’re not looking!”

“Hey, you’re still on as godfather, right?” James asked.

“Absolutely! I wouldn’t miss it!” He leaned back and grinned. “It’s going to be so great, watching your kid grow up, go to Hogwarts, follow in your footsteps. We’ll have a special party to send him off and we’ll have another party when he comes home.”

James laughed. “Well I’m glad someone’s planned my life out for me! But let’s get Lily through the pregnancy first, alright?”

* * * *

A new little Potter. That sounded nice to Sirius, giving him a little hope for once in his life. He couldn’t exactly explain why he was so consumed by the Potters’ soon-to-be baby, but...he just was. It was a little light in a very dark world, this small treasure that grew within Lily’s body and soul. The wizarding world needed this, needed a breath of innocence, if only to ignite the spirits of the old and disconsolate. As the war raged on, this new life developed in his own, peaceful realm, which Sirius hoped would reach outward and inward to his own battered heart.

Lily looked great. Pregnancy made her glow and shine and sparkle, as if her child’s light peeked through all her pores. Now that her morning sickness was under control, Lily grew bright and cheerful again, eating strange things, making James apparate all over England to find her everything from guava juice to pickled herring to prune danish dipped in salsa.

“You’re joking!” Sirius barked as James told the tale. They sat together at the Leaky Cauldron in late December, sipping beers and eating a plate piled high with fried cheese.

“I always thought those weird cravings started later on in pregnancy,” a very tired James replied. “But she’s been like this for two weeks now! She’s driving me mad!” He looked over to the door and waved to a newly arrived Peter Pettigrew.

Pettigrew ordered a beer and joined his friends. “Hey! How’s the wife?”

“Hungry,” Sirius snorted.

“I thought pregnant witches were always like that,” Pettigrew replied. “My mum said that witches get those weird hormone cravings earlier than muggle women do. She made my father go all the way to Lebanon for garlic sauce!”

“Good gods!” James exclaimed. “I’ll just find a Lebanese shop here in England. I expect there’s a fair few. So how’s the spy game going?”

“Busy. Apparently Snape’s off on some super secret mission that only the...You-Know-Who knows about.” But then Pettigrew’s face fell. “Say, Sirius, have you heard from Regulus at all?”

“Not for ages. What’s the body count by now? A hundred?”

“I don’t know,” Pettigrew replied, now whispering. “Sirius, I think something’s happened to him, but I don’t know what.”

Sirius’ heart skipped a beat. His stomach burned painfully. “He’s dead, isn’t he.”

“I...I’m not sure.” Pettigrew looked away. “But it’s very likely. I’m so sorry, Sirius.”

He didn’t know what to say. All Sirius could do was sit there like a stone, silent and gobsmacked and cold. Naturally, he saw this coming, that one day Regulus would die. But Sirius wondered how...and by whose hand.

“So what exactly was said?” Sirius finally asked.

“You-Know-Who had been complaining about Death Eaters who were unwilling to kill as many enemies as he wanted them to. From my hiding place, I could see that Regulus was pretty scared, pretty shaken up. I got the impression he hadn’t killed for some time now.”

“So the Dark Lord threatened him because of that?” Sirius asked hotly.

“Not in so many words, but...yeah.”

James furrowed his brow. “So wait, so does that mean that You-Know-Who thought of Regulus as some sort of blood-traitor?”

“I don’t know. Maybe. I think it was more that he thought of him as...well...weak. He had killed a few so-called enemies, but not as many as the...as You-Know-Who wanted him to. And yeah, not for a while now.”

“What do we do?” James asked glumly. “Is there a way of getting to Regulus? Can we bring him in and protect him?”

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do,” Sirius replied. 

A sob rose in his throat, but he pushed it down, as if some small voice inside him convinced him that as long as he stayed strong, Regulus would be okay. But deep down, Sirius knew that was a lie. Regulus Black was dead by the Dark Lord’s hand, and there wasn’t a thing in the world he or anyone else could do about it. 

The following day, Sirius did all he could to keep his mind on the Order and off of Regulus--it pained him far too much to imagine how Regulus met his end, if it were true that he was dead. A feeling of emptiness arose within him as well, especially as, against his will he remembered how much effort and heartache and energy he had put into his mission to save Regulus from exactly this fate. Suddenly, Sirius wanted to see Severus Snape, ask him whether he knew anything. Of course, that was impossible, as no one but the Dark Lord knew his whereabouts.

The mystery of his brother’s fate hung like a dark cloud over Sirius for the next several days, exacerbated one terrible morning by shrieks and cries and ghastly bellowing coming from the Bones’ parlour.

Sirius struggled out of bed and dashed downstairs, still in his nightshirt, eager and terrified to find out what was going on. Inside the parlour, Mr. and Mrs. Bones, Alice, Jacob, Amelia and a few other family members and friends cried and moaned and railed against the Dark Lord. All Sirius could do was stare at the awful spectacle and wonder.

“What’s happened?” he cried out. Was this about Regulus? Did they finally learn of his fate? Sirius’ mind raced.

Alice ran to him, threw her arms around his neck and sobbed. “They’re all dead! All of them!”

“Who?”

“My uncle Edgar! His sons and daughter, and his wife, too!” She buried her face in his hair and sobbed again. What could Sirius do but hold her close and gentle.

“Gods! I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “But I don’t understand? Why was the entire family targeted?”

“Edgar, as you know, was a very powerful Auror and a driving force in the Order,” a grieved Mr. Bones replied through his own tears.

Naturally, it made perfect sense to Sirius. After all, this sort of tactic was nothing new. “Do we know which Death Eaters did it?” He hoped Regulus wasn’t involved.

Mr. Bones nodded. “Lucius Malfoy, Bellatrix Lestrange and Severus Snape.”

“SNAPE?” Sirius bellowed. “I thought he was missing or something! So no one survived?”

“No one,” Mr. Bones said mournfully. “Sirius, I’m afraid this has to do with you as well.”

“Me? What...why?”

Mr. Bones threw a glance at Alice, then shook his head.

Sirius could feel the color drain from his face. “Are you telling me...but Alice is pureblooded! This isn’t another Cecilia!”

“She’s a blood-traitor.”

“So am I!” Sirius shot back. “So is James Potter!”

Mr. Bones scowled. “Who’s to say that James won’t be targeted, just to push you further, though we all know that You-Know-Who has been trying to recruit Potter.”

“So you mean join us and we’ll stop killing your friends?” Sirius said with disgust. “Look, sir, maybe I shouldn’t be here any more. I don’t think I could live with myself if anything else happened to your family. Gods! I...I don’t know what to say!”

Alice looked up at him with tearful eyes. “NO! No you can’t! Please, Sirius, don’t leave!” She sobbed all over again.

“But if I’m putting you in danger…”

“NO! Sirius, even if you left I could still be a target,” she pointed out. “As long as you and I are…” But she paused, unable to say what Sirius knew was coming.

“They won’t do that, Alice,” he said, looking her in the eye. “I won’t allow them to break us up.”

“I love you, Sirius.”

“I won’t leave you, Alice. Ever.”


	46. Harry James Potter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _As the days and weeks passed, little Harry Potter thrived. Lily took assiduously good care of her new son, and James was just as doting on him as Lily was, perhaps even more so. With a newborn at home, however, neither Potter had much time for the Order, unlike the Longbottoms, who entrusted Frank’s mother, Augusta, with a fair amount of babysitting their Neville._
> 
> _“I guess that wouldn’t quite work for you guys, would it?” Sirius asked them one evening as they sat around by the fire after a long dinner. Harry was fast asleep in his room, leaving a rather tired Lily and James to enjoy a few rare moments with their friends._
> 
> _Lily rolled her eyes. “You know, my sister had a son just a few months before I had Harry.”_
> 
> _“So she married the guy with the small penis?” James joked._
> 
> _“Apparently it works,” Sirius noted with a smirk. Lily socked him in the arm._

She looked beautiful, radiant, divine.

Sirius and Alice visited the new, proud Potter parents the very day Lily delivered their first child, a boy. Apparently the delivery had been difficult, taking much longer than either Lily or James or their Healer had anticipated. Still, Lily had remained strong and somewhat calm throughout the process--the same could not be said for James, however. But, the moment Sirius caught sight of an exhausted, exuberant James standing in the centre of the sterile white corridor at St. Mungo’s, he broke into a broad grin. James burst into tears.

“My gods!” Sirius crowed, amused by James’ overwrought state. “That kid had better be strong, with you as his father!” He gave James a warm embrace, letting his friend get control of his emotions.

“I’m a wreck!” James exclaimed, drying his face on his sleeve. “You should have seen Lily, though! She was amazing through the whole thing. I was totally useless!”

“I bet!” Sirius laughed.

“I had no idea what to expect, you know,” James went on. “The Healer and Lily sort of took command of everything. Gods! I thought I might get sick at one point because I was so nervous.”

“Well what did you expect would happen?” Sirius asked. “After all, she had to do all the work!”

“True,” James replied. “I hope I’m not like this when we have our second child. I think I’ll take tranquilisers next time.”

Sirius winked at him. “You should get the hang of it by the time you’re on number seven.” James blanched at that.

“So can we see the baby?” Alice asked. She gave James a kiss on the cheek. “I hope he looks like his mother.”

“Not a chance,” James replied. “The kid looks exactly like me. Poor thing. Come on, let’s go, but keep it down. Lily is pretty much out of it right now.”

James led them quietly into the recovery room, finding Lily fast asleep, the pink-cheeked baby resting in her arms.

“He’s beautiful,” Alice whispered. “What’s his name?”

“Harry,” James replied. “Harry James Potter.”

Sirius grinned. “I like that.”

“Say, he really does look exactly like you, James,” Alice noted, seeing baby Harry’s shock of black hair. “You weren’t kidding.”

Lily stirred and opened her eyes. Seeing her friends, she sat up a little and waved them over. “Come see Harry,” she whispered. “He’s got my eyes.”

Sirius snorted. “I just hope he doesn’t get James’ eyesight.”

“He’ll be bashing into walls by the time he’s two!” said Remus Lupin, who just entered the room bearing an armload of wildflowers. Alice conjured a vase for him.

“You’re late!” James said.

“Hey, I was just visiting Frank and his Alice. They had their boy yesterday, you know.”

“Oh that’s right!” Lily remembered. “I guess I was too busy in labour to notice.”

“So what time was Harry born?” Alice asked.

“Just at the very last second of July 31. 11:59 to be precise,” James replied. “What did Frank and Alice name theirs?”

“Neville,” Remus said.

“Nice name,” Sirius mused. “But will either of them have time to actually raise the kid?”

“Oh nice!” Lily laughed.

“I’m serious! They’re pretty much the best Aurors we have, and the busiest ones! I bet Moody’s not too chuffed they had a kid.”

“And Moody’s not their boss, is he?” Remus shot back. “Say, Padfoot, does he still hate you?”

“He hates everyone but Albus,” James pointed out.

“And Kingsley,” Alice said.

The baby squawked a little.

“Say, you lot, I need to nurse the little guy, so if you men would excuse us?” Lily said. “Can you guys actually take my husband home so he can sleep?”

“Sure, Evans,” Sirius replied, giving James a pat on the back.

“That’s Potter to you, Black,” she quipped. “Go on, get out of here before Harry starves! I don’t want him growing up short and scrawny!”

* * * *

Why he wasn’t at St. Mungo’s, Sirius wondered silently. The odd sight of Peter Pettigrew, baby gift in hand, at the Potters’ house came as an unexpected occurrence. There he stood, carefully examining Sirius’ motorbike, still parked in the Potters’ side garden, as if it were an ancient book of sacred mysteries. Remus grinned and waved enthusiastically.

“You missed it!” he shouted.

Peter turned to face them, smiling from ear to ear. “Hey you guys!” he called out. “I was going to meet you at St. Mungo’s but then I figured it was all over and Lily would be pretty tired, so I just decided to come straight here. I hope that’s okay.”

James gave him a quick embrace. “That’s just fine, Wormy. I’m glad you made it!”

“You look terrible!” Pettigrew noted.

“Too much stress and too little sleep,” James replied with a chuckle. “Honestly her labour went way longer than I thought it would. Over a day! Made it in the very last second of July! Isn’t that amazing?”

“Goodness!” Pettigrew exclaimed. “But I guess that long labour is normal, right?”

James pushed his hair out of his eyes. “I suppose. Look, you guys, make yourselves at home here, but I really need to have a lie-down, alright?”

“Can we do something for you?” Remus offered. “Do you need the house cleaned up or anything?”

“You don’t have to do that,” James replied. “Why not take that muggle monstrosity for a run or something?”

After James had gone up to his room, Sirius busied himself in the kitchen making coffee for them all. Remus conjured a plate of sticky buns and the three friends sat down together for a snack. 

“Last second of July,” Pettigrew mused. His eyes darkened for a moment, but then he smiled gently. “I bet Lily’s beat.”

“She looks amazing,” Sirius said, taking a long drink from his coffee cup. “We should Irish up this coffee.”

“So how’s the spy game these days, Wormy?” Remus asked, taking a sticky bun for himself.

“Fine,” Pettigrew replied. But then, his face fell. “Look, Sirius, I think I know what might have happened to Regulus, but I can’t be totally sure.”

“How did you find that out?” Remus demanded. “Is You-Know-Who back at Malfoy Manor?”

“Not him. But your cousin, Sirius. Bella.”

“What was she doing there?” Sirius asked, though he knew that was a ridiculous question.

“Usual. Plotting mayhem with Lucius and the others. Anyway, she had it from some unknown source that Regulus was attacked by Inferi and drowned in some faraway place.”

“Then it was You-Know-Who that was responsible,” Remus reasoned. “After all, he’s the only one with control over the Inferi, right?”

“As far as I know,” Pettigrew replied. “Sirius, I’m so sorry.”

Sirius could only sit there like a stone. All the colour had drained from his face and his hands and body trembled violently. “I don’t know what to say,” Sirius finally uttered. “I mean, I feel horrible that he’s dead, but...if the Dark Lord had him killed that way, then it means that Regulus had probably defied him, which means…”

“...He changed,” Remus chimed in. “Sirius! Maybe your words finally got to him! Maybe he finally understood!”

Tears snaked down Sirius’ pale face treacherously. He sighed heavily. “And then he paid the price with his life. Gods, I hate the Dark Lord!” He dried his eyes with the back of his sleeve.

“Say, does Kingsley know yet?” Remus asked.

“I haven’t gone to headquarters yet,” Pettigrew replied. “Too busy shopping for a baby gift!”

Sirius chuckled. “Say, Wormy, thanks for the news. I mean, it’s terrible news but it’s not totally terrible.”

“If he truly changed,” Remus added.

“I think he did,” Sirius said adamantly. “I don’t think he would have risked death unless he had changed. And there’s no way that the Dark Lord would kill a faithful servant.”

Pettigrew nodded. “True. Then again, he can be pretty fickle, I mean, based on what I’ve observed.”

Remus furrowed his brow. “Say, Peter, how many times do you suppose you’ve seen You-Know-Who by now?”

Pettigrew shrugged. “Dunno. Five, maybe six times by now. He doesn’t come to Malfoy Manor all that often, though these days he’s been around more. But Kingsley’s also thinking of moving me...to the Black mansion.”

“That’s a bad idea,” Sirius replied. “No strategising goes on at my parents’ home. The Dark Lord visits, but only socially. He imparts his philosophy on those visits, but he reserves the plotting for other locations.”

“Kingsley must have some reason for sending him there,” Remus said. “Maybe now that things have changed in the war, your parents are involved with strategising.”

Sirius frowned. “I didn’t say they were never involved, Moony. I just meant that all that military stuff went on elsewhere. But maybe you’re right. Maybe the Dark Lord has altered his strategy. Say, Wormy, maybe he suspects there’s an Animagus at Malfoy Manor and that’s why he’s changed.”

Remus rubbed his eyes and thought. “It’s possible. Sirius, I think you should take this up with Kingsley and Alestor as soon as possible.”

* * * *

“I’m sorry, Sirius, but I can’t tell you why I moved Peter,” Kingsley told him later that day.

“You have to keep me filled in,” Sirius protested. “You brought me into this because of my connections! How can I help you if you don’t tell me the whole story?”

“I just can’t.”

Sirius narrowed his eyes at him. “You still don’t trust me fully, do you?”

“Sirius…”

“This is unbelievable!” Sirius roared. “When will you people get it in your heads that I’m on your side?”

“This wasn’t just my decision, Sirius,” Kingsley replied. 

“It’s Moody, isn’t it?”

“Alestor believes in discretion,” Kingsley explained.

“And that discretion is going to cost a lot of lives!”

“Peter is doing an excellent job, Sirius, trust me. We’ve gained a lot from his information!”

Sirius sighed in exasperation. “I know that, I mean, I see it! So then if you don’t trust me fully, then what am I doing?”

Kingsley laughed derisively. “Listen to you! You think you’re the only one around with expertise on You-Know-Who?”

“I grew up around…”

“I know, Sirius!” he said, cutting across him impatiently. “But there are others with valuable information, too! Look, I’ll level with you. Albus is the one who thought Peter should be moved, not just Alestor.”

“But why would he do that? Pettigrew was doing so well where he was!”

“Albus thought the Order would be better served with Peter moved elsewhere. He can still gather good information at your parents’ house.”

Sirius nodded. “I know. Look, I’m sorry I blew up at you.”

Kingsley grinned and gave him a pat on the shoulder. “So how’s the little Potter?”

“He’s great! Looks just like his father!”

Kingsley laughed. “Well good for them! I’m going to see Alice and Frank tomorrow, and I’ll visit Lily and James as soon as I can. I heard it was a rough birth for Lily.”

Sirius nodded. “Took a long time, but the kid was born just at the very last second of the 31st. James is totally knackered!”

Kingsley grinned. “I think that kid is going to have a great life. Couldn’t have two better parents in the world!”

As the days and weeks passed, little Harry Potter thrived. Lily took assiduously good care of her new son, and James was just as doting on him as Lily was, perhaps even more so. With a newborn at home, however, neither Potter had much time for the Order, unlike the Longbottoms, who entrusted Frank’s mother, Augusta, with a fair amount of babysitting their Neville. 

“I guess that wouldn’t quite work for you guys, would it?” Sirius asked them one evening as they sat around by the fire after a long dinner. Harry was fast asleep in his room, leaving a rather tired Lily and James to enjoy a few rare moments with their friends.

Lily rolled her eyes. “You know, my sister had a son just a few months before I had Harry.”

“So she married the guy with the small penis?” James joked.

“Apparently it works,” Sirius noted with a smirk. Lily socked him in the arm.

“You guys are horrible!” she exclaimed, exchanging exasperated looks with Alice, who had snuggled up with Sirius. “When you guys have kids, Al, don’t let Sirius anywhere near him!”

Alice laughed. “He’ll get yearly visitation! But he won’t be allowed to speak!”

“Oh great! I’m cut out of my child’s life and he’s not even born yet!” Sirius shot back. Looking at a relatively subdued Pettigrew, Sirius frowned. “You’re a bit of a downer tonight, Wormy. Gas pains?” Remus snorted into his sherry.

“Oh ha ha,” Pettigrew sniped. “I’m just tired is all. The life of an Animagus spy is kicking my arse these days.”

“Tell me about it,” Sirius said sympathetically. “I know what you mean. So how are my parents?”

“Fine,” Pettigrew replied. “Moving on with the...with You-Know-Who’s agenda, as usual.”

“Figures,” James groused. “Too bad you couldn’t influence them like you did for Regulus, mate.”

“The day that happens is the day I declare my undying sexual lust for Lucius Malfoy,” Sirius crowed.

“Well you did kiss him, after all,” James said with a snigger. But then he gasped. “Oh shit.”

Lily and Alice had both clapped their hands over their gaping mouths, and Remus could only stare at Sirius with a mixture of horror and confusion.

“You kissed him?” Pettigrew said.

“You stupid ass, Potter,” Sirius groaned.

“Shit! I’m sorry, Sirius! I forgot you hadn’t told anyone!” James replied.

“When did this happen?” Lily asked.

“A long time ago!” Sirius insisted. “I was still at school! The jerk was trying to get me back on their side, and I shoved him off me, and then I punched him in his ugly face!”

James couldn’t help but laugh at the memory, and pretty soon, the rest of them were howling with laughter at the thought of a bloodied Lucius having to explain his injuries to Narcissa.

Sounds of the baby crying brought an end to the joke.

“Shh!” Lily whispered. “Damn, we woke him!”

James got to his feet. “I’ll go. Penance for outing Sirius.”

“Give him a bottle,” Lily said.

“By the way,” Pettigrew piped up, “you all might be interested to know that Lucius and Narcissa had a son not too long ago.”

“Oh my gods! The poor kid!” Sirius laughed. “So what’s the brat’s name?”

“Draco,” Pettigrew replied, crinkling his nose. “Weird name, don’t you think?”

“Dragon,” Sirius mused. “Typical Malfoy pomp. I suppose he wears gold-plated nappies?”

“Probably,” Lily said. “Say, maybe he’ll be the family rebel and be a nice person!”

“With Lucius as his father? I doubt it,” Sirius replied.

Lily shrugged. “Well, look at you! Your parents are a lot worse than Lucius and Narcissa…”

“I don’t know about that,” Sirius replied. “Let’s just hope that Narcissa has the sense to stop at one child.”

A soft knock at the door interrupted the friends once again, but this time, Sirius got up to answer the door. The unexpected sight of a stern Professor Dumbledore alarmed him.

“Professor,” Sirius said. “Come in. We’re just having sherry and waking up the baby.”

“Thank you, Sirius,” Dumbledore replied, still stern. Everyone jumped up as he entered the den, but Dumbledore motioned for them all to sit back down.

“Nice to see you,” Remus said politely.

“Hello, Professor,” Pettigrew added.

“I apologise to you all for breaking up your gathering, however, I need to speak to all of you right away, without delay.” Dumbledore sat down in Mr. Potter’s favourite wing chair, gladly accepting a proffered glass of sherry from Alice.

James returned from Harry’s room just then, looking both surprised and energised at Dumbledore’s presence. “Albus! What brings you here? I see you’ve been properly fed and watered.”

“Yes, yes, James,” Dumbledore replied, almost paternally.

“What is it?” James asked, troubled by Dumbledore’s hard expression.

“I come bearing troubling news, I fear,” he replied.

“From whom?” James asked.

“That I cannot reveal just now, however, this does concern you, Lily and your son.”

Lily sat erect just then, narrowing her eyes at Dumbledore. “And what do you mean by that?” she asked sharply. “What does anything have to do with Harry?”

Dumbledore sighed heavily. “Everything, I’m afraid.”

James narrowed his eyes. “I’m listening.”


	47. The Threat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Dumbledore made sure that few in the Order knew of this prophecy or of the threat against Harry Potter. Naturally, Kingsley and Moody knew, but beyond them, no one else. James and Lily moved with Harry to the safehouse, a lovely cottage in Cornwall right on the beach. In the mornings, the two of them would take little Harry out onto the rough sand, letting him watch the sunshine sparkle on the vast waters._
> 
> _Sirius visited as often as he could, which became less and less as time wore on and duties with the Order increased. Once again as an Animagus, Sirius did a short stint as a spy against Rabastan Lestrange and his small band of Death Eaters. They had taken to meeting late at night in the thick woods, speaking in whispers as they plotted more takeovers of the muggle world. No word of the plot against the Potters, however, which was what Sirius had wanted to hear. Still, he managed to thwart many of their plans for some time as he fed the information to the Order._

The house was completely silent as Dumbledore readied himself to speak. Even the baby kept quiet, as if not to interrupt this strange news from the professor. Everyone leaned in close to listen, not wanting to miss a single syllable of what Dumbledore was about to utter.

“A few months back,” Dumbledore started, “I interviewed a woman for the post of Divination teacher. Her name is Sybil Trelawney.”

“Never heard of her,” James said.

“Shh!” Lily snapped.

“During our interview, Sybil had...a prophecy. At first I thought she was merely putting on an act in order to secure the post, but I suddenly realised that this was not so.”

“Why not?” Pettigrew asked.

“There was something about her facial expression, the tone of her voice that told me differently. She was in a trance, an altered state, and…”

Sirius laughed. “Come on, Professor, this is the 80’s! Loads of people are sampling muggle drugs these days!”

“Shut up!” Lily snapped again. “I’m trying to hear!”

“This was no drug-induced state, Sirius. This was real,” Dumbledore retorted calmly. “I do know the signs of a true prophecy. At any rate, what she said both excited me and troubled me. She said that a child would be born, and this child would be the only one with the power to vanquish Lord Voldemort once and for all. At the time, the identity of the child remained a mystery, but now…” He stopped for a moment.

“What?” James asked eagerly.

“The child would be born as the seventh month closed,” Dumbledore went on.

“But there were others born!” Sirius pointed out. “What about Frank and Alice’s boy, Neville?”

Dumbledore nodded. “Yes, this is true. In fact, Harry and Neville were the only two in our world to be born at the very end of July. The bad part of this is that Lord Voldemort knows about the prophecy.”

Both Lily and James blanched at that.

“But surely,” James uttered breathlessly, “he doesn’t know about Harry and Neville?”

“How did he find out?” Remus asked.

“I know who told him of the prophecy,” Dumbledore replied, “and unfortunately, I also know that Voldemort is aware of Harry’s existence. I don’t know how he found out, however, I have it on good authority that he is carrying out a plan to have your son exterminated.”

James flinched at the word “exterminated.” Lily, on the other hand, looked ashen.

“I think I know who told him,” she said softly, her voice filled with pain. “A few weeks ago, I was in Diagon Alley doing some shopping, and I bumped into Severus. I showed him Harry’s picture and…” But she couldn’t go on, now overwhelmed with heavy sobs.

“Lily, it was not Severus,” Dumbledore replied gently.

“It had to be!” she wailed.

“It could have been any number of people, and you know that,” Dumbledore retorted. “It was no secret that Harry was born at the very end of the 31st.”

“But how many of those are sworn Death Eaters?” Sirius growled.

“It is NOT Severus,” Dumbledore repeated adamantly. “Believe me, I have every intention of finding out who is responsible for this, but this is not Severus Snape’s doing. You are going to have to trust me on this.”

“Gods!” Remus exclaimed. “So what can we do? How can we stop him from finding Harry?”

“First of all, you three will need to go into hiding immediately,” Dumbledore said, indicating the Potters.

“NO!” James protested. “I will not run away from someone who wants to kill my son! There is no way I’m going to hide out like a coward ponce!”

Dumbledore glared at him. “Then you can be assured that Harry will grow up without a father, James,” he said harshly. “This isn’t about cowardice! This is about survival, and if Harry is to survive so that he can fulfill his destiny, then you MUST go into hiding with him and Lily! That is not negotiable.”

“Forget it, Albus!” James shot back. “Of course, Lily and Harry need to go underground, but I will not do that! If I have to hunt him down…”

“You’ll be dead before you hit the ground,” Dumbledore replied.

“He’s right, James,” Sirius said. “You don’t know the man. His greatest fear is death, I mean, that’s what he’s all about, violating the laws of nature in order to keep living. Nothing else matters to him, and you...you’re just a filthy blood-traitor to him. He’ll take pleasure in killing you!”

Pettigrew furrowed his brow. “I thought he was all about purity of blood,” he mused.

“He is,” Sirius replied. “But when it comes right down to it, it’s all about survival. I can remember nights growing up where he’d give us these long lectures about how death is unnatural and that if one is to live forever, we need to create a perfect world. A perfect world without mudbloods or half-breeds will ensure an even longer life, at least according to him.”

James scowled. “I haven’t heard you use the M-word in a while, Padfoot.”

Sirius groaned impatiently. “I’m just giving you his perspective! Look, James, you need to listen to Professor Dumbledore! Let other wizards work to save Harry’s life. As his father, you’re a prime target, and you can be sure that the Dark Lord will have no trouble tracking you down and killing you!”

“But Albus, is that really enough?” Remus asked. “Is just hiding enough to keep him away?”

“For now, yes,” Dumbledore said. “But it also means that the Order and the Aurors will have to step up their efforts against the Death Eaters, to keep them off the trail. I have a safehouse for you three. It’s unplottable and heavily charmed. You will be quite safe there, at least for the time being. If things become dangerous, we’ll resort to more drastic measures.”

Lily kissed James lightly on the lips. “Come on, love, it’s just temporary. This is for Harry.”

James nodded. “Alright.”

“We can devise ways for you both to get out from time to time. I know a few charms that are a little cleaner than Polyjuice potion,” Dumbledore said.

“How about my…” James started.

“No cloak,” Dumbledore answered sharply. “In fact, James, I’ll need to take it right now.”

James opened his mouth to protest, but stopped when Sirius laughed at him.

“Come on, Prongs, you know you’ll use it otherwise!” Sirius crowed.

“Just don’t lose it,” James said reluctantly. “It’s a family heirloom, and I have every intention of letting Harry use it when he gets to school!”

“Figures,” Sirius smirked.

* * * *

For a while it worked.

Dumbledore made sure that few in the Order knew of this prophecy or of the threat against Harry Potter. Naturally, Kingsley and Moody knew, but beyond them, no one else. James and Lily moved with Harry to the safehouse, a lovely cottage in Cornwall right on the beach. In the mornings, the two of them would take little Harry out onto the rough sand, letting him watch the sunshine sparkle on the vast waters.

Sirius visited as often as he could, which became less and less as time wore on and duties with the Order increased. Once again as an Animagus, Sirius did a short stint as a spy against Rabastan Lestrange and his small band of Death Eaters. They had taken to meeting late at night in the thick woods, speaking in whispers as they plotted more takeovers of the muggle world. No word of the plot against the Potters, however, which was what Sirius had wanted to hear. Still, he managed to thwart many of their plans for some time as he fed the information to the Order.

As spring turned to summer, Sirius also intensified his relationship with Alice Bones. By now, he had become a part of the Bones family, which made Sirius very happy. More than anything these days, he started to want what James had with Lily--a family of his own. This was a relatively new inspiration for Sirius, who had long ago sworn he would never father a child. But he had seen how fatherhood changed James, turned him into a stronger man, a better person, a focused and powerful wizard. All for love.

Did he dare? All often, when Sirius felt love for anyone, it had been cruelly taken from him or corrupted in some, horrible way. First Cecilia, then Regulus, and even to some point, Severus. They had been friends at one point long ago, enjoyed each other’s company, made each other laugh. Sirius wanted to feel that blithe giddiness once again, let his blood soften with joy and intimacy. True, he had already proposed marriage to her and she had already accepted and her father had already given his approval, but in the interim, that old fear had resurfaced, making Sirius doubt himself all over again.

But now, seeing his friends doing so well as a little family, Sirius determined to let go of his old fears and doubts and embrace what he had already promised, without looking back any more. Thus, he came to a decision, something that excited and scared him. He was really going to go through with it, as soon as possible. No more waiting, nor more hesitation. He hoped Alice would be as enthusiastic as he was.

Sirius and Alice spent July 31 at the Potters’ house, where they celebrated little Harry’s first birthday. Frank Longbottom came as well, to celebrate Neville’s birthday with everyone. Lily had gone all out for the occasion, with balloons and streamers and fun little toys from Zonko’s and of course, chocolate cake and ice cream. Harry was walking by then, though Neville was more unsteady on his little feet, and James got no greater pleasure than holding his son’s hands as Harry took tenuous steps up and down the living room. Everyone clapped.

Frank laughed. “Neville’s almost got it, but I think he’s a bit of a late bloomer,” he said.

“Boys develop a little later anyway,” Emmeline Vance quipped. “My brother didn’t walk properly until he was eighteen months!”

“And once they can walk, then it’s up to you to chase them down!” Amelia Bones crowed.

Sirius disappeared into the kitchen for a quick moment, returning with an oblong package wrapped in yellow and gold paper, topped with a red ribbon. “For Harry,” he said, presenting the package to Lily.

“Sirius!” Lily exclaimed. Harry grabbed at the package greedily. “OK, let’s open this together!” she said to him. Guiding his hands slowly, Lily and Harry opened up the package.

“Oh my gods, Sirius!” James laughed as Harry pulled out the little broomstick.

“You are barking!” Lily said.

“Well duh!” Sirius replied. “I just figured that since Prongs here is a good flyer, why not start the kid off right? Don’t worry, Lily, it only hovers about two feet up!” Harry stuck the end of the broomstick in his mouth.

But later that night, after they had returned home to London, Sirius and Alice sat by the window in the parlour, wrapped in each other’s arms. He ran his fingers through her red tresses, sighing contentedly.

“Say, that was a nice party,” he whispered.

“Harry’s going to be a handful,” Alice said. “Especially with that broomstick of yours!”

“He’s going to be a great kid.”

“Yeah.”

“If I were to have a kid, Harry’s the sort I’d want.”

Alice nodded.

“Say, Al, are you still intent on...you know...waiting?”

She scowled. “Waiting for what? You’re not suggesting we start having kids now, are you? We’re not even married yet!”

“We could...you know...speed things up a bit...you know...not wait so long to get married.”

Her face fell. “Sirius, you know that’s not possible for me right now. I’m totally committed to you, babe! Honestly! But I’m not like Alice Longbottom! I can’t do my duties as an Auror and have kids at the same time!” She pouted. “Oh honey, please understand!”

Sirius nodded. “I know,” he said, trying to mask his deep disappointment. “You make me so happy. I just want more of you.”

She giggled. “You want sex.”

“I want family, Alice! You know, there was a time when I swore I’d never father a child! I didn’t want any more of my bloodline on this earth, to be honest.”

“That’s a horrible thought!”

Sirius nodded dolefully. “I come from a horrible family! I don’t know...I mean...everything’s different now. Everything’s better. I just want to enjoy life for once and...for the first time, I really believe that I can leave a good legacy that has nothing to do with my mother.”

She kissed him deeply, stroking his arms and his back with delicate hands, making Sirius tingle with delight. He gathered her in a warm embrace, showering her with kisses and tender caresses until in one, unguarded moment, she let a moan of ecstasy escape her lips, filling the silent room.

“Damn!” she whispered, now laughing.

“See what I mean? You want it, too!” He kissed her again.

She sighed. “OK, I have an idea. How about in December?”

“Early December.”

She laughed again. “Early December.”

“Do you think your father will mind, that we moved the date up a a bit?”

She shrugged. “Probably. But I’m an adult, after all. He’ll just have to deal with it.”

* * * *

James was growing restless. True, the house was lovely and he was enjoying spending so much time with his wife and son. Friends came to visit fairly often, but not often enough for James’ taste. With Sirius back on the spy trail, James was getting a little stir-crazy. For a while everything remained stable, relatively uneventful, almost normal, allowing Sirius to think a little less about the Potters’ well-being and more about his future with Alice. 

More and more, he started to wish he hadn’t gotten himself so deeply embroiled in this whole war. Logically, it made perfect sense, and of course, Sirius knew that he had an obligation to remain deeply involved. That reality didn’t cheer him up in the slightest, and though he and Alice had decided to move up their wedding date, he contemplated whether he wanted to remain active in the war once they started a family together. Sirius rebuked himself harshly for being selfish, and in truth, he couldn’t bear to ponder his deeper reasons for wanting out. He just did.

As time passed, all too slowly for Sirius’ liking, new dangers presented themselves to the Order and more specifically, to the Potters. Sirius, Pettigrew, Moody, Kingsley and Remus were all ordered immediately to the Potters’ hiding place in Cornwall, met by an uncharacteristically stern Albus Dumbledore. He motioned for them all to sit and listen carefully. Lily bounced Harry on her knee as Dumbledore spoke.

“There is a very good possibility that Lord Voldemort knows where you are,” Dumbledore said.

“How?” James demanded.

“Who told you this?” Sirius asked.

“My source is known only to me, and for his safety, it must remain that way,” Dumbledore replied. “That being said, I’m afraid that things are going to get very bad for you very quickly, unless we take drastic measures.”

“Such as?” Lily asked. Harry gripped her by the nose and giggled. She pulled him close and kissed him on the forehead.

“The Fidelius Charm,” Dumbledore replied.

Moody frowned. “You’re right, Albus. That is pretty damn extreme.”

“Is it necessary?” Remus asked. “I only ask because...it will just change things.”

“If the Potters are to survive beyond a week, I’m afraid it’s necessary. In fact, we should get it done straightaway.”

“Here?” Pettigrew piped up. “Right this minute?”

“Actually, I believe that James and Lily should return home, that is, to Godric’s Hollow,” Dumbledore replied.

“But won’t that be the first place they’ll look once they realise they’re not here?” Pettigrew asked.

“Of course not!” Sirius said hotly. “Come on, Peter, you know how the Charm works, don’t you? Only the secret-keeper can reveal their presence, and only by their own free will. Even getting Imperiused or taking Veritaserum won’t force a secret-keeper to talk!”

“Just so,” Dumbledore replied. “And Sirius, I think it best that you are secret-keeper for them.”

“I agree,” Kingsley echoed.

“Why me?” Sirius asked, a bit troubled by the suggestion.

“Because Remus can’t, for obvious reasons, and Peter is too busy with his espionage duties. You have the freedom to do this,” Dumbledore said.

“Well if anyone is qualified,” James said confidently, “I’d say you are more than most, Padfoot.”

“Absolutely,” Lily added. Harry gurgled.

Dumbledore stood up, now motioning for everyone else to follow. “Right. I will accompany you four to the house, and the rest of you should get back to Headquarters.”

“Albus, we can take care of this on our own,” Sirius said. “In fact, it’s probably best for you not to be a part of this. Let’s keep this as clean as possible. Actually, maybe Peter can come with us. He can cast the Charm.”

“But I don’t know the Charm,” Pettigrew protested.

“I’ll talk you through it, mate,” Sirius said. “It’s not difficult. Better you than the Professor. Honestly.”

“Actually, that is a very good idea,” Kingsley commented.

Dumbledore nodded. “Right, then. It’s in your hands, Sirius.”

“We won’t fail you, sir,” Sirius replied.

“I believe you,” Dumbledore said, putting a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Very well then. Off you go.”


	48. Godric's Hollow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“I don’t think I should be your secret-keeper,” Sirius confessed._
> 
> _“That’s ridiculous!” James exclaimed, though he lowered his voice when Lily shushed him. “It’s like Albus said, you’re the best candidate!”_
> 
> _“But that’s exactly why I shouldn’t be secret-keeper!” Sirius insisted. “Remember back in the day when we used to play at wizard chess? You told me I played like a Death Eater because the Dark Lord was the one who taught me the game.”_
> 
> _“I was kidding!”_
> 
> _“No, you were right. Look, the Dark Lord always plays with a strategy, which is why he’s been so successful up to now. But I have my own strategy. I think Peter here should be secret-keeper.”_

It was as though they’d never left. After months away from the house, Sirius was sure the place would be dusty and dirty and filled with cobwebs, yet as they entered the house that night and lit a few candles, Sirius couldn’t help but stare in wonder at how pristine everything was.

“Like we never left,” James mused, clapping him on the back.

“I’m just going to put the baby down, and then we can start the Charm, alright?” Lily said, whisking Harry upstairs to his old room.

James conjured four glasses and a bottle of Old Ogdens firewhiskey, pouring some out for each of them.

“Liquid courage, right?” he smirked.

Sirius downed his and poured himself more, though Pettigrew didn’t touch his own glass. By then, Lily had returned, looking tired but content.

“It feels so good to be back,” she said, downing her own whiskey and pouring more. “Natural.”

Sirius laughed. “Say, Potter, you can really pound it down!”

Lily shrugged. “One of the many lessons I learned at Hogwarts,” she said flippantly.

“And who taught you that?” Sirius asked with a laugh.

“Your fiancee!”

“Say, you guys,” Sirius went on, how hesitant to say more. “I had...sort of an idea.”

“Wow!” James crowed. “First time for everything!”

Sirius flipped him the finger and scowled. “Oh ha ha. No, really, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking since we left Cornwall.”

“Oh you mean an hour ago?” James quipped.

Sirius frowned, ignoring James’ mirth. “Yeah.” His face fell.

Lily eyed him suspiciously. “What is it?” James opened his mouth to crack another joke, but a fierce glare from Lily quickly shut him up.

“I don’t think I should be your secret-keeper,” Sirius confessed.

“That’s ridiculous!” James exclaimed, though he lowered his voice when Lily shushed him. “It’s like Albus said, you’re the best candidate!”

“But that’s exactly why I shouldn’t be secret-keeper!” Sirius insisted. “Remember back in the day when we used to play at wizard chess? You told me I played like a Death Eater because the Dark Lord was the one who taught me the game.”

“I was kidding!”

“No, you were right. Look, the Dark Lord always plays with a strategy, which is why he’s been so successful up to now. But I have my own strategy. I think Peter here should be secret-keeper.”

“Me?” Pettigrew said, aghast at the suggestion. The colour drained from his face.

“That’s ridiculous!” James said, equally aghast.

“No! It’s perfect,” Sirius argued. “Look at it this way, everyone knows that you and I are best friends...no offence, Peter.”

Pettigrew shrugged. “None taken. I know you guys are close.”

“So naturally, you would choose your best friend to be your secret-keeper. It’s a natural move that the Dark Lord will anticipate.”

Lily frowned. “But doesn’t that put you into greater danger?”

“Peter, I don’t want to sound like a jerk…”

James laughed. “You can’t help it.”

“JAMES!” Lily snapped.

“I...just don’t think you’re up to facing him down, and if he knew you were his secret-keeper, you have no idea what you’d be up against. Look, Peter, it’s nothing personal or anything, I mean, most people couldn’t go up against him. But I’ve already been there with him, and I’ve already been through the Cruciatus curse, so I know how to handle it.”

“But why wouldn’t Peter get Crucioed?” James asked, puzzled by Sirius’ logic.

“Because he would never suspect that James would pick Peter as secret-keeper,” Sirius replied. “I know it sounds terrible, Peter, but it’s true.”

“Because you don’t think we’re as close?” James asked.

“No. Because he knows that a wizard like James Potter would pick the wizard with the most powerful magic from amongst his friends, and I’m sorry, but that’s not Peter.”

James blushed and looked away. “So you mean you’re trying to trump him?”

“Exactly. Look, once he realises it’s not me, he’ll say it might be Dumbledore or Kingsley or Moody, or even Arthur Weasley. Peter is the best choice because he won’t be at the top of the Dark Lord’s list of suspects!” He looked over at a glum, downcast Peter. “I’m sorry, mate. I don’t mean to trample on your feelings, but we don’t have time for anything but total bluntness.”

“I’ll do it,” Pettigrew replied quietly. “Listen, Sirius, it’s okay. You’re right, I mean, I probably am the very last person he’d think of! I mean, so I did learn to be an Animagus really quick but that was just a fluke! I’m not insulted.”

“James? Lily? Is this okay with you?”

They looked at each other. James placed a strong hand on hers and kissed her on the cheek. She nodded.

“Yeah,” she uttered softly.

“Let’s do it,” James said.

* * * *

There were rules, of course, to this whole enterprise. Pettigrew had to keep a low profile now, and though he didn’t need to go into hiding as James and Lily did, he was fiercely instructed by Sirius to be very careful and to go out only when needed. Pettigrew nodded, said he understood, and promised that he would do everything in his power to protect his friends.

The choice did make Sirius nervous. He knew it was controversial and that Dumbledore would likely have strongly disapproved of this twist. True, it was a risk to do things this way--Sirius understood that all too well. At the same time, he felt sure that this would buy James and Lily some extra time. Undoubtedly, the Dark Lord’s search for his prophesied enemy would be curtailed by battle, and Sirius felt fairly confident that his plan would work out in the long run.

Thus, as Halloween approached, everyone at headquarters got very busy. Word was out that James and Lily Potter had disappeared and that You-Know-Who had dispatched teams of Death Eaters to ferret them out. Among those searching for the Potters were Bellatrix Lestrange, Lucius Malfoy and Igor Karkaroff, a relatively new recruit to their ranks. They had found the cottage at Cornwall, but after ransacking it, found nothing whatsoever of any of the Potters. Their next stop was Lily’s childhood home, however, the residents of the place didn’t know any Lily Potter or her husband and son.

Kingsley laughed at that. “Stupid Death Eaters,” he said sarcastically one day, setting down a scroll containing the plans of their next move against the Death Eaters.

“What?” Remus asked. He busied himself pouring over a different stack of parchments for the impending battle.

“After James and Lily went back home, Albus and I went to the Evans home. We modified their memories so that they believe they only have one daughter, Petunia. We also removed any image or memory of Lily’s presence in that house.”

Sirius crinkled his nose. “That seems awfully cruel. What about the neighbours?”

“It’s all done. No flaws in the plan, no chance of a cockup. It was a necessary measure, I’m afraid, but it’s for their own protection, and for Petunia’s, too. I hope there will be a time when we can lift the memory charm so they can reunite with Lily.”

“Say, I heard the Vances are having a big party at their house!” Sirius piped up, eager to change the subject to something a little more cheerful.

“I’m going as a muggle,” Kingsley said. “I even bought a pair of muggle jeans!”

“So it’s fancy dress then?” Remus asked, winking at Sirius. “Maybe I’ll go as a werewolf!”

Sirius laughed. “Say, I’ll just transform into a dog! Built-in costume!”

“Sure! And if Minerva transforms into a cat, you can chase her around all night!” Remus said.

Sirius made a face at that. “Nah. I’d rather dance all night with Alice. I’ll let someone else chase Professor McGonagall around.”

“But is it safe for you to go to this party?” Remus asked. “I mean, with you as secret-keeper, shouldn’t you sort of stay out of the limelight a bit?”

Sirius chuckled. “I got it covered, mate. No worries!”

He needed that party, in fact, more than he realised. Things had been so busy and so frantic, especially these days, so Sirius jumped at even the slightest chance of a good time. Sure it was just a night, but as Halloween approached, he grew more and more eager to go wild, dance like crazy, lose himself in the party atmosphere. He found it nearly impossible to sleep, too. His dreams were frantic, unexpectedly troubling, dark and gloomy and violent. Sirius couldn’t understand himself just then, as if his excitement for the party had somehow mistranslated itself into a strange angst.

And yet…

A few nights later, as Sirius slumbered in his bed, restlessly dreaming of his motorbike, he suddenly felt a warm body curling up against his. For a quick, terrifying moment, thoughts of Janis Nott danced in his head, but of course, that was just silly.

“Hey,” Alice whispered in his ear. She slipped her hands under his nightshirt and massaged his bare back.

“Say, aren’t we not supposed to be in bed together yet?” He wrapped his arms around her and held her close, kissing her forehead.

She giggled. “About that.”

“What?”

“I...I sort of had an idea about that.”

Sirius sat up, unsure of what she was about to say. He hoped she wasn’t going to break up with him or push their wedding date back again. Sirius bit his lip nervously and waited for her to speak.

“It’s just...I don’t think I can wait,” she confessed.

Sirius hardly knew what to say. “So you want to move the date...up?”

Alice grinned. “I was thinking maybe when we go to Emmeline’s Halloween party tomorrow might, maybe we can sort of slip away and...elope.”

“Oh my gods!” Sirius murmured, elated. “You mean it? Halloween? For real?”

“Hey, let’s apparate somewhere really exotic, like Hawaii or Fiji or something! Just you and me on a beach somewhere, getting married.”

“I do!” Sirius crowed. “I love you, Alice Bones. Say, do you think it’s proper for the husband to take his wife’s last name?”

Alice stuck out her lip in an exaggerated pout. “I was hoping to take yours!”

Sirius laughed. “Okay, let’s swap! I’ll be Sirius Bones and you’ll be Alice Black!”

“Or we could hyphenate. Some people are doing that these days.”

“Bones-Black?”

Alice scowled. “Okay, I guess not. Doesn’t sound too good.”

“What do you think your father will say?” Sirius asked, suddenly worried that Mr. Bones would become angry with them. After all, he’d been more than kind to Sirius, practically adopting him as his own. Would he feel betrayed?

“I’ll take care of Daddy, so don’t worry about him. He has to know that waiting so long just isn’t reasonable. He’ll get over it. You know he loves you like a son, so I think he’ll be able to forgive you.”

Sirius scowled. “I don’t know, I mean, after all, I’m a Black. We don’t get forgiven to easily. Then again, we don’t exactly deserve it. You know how people are. They don’t want to give a guy like me a chance because of my stupid family.”

She snuggled up to him and smiled serenely. “You know that’s not true. Plus, you’re different from the rest of your family. You’re normal.”

“I just hope your father sees it the same way.”

At breakfast the next morning, Sirius couldn’t help but feel a sharp twinge of guilt as Mr. Bones chatted to him about the news, the war, the holiday, the party. Sirius said little, letting Mr. Bones and Alice do most of the talking whilst he sat and listened and continued to feel just a little bit bad. All the same, the sudden prospect of getting married within just a few hours gave Sirius new hope and joy. Everything he wanted was now so close yet so far, and he couldn’t help but hate everyone and everything around them that stood between him and his wedding.

The day passed like most, yet cruelly slowly. At headquarters, Sirius had to endure three excruciatingly long meetings with Moody, Kingsley and Dumbledore, all talking about a potentially new threat, this time against Hogwarts.

“Death Eaters suspect that the Potters are hiding in the school,” Dumbledore explained. “And thus, they have been moving into Hogsmeade slowly. This new presence there has made everyone uneasy, as there are several paths into the school.”

“But those have been sealed up, right, sir?” Sirius asked.

“We haven’t seen a need to as of yet. It would be foolhardy for them simply to infiltrate the school like that, that is, without an entire plan to seize power there.”

“Is that a possibility, Albus?” Kingsley asked.

“All my information tells me that there is no such plan as of now, however, we can’t be too careful,” he replied. “Sirius, tomorrow I want you to come to the school so we can go over some details together regarding any potential weakness in our structure, or any place you believe Voldemort might penetrate.”

Sirius blanched. “Tomorrow, sir?”

“Is that a problem?”

“Well no...I mean...that is...no. It’s fine.” Surely Alice could wait a day?

Dumbledore eyed him carefully, but Sirius looked away.

“We can wait a few days, Sirius,” he said, sensing Sirius’ unease.

“I would actually appreciate that, sir.”

* * * *

Everyone was there, dancing, drinking, talking, singing. Sirius and Alice couldn’t help but laugh at all the crazy costumes--Amazon queens, muggles, sheep, knights, and several Merlins. One wizard dressed up as Professor Dumbledore and another dressed up as a vampire. Alice dressed as a bride, which made Sirius more than a bit nervous.

“Isn’t it back luck to see the bride in her gown before the service?” he had asked her as she swirled about in his bedroom, wearing her sparkling white organza gown.

Alice laughed. “I didn’t know you were so superstitious, Sirius!” she crowed. “Just saving a bit of time, you know?”

He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. “I might just have to rip this off you before we do things properly,” he purred.

She laughed and pulled herself away. “Behave yourself! You’ll get to rip this off soon enough!”

At the party, Sirius felt a little boing--he had only worn his dress robes, telling everyone that his costume was a secret agent.

“Well, they’re supposed to look like anyone, right?” he reasoned.

Emmeline laughed. “True, though at a party like this, you do tend to stand out!”

Soon they were joined by Dorcas Meadowes, drink in one hand, cigarette in the other.

“Got an extra fag, Dorcas?” Emmeline asked.

“Allow me,” Sirius said, pulling out his wand. With a flick, one cigarette became two. 

“Oh, none for you?” Emmeline said, taking the proffered cigarette.

“Nah. It’ll interfere with the heavy breathing I’m planning for later with Alice,” he replied coolly.

“Say, speaking of that...well, not really,” Dorcas piped up. “I heard that Severus Snape is a professor at Hogwarts!”

“WHAT?” Sirius bellowed. “Is Professor Dumbledore out of his mind, hiring a Death Eater?” He blanched, suddenly remembering Dumbledore’s concerns for the school’s security. “I don’t get it! Why would he hire someone he knows can compromise the entire school like that?”

Dorcas shrugged. “I suppose he has his reasons. Maybe Sev isn’t a Death Eater any more.”

Sirius scowled at that. “That’s not possible. You don’t just stop being a Death Eater. Gods! The prat probably spun some pathetic tale of deepest woe, just to get on Dumbledore’s soft side. I can’t believe the Professor would fall for such rubbish!”

A slightly drunk Sturgis Podmore staggered over to the little group, followed by Alice, still looking bright in her lovely swirling gown.

“Alice, you look great,” Emmeline said, grinning widely. “You two should run off together! After all, you’re dressed for the part!”

Alice giggled. “Maybe we should!” She stroked Sirius’ arm affectionately.

“Yes!” Dorcas exclaimed. “Otherwise you two are going to do it right here in the middle of the party!” 

“Well we’d take a room,” Sirius quipped. “After all, I do value my privacy.”

Sturgis belched loudly. “Say, mate, what was Peter Pettigrew doing at Knockturn Alley yesterday?”

“What?” Alice gasped. “You saw him there?”

“You’re sure?” Dorcas asked. “I mean, he wasn’t just standing next to it?”

Sturgis swooned on his feet a bit. “Well maybe, but it looked like he was coming out of there.”

“It’s a free country, Podmore,” Emmeline reasoned. “And Peter has been doing work for the Order that has placed him in proximity with some pretty bad people. Maybe he was just returning from a mission.”

“True,” Alice said. “It’s amazing how well he’s come along since we were all kids. Remember what a lump he used to be?”

“I know!” Emmeline agreed. “It’s so great to see someone like him mature and become such a valuable spy for us! I wonder what he was doing this time?”

Sturgis shrugged and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “Who knows? I suppose Albus knows.”

Sirius could say nothing, a violent pain gnawing at the pit of his stomach. As hard as he struggled to keep his cool, he found it nearly impossible. He knew all too well that he needed to get straight to Pettigrew’s house, just to be sure the little rat was still there and behaving himself. Sirius nudged Alice to step away with him for a moment, taking her over to a private corner of the room.

“Listen, honey, I need to run a very quick errand,” he whispered.

“But shouldn’t we go in a few minutes? I’ve already found us a vicar in Fiji!”

“I shouldn’t be more than about an hour, alright?”

She frowned. “What’s up, Sirius? You’re not getting cold feet are you?”

“No! Of course not! It’s just that something came up that I have to take care of.”

“It’s not Peter, is it? Sirius, he’s fine!”

Sirius shook his head. “Look, I can’t explain this. I just have to go. Honestly, I’ll just be an hour, alright?” He turned quickly, and without giving her a kiss, he dashed out the door, disapparating straight to the home of Peter Pettigrew.


	49. Ruin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In a flash, Sirius dashed from the house and apparated straight to the edge of Godric’s Hollow. The air felt dead, forbiddingly icy just then, and suddenly, Sirius saw it. Towers of smoke billowing upward cruelly, choking the sky in black turrets. He wanted to fall to his knees, but the small hope that the family had somehow escaped from this horror prompted Sirius to run as fast as he could to the scene._
> 
> _But it was all too late._
> 
> _“Oh gods!” he bellowed, his heart torn apart and crushed. “NO! Please NO!”_

The little house was quiet. Way too quiet. One candle lit up the small den, and upon entering, Sirius could see that until very recently, someone was home.

“Peter!” he hissed. Nothing. Sirius crept down the narrow hallway to the bedroom, now using wand to light his path. “Peter!” he hissed again, a little louder this time. Again, nothing.

A harsh chill washed through Sirius’ body, making him tremble inside and out. The bathroom was empty as well, as was the closet, the wardrobe and the kitchenette. He worried. Perhaps the Dark Lord had caught onto him, had him stalked and ambushed and horribly killed. Yet there was no sign of struggle here, no evidence of any sort of violence. Only a teacup, a half-full glass of water and...a pear, cut into perfectly even sections, peeled with surgical precision. Sirius’ blood ran cold.

The only person he knew who ate pears was the Dark Lord. The only person he knew to prepare his fruit so assiduously, so obsessively, was the Dark Lord. Sirius suddenly found it nearly impossible to breathe.

“Oh gods!” he whispered. “What have I done?”

There was only one thing to do, one last chance to hope they were still alive. In a flash, Sirius dashed from the house and apparated straight to the edge of Godric’s Hollow. The air felt dead, forbiddingly icy just then, and suddenly, Sirius saw it. Towers of smoke billowing upward cruelly, choking the sky in black turrets. He wanted to fall to his knees, but the small hope that the family had somehow escaped from this horror prompted Sirius to run as fast as he could to the scene.

But it was all too late.

“Oh gods!” he bellowed, his heart torn apart and crushed. “NO! Please NO!”

A crowd of muggles swarmed around the place, all chattering excitedly at this dreadful scene, all wondering how the house had been blown apart just like that, with so much violence. They wondered, too, at the gargantuan bearded man who seemingly had appeared out of nowhere, single-handedly pulling the smouldering ruins apart in his frantic search for survivors. Sirius broke through the crowd, too angry and sickened to do anything other than help Hagrid in the ruins.

“Get out of here, Black!” Hagrid growled.

“No! Are they here? Are they alright?”

“Sirius, you shouldn't be seein this.”

But both men stopped at the sound of a child’s cry...Harry!

“Les get him outta there!” Hagrid shouted. 

Together, they dug and dug their way into the remains, frantically calling Harry’s name until finally, after several terrifying minutes, Sirius spotted the child, lying on the floor of what once was a lovely little nursery, wailing and screaming in fright and confusion. Sirius was able to squirm down into the space, where he stooped down to lift Harry out and hand him off to Hagrid.  
 “Careful! It looks like he’s hurt! His face is cut!” Sirius called out, now crawling out of the space. “Hagrid, where are Lily and James? I know they wouldn’t just leave Harry like this! Where are they?”

Hagrid shook his head, his beetle-black eyes now flooded with sloppy tears. “I don’t want you ter see em, Sirius! Is no good lookin at tha! It’s too much!”

But that wasn’t good enough for Sirius. He broke away from Hagrid and ran out into the back garden, stopping in his tracks at the sight...two bodies laid out next to each other, covered by a blue blanket. He could see the bottom of James’ shoe, the ones he just bought three months ago by owl post. Lily said that the shoes squeaked so much they sounded like they were farting.

For a moment, Sirius thought he might faint at the sight of his friends, lying dead on the green grass. Nothing could help him understand what he was looking at. His friends’ beautiful house blown to bits, their child’s sweet face slashed and injured, and Lily and James…

It was too much. Sirius sank to his knees and sobbed, howling and wailing like an injured animal. “Oh gods!” he bellowed. “This is all my fault! Oh gods, help me!” Wracked with grief, all Sirius could do was pound the ground with his fists, shrieking with new tears. A wave of nausea tore through him as he gasped for breath.

A weeping Hagrid knelt next to him, now cradling the still crying Harry. Sirius took Harry from Hagrid’s arms, holding him close and safe.

“Shh, baby, it’s okay,” he whispered. He wished it were true, but he knew it wasn’t. “Hagrid, we have to get Harry out of here. Death Eaters could return and finish him off. You know they’re after him!”

Hagrid nodded. “But les wait for Perfessor Dumbledore to get here. Shouldn’t be mor’n a minute or so. He can…”

“No! I can’t wait! Look, I’m Harry’s godfather, and he’s my responsibility now,” Sirius replied adamantly. “Hagrid, can you do me a huge favour?”

“Whas tha?”

“Take him to headquarters in London for me. Tell everyone what happened and make sure Harry is looked after. Please, Hagrid!”

“But…”

“I have a little business to conduct,” Sirius seethed bitterly. 

“How bout you take ‘im…”

“No, Hagrid! I’m going on a mission! I am going to find Peter Pettigrew and I’m going to bloody KILL HIM!”

“Sirius!” Hagrid shouted. “He’s your friend!”

“NO! He’s a rotten stinking TRAITOR and I am going to make damn well sure that he’s DEAD!”

“Sirius, this is madness! You won’t get away with it! They’ll chuck you in Azkaban!”

“Look this place, Hagrid! Look at my friends! Peter is responsible for this and he’s going to pay with his LIFE!” Sirius sighed, squaring his shoulders. “I don’t know how long this will take, but once I’m done, I’ll get Harry and take him far away from all this.”

“Sirius…”

“Please, Hagrid! I’m begging you! Please take him to headquarters! Use the motorbike if you need transport! It’s charmed to fly. I’ll be back as soon as I can!”

Hagrid paused, but then he nodded.

“Thank you, Hagrid.” And then he was gone, disapparated.

* * * *

Finding Peter Pettigrew could be a daunting task. The filthy rat could be anywhere in England, though Sirius somehow doubted that he would be in London. Then again, perhaps someone like Pettigrew would prefer to hide in plain view and so, Sirius apparated directly to London, right into the centre of Hyde Park. He could feel it in his veins, that Pettigrew was near. Sirius looked all around, sensing his presence somewhere nearby.

Sirius looked one way, then the other, and suddenly, he knew where he was. He saw a familiar tree, a patch of red flowers that had been in place for ages, ever since he was a little boy growing up at nearby Grimmauld Place. But would Pettigrew be stupid enough to go somewhere so obvious? Probably. After all, Sirius reasoned, Peter might be a sneak and a traitor, but he was still pretty thickheaded. His wand out, gripped tightly, Sirius strode with purpose to the edge of Hyde Park, finally making it to the pavement. No Pettigrew. Only muggles.

“Where are you, you bastard?” Sirius growled to himself.

He passed pubs, shops, all sorts of muggle businesses, all his senses geared towards finding Pettigrew once and for all. Still no sign. Sirius walked and walked, surprised at how crowded the streets were at such a late hour. Then again, this was Halloween, and he surmised that muggles celebrated the holiday as well.

And then…

Just ahead, just beyond a group of muggles exiting a disco...yes...there he was. Sirius rushed forward, propelled by fury and grief and hatred. He couldn’t feel the ground as he ran, couldn’t see any other person than Pettigrew, who quickly turned to face him as Sirius closed in on him.

“YOU!” Sirius raged.

Quick as a flash, Pettigrew had his wand out. “YOU KILLED LILY AND JAMES! YOU KILLED LILY AND JAMES!” he shouted back.

“YOU’RE DEAD, PETTIGREW!” Sirius roared. The muggles looked at him with alarm and fright.

Sirius moved to throw the Avada Kedavra curse at him, but in the next flash, the ground exploded, sending chunks of the pavement flying everywhere like missiles. Everyone nearby screamed with terror as the glass windows of the pub shattered and, to Sirius’ horror, all those muggles that stood between them, innocently chatting, lay dead in a bloody heap.

But where was Pettigrew?

Another flash of white light rushed down like lightening--an entire crew of Aurors apparated, rushing over to the awful scene. Sirius stood there shaking, fuming that Pettigrew had somehow escaped in the middle of the melee.

“He’s gone! I don’t bloody believe it!” Sirius babbled. “I had him and he’s gone!”

But instead of answering him or asking questions, four of the Aurors, none of whom Sirius knew, grabbed him by the arms and held him back whilst the others examined the scene. A huge crowd had gathered, and by now, muggle police and emergency services had arrived, sirens wailing, lights flashing. People were shouting, crying, screaming, pointing at the strange man in the Goth robes pointing what looked like a magic wand. They told stories of the other man who seemed to disintegrate so that all that was left of him was a single finger.

“Sirius Black,” one Auror said, “you’re coming with us.”

* * * *

He couldn’t understand it. They should have escorted him to headquarters or at least to the Auror Office at the Ministry. After all, Sirius was working with Aurors closely, was engaged to marry an Auror in a mere few hours. They knew who he was, that he was on their side. They should have been glad he was out to kill Pettigrew, relieved that he had taken the risk of doing such a deed. But instead…

Azkaban.

Still reeling from the loss of his dearest friends, still enraged by the betrayal of Pettigrew, Sirius hardly knew what to say as they arrived there, still holding him by the arms. He struggled a bit, then a bit more the closer they got to the battlements, but the more he struggled against them, the harder they pushed him. It suddenly dawned on him that this wasn’t a joke or a mistake--they fully intended to take him there and leave him there. Sirius’ heart raced, pounding in his throat.

“What are you doing?” he asked frantically. “Why are we here?”

An extremely large, extremely fierce-looking Auror with almost white eyes glared at him. “You’re under arrest, you bloody Death Eater!”

No! That couldn’t be right! Sirius tried again to get out of their grasp, but by now, they were sick of him. The big Auror pushed him so hard Sirius fell to the stone path, scraping his knees. Before he could recover from the fall the Auror had jerked him back to his feet. They gripped his arms even tighter now as Sirius struggled even harder.

“No! This is a big mistake! You can’t believe that! You can’t believe I’m a Death Eater!” he shouted.

“Shut up and get inside!” the Auror bellowed. “I’d like to kill you myself, but I won’t let a bastard piece of crap like you get me sacked!”

“No! No, you can’t! This is wrong!” Sirius protested, and when the Aurors finally put him in a body bind, he struggled violently against even that, shouting and hollering at the top of his lungs. 

The battlements opened with a screeching croak, admitting the Aurors and the new prisoner of Azkaban. From the first moment he entered, Sirius felt the deathly chill of the Dementors’ presence there, threatening to suck out all the life from his soul. He shuddered and trembled as the colour drained from his face. Inside the prison, they shuttled him to a stone grey room with only a table and three chairs. Throwing Sirius onto one of the chairs, the Aurors stepped aside as two Law Enforcement officers entered, ready to interrogate him. One of them Sirius recognised immediately as the father of one of Regulus’ friends, Barty Crouch. He wondered whether the father knew the son was a Death Eater.

“Now then,” Crouch began, “let us come to order. Sirius Black, you are under arrest for the murder of Peter Pettigrew.”

“He’s not dead!” Sirius snapped viciously. “He disapparated!”

“He is dead,” Crouch replied. Sirius couldn’t help but notice how collected the man was, how cold and officious and businesslike. He reminded Sirius of Mrs. Black on some level. “And there are several witnesses who have already given sworn statements to us. You also told your plan to one Rubeus Hagrid before you arrived. Do you deny this?”

What could Sirius say? His arms were bruised and sore from the rough treatment he’d already received, but he was willing to forgive and forget so long as they saw reason.

“Peter Pettigrew killed my friends!” he roared.

“No, you did,” Crouch replied grimly. “You were heard at the scene saying this was all your fault. You tipped off You-Know-Who and you killed Peter Pettigrew. Are you saying that all these people are somehow wrong?”

“They have the wrong idea! I mean yes, I was going to point my wand at Pettigrew, but he had already blown up those muggles and disapparated!”

“There is no sign that he disapparated.”

“Well then he…” But Sirius stopped. No one but a very few opal knew they were Animagi, and he wasn’t so sure he could keep his own status a secret if he revealed Pettigrew’s.

“Yes?”

“He...he must have apparated! Maybe he Disillusioned himself! That’s possible, right?”

Crouch leaned forward pompously, meeting Sirius’ nervous eyes with his own. “Would you like to know what he found of Mr. Pettigrew?”

“What? A written confession?”

“A finger. One finger. That is all. Now then, Mr. Black, there is a stack of evidence against you a mile high,” Crouch said. “Going back to eyewitness reports of you and Lucius Malfoy sharing a very public display of affection.”

“That was ages ago! And it was nonconsensual! Besides, Malfoy was too busy screwing my brother!”

“Yes, about Regulus,” Crouch went on. “There is evidence to suggest that you had a hand in his disappearance, that he had decided to leave the Death Eaters and you plotted against him.”

Sirius could only throw up his hands in total exasperation. “Where are you getting all this? Anyone at Hogwarts, ANYONE, will tell you that I did all I could to prevent him from joining the Death Eaters!”

“That may be what you wanted people to think,” Crouch replied. “You do, however, have a long record of physical violence. Did you not beat another student nearly to death?”

“Severus? I beat him up but I didn’t get anywhere near killing the prat!”

Crouch raised an eyebrow. “And if others hadn’t pulled you off him?”

Sirius hesitated. It was true that he wouldn’t have minded killing Severus back then, but of course, that was long ago. “Look, I know I had some scrapes back then, but I’m no Death Eater! Ask my mother! I was kicked out of the family when I rejected the Dark Lord! She even burned my name off the family tree!”

Crouch nodded. “Curious choice of words. The Dark Lord. No one but Death Eaters call him that.”

“That’s not true! Besides, that’s all I’ve ever known him as! It’s not my fault I was raised by a pack of wolves!”

“Mr. Black, I am giving you a chance not only to confess to your crimes, but to offer us information that will help our efforts to…”

“You stupid man, what do you think I’ve been doing for the last several months? I’ve been working with the Order of the Phoenix! I’ve been spying for them! I’ve been feeding them information for ages!”

“I know nothing of that,” Crouch said dismissively. “What I do know, Mr. Black, is that you are to be confined to Azkaban for the rest of your natural life, starting today.”

Horrified, Sirius looked to the others in the room, but all they gave him were cold stares. “Don’t I get a trial? Don’t I get a lawyer?”

“You are no ordinary criminal, Mr. Black. You are an enemy combatant, and as such, you have no rights.” Crouch nodded to the Aurors. “Take him.” With that, he got up, and without a further glance at Sirius, nor another word, strode out of the room.

“No no no no no no,” Sirius whispered. He sat far back in his chair as if that could somehow create a greater distance from the advancing Aurors. “No no no no NO NO NO NO!” he started bellowing. “Please let me explain! I didn’t kill anyone! Peter Pettigrew isn’t dead! You must listen to me!”

But without a further word, the Aurors bound his hands painfully behind his back and roughly shoved him out of the room, now being guided down narrow, freezing stone corridors, up craggy stairs, going farther and farther into dank darkness until finally, they arrived at a plain steel door. With a wave of his wand, the guard opened the door--no light whatsoever emitted from the cramped, stark cell. With another wave of the wand, the guard loosened Sirius’ hands, and with another shove, he cast Sirius into the cell, slammed the door shut, locked it and went away.

Frantic, Sirius pounded on the door again and again, bellowing for someone anyone to let him out. This couldn’t be happening! This had to be a nightmare! Surely, Lily and James were safely at home, playing with Harry, playing at gobstones into the wee hours of the morning. Surely he was actually on Fiji, warm and safe in his bed with his beautiful wife, making passionate love to her, delighting in her moans of ecstasy. Yes, that was it. That was reality. Not this. Not Azkaban.


	50. Epilogue: The Prisoner of Azkaban

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Twelve years._
> 
> _Twelve years in hell. Twelve years with little light, no love, few visitors other than some Ministry official or an Auror or Crouch and one day, the Minister for Magic._

Twelve years.

Twelve years in hell. Twelve years with little light, no love, few visitors other than some Ministry official or an Auror or Crouch and one day, the Minister for Magic.

Sirius had been heavily guarded at Azkaban, with extra Dementors placed near his cell, just to be safe. The other prisoners had been told what everyone else was told, that Sirius Black was a murderer, a traitor and a Death Eater, responsible for destroying the lives of far too many, including young Harry Potter. 

Sirius often thought of Harry, wondered how the child was. With little news from the outside, he had no idea where Harry was or how his childhood had passed. He heard vague rumours that Harry had been raised by Petunia and Vernon, something which made Sirius a bit uneasy. He hadn’t quite gotten over James’ jokes at Vernon’s expense, so it troubled Sirius to think that such a man could possibly raise such an extraordinary boy as Harry. He had heard brief news of Frank Longbottom’s attack and torture, as well as that of his wife, Alice.

But what of Alice Bones? That, Sirius never discovered. He hoped she had married, had children, built a life for herself. So often he’d thought that if he could, he’d like to escape this terrible place, find Alice and throw himself at her feet, begging her forgiveness for running off like that. True, he had run off in the service of his friends, but all the same, he felt certain that she hadn’t been given the true story. She, along with everyone else, likely thought Sirius was a Death Eater as well. The thought brought him such misery that there were days where he thought he might lose what little was left of his sanity.

Sirius had changed physically whilst in prison all these years. Once so young and robust and handsome, he had become little more than a ghost of his former self, a trapped, half mad wraith. The cell was cold and the food was colder--Sirius had lost his memory of warmth or heat. Everything he touched turned to frost, or so it seemed. No one spoke to him.

How did he get himself into this situation? How had it all come to this? What had he done to deserve this? He had been betrayed in so many ways, abused and cast out more often than he cared to remember. But Sirius had loved, too. He loved James and Lily so much, and he loved Remus and Alice and Cecilia, too. He had even grown to love Moody just a little, and he loved his godson, Harry. For Harry, he would have done nearly anything.

The Minister’s visit that day wasn’t so unusual. Every two years, he came to Azkaban to inspect the prisoners, talk to the wardens and guards, and to be sure the Dementors were doing their jobs. When he arrived at Sirius’ cell, the Minister gave him an indifferent stare.

“I remember your mother and father,” he said simply. “You were told of your mother’s passing, were you not?”

That news sent a combination of shock and joy through Sirius. “No, Minister. No one told me a thing. You made my day.”

The Minister frowned. “That’s not a very nice way of talking of one’s mother.”

“My mother wasn’t a very nice person.” Sirius eyed a newspaper under the Minister’s arm. “Sir, may a prisoner ask you a small favour?”

“Now now, Mr. Black, if you are going to ask about an early release…”

“No, sir! Just your newspaper. I...I used to like to work crossword puzzles and it’s been a long time.”

The Minister chuckled at that. “I suppose that’s alright.” He handed Sirius the paper and a pencil. “One across is ‘manticore.’”

Sirius forced a smirk. “Say, sir, are there still manticores at Malfoy Manor?”

He shook his head. “After You-Know-Who’s death, we took all dark objects, including manticores, away from places like Malfoy Manor.”

“My brother and I used to throw rocks at it. I guess that wasn’t very nice.”

“Manticores are vicious creatures. I don’t know what possessed Abraxas Malfoy to acquire those horrid things.” The Minister smiled lightly and stepped back, out of the cell and into the corridor.

“Thanks for the paper, Minister,” Sirius said. “May I have the door partly open so I can read it?”

“I think so. With the Dementors out here, I think we can trust that you will stay put.”

Trust indeed.

Sirius hadn’t held a newspaper since his arrest twelve years ago, yet it felt so natural, so normal that for the first time in years, he felt good...almost. Lead story about quidditch, about tax hikes in Diagon Alley, goblin feuds with Gringott’s shareholders...and what was this?

Sirius hadn’t seen Arthur or Molly Weasley in ages, and he’d never met any of their children before. Yet there they all where, smiling and waving in a picture taken in Egypt--the family was able to travel there with gold Arthur had recently won in a contest. Nice for them, Sirius thought. He started to turn the page, still in search of the crossword puzzle, but he stopped. What was this?

On the shoulder of one of the boys, Ronald, perched a big fat pet rat. At first, Sirius dismissed it as a coincidence. After all, rats were common. Who was to say this was anything other than a regular rat? But it was the missing toe that caught Sirius’ eye. He read the story, in which he learned, to his alarm, that this Ronald Weasley was very close friends with Harry Potter.

“My gods,” Sirius whispered. “He’s at Hogwarts.”

He couldn’t get it out of his mind. Images of Pettigrew haunted his dreams, prompting a troubled Sirius even to mutter in his sleep, “he’s at Hogwarts.” He was sure the Dementors heard him but Sirius didn’t care. He had to do something, but what? All he knew at this point was that he had to be strong. After all, Harry’s life was at stake so long as he was anywhere near Peter Pettigrew. Who cared whether the Dark Lord was gone? Pettigrew could easily betray Harry and hand him over to someone else, perhaps someone more powerful than the Dark Lord himself.

And who knew? Maybe he wasn’t really dead at all. It was very likely that the Dark Lord had somehow managed to avoid even that, and of course if that were true, then surely Pettigrew would be there for him. After all, Sirius remembered hearing stories of ways in which one could prolong ones life--many of these stories came from his mother, but some came from the Dark Lord himself. Who was to say that he hadn’t somehow devised a way of keeping alive, waiting only for the perfect moment to reclaim his body? Knowing the Dark Lord, Sirius surmised that this was possible. All the more reason to get to Harry immediately, to do what he should have done twelve years ago...to kill Peter Pettigrew.

But how?

It would mean escape, naturally. Crouch had made it clear that, with no rights of his own, there was no way that anyone was going to simply let Sirius Black out of prison any time soon, yet if he stalled any longer, then the chance of Harry being injured or killed grew much stronger. No one would care or even believe his story of fearing for Harry’s life, and in fact, Sirius surmised, people would likely believe that he was out to kill Harry himself. No, he had to act, now.

Sirius spent the next three days, cross-legged on the floor of his cell, summoning up every last shred of mental and emotional strength he could muster. The process was arduous, grueling, almost cruel, yet it gave him a focus. Though his body and his mind were weak from his long imprisonment, his spirit remained strong, fueled mainly by his belief in his own innocence. Sirius hoped that would be enough to summon what he needed. By the end of the third day, Sirius thought he might have just enough strength to transform into a dog. His first four attempts didn’t work, to his bitter frustration, but on his fifth try, he made it.

Thank the gods the guards had neglected to lock his cell as they delivered the night’s meals. As a dog Sirius nudged the door open with his paws, carefully creeping out into the corridor. The same four Dementors stood guard, yet for the first time, gave no reaction to Sirius’ presence there whatsoever. Heartened by this development, Sirius made his way down the corridors, down staircases, not knowing entirely where he was heading, yet sure that he would eventually find the exit.

A thin stream of light on the floor ended up being his guide as Sirius reached the ground floor. Light could only mean outdoors, and outdoors could only mean freedom. With a thrill in his heart, Sirius headed towards that saving light, and for the first time in twelve years, stepping out into the fresh summer air. The feeling was so wonderful, so thrilling that for a moment, Sirius feared he might transform into himself. But no. This was for Harry. He had to concentrate.

Sirius crossed the courtyard quickly, not knowing whether anyone could detect him there. He knew the Dementors couldn’t, but if the warden or the other guards were at all around, they could spot him in an instant. Then again, he was a dog, so perhaps that wouldn’t raise an alarm. Then again, why would any dog be on prison grounds? He had to get out fast, but that meant getting past the battlements, no easy task. Sirius crept behind a stone pillar and waited.

Fortunately, he didn’t have to wait long. The evening shift was just finishing up and the graveyard shift was just arriving. Soon, the familiar groan of the battlements rang in Sirius’ ears. Before anyone could come in or leave, Sirius slipped out the narrow opening, now running hard and fast to the edge of the stone courtyard. Unfortunately, the edge dropped off sharply into the crashing waters below.

“Dammit,” Sirius thought to himself. “I’m going to have to swim for it.”

Bracing himself, his mind filled with thoughts of James, Lily, Harry and Alice, Sirius jumped, landing with a big splash in the freezing water. Even in his human form, Sirius wasn’t the greatest swimmer in the world, and in his deplorable physical condition, getting towards his goal was nearly impossible. He cried and prayed and hoped and held onto his friends’ images in his mind, using them as life preservers or sorts, beacons of hope for a very uncertain future.

Hope was all he had.


End file.
